——————————————————————

2 weeks had passed and I was still with James in a hotel near the city. I hadn't been to school, hadn't talked to my friends and worst of all I hadn't talked to Ava. I wasn't allowed to have my phone and no matter how I much I tried, I couldn't get James to give me my phone back.

James told me it was better to be away from them. He told me they had texted me awful things. They called me awful names and he told me Ava said it was better with me gone, that I was just an obstacle and she was relieved she didn't have to deal with me in person. I didn't believe him at first, but why would he lie about that? I didn't know what to believe and it didn't matter because I had no one but James.

James was nice. I saw the man I once fell in love with appear sometimes. He bought me gifts, took care of me and complimented me. It felt nice to see some of the old him back. In those moments I felt like he had changed and maybe I could one day fall in love with him again.

But unfortunately it wasn't always like that. The other day we went to the mall together. It was nice and nothing happened in my opinion, but when we got back to the hotel room James flipped. Apparently I had been flirting with the guy behind the counter of a store we went to. I didn't even realize I was doing that, but James thought otherwise. I apologized a million times but he didn't seem to believe that it was never my intention to flirt with someone.

I was to blame for his behavior. I wasn't to trust and that made him crazy. He confuses me. I was ugly, and fat. I was annoying and too stubborn. I was lucky to even have him, he told me. No one else would want me around, even Ava texted me saying she's happy she got rid of me. I didn't believe his words at first, but the longer I stayed with him, the more I started to believe him.

No one wanted me here, I should be happy with James. He was the only one who cared about me at this point in my life.

The abuse however didn't stop, if anything it got worse. He would hit me l if I didn't listen, sometimes even with a belt. I deserved it, he would tell me. I would believe him.

I used to be a confident girl, but I now could not find her anymore. I think James is addicted to sex and that was something I didn't want. He would tell me how ugly and fat I was and that I was lucky he would even have sex with me. I was less than him and he at least deserved sex after having to put up with me. I lost all strength to fight him so mostly I agreed. Even if I didn't agree, he would force me to do so anyway, always bringing up the pictures and videos he had of me.

I woke up after a nap. I had barely slept last night because of the pain in my stomach. James got mad and punched me in the stomach. I didn't blame him. I apparently had left dirty clothes on the floor. I should've picked it up but I didn't.

"Good morning princess." James greeted me with a smile. "Hi." I replied, trying my best to force a smile.

I walked up to the table where he was eating lunch. I catched a glimps of myself in the mirror. I didn't recognize myself. I had lost a noticeable amount of weight and my eyes looked empty.

"Ready for work?" I asked him. He recently had gotten a job at a local bar. I was happy for him.

"Sure am, It's only a 4 hour shift so I'll be back before you know it."

I smiled. "Good."

"Can you grab me some water?"

"Sure." I replied.

I walked up to the kitchen and filled him a glass of water. I walked up to the table where he was sitting, but I tripped over one of his shoes, making the water spill all over the glass.

He jumped up. "You useless bitch." He yelled at me. "Look what you've done."

"I-i'm sorry James." I said with a shaky voice. He raised his hand. "Please, no. I'm sorry." I hold in my breathe, mentally preparing myself for the pain, but instead he lowered his arm.

"Clean that up." He huffed. He walked passed me and slammed the door shut behind me. He was off to work, so I could finally breathe again.

I was finally alone and I decided to go down to the mall to buy some make-up. I hadn't done anything about my appearance in weeks and I wanted to feel pretty again.

As I was walking down the streets I couldn't stop thinking about my friends and Ava. I wanted to see them and I was alone now so I could, but James had made it clear that they were happy I was gone. They didn't want me in their lives anymore, so visiting them would only end in disappointment for myself.

My mind trailed back to Ava. Only the thought of her made my heart ache already. The woman I loved so much didn't want me around anymore. The one person who I thought would never hurt me didn't even want me around. I was a burden to everyone around me. I was lucky I had James, at least he cared about me.

I could feel a tear fall down my face. I quickly dried it with my sleeve, not wanting anyone to see me cry in public.

I walked up to the drugstore. I didn't have too much money on me so I couldn't afford expensive make-up. I walked down the make-up aisle and picked out some eyeshadow, eyeliner, blush and mascara. Maybe I could surprise James and make myself pretty for once.

I went home and immediately did my make-up. James had not been in a good mood lately so I wanted to cheer him up a little. I did my make-up, did a great eyeshadow look and my eyeliner was perfectly done. I looked into the mirror and smiled at myself. I felt pretty for once. I hadn't felt like that in weeks.

I knew James would eat dinner at work so I warmed some food up for myself and sat down to watch some TV.

About an hour later I heard the front door being opened. I stood up. James walked in and his face didn't look too happy.

"How was your day?" I asked him.

He bit on his lip. "I got fired." He said calmly, moving closer to me.

"I-i'm sorry, what happened?"

"You happened." He said through gritted teeth.

His breathing got heavier and heavier as he walked up closer to me. "Because of you and your dumb behavior I fucked up at work." He grabbed me by my throat and pushed me against the wall. "You and your stupid water. God why can't you do anything? You made me be late at work and because of you I was distracted. Because of YOU I lost my job." He yelled at me.

"I-" I struggled to breathe, making it harder for my words to come out.

"I don't want to hear your excuses." He said, pushing me even tighter to the wall before letting go.

I grabbed my throat, heavily breathing in and out.

"I'm sorry." I said with a quiet voice, still struggling to get the words out.

He shrugged and walked away from me. "What have you done to your face? You look even worse than normal."

"I just thought—"

"Maybe you should stop thinking, you look ridiculous, I feel bad that I have to look at your face all the time. At this point I don't even know why we're together. I deserve way better." He said.

Tears filled my eyes. The tiny bit of confidence I had today was immediately taken away.

"Get to the bedroom, you're gonna have to make up for it." He ordered.

Without talking back I walked to the bedroom and got undressed. He followed me to the room and pushed me onto the bed. I closed my eyes and let him do whatever he pleased. I tried to take my mind to a happier place, but right now I couldn't think of anything. Ava used to be my happy place, but every memory with her was now ruined. She didn't even want me. I had no choice but to face James who was now on top of me. His body crushing mine, making it hard to breathe, but I kept quiet.

He pushed himself deep inside of me and with each thrust the pain got more intense. I bit my lip, trying to hold myself back from crying.

Not much later he finally got off of me. He looked at me with a dark look on his face.

"You're lucky you have me. No one would want you anyway." He huffed.

He laid his body down next to mine. He turned off the lights and within minutes he was asleep.

I on the other hand couldn't sleep. I quietly got up from the bed and walked to the living room. I sat down on the couch and immediately broke down crying. I didn't want to wake James, so I quietly sobbed.

I tried my best not to let James his words get to me, but I couldn't anymore. Today I broke, I couldn't take it anymore. I thought back on my life. My parents wanted nothing to do with me. The friends I used to have, all eventually left. Sam and David wanted nothing to do with me and even Ava didn't care about me anymore. I could feel my heart break into a million pieces. James was right. I was useless, no one wanted me around. Even James didn't know why he was still with me. I had disappointed everyone I had ever met. Maybe the world really was better off without me.

I traced my throat with my fingers. I jumped a little from the pain. My whole body was aching. I had several bruises on my legs, my stomach, my arms and now my throat.

I looked at myself in the reflection of the tv screen. I didn't recognize the girl sitting there. I had been through a lot in my life, but I always remained confident and I tried my best to be bubbly. I had never given up on life because I knew things would eventually get better. But the girl in the reflection was different. She was no longer confident, she didn't have the energy to be bubbly or happy and this girl had given up hope that things would eventually get better. This girl had given up hope.

I tried to think of one person who cared about me. I needed someone to care about me, but I couldn't think of anyone. I tried to think of happy memories, anything to convince me that all hope wasn't lost, but all the memories I once considered as happy were now filled with pain.

I put on my shoes and made my way outside, trying to be as quiet as possible so I wouldn't wake James. Hundreds of thoughts went through my head, and my mind was going a 100 miles per hour.

I walked around mindlessly, not entirely sure where I was going.

I walked, alone, for hours in the dark, hoping for someone to stop me and ask me if I was okay. Hoping for someone, anyone to tell me they care about me. Looking for the last bit of hope I needed, but nothing. No one.

I walked passed the neighborhood Ava lived in. The thought of going over to her had slipped my mind, but I was sure she didn't want to see me, so I decided against it.

I stopped in front of a huge bridge. I stood there for a moment, taking in the size of the object in front of me. I sighed and made my way to the highest point of the bridge.

After a 10 minute walk I had reached the highest point. It was a quite night and besides a few cars driving by and the sounds of the water beneath me it was dead silent.

I threw my legs over the edge of the bridge and sat there, my back facing the driving cars. The view was beautiful. The water underneath me looked peaceful and the lit up buildings and billboards gave me a sense of comfort.

My legs were dangling off the edge and the cold breeze from the water sent shivers down my spine.

It's now or never, I told myself. It's better this way, you're useless. Nobody cares about you, no one wants you around.

Tears fell down my face. I knew I had to do this. After years of putting up with horrible things I would finally be free. I would finally be able to rest.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall back. I took a deep breath. Flashbacks of my life filled my head. Me as a kid. My dad dancing with me. Sam, me and David laughing. Ava rubbing my cheeks. Me in the hospital. Me at the abortion clinic. James yelling at me. James grabbing my throat. Me sitting on the edge of the bridge. Black.

It was too much, it had to be done. I let out a big sigh. This was it. I can finally be free.

I lifted myself up with my arms, only my hands still holding the edge of the bridge. I counted down, I had to let myself go eventually.

3... 2... 1-

"Are you okay?" I heard a woman behind me ask. I looked to the side to see who was talking to me.

My eyebrow shot up. "Ava?"

"Oh my god, Rachel." She yelled.

The sudden movement of my body made me lose balance. I let out a scream.

—————————————————————

two chapters in one day because i don't want you guys to wait too long only for it to be depressing so I thought I would write these two chapters today x