True P.O.V

When I began to walk home I was actually kind of happy. I wasn't overally sad or depressed today, unlike other days. I wasn't thinking in my more darker mindset, which made me happy. Who wants to be depressed all day? Not me, and if anything, I'd rather be happy. If I couldn't kill myself, then I rather embrace life with all I had, even though life didn't really seem like it wanted to embrace me back. It was fine though, since I couldn't kill myself, since I was most definitely not going to but Bryan through it again, I was going to put so much more effort in life.

Or I thought I was. I think every person alive generally makes a promise to themselves and then flat down ignores it. What do you think New Years Resolutions are? Nothing more than a promise you 'assure' yourself your going to do, but when it comes down to actually doing it, you forget, back out, don't wanna, don't need to, don't have time, the excuses goes on for what seems like forever, but when it comes down to it, the promise is never kept. Why make a promise if you don't think you are going to keep it? A question I'll never be able to answer myself as I have broken promises as well, to Kyle, to myself, to Bryan, to Michael, to Chris, to almost fucking everyone.

I ignore the passing cars as the drive in a steady pattern, none of them slowing down or speeding up, taxi's could be heard but I didn't think much about the taxi's as they are a common sight to see here in the city that never sleeps, though I've never been inside a taxi, others can't say the same. I see a taxi as a unecessary expense, especially since I have a motorcycle, why would a purchase a temporary vehicle to drive me from point A to point B for more than it's really worth? It isn't nor will it ever be worth the fucking expense, that and walking never killed anybody and I don't really have a place to be, so walking was my choice in transportation as of today. I kind of enjoyed walking, walking was a great way to exercise, even though I don't really need to be skinnier as I'm already kind of a twig, but thats my opinion of my self and no one ever said that my self-esteem had to go back to normal, in fact most people ignore how mental state as long as I don't do anything drastic, such as try to kill myself, but in my opinion it's kind of sad how it took them to that point to see how I was truly feeling, how they could live such a ignorant life until someone tries to kill themselves and then they have to step into it with a groan of laziness.

The world is truly pitiful.

Regardless of how long it took them to notice, that wasn't the goal I wanted. I just wanted all this bullshit to stop. I couldn't take having to quiet my sobs so my siblings wouldn't hear or bite my lip so I don't scream out in pain when dad whips me while everyone else is upstairs having a family movie night oblivious to what was taking place in the basement. It's completely bullshit. You can only get punched so many times before you slowly lose the will to get back up.

I walked in peace alittle while longer until I reached the house, a sigh escaping my lips as I anticipated the awkwardness that is most definitely going to greet me upon the entire of the house, Bryan would be stuck to me like glue, Chris would be trying to figure out why I killed myself, and Madisyn would be a good girl and be quiet. What about Michael? Well, he was being himself, quiet as shit and he looked at me with a new look in his eyes, he was being cautious and concerned about me but the cautiousness was slowly disappearing. I was glad, I was happy that they weren't treating me like shit like before but I was kind of creeped out by how much I was getting of the attention I didn't really need or want the proclaimed 'attention' as I had never really been in the spot light and I didn't want to be in it now . . . or ever.

I walked slower as I got even closer to the house, not wanting to be in the house, it wasn't the house that was bad, it was currently the family, but I've already explained that. I took a very deep, calming breath before walking towards the door and opening it, and walking inside where all of hell seemed to burst out.

Bryan was crying on the floor, Chris was yelling loudly at dad, who I hadn't seen since the suicide, mom was trying to keep Bryan from crying, Madisyn's make-up was smeared on her face as it was obvious that she was doing it when the fighting started, and Michael, well he looked like he was about to explode into anger.

I walk into the living room and all the attention seems to be directed at me in a mere instant.

And shit happened. Dad's angry face turned even redder as he marched over to me and slammed me up against a wall. My back popped at the contact to the nice wall. I winced as I felt the nicely healing bruises were pushed against the wall, causing me a slight since of pain.

Everything seemed to freeze the moment dad lifted me off the ground now the room was completely silent and even though the silence only last for a single second, it felt like forever to me.

"YOU STUPID BRAT! RUINING OUT NAME IN A STUPID ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE?!?!?" Dad yelled in my face, making me turn my face to the side as small tears fell from my eyes, as a sense of deja vu washed over me. "IF YOU TRIED IT YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST TAKEN ENOUGH DAMN PILLS TO DIE AND SAVE US FROM SUFFERING!!!" That seemed to snap everyone else out of the shocked mind set. Tears were now falling directly from my eyes, as those words set in I knew I should have succeeded and if Bryan hadn't popped into my room at that exact moment then I would have, but fate didn't work that way. I knew that people were suffering because of me being alive, I knew that much, but I didn't want to admit it to myself.

"DAD!!!!" Chris yelled in shock, and anger. Chris looked at dad with a new look, one of knowing and fury. "PUT HIM DOWN!!!!" I heard anger in his voice as he yelled at dad. I froze for a moment when I felt dad's gun push up into my stomach, fear ran through me, and I knew it was that moment that Chris saw the gun.

"If you can't do something right, do it your own self." Dad said to the room, and I heard the sound of the gun cocking, before I heard one thing.

Bam!