I grabbed my keys from my pocket and opened the door to my apartment. It was nice living alone. No parents, no responsibilities towards anyone, just me. It did feel lonely at times. Really lonely.

I let out a sigh and walked up to the kitchen. I grabbed my flask from my bag and filled it up with water. I grabbed my phone to see that James had texted me multiple times. I was tired, I couldn't deal with this right now. I set an alarm and walked up to my bedroom. I surely had home work to do but i couldn't be bothered right now.

I undressed and changed into a big shirt before crawling into bed. Today was exhausting and I felt ashamed I had let shit get this far. I turned on a little light before getting comfortable.

Finally, I thought to myself. I closed my eyes. My mind was racing and an endless wave of thoughts kept coming. I was disappointed in myself. My mental illness had completely taking over. I was depressed. I knew that very well and everyone around me did too but I thought I was handeling it well. At least I thought I was until I met James. He was one of those bad guys I felt attracted to. He gave me attention at a point in my life where I was so low I could really use someone. Anyone. I was severely traumatized and he was the first person I felt comfortable sharing my thoughts with. So I did, and he seemed to understand me. I really thought he did, at least until he grew impatient with me. See the thing about my trauma is that sex, sober at least, is incredibly difficult for me. I don't trust easily and my PTSD doesn't always allow me to enjoy sex. It's extremely triggering and gives me flashbacks to one of the worst moments in my life. I see his face. I know I saw his face but in my nightmares and flashbacks he doesn't have a face. It's just a black shadow-ish person. Sex brings me back there so when I told James I felt so happy that he understood me and why it would take a bit longer for me to open myself up like that to him. But one day he had it. He didn't want to wait any longer so he got mad. Really mad. I got scared and agreed to have sex. But i couldn't go through with it and I begged him to stop but he just kept going. That's when I felt every piece in my body break. I couldn't understand how the person who was there for me, understood me and cared for me now suddenly couldn't care less about anything I had to say. From that point on it only went downhill. He started being abusive towards me and got me into drugs. I know I should leave him but I was scared. Scared of what he will do. Scared of what will happen to me.

I took a sip of water. My thoughts were killing me and the comedown was torturing me. A tear escaped from my eye. Wondering what I did to deserve this. Wondering why no one seemed to care. Wondering where it all went so terribly wrong.

I closed my eyes again, going over today. The new teacher seemed nice. She seemed to genuinely be worried about me. It may seem weird that I like the thought of someone worrying about me but no one ever seemed to care enough to worry. Maybe she didn't even care but had to because she's my teacher. I don't care right now. It felt good. I yawned, feeling my eyes become heavier every second.

——

I opened my eyes. God i was tired. I turned around to look at the clock. 06:30. I luckily had enough time left. I got up and put on some shorts and a big sweater. It was the beginning of may but I was still freezing.

I checked myself in the mirror. I looked alive again finally. I took a long warm shower. God a shower could feel so good. I was in there probably way longer than necessary but it felt so nice. I eventually had to get out. School started soon and I still had to get dressed and do my make up.

I quickly put an outfit together. I decided to go with black jeans, a cute top and dr. martens. It missed something. I went through my jewelry box and decided to go with some necklaces, rings and a hoops. I did a simple make up look, put my hair in two small ponytails and let the rest of my hair down.

I looked in the mirror. I looked good and I was ready to go to school. I grabbed my phone and texted David.

R: Hi sexy, ready for school?

D: Look who's alive!!! Always. Are you driving?

R: I slept for a solid 12 hours so i'm back to being a baddie. I'll drive be there in 10

D: You're always a baddie ;) see ya

I smiled. I grabbed my keys and my bag and got in my car. I put on my music and drove off to pick up David.

We got out of the car and waited for Sam. We walked to the back of the school so I could lit up a cigarette while waiting.

"Hello gays." I looked up.

"Sammie!" I was excited to see her. I finally felt normal after a while and that showed.

"Hi baby." She did a weird jump and gave me and David both a big hug.

"The excitement is outstanding today." David said with a smile. I laughed at him while softly pinching his arm.

"Did you guys do Spanish homework? I couldn't for the life of me figure it out. I only know what manzana means."

" Fuck!" I yelled out, totally growing annoyed with myself. "I totally forgot about that."

David bursted out laughing. "Oh rach, you're gonna be in so much trouble." I rolled my eyes. I didn't even have time to copy anyones homework since class started in 2 minutes. I crossed my arms and walked to class. Not knowing how i was gonna get out of this one.

As we reached the Spanish classroom I let go of Sam's hand. She had math right now. "See you at lunch Sammie." She waved and walked to the other side of the hall. I looked up to David as we walked into our classroom. "I'm gonna be in so much trouble."