when i tell someone that i take hot showers or read books every time i get hungry or starve myself for so long i get faint when i stand up, i don't want them to push me towards recovery. cause i don't wanna get better.

part of the reason i tell them is for that shocked expression, that worry, but with no real consequences. the other part, secretly, the one that is the most fucked up is that i want a competitor. i want them to reply with even worse habits, with ideas and inspiration, i want them to tell me how many calories they eat a day so i can half it. i want them to tell me how much weight they've lost so i realise i've lost more, i want them to compete with me. but i want them to lose. eating disorders should not be competitive but i am yet to meet a rexie who doesn't overflow with rage and lose all their self esteem every time they realise they're not the skinniest in the room. i tell people sometimes because i'm so proud of the hurt i can cause towards myself.

look, look how badly i can treat my body, i bet you can't do that, can you... do you? tell me.

i smell food instead of eating it, chew and spit instead of swallowing. i will do everything i can to stop these fucking calories from poisoning me. it's exhilarating, so please, stare at me again, and tell me you think i have a problem.

im so addicted to your concern.