i was merely alive yesterday.

i woke up that morning with a pit in my stomach and hate in my heart. hate for myself and for you and all of it was so calculated, so rational and well thought out, it could convince scientists.

a dread and angst for the hours that lay before me so premeditated the only thoughts to compute through my thick skull were to destroy the life that lay before me.

the hours passed and it got worse, it got better and then it got worse again. this sense of existential dread was not new but worse then ever before, it felt as if for a moment that god specifically wanted me in pain.

i slept for 13 hours or so, then woke this morning at 6AM with an even worse kind of doom. a distress that ate yesterdays for breakfast.

i called my friend, we cried. i felt alive again, maybe even back to earth again. i hung up around 8 to get food and walked cluelessly around my new surroundings. i hiked to the top of a cliff, and i ate my burger as i did some writing, now maybe, it's not so bad. this morning i'm strung out on gratitude and overdosed on shame of the person i was yesterday. i realised for the thousandth time that awful days are just awful days, but every time it's new, every time i forget any other state of reality i've ever had. it's always been nasty and it always will be nasty.

it's 10:27AM now and i've snapped out of it, that state is nothing but a sense of comfort to me now. till next time i suppose.