Songs:

(Visiting Hours- Ed Sheeran)

(Yellow- Coldplay)

When I was a kid, I often heard the elderly talks about on why some people die early.

They say it is because they are too good for this world that they don’t deserve to suffer. Some says that they are like a beautiful flower in a garden; that is why they are always chosen first.

Hearing that, I came into conclusion that they are just making excuses for themselves. They have that kind of explanation so that it will be less painful once you remember that they are gone.

Death isn’t new to me.

I have witnessed it several times. I caused a lot of people’s death. The last time I fear death was when my own mother killed herself. It is not that painful before. Since she killed herself, maybe she wanted to escape this world. Maybe my mother just wanted some freedom.

However, losing Pete is different. If I will just be honest with myself- it is painful. Too painful that it is like someone has been stabbing my soul multiple times.

The pain is just too much that if it will be reflected physically- I am shattered.

For once, I wanted to believe what the elderly always talks about. Maybe Pete doesn’t deserve to be in this world to suffer. Maybe it’s a way for him to finally be free.

Maybe the heaven badly needed him that’s why he was taken away from me that early.

After Pete’s burial, we all headed back to our house. The members of the Main Family still followed us but I can no longer notice everything.

I am exhausted that even my throat is dry. My eyes are already in pain, nose is red and I have no energy left to talk to others.

“Let us sit here, Phi.” Macau assisted me to take a sit on the sofa.

I only stare at the floor, playing with my fingers that are already wounded and bleeding.

I want to cry… but there are no more tears left.

My body is also begging for me to stop hurting myself.

It is just too much that all I wanted to do is collapse. My eyes are drowsy; my brain is too occupied that I can’t think properly. I was like stuck in an endless loop of loneliness that I cannot escape.

It took me days to digest that Pete is gone.

And I still can’t understand why among all people, it was Pete.

Pete has always been good, kind that I don’t understand why he has to leave first.

“This is your entire fault Vegas!”

I felt my body rising from the couch where I was sitting and followed by a strong blow on my jaw that made me fell on the floor.

The moment I looked up, I saw Phi Khun with his mad eyes. Kinn and Kim were holding both of his arms. He didn’t stopped and was eager to punch me.

“Stop it Phi Khun!” Macau shouted. “Are you okay?” he asked in concern.

I can feel the pain on my lower lip and when I touch it with my finger, it is already bleeding.

I swear, I don’t have the guts to fight now. I am exhausted.

“Didn’t you see what you did?!” He asked in an angry voice. “Because of you, Pete died!” he then blamed me.

Maybe you’re right. I failed to protect Pete.

I didn’t question what he said. It was true. I am such a dumbass! That’s the only thing I need to do yet I failed.

“If you just let him stay with us! If you didn’t mess up with his head! If you just didn’t enter his life then he should still be here!” Phi Khun roared in madness.

“That’s enough Khun No.” Arm and Pol tries to interfere, calming their boss.

I know the two of them are also tired. After all, they insisted to help me and Macau in arranging the funeral.

“Am I wrong?” He asked in

annoyance. “All you did is hurt him! All you did is to make him suffer and what now, Vegas? Look what you did? You are the reason why he died!”

“That’s enough!” Kinn shouted but Phi Khun isn’t bothered at all.

“The moment you entered his life was also the moment you ruin everything!” He shouted.

His words were embedding on me.

That’s right.

If I just didn’t mess with him. If I let him be a normal family bodyguard, if I let him go and didn’t ask for him to come back then maybe this will not happen.

Maybe Pete will live his life just like before.

Am I really not that worthy to be with?

“My brother didn’t want it to happen.”

This time, I heard Macau argued. Pol reached out for me and helped me stand still.

“Do you think Phi Vegas wants Phi Pete to die?” Macau asked raising his voice. “Stop blaming him!”

“But it was his fault. He is the reason why Pete is dead, he failed to protect him!”

“Shut the fuck up!” Porsche shouted.

His eyes are swollen but he still managed to stop the two. “Do you think Pete will like it if you keep arguing?”

Both Macau and Phi Khun went silent. They probably realized what they just did.

I saw tears coming out from Porsche’s eyes that Kinn went to him immediately, consoling him.

“Do you think Pete will be happy if he sees us like this?” Porsche asked and cried. “Pete will never blame anyone so you should also stop pointing fingers!”

They all fell silent yet still; I don’t want to shout on them. I don’t even have the voice left.

I went into our room, held the doorknob and lock it. Macau is with Nop and the rest are also helping him.

A part of me just wanted to let them blame me. I don’t want to question their behavior after what happened.

Phi Khun have a point and I am aware how Pete matters to him. He even went into rampage on the fake death of Pete and now that it really happened, I understand why he is mad.

I didn’t invalidate their grief. They are Pete’s friends, treating each other like siblings and they are the people whom Pete met even before me. They were the people Pete spent happy moments with before I came.

I stare at the wide view of the bedroom.

How empty it is.

I went near the window and pull all the curtains to hinder the light that is coming.

It will be like this from now. The moment I loss the person whom serves as my light and my salvation was also the moment I went back to hide in the darkness.

The room was dim, only a slight hint of the morning sunlight.

I don’t know what came to my mind yet I placed a plate, spoon and fork in the table where we usually eat.

Is he starving? Is he thirsty while having his journey in the afterlife? Can he still feel hungriness? I wonder if he will.

“Don’t worry. Soon, we will eat together.” I said and placed the spoon aligned with the fork neatly. “We will eat all of the foods you like. We will try new foods from different places.”

I sniffed, almost laughing at myself.

Can he even hear me?

The next thing I did is to get the guitar, sat on the sofa and strum it while looking aimlessly on the wall.

"Don’t change the lyrics, Vegas. "

"Who said that you sing well?"

" Alright. I will listen, stop bothering me."

His voice.

I placed the guitar on the sofa and immediately grab my phone. In the Videos, there are few videos of him which I took before. Most of the videos where just him- sitting and playing with his phone or sometimes walking and strolling around. I clicked the video I took three weeks ago.

"Pete. What are you doing?"

I smiled when his image was zooming in. This is when I picked him up from the Main Family. He was sitting in front, holding his phone and playing with Porsche and Phi Khun while Arm and Pol are besides him taking a look on the game.

Pete’s made an angry face, extended his arms and covers his face. “Stop recording, Vegas.”

I can even hear my own laugh at the background. “Let’s go home now.”

“Just one more game,” he requested in a soft voice that made the rest smile with his behavior and focused on playing.

The one more minute of the video just focused on him who seems tensed up while playing the game. There are also the noises from Phi Khun and Porsche as they shout to each other.

I wasn’t bothered at all with the background noise. I can only see Pete…only him.

I couldn’t help but a faint smile formed from my lips when I saw him smiling, still looking at his phone as those dimples became visible.

How come that this person became mine? He’s so beautiful.

Pete stands up from where he sits, stretched his arms and went to look at me. The way he looks at the camera was the same as he looks at me- innocent face, with a bright genuine smile.

“Are you leaving?” Phi Khun appears.

“It’s already nine in the evening. Macau is waiting for us.”

Phi Khun rolled his eyes and went to Pete. “Alright. Goodbye then go now. Tsk” He bitterly said.

“See you all next time!” Pete energetically said and talks for a while with Porsche.

After that, he went to my direction with a foolish smile in his face.

“Let’s go?” I heard myself laugh as Pete went nearer to the camera of my phone, sticking his face on the camera until the screen turned dark.

“Hey hey. Why are you covering it?”

He then positioned himself and played with the back cam. This time, it was his sparkling eyes which are only seen.

“Taking videos again?”

The screen shows his face, looking at me and giggling. “Stop recording, Vegas and let’s go home.”

“Recording my stubborn wife.”

His face turned red and pouted. “Wife your ass”

The back camera was only focused on him. Pete started to walk faster that I can barely catch up.

"Hey! Why so fast in walking? Are you leaving me? We should go home together!"

Pete turns around and having a full view on him, I just miss him more.

“Goodb—“

“Don’t say that!” I shouted and I saw him covering his mouth when he realized what he said.

“When are you going to start walking fast? Maybe I am already dead once you came here.” He said referring to where he is standing.

“Then wait for me.”

“I am always waiting for you so come here so we can go home now." And the video stopped.

Are you still waiting for me?

I don’t want you to wait for too long, my love.

I played all of the videos I had in the phone, staring at his face intently.

I listened attentively on his voice; afraid that time will come that I can no longer recognize his voice. I am afraid, too afraid that I might forget how he sounds like when mad, sulking or when he is happy.

I am in fear; there might be a chance where I will disremember the sound of his laugh.

I spent the whole day just roaming around the room, distracting myself and even manage to check every corner.

“What clothes would you like to wear, my love?” I asked even though I knew Pete will never answer me.

I arranged all of his clothes. He might get mad if these are disorganized. I hope he is wearing a nice cloth in the afterlife- enough to keep him warm.

“Can I ask for some perfume?” I asked again and spray his perfume on the room, filling it with his cool, warm with the hint of vanilla scent.

“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep with me?”

I paused for a moment as I lay flat on the bed, hugging his pillow. I stare on the ceiling blankly.

“Why are you not answering?”

I tried my best to be distracted but the moment it hits me… I just can’t bear it.

Still looking up, I used my arms to cover my face. Those hot tears from my eyes endlessly stream through my cheeks.

“Why?” I asked followed by the uncontrollable sobs. “Why are you not answering me?”

I grew up keeping all of the emotions I have in a shell that it suffocates me and has turns me into an awful human being. I suppressed the sadness and anger in my heart that it swallows me whole.

Pete is the only person who dares to take a peak to the darkness where I am and embrace me without any question.

He is the person who has never seen me less than my cousins.

I was stuck in a situation where I pretended that I am fine but he is the only one who tried to ask me if I am hurt. The walls I have built and was made not to be attached to anybody just got destroyed with one smile from him.

The cold heart that never cares for anyone was melted by him.

He didn’t force me to find the world beautiful but he is the only beauty in this cruel world.

I always question myself on how optimistic he is that even in the worst situation, he will still look at the brighter side and would always see things in a positive way.

When I had him, I always believe that we are soul mates.

Just like a puzzle piece that you will see as different at first glance but will perfectly fit each other.

In this world where they see one percent is important, Pete is surely my one hundred percent without a doubt.

I am here because of him. I am Vegas because of the man name Pete. I am who I become today because I changed for him.

But now… Pete is gone.

How can I move forward if the reason why I keep going is no longer here?

The dreams we built together will never become true. The conversation we had every three in the morning will remains a bittersweet memory.

“Do you miss me?” I still asked, hoping for a reply which I will never receive. “Are you mad at me Pete?”

“Will you wait for me because I wanted to follow you.”

I placed my hand above my head as if I am reaching for the ceiling and my vision began to blurry with the tears at the corner of my eyes.

I saw his face, smiling at me like what he usually does.

I faint smile escaped on my lips.

“So beautiful…” I muttered.

“I miss you,” I whispered. “Wait for me.”

I tried to reach for him, trying to hold his face but I just can’t.

I closed my eyes and rested my hands on his pillow.

“Take me, Pete. Take me with you.”

I sigh deeply. I am hoping that the moment I open my eyes, I will see him.

Take me to any universe where Pete exists… please.

...

Dyk?

In this part,

After Pete died, Vegas called the Minor family's mansion but in the video with Pete, they both called it .