Notes

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Content warning: a shit load of dialogue

So many f bombs it's actually not funny anymore. Also mommy issues.

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After about 45 minutes of driving, the deafening silence got a bit too loud for my mother.

"So how's school?" She muttered.

I rolled my eyes. Ignoring her gesture.

"What about that fast kid you liked?"

"Stop." I uttered flatly. I couldn't have her try to be my mom again.

She huffed.

"Why?" She questioned, her eyes straight forward but her mind on me.

"You fucked everything up 4 years ago don't try and fix it now. And how the fuck do you know about Iida?" My tone wasn't angry or defensive. Well maybe a bit. Genuine confusion was what laced my voice.

"How do you think I knew about the camp?" She remarked, cocking an eyebrow. "That chatting app really isn't secure at all."

"Don't do that." I warned.

"Do what?"

"Try and be my mom."

There was more silence as she thought. Of course my mother just had to fill it.

"Am I not your mom? What am I to you then?" She questioned.

I sat and thought. She wasn't a stranger, or really an enemy. Our whole dynamic is too complicated to throw into words. No matter how I strung them together the sentences couldn't explain it.

"The asshole that left me 4 years ago." I stated calmly.

"Wow thanks." She uttered, biting her cheek. She took a few shallow breaths and continued.

"If I could do it over again, I would've stayed."

It's like she was saying it to hurt me.

"Shut up." I sneered.

"I mean it Y/n, I wish I was better to you."

The child in me wanted to believe her.

"But you fucking weren't, and now I'm in this mess because of you! Nothing you could do or say could make up for it so just shut the fuck up and fucking drive!" I hit my fist on the dash out of anger.

At least she finally shut her mouth.

That was the first time I've let my anger show like that since she left.

"I really do love you Y/n, I'm sorry I brought you into all of this. I don't know what I was thinking." She shook her head.

I scoffed.

"You weren't, cause you're an idiot. What was this your plan? Have me be your right hand man? Was that your plan for me or some shit?" I looked over livid.

She stayed quiet.

For a minute I begged for an answer. In my head at least.

Please say no, please fucking say no.

"Yes." She said, at least a pitiful cry that sounded like a 'yes.'

I looked at her, even more disgusted than the night in the warehouse. Even more so than when she tried to kidnap me an hour ago.

"I realized I couldn't do that to you, that's why I left." She whispered.

That doesn't make it any fucking better.

"You should've stayed gone."

"I realize that now."

Fucking idiot, ruining my life all over again.

Usually, I'm forgiving, rational. There wasn't a point in fighting with her. But since I'm going to turn her in and I refuse to visit her in prison. I guess I had to dump all the pent up, broken, emotions she left me with when she walked out.

I didn't realize I was crying. Less of crying, more of trying to hold it in. Convince her I don't give a shit. When I do. Of course I do she's my mother she was there throughout middle school which was filled with bullying and self hate. She made my feel strong. Because she's strong and I'm so much like her.

But she's also selfish and careless when it comes to the people she could care about.

I see the similarities there too.

"I shouldn't have said anything." My mother mumbled, more to herself then to me.

Another similarity. Reminding yourself you fucked up out loud.

Later I'd realized the whole conversation wasn't pointless pain. It was necessary to move on. Even if I had a gun aimed at her side.