There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds- Laurell K. Hamilton.

...

He told me that it will be better if it was me who will kill him.

Vegas said that he will choose to die if it was me who will end it.

Little did he know that no matter how much he causes me pain, I never wished for him to disappear? He’s the pain I chose to have… and suffer. He’s the pain I never regret to embrace.

Vegas is the world I never knew will be beautiful even though it’s dark. He’s the turmoil who cause for my heart to feel something… different.

He was the reason why I continue living but sometimes… too much is suffocating.

His love isn’t the love I wanted but it turns out to be the love I needed. If his goal is to make sure that I can no longer live without him, he did it wonderfully. Falling in love with him is both chaos and calmness.

But, the love we have isn’t something worth fighting for.

It isn’t the love that will be fixed by one apology.

Loving him is pain and suffering.

I will not allow myself to fall to deep.

Vegas. I am sorry. I need to leave to save myself. Let me be selfish this time, I am choosing myself before it’s too late.

...

“Pete. Tomorrow, we will go to the Second Family for the formal ceremony. That will also be the last day for Khun Kan’s burial.” Arm told me as he continues to apply the ointment on my inflamed wrist.

I kept quiet without meeting his stares. I bit my lips after hearing that idea.

If I will go with them then that will be the first time I will meet Vegas after the confrontation between the two families. For some reason, I don’t know what will happen if we see each other.

Will he be mad that I didn’t choose him? Will he behave differently after I chose to stay with Khun? Is he holding grudge?

“If you don’t want to go then it’s fine.” Pol told me while having a bite with the apple he is eating.

I looked at the two who were secretly stealing glances to each other.

“If Khun No will come then I’ll go with you.” I replied and checked if Arm already placed the gauge properly. “I will do my duty as a bodyguard.”

I went back to lay my back on the bed and stare at the wall still motionless. Both Arm and Pol decided to share rooms with me after they found out that I was locked in Vegas’ room for several weeks.

How can I tell them that this the same room I stayed for more than a year makes me uncomfortable?

My body probably adapt with the room temperature in Vegas’ room that I need to have an extra fan to keep this room cold. The mansion of the Main Family becomes unfamiliar to me that my body keeps wishing to feel the coldness of Vegas’ room. The air freshener here seems weird to smell.

That bastard indeed changes me.

“Will it be okay if you saw Khun Vegas?” Arm asked worriedly and arranges all of the first aid kits in a bag.

Will it be really okay? Am I going to be okay once I see him?

I don’t know. For now, I don’t know what will happen. But his image keeps flashing in my mind as if they were programmed for me to think about.

“It’s okay.” I answered. “We are no longer connected to each other.”

Are we not really?

After I turn my back on him, he didn’t do anything. He didn’t came after me and punish me for betraying him. I didn’t saw even a shadow of him spying around the Main Family’s mansion. He disappeared like a bubble, not leaving any single trace.

Everybody in the Main Family including Porsche and Porche came to pay respect for the burial of Khun Kan.

I couldn’t help but to look at Khun Korn. The people that work for the two families knew that Khun Korn is the person who ended Khun Kan’s life. However, his face isn’t something that can easily be read. There is neither single hint of regret nor happiness on his face.

He was like a blank canvas that people will wonder about what he is thinking.

I stand behind Khun No while Arm and Pol are besides me, making sure that I will be between them. The ceremony was held in the Minor Family’s mansion.

When we arrived, there are already few people who already came. Most of them are from influential families that created partnership with Khun Kan.

“Please walk directly and you will find the venue.”

Macau is the first person who welcomed the members of the Main Family. His face is dull, giving a polite smile and pointed out the direction.

Our eyes met and I know those sad eyes were looking at me as if he’s both surprised and asking. For a few second, I bow my head as a sign of respect to him. Macau smiled genuinely and proceeds to welcome the other guest.

Macau is a good boy base from the stories of Vegas. He may seem to be stubborn but it was because of the walls being built to protect himself.

In front, there is a huge photo of Khun Kan surrounded by white roses.

Everybody was wearing black colored clothes. They all came to sympathize for his death.

“Don’t they have food?” Khun No asked in boredom and proceeds to look at me. “What are you feeling?”

With shock, I avoided his eyes and replied. “I’m feeling normal Khun No.”

I thought he will already end pestering me but Khun No proceeds to grab me nearer on him as he whispers.

“Don’t make him think that you cannot move on from him.” He said and slap my arms a little. “Don’t let that bastard affect you too much.”

I let out a fake smile. “Don’t worry, I am okay.” I said cheerfully as my heart feels heavy.

I caught Porsche was also looking at me so I have to signal him that I am okay. Their eyes were all on me. I even saw Nop glancing at me. I smile a little to him.

“He’s there.” Pol whispered.

“Huh?”

“Khun Vegas.”

After hearing that name, I unconsciously immediately followed where Pol has been looking at.

Vegas is at the very corner, zoning out and didn’t bother to answer the questions of the people who just arrived. His face became gloomy that the silly and tricky Vegas faded. He is casually wearing a black coat partnered with black polo.

His face still has bruises that he receives from me during the confrontation.

For some reason… I want to ask him on how is he.

This is the first time I saw him being quiet, without the intention of harming anybody. The teasing smile on his face is gone.

He is probably suffering.

I remember the days where he will tell me how mad he is to his father. He will say that he wanted him dead; those stories of frustrations and madness towards his father.

But at the same time, I also saw a different Vegas.

I only saw a son who wanted to be accepted and loved by his own father. I met the Vegas who tried his best to survive and did everything to have a spot in his father’s heart.

I shouldn’t sympathize at him for what he did to me but I cannot stop myself to pity him at this moment,

Vegas can no longer prove himself to his father. The love he keeps wishing to have will never be given by Khun Kan.

I didn’t notice that I have been looking at him for a long time that he managed to feel my presence.

That moment, our eyes met.

It was like letting my world pause for a while to look back at him. The memories flash in front of my eyes. Those eyes that supposed to look at me with admiration changed into… longing and loneliness.

If I can only run towards you… but I prefer not to.

“Pete. Can you help me go to the bathroom?” Porsche asked me that made me divert my gaze.

“Where is the bathroom?” I asked him.

Porsche looked at me in surprise. “I thought you know everything in this house.”

I scoffed and proceed to call Nop’s attention.

“Do you need something?” Nop said as he approaches us.

“Where is the bathroom?” I asked him.

“There. Just go to the far right and you will find it.”

Both of us silently walked when Porsche finally said what he has been keeping.

“Are you not going to talk to him?” Porsche asked.

I exhaled deeply. “There is nothing to talk about.” I answered and smiled widely as I can to cover this heavy feeling.

I don’t think we can still talk with each other.

“But he keeps looking at you a while ago.” Porsche said.

“That’s impossible.” I said as I open the bathroom door for him. “Just do your business.” I said and push him inside before closing the door.

While waiting for Porsche to finish, I roam my eyes around. The stairs going to the second floor caught my attention. With my impulsive thoughts winning, I went upstairs.

It was the same place, the same colors of the doors and the same placement of the statues and vases on every corner.

I halted when I came in front of a familiar door. It is where Vegas held me captive. I don’t know why but I wanted to take a look inside.

The ways Vegas used to consume me was enough that I started to be uncomfortable to the places where I used to stay. Even my body keeps looking for the warmth of his blankets.

I held it only to find out that the room isn’t locked at all. I slowly open the door, peaking until it was wide open.

I was welcomed by the familiar feeling.

The feeling of comfort, home… and pain.

Still hesitating, I found myself examining what is inside.

The bed sheets are still the same. There are still two pillows on the bed. The books he brought for me were perfectly lined up on the book shelves; the same as how I arrange them. The guitar was on the couch and the table remains where it was.

In my mind, I can perfectly picture out the scenarios we have. If I’m still with him, I am probably still sitting on the cold floor reading the books and Vegas will be on the sofa with his laptop as he answers my questions that test his sanity.

“You’re here.”

My body froze when I heard the familiar voice. My heart beats fast. I am busted, damn!

I closed the door and face him.

I thought I will see an irritated face but he doesn’t seem to be mad at all.

He’s just staring at me blankly.

“I will be leaving.” I replied coldly without meeting his eyes.

I was about to pass by him when he held my wrist. I hissed in pain when the wrist he was holding was also the part where I have the wounds.

Vegas didn’t say a word but he lift the end of my coat to look at my wrist. It has few bandages and gauge to cover the inflamed part.

I felt him slowly caress the wound.

Even before I fall into his tricks, I remove my hand that he was holding.

“Are you still hurt?” Vegas asked in concern.

This time, I look at him. “No.”

It isn’t the pain of the wound on my wrist, but the pain that never bleeds.

The pain that I need to carry even in my sleep. I have to keep the pain everytime I remember his face or when I hear his name.

If I’m going to be ask… I am still hurting.

Every part of me is owned by him and destroyed by him.

When I was about to leave, I heard him called my name.

I chose to walk away like what I used to do. I turn my back on him, the same way I did when I chose the Main Family.

“If you want to come back then I will be waiting for you.”

I didn’t hear what he said as I proceed to go back to Porsche. Damn! He caught me bigtime! When I can no longer feel his presence, I held my chest and let out all of the tension I was feeling.

Damn! I got so nervous and stupid at the same time. Who the hell possessed on me to check his room? I wanna curse myself this time in a million times and in different languages if possible.

I was about to approach Porsche when I saw that Khun Kinn was with him. Porsche raised his hands for me to go on their direction. Both of them started walking to go back to the event.

While I was walking, I heard Khun Korn’s voice at the corner. I make sure that I will not make any sound, afraid that I might interrupt him.

I peak a little in case he might be talking to someone. I found him talking on his phone.