Chapter Four – Dear, Ethan

Tell Him – Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand

"You owe me," she seethed, "Big time."

I groaned into the phone, letting myself free fall backwards onto the bed. "I know Karla, I know."

"I mean feet rubbing, lunch buying, homework doing big time, Spence."

I rolled my eyes. "I hear you Karly. I'll make it up to you I swear."

She grunted and then hung up the phone.

Things had gotten quiet. Just a few minutes ago, dad was yelling about how much of a disaster this was. He most likely hated Ethan now. Mom – even though she was much, much calmer wasn't exactly Mary Poppins about it either. I was grounded and banned from seeing Ethan for the time being.

I wish I could say this was the first time this had happened but the sad reality was that it wasn't even close to it. Ethan and I had been prohibited from seeing one another numerous times before. Of course we still did.

We were the proverbial reincarnation of Romeo and Juliet...you know, without the whole suicide thing.

We even wrote letters to one another. If I remember correctly, last Spring Ethan's said:

'Dear Spence,

Despite your parents wanting to kill me for peeing my name onto the family car,

I want to see you, my bro. Did that sound gay?

I sure hope so.

Anyways, can we meet up? I mean like, at the spot or somewhere secretive maybe?

I have stuff to tell you. I've been dating this chick and she's crazy in bed.

Got to tell you the details. You can say you have band practice.

I know you don't have a single bone in your body that knows how to play an instrument but your parents don't know that.

Sometimes I get jealous of how nonchalant your parents are about the daily happenings of your life.

So, best bro, call me, text me, write me back... do something so I know we're still ES...PN.

Sorry I had to write that. I know how much you like TV references.

Anyways, Dude. Talk at school.

Much love, your best Bro,

'

It's strange how I remembered that entire letter. Strange since Ethan's horrible hand writing made it difficult to decipher what he was trying to say.

My attention turned to the dresser where that same letter was framed next to a picture of me and Ethan when he won his first football game when we entered high school. He was dirty and sweating and smelled like rotting cabbage but it was his moment and I didn't care.

"Spencer."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Mom?"

"Lights out."

I sighed, "Ten minutes."

"Five."

"Seven." I sassed.

She took a long pause before she huffed. "Fine, seven, then lights out."

I didn't respond. I didn't have to. I heard as her heels tapped softly against the ground and a door gently close.

Just as I was about to take off my clothes, my phone lit up on the dresser.

I stared at it for a moment. Only one person would call me at ten at night.

I walked over, not bothering to even look at the caller's ID.

"What's up, E?"

"Guess again."

I took a moment. "...Joshy?" I murmured, slightly taken back. Josh had never called me on my cell phone. I didn't even know he had my number. "What's the problem?"

"What's up with Ethan?"

I shrugged my shoulders, even though he couldn't see. "What do you mean? He was fine when he left mines."

"He's been staring at that tacky necklace with your initials on it for the past fifteen minutes and I'm starting to worry."

"He's Ethan, Josh. He has a tendency to stare at things for vast periods of time. He's weird like that."

He breathed into he receiver. "I know how idiot he is, Spencer but I'm kind of worried now. Are you sure you two didn't have a fight or anything?"

"Nothing major. Why would you think it has something to do with me?"

"Because whenever you two fight he rips it off his neck and throws it into our neighbor's yard."

I scoffed. "What a douche."

"Then," he continued, "he calms down and goes looking for it, fixes it and puts it back on. Then he usually sits down and stares at it for long periods of time."

"Oh..." was all I could say. "Well, we fixed what ever happened between us."

"I think you guys should talk about that night."

I rolled my eyes. "Not now Josh."

"I'm serious Spence. This thing has seriously been screwing with both of your emotions."

I huffed and dragged my feet back over to my head and sat down near its crown. "Josh, we are teenage boys. We don't do emotions."

He chuckled softly into the phone, "Right." he answered but the sarcastic skepticism was ever-present. "Can you just talk to him? I've tried but it seems that my words enter one ear and shuffle out the next."

"Have you tried Pizza?"

"With Pineapples."

I bit my bottom lip. This sounded kind of serious. Ethan never and I mean ever denied Pizza. "Josh...I really don't think we should talk about it."

"Why not? What are you so afraid of?"

I swallowed but didn't answer and Josh took that as an invitation to do it for me.

"Rejection."

I lifted an eyebrow. "Rejection?"

"Yeah," he confirmed, "You're scared he's going to say he doesn't feel the same way about you."

I snorted. "I don't feel anything."

"Isn't this act getting tiring?"

I growled into the phone. "There is no act. There has never been an act, there never will be! I am getting sick and tired of people assuming shit."

"Woah there tiger," he laughed, "It's not assuming if it's true."

"Spencer, times up, lights out."

I rolled my eyes while covering the phone's mouth piece, "Mom, seriously." I growled. I released it and turned my attention back to the person on the other end of the phone. "Me and Ethan are fine, Josh."

"I don't think you guys are."

"I said lights out, young man."

"Can you give me a damn minute?"

"What?"

"No," I mumbled into the phone, "Not you." I must've forgotten to cover the mouth piece.

Mom knocked on the locked door, "What did you say?"

I huffed. "Do I need to repeat?"

"Repeat what? Make sense Spence."

"Damn it," I mumbled, "I have to go Joshy, Mom is being Mom." I explained bitterly.

He chuckled lightly. "Oh, okay then. But try and take what I said into account."

"Yeah, Yeah." I mumbled, "Talk later." I hung up without waiting for a response. I knew he wouldn't take it offensively.

"Spencer, lights out."

I huffed in agitation. "Fine woman." I hissed and walked over to the lamp that sat in the middle of my night stand and 'clicked' it off.

I tried to go to sleep. I honestly did but my thoughts wouldn't let me. They were racing with one another, all vying for my attention.

After thirty minutes of lying in one spot with my eyes closed, twenty minutes of tossing and turning and an additional five just staring up at the ceiling, I finally got up and trudged down to the kitchen.

It was silent, like it always was at this kind of time in our affluent, boring, mind numbingly suburban neighborhood. Everyone was in there homes by ten at night, with their gates closed, their garage doors shut and their veranda lights brightly shining until the dawn broke through the darkened skies.

I sighed, sitting on one of the stools at the counter with my phone in one hand and a glass of warm milk in the other. Ethan always said it made him drift into sleep.

I always rolled my eyes when he said it but if it worked for someone as active as he was...someone like me shouldn't have any problems. I took a sip, exhaled and stared down at my phone.

I wanted to call him and talk but I was afraid to for some reason. As if I was nervous I was bothering him. I've never felt that before either; I never actually cared if I was bothering Ethan when I called him.

Why was now so different?

Maybe we should have talked about last Halloween. Maybe that would clear my mind. But was I ready for that awkward conversation?

Ethan would probably blow it off and sum it up as some insignificant ordeal that has passed; he's nonchalant like that.

But I was considerably weaker emotionally than he was. He didn't take anything offensively and that might just be partly my fault, since I always called him less then flattering names all the time that might have rendered him immune to insults.

I may play tough but I cracked easily. Ethan was too oblivious to see because to him...I was a bro.

Not just a bro.

A Best Bro.

Bro.

But a Bro non-the-less.

He could kid around with me, insult my clothing, kiss me on the cheek, hold my hand, look me deep in the eyes and tell me he 'loves me', that I'm his 'husband' , that he'll always be there for me because I wasn't suppose to take it seriously. I was a .

And as annoying as that word was...it's become an important part of any teenage boy's vocabulary and its prominence challenges the might of the popular male phrase

Because just like the latter, it gives him the pass to hug a fellow male because he was a . He could share his feelings and not be called a pansy because that guy was his best .

And I wasn't stupid. No matter what Josh or anyone else said...I knew Ethan didn't have any romantic feelings for me. I was a bro.

And if he did wouldn't I have known?

I knew everything about the kid to not notice when he liked someone.

He would try (emphasis on try) to use bigger words, he would tilt his head a little to the side and he laughed after they said anything.

Others didn't notice it because to them he was Mister Casanova. Slick, Smooth and Charming.

I knew my best friend.

He had love for me but not the love everyone has suspected. Sure he got jealous when someone else got my attention but that was just because he was Ethan. He always got jealous.

He was an attention whore. He had to be the center of every party, the first and last thing on everyone's mind. The winning touch down at every football game, the class clown.

He had to be. Why? I had no idea.

My thoughts dissipated with another sip of milk.

Should I call him? According to the hands on the clock, he was probably still up playing some video game instead of studying for summer finals.

But was this a conversation that had to happen?

My phone decided for me. It vibrated in my hands and the boy in question's name showed up on the screen.

I clicked the message and read,

'get out of bed and come to your window'

I left the milk on the counter and quietly bolted up the stairs, tipping pass my parents room and into mines that sat neighbor to theirs.

I Rushed over to my window and opened it where Ethan was waiting on my back lawn with his arms folded across his chest.

I poked my head out. "What are you doing here?"

His head snapped up and a smile flashed across his face, "I missed you."

I rolled my eyes. "We're not supposed to be seeing each other."

He rubbed the back of his head, "When has that ever stopped us before?"

I shrugged. "Point taken." A silence fell upon us. "So," I broke it, "is there something you wanted to talk about?"

"Yeah," he began before shifting rather awkwardly, "Josh for some reason thinks that me and you had some sort of apocalyptic battle with one another."

I snickered while rolling my eyes, "Tell your bro to calm his overprotective tits."

He chuckled, "I tried to tell him that but he suggested that I come and work out looming unattended matters" he said using air quotes and then snorted, "whatever that means."

I rested my elbows onto the window's sill and leans against them, "What looming matters?"

"He wouldn't say but I'm guessing he means The Halloween Thing."

I swallowed. Were we really about to talk about that night?

"But if you don't want to..."

"No," I quickly said, "It's okay. We can if you want to."

His hands raced across his face. He looked up at the sky and sighed. "It's such a nice night." He looked back over to me, "can we just sleep out here tonight?"

I raised skeptical eyebrow, "On the back lawn?"

He shrugged, "Why not? We can talk about the Halloween thing later and just enjoy each other's company."

I wanted to argue some more but I decided not to. I huffed and grabbed a blanket and headed to the backyard where Ethan was sitting by the time I got there.

I sat next to him, opened the blanket so the both of us could fit onto it and crawled onto it with Ethan close behind.

After a few comfortable minutes of silence, I finally spoke up, "We aren't actually sleeping out here are we?"

"I don't know, I want to but your mom might pour cold water onto us if she sees us together."

I laughed, "She probably will."

Silence took over again.

Ethan looked over with a little smile, "Do you remember that letter I wrote you the last time we were banned from seeing one another?"

Of course I did. "Vaguely."

"Well, you never wrote me back."

I shrugged, leaning back onto my elbows, "I didn't think I needed to."

He scoffed, "Well if you were to, what would have said?"

"I don't know, really."

"What would it start with?"

"Dear, Ethan?"

He rolled his eyes, making me laugh before resting my head onto the blanket. Ethan followed, lying his own closely to mine. So much so, I could feel his hair on my cheek.

"Do you think we're in love?"

I narrowed my eyes, "What?"

He snickered, "Just a thought. Josh was going on about how obvious it is that me and you were in love."

I wanted to tell him that he told me that too but he probably already knew. "What do you think?" I questioned.

He took a little pause; "I think anything is possible but we're not gay so how can we be in love, you know?" he paused and looked over, "unless you have something to tell me."

I snorted, "Don't flatter yourself."

There I went again. Covering up my emotions. Why couldn't I just tell him that I might be gay?

Ethan's hand interlocked with mines. "I think we'd make a beautiful couple.

I snorted again, "We'd be fighting all the time."

He snickered, "Then we'd know we were meant to be." He started playing with my thumb. "We'd be a legit married couple who fights but still love one another."

"Yeah," I chuckled, "too bad we don't see one another that way."

Ethan took a long pause before answering, "Yeah, too bad."