After school Thursday, I ditched my friends who tried to coax me into an evening of video games, pizza, and beer at Brandon's to celebrate my Lazarus-esque return to the land of the living. I made the excuse that I had way too much make-up work from three days of school missed. Although, thanks to Summer, I only had one assignment to finish to be caught up with my classes. I knew Jackson knew she'd done this, but he said nothing, which I loved him for. This was one of the many reasons he was my best friend. He knew sometimes I just needed time for myself. He was my only friend who knew about my anxiety disorder and my panic attacks. Not even Emmett knew about that.

My heart pounded as I stood on Emmett's porch. My shaky finger hovering an inch from the doorbell. It seemed odd to be nervous. I had been to Emmett's house so many times, never thinking twice about it.

Sure, I got excited at the thought of seeing him. Being in his room. In his bed. But these nerves plaguing me were new. Maybe it was because I hadn't seen him in almost six days. Maybe it was because of what happened at the party.

I wondered how I would feel if Emmett told me he was dating Duke.

Devastated. That's how I'd feel.

No. I knew why I felt like this. It was everything Summer said. Maybe she was right. This half-life I had been living in order to keep Emmett was tearing me apart. It literally made me physically ill, knowing that Emmett had hooked up with someone else—which Emmett had every right to do.

Hearing the clicking of the front door being opened, I jumped back a step. Mrs. Noble's eyes went wide upon seeing me. "Clay! I'm so glad you're feeling better."

"You and me both."

"You know Emmett's been upset all week that he couldn't talk to you."

"He has?" I asked, biting my lip to hide my joy. Emmett's distress shouldn't make me this happy.

"Mm-hmm." She nodded. "But he's not here."

My heart sank. As nervous as I was, I was still dying to see him. "Oh. Okay."

When I turned to go, Mrs. Noble called my name. I looked over my shoulder. "He's at Carrie's." She pointed to the white house across the street. "They won't mind if you want to go over and see him."

My lips stretched into a grin too wide to conceal. "Thanks."

The heart-pounding excitement returned as I walked down the sidewalk, listening to her crocs scuffing against the pavement; the click as she opened her car door. My muscles ached to run, to get me to Emmett as fast as my feet could carry me. But I wouldn't let myself be so eager. Not while Mrs. Noble was outside.

I heard the car engine start. I paused at the street while she backed the car out of the driveway. She waved. I returned the gesture before she sped down the street, much faster than the posted 15 miles-per-hour speed limit.

When Mrs. Noble's car made the turn at the end of the road, I rushed to Carrie's front door and jabbed the doorbell without hesitation.

The door opened on a woman who looked almost identical to Carrie, except about twenty years older with faint crow's feet at her eyes and laugh lines bordering her lips. She didn't have Carrie's tight curls, just a slight wave in her russet-brown hair.

"Can I help you?"

"Mrs. Noble said Emmett is here."

She leaned on the door, tilting her head. "And who are you?"

"My name's Clay. Emmett is my friend."

"Ah!" She smiled, looking me over as she stepped aside to let me in. "They're in the pool." She pointed to an archway at the end of the hall, using her hands like a flight attendant to give me directions. "Just hang a left through the kitchen and out the sliding door."

I rubbed my sweaty palms on the front of my shorts. "Thanks."

I walked through the sliding glass door onto the back patio just as Emmett ran down the diving board and jumped off the end, doing a backflip in midair to dive into the water feet first.

When he blasted to the surface, Carrie shouted, "And he's done it again, Bob! What a show? Just listen to that crowd. They love him. The judges have gotta give him full marks for that showing." She cupped her hands around her mouth, making the sounds of a roaring crowd. She chanted his name over and over again.

I smiled. I had never seen them interacting like this. The unvarnished truth of Emmett and Carrie. When others were around, they communicated in a secret language of glances, lip twitches, and the occasional indecipherable quips that only they understood.

I let out a "Woo!"

Both their heads jerked to the side to stare at the intruder in their little world.

"Impressive," I said, applauding. "I'd probably break my neck if I tried that."

After the shock wore off, Emmett grinned from ear to ear. "Clay!" He swam to the edge, his face radiating pure joy. Seeing him again gave me the same feeling. He pushed himself out of the pool and rushed over, water cascading off of him to darken the pavement in his wake.

I allowed myself one brief glance at Emmett's body—glistening and tan and shirtless—before fixing my gaze on his face. "Hi."

Emmett crushed me in a bearhug. "I'm so glad you're okay. I've been really worried about you."

I wrapped my arms around him, gripping my fingers into his slick skin. I buried my face in his neck. Anyone that saw us might think I was kissing it. If I puckered my lips right now, I could be.

"I'm much better now." And I meant that in more ways than one. I wasn't sick, but being near Emmett also lightened my mood. It renewed the air in my lungs where I felt suffocated without him. I could finally properly breathe again.

"You broke your promise," Emmett whispered, so low I could barely hear him. "You said you wouldn't disappear on me again."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I'll forgive it this once because you were sick. But never again."

I gripped him tighter, reaching up to hold the back of his head. "Never again. I swear."

I didn't care that my clothes were getting wet, or that Carrie was watching us. I did care, however, that I was getting too excited by this much contact and the thought of my lips creating a trail across Emmett's skin.

I pushed Emmett away, stuffing my hands into my pockets. I hoped bunching the material at the front would cover the bulge in my shorts.

Emmett looked down. I worried he might have noticed, until he said, "Sorry. I soaked your clothes."

"It's just water," I said, unable to keep the smile off my face for too long.

"I really missed you."

I chewed on my bottom lip, trying not to show how happy those words made me. I only wished Emmett meant them the way they felt to me. "I missed you, too."

Emmett gave a genuine smile, even showing teeth, which was an even rarer event. He rubbed a hand over his wet hair, messing it up.

"Do you mind talking louder?" Carrie shouted, her arms folded on the edge of the pool. "It's a little hard to eavesdrop when you both speak so damn quietly."

We both laughed.

When Emmett walked back toward the pool, I followed. My eyes drifted down Emmett's back. He moved with such a smooth, graceful gait, like a dancer. And maybe my eyes kept going lower to stare at his butt and the way his swimsuit clung to him, molding to his body.

His waterlogged swim trunks hung low on his hips. The thin strip of paler skin visible at the waistline had me mesmerized. The tan line was especially prominent because Emmett's olive skin was a shade darker than usual, as if he'd been spending more time in the sun lately. It made sense. The last week had been exceptionally hot, according to the morning weather alerts I set to know if the heat was too unbearable for my daily jog. I suspected he and Carrie had taken refuge in the pool to combat the heatwave.

I sat on the end of a lounge chair and waved. "Hi, Carrie."

"Hi, Clay." There was a strange, knowing tone in her voice. I wondered the reason behind it. Did she know? Had she guessed? Maybe she saw my boner before it deflated. Or maybe it was the way I stared at Emmett's ass twenty seconds ago.

Carrie pushed off the pool wall, gliding backwards through the water while Emmett crouched down and hopped back in. He turned back to me. "Why don't you get in?"

"I don't have a swimsuit."

"Just take your clothes off."

"I'm not swimming naked." The thought of that terrified me. Not the being naked part; I'd gone skinny dipping a few times. It was the being naked in front of Emmett part that was troublesome. I couldn't hide if I got turned on again, and I just got it to go down.

"I meant you can swim in your underwear, doofus," Emmett said, laughing. "I do it all the time."

"It's really no big deal," Carrie added. "Besides, you can lay your clothes out and by the time we get out, they'll be dry. I mean, you'll have to go commando when you leave, but who among us hasn't?"

I raised my hand. "I've never done that."

"Just don't do it if you're gonna wear jeans on a hot day," Emmett said. "Because you will chafe."

"Or leather if you go clubbing," Carrie added, turning her eyes to Emmett. "Remember that heat rash you got when you wore those leather pants to Vibrant."

Emmett swept his arm through the water to throw a wave at Carrie. "Don't tell him that."

I ignored their bickering splash-war, contemplating jumping in. The water looked so inviting. Perspiration was already beading on my forehead and my shirt was clinging to my back, just from sitting in the sun for five minutes. If I stayed, I would get drenched in sweat soon, anyway.

"Fuck it." I stood up and kicked off my flip-flops, stripping down to my boxers. I did as Carrie suggested and laid my damp clothes out flat on the lounge chair to let the sun dry them.

I walked over to the deep end and plugged my nose before taking a step off the edge. I sliced through the surface, my feet touching the bottom.

Springing up to refresh my lungs, I shook my head and swiped a hand across my face. I swam towards the shallows until my feet could reach the bottom. I looked to Carrie. "You'll have to tell Bob sorry for my lack of ingenuity."

"Huh?" Her forehead creased, then her eyes went wide with recognition. "Oh. That."

She and Emmett shared a look. They both snickered.

"That's just this stupid thing we've always done," Carrie said. "We're kind of obsessed with the swimming part of the Olympics. Especially the diving."

"That's cool," I said. "My sister and me always watch gymnastics and track. And snowboarding in the Winter Olympics. Rachel also loves the figure skating."

Emmett glanced at Carrie with a devious smirk. Then he met my eyes. "She's lying to you. What we're obsessed with is the hot guys."

Carrie sighed dreamily. "All those abs. And those tiny speedos."

"Don't forget those tight asses," Emmett said. He rolled his eyes back in his head and made a grunting sound in the back of his throat that did things to me. I was glad water created distortion.

I forced a laugh. "Right."

"Omigod, Emmie!" Carrie slapped the water. "Somebody in our Twitter group shared a news interview with this gorgeous blond Adonis who swims for UC Berkeley. Apparently, he's the next big thing in the butterfly stroke. It was so adorable. His boyfriend showed up at the pool while they were doing the interview. The guy actually told the interviewer to wait while he went over to kiss his boyfriend and say hello. Then he brought the guy over and held hands with him for the rest of the interview."

"Aw! I love that," Emmett said. "Send it to me."

"Already did. Check your DMs."

"They actually showed him kiss the guy on the news?" I asked, surprised.

Carrie nodded. "Not everywhere is still as repressed as our fair hamlet." She sounded resentful.

I understood her bitterness. Her best friend was gay. She wanted him to be happy without worrying about what someone might say or do to him. I pictured what Carrie described, but in my head, those guys were me and Emmett. Emmett stopping an interview, talking about some amazing heart-wrenching novel he'd written, just to kiss me.

"Are you okay?" Emmett asked. He was staring at me with a worried look.

I realized I had been staring at him the whole time. "What? Yeah. What do you mean?"

Emmett shook his head. "You just had this look. Like you were... I don't know... sad, maybe."

People kept saying that to me. First, Summer. Now, Emmett. Apparently, I had resting depressed face.

"I was just thinking about what Carrie said. And I was thinking about you."

Emmett looked confused. "Me? Why?"

"Because you have to deal with living here. Isn't it hard being here, being out?"

Emmett shrugged. "It's better than being here and being in. I was a nervous wreck before I came out. Always worried I might slip up and say something to reveal myself."

"What made you finally do it?"

"Honestly, I was in the car, on the way to school, with my mom and Carrie. And I just had this urge to tell them. I'd gone over how and when and what to say a million times, trying to find the perfect way, but nothing ever seemed right. In the end, I just looked at them that day, and I wanted them to know who I was. This was the only thing about me they didn't know. Carrie was talking about a crush of hers. Then I just blurted, 'I like boys.'" He chuckled, grinning widely. "It was a mess of a coming out."

"It was perfect." Carrie swam over and hooked an arm around Emmett's neck, pressing her cheek to his. "His mom pulled the car over when I attacked him from behind with hugs and kisses."

"They both said they loved me, and we all got out in a Walmart parking lot and hugged. And I cried. They cried. Then my mom took us to school."

"Did you know?" I asked Carrie. "Before he told you? Could you tell?"

Carrie shrugged, smoothing her hands over the surface of the water, barely sparing me a glance. "I never really gave it that much thought, to be honest. I was much more concerned with who I wanted to date than who he did. And he was never on my list."

Now that was shocking.

Before my brain could catch up, I blurted, "But he's hot."

Every muscle in my body seized up.

I did not just say that.

I did not just say that.

I cannot have just said that.

Oh my God! I just fucking said that.

They both stared at me.

I had to do damage control. Walk it back. Or make it less weird. Guys could acknowledge another guy's looks. Even straight guys knew the difference between an attractive man and an ugly one. They may not say it, but they knew it.

I started rambling, trying to get myself out of this: "I mean, like... you know... objectively and all. Emmett is... he's an attractive guy. For most people. Obviously, that could change from person to person depending on preference and cultural norms. But standards of beauty, y'know? Symmetrical features and all that."

What the hell was I even saying? Did any of that even make sense? I didn't remember half of what just came spewing out my mouth after I said it.

Emmett continued to stare with open-mouthed awe, completely speechless.

My heart pounded faster than that day on the 4-wheeler when I began this obsession with him.

Carrie regained her composure and said, "Yeah, you're right. He is. But he's like my brother. Even before I knew he was gay."

"Cool," I said, training my eyes on a tiny stick that floated in the water near me.

I considered fleeing, but that would make this a thousand times worse. Emmett would know. If he didn't already.