Have you ever felt the urge to do something

that us so truly and utterly You?

Like the things you speak out loud,

the things you say in front of

your parents,

your friends,

are not quite honest,

not quite complete.

Like the mask you wear

is not the mask anymore,

And the armor have grown with your skin for years,

And the words you speak

is only but the record

from the last time you said:

"Hey, have you seen this?"

or

"I can't. I have a tone of work to do."

or

"I haven't even slept for three hours that night but I aced the test."

Like I have been growing in the state of competition and race tracks.

The minute I relax is only

one minute closer to failure.

Like I can not go against it,

it has been moldered within me from the start.

Like I always change subject

in fear of staying silent,

Like I always stay silent

in fear of making someone angry

or

when I want to say something

Iam the last to raise my hand.

Generations of my kind have been building this world for centuries,

this world of bubble-protection from reality,

Like I can say

'Iam a feminist.'

But I feel my voice shake.

The insecurities that I watered like the flowers

have been used against me,

And the fears that I nurtured like the children

have learned to dress themselves in fear of being discovered.

I have been born as me

but through the years

I have not been growing Up

but rather In.

I have become a list of clishes.

Iam the girl who would rather bottle up the truth

and dexidrate

than drink from it.

You will need a dictionary translater

just to understand a bit of what I want to say.

You see,

I rarely wear sunglasses

so I must see things more clearly than any right?

Like the voices around me are unexisted.

Like you are more than just a ghost to me,

or rather I to you?

Like you would ever notice me like this.

Exposed.

Naked.

I thought I was saving my breath for far more important issues,

turns out, I've been so generous over the last few years

it did not felt like me anymore.

But,

the shrinking finally stopped.

The records finally slowed down.

I don't know if you noticed

but I mentioned 'fear' four times,

do not mistake yourself

Iam not afraid of the consequences.

Iam not afraid of the future.

Iam just a little bit consious of

how the world sees me,

of how the world sees the other Me.

It does not go the other way around

so I shrunk down

to the minimum.

Science would like to say:

"The quarks are indivisible,

therefore nothing smaller can ever be

but nothing would ever be without it."

Like I needed a proof to know

that being small is not that unimportant afterall.

Like I needed anything from the world

to proudly show my wounds from the fall.

That Me drowning under the waves

of mistakes and wrong decisions

is

Me

learning

to

fight

back.

○○○

//december 2016//