i rock myself to sleep, i read stories aloud and i hold myself when i cry. i drink from puddles when i'm thirsty and i eat nails and pills when i'm hungry. i set one alarm every night and i brush my yellowing grinded-down teeth every morning. i sit by the window and i fold my laundry. i'm so proud of my independence.

i woke up to my 6.30 alarm this morning and for some reason, i felt shame in my independence, i felt ashamed of how i've locked myself out of my house so i can build a institution for the people i love. i've never had my hair brushed, i've never been read to sleep, and i've never been to a institution.

i've never felt anything unconditional besides my love for other people. how ironic.