I couldn't wrap my head around what had happened between Karsen and I that night after he had won his football game. And even when I had a facetime call with Gracie the day after, i'd been completely out of it, and now I was still here, in this place in my mind, still thinking about him.

I don't think I ever remember a guy actually wanting me that way. When I was younger in high school, my acquaintances would tell me I was scary, that I dismissed guys too easily, that I should just have fun, mess around, but I just couldn't feel anything with them no matter how hard I tried to.

When I was trying to figure myself out, i'd initially thought maybe I was asexual, that maybe I couldn't get sexually turned on or something like that, but when Karsen was looking at me, the only thing I could feel was him, the only thing my body wanted was to feel him and it fucking horrified me because it was the first time i'd ever felt that way.

So I left.

Because... what the actual fuck?

I ignored his calls, I ignored his texts, and I avoided him but it wasn't hard because I just didn't go to college for the whole week since I was kinda sick.

I was also trying to straighten my head out, texting Summer to tell her that I was sick and that's all but the much more real reason was that Karsen was driving me to insanity without even meaning to.

This friendship wasn't going to work, we were never going to work, not as anything, not as friends, not even as art partners.

There was something there. Between us.

Just around one month now till we're done with one another forever. And we can do that one month without being with one another all the time, we can make a plan, but I couldn't see him often, not again, not after almost kissing him, or almost letting him kiss me or whatever the fuck that was between us.

Its been around a week since the last day I saw him.

Another game passed, but this time it resulted in a loss, and I wasn't there for him, and I wanted to be, and I had no fucking clue why I cared about him so damn much.

I worried about him.

I hoped he wasn't smoking.

I prayed he wasn't anxious.

I wanted him to be okay.

Part of me was going crazy.

I was walking to class on the following Thursday after receiving the most calls from Karsen than i'd ever gotten before, the heels of my boots tapping against the tiles with every step and I swallow hard, hoping I don't see him today, or if I do, it'll just be in passing.

I had to come back for classes eventually, and over the weekend i'd decided that I had to come back on Monday.

So here I was on Monday morning, walking to my first class with a stupid tea from the cafe Karsen and I always went to, and I was also eating a blue cookie instead of a red one, drinking and eating it because I think I missed his stupid fucking face a little too damn much.

I have no idea what's going on with me.

"You're back!"

I almost trip and fall face flat on the ground, but when I turn and look up its just Summer and I sigh, my shoulders sagging back to normal and I hug her when we meet in the middle.

"Feeling better?"

Not even a little.

"Im fine yeah, how've you been?"

Summer sighs, "Well for one the guys have been mopping over their one loss so the atmosphere around them was not the greatest."

I smile sadly at that.

"But we're thinking about going on a trip to clear their heads, since theres no game this week Friday."

I raise a brow, "Oh, where to?"

"Camping!"

I almost snort, "Is that supposed to be fun?"

She shrugs, "Well Friday is camping, Saturday and Sunday we're gonna be staying at this lake house Jake's parents own."

I oh'd in realization, "Sounds fun, do send me pictures of the lake." I tell her and she nods before she stops, putting a hand out and looks to me, "Wait."

I hum, waiting to hear what she had to say.

"Why don't you come with us!" She squeals.

But me? My eyes just widen, probably to the size of a saucer, "Oh- oh uh... I don't want to intrude."

"Intrude? We all would want you there." She says it like its obvious but for some reason it makes my heart lose rhythm in my chest, a weird comforting warmth dragging over my skin, its sweet.

For some reason my mind wonders if Karsen wants me there and my cheeks burn at the thought.

What. The. Actual.

Fuck.

"There you are." I hear Chance say from behind us and when I look back to him at the sound of his voice, my eyes widen a little more if humanely possible.

Not just Chance, but Matt and Karsen were close-by behind him, and Karsen looks so damn good and those stupid fucking butterflies are back and I think im gonna tear my hair right out my head, but thankfully, the two are two busy talking as Chance looks from Summer to me.

"Oh, hey."

I smile, so damn happy he didn't say my name aloud as I turned back around, "See you later." I say quickly to Summer, speed walking as I tip the tea back and drinking the hugest gulp of my life, just to take away from the dryness in my throat, rounding the corner and I almost immediately come into contact with some guy, but instead of me walking into the guy, my tea drops right onto his shirt.

My lips part in shock.

Today was not my day.

"Oh my- oh fuck, shit I'm so sorry." I hiss, tilting my head back to look up to the poor man i'd messed with tea just for my eyes to meet some guys I think i've seen before.

Was he a football player?

"Nah, its not much." He shows the spot, but it is a lot, except his shirt is navy and its not that noticeable. "I uh- i'd give you money to get dry cleaned but I'm not sure if thats what you want."

His eyes stray down my body before it meets my eyes again and I move back, raising a brow because that was far too discomforting for my liking.

Douche.

Seconds later there's a tug on my hand and when I look back Karsen pulls me away from the person in front of me and instead to him, moving me away. I silently curse this stupid stranger for ruining my plan of getting as far away from Karsen as I could.

"You can wash it off, its just some fucking tea Kova." He says dryly before we pass by the guy and then suddenly he's no longer just holding my wrist.

He's holding my hand.

And we're walking away from everyone, and people around are looking at us and so I pull my hand out of his.

What the fuck was going on with the world today?

I followed close beside him and we were walking down the stairs when he stopped me much too suddenly for me to react, and he turned me around by my shoulder before speaking, "What's wrong?"

I blink.

Huh? Did he not remember the almost kiss? Or was he just so damn unaffected by it?

"I was sick."

He scoffs softly to himself, looking around in thought before he looks back down to me, "Fine you were sick, but you can't text or call when you're sick Addy?"

I almost laugh at his scolding tone, as if he had any right to scold me. "Oh please don't start with me today Karsen, it's literally nine in the morning." I say, rolling my eyes, "Also, i'm not forced to tell you my every move."

He looks at me in disbelief. "Every move? You were sick, we're friends aren't we? Friends talk to each other and I was fucking worried about you."

I feel a twinge in my heart at that. "Im better off without friends then." I snap, narrow my gaze on him, "You should go."

He leans closer as if for only me to hear, like he knows I need no one else to know about what happened between us and when he's this close to me, my mind seems to go haywire.

"Is this about the kiss?"

I almost choke.

"We didn't kiss." I hiss out quickly, ignoring how close he was again, his lips and eyes are so damn beautiful and his nose brushes over mine which almost makes me bite my lip, wondering if our lips would touch next, "I'd never kiss you after you kissed someone else."

He blinks, biting at the inner part of his cheek. "I meant... I meant when Cherry kissed me, did you have a problem with that Addy?"

My eyes widen a little.

Oh great.

Now I feel like an absolute bitch.

I clear my throat, "O-oh."

He scratches the back of his head of hair, "I didn't kiss her, she kissed me." His hand slid up my jaw, over my skin, rubbing his thumb there, and it feels so damn good that I give in and let him do it, tilting my head further back.

"Would you have kissed me if she didn't kiss me first Adrienne?" He asks me softly, and as soon as the words leave his mouth, my heart beats at a rushed rhythm in my chest, and I feel my lips part a little, not at all expecting him to ask me that.

What was going on with us all of a sudden?

Last week we were friends who sometimes playfully flirted but... what was this?

"I wouldn't- I would never kiss you Karsen." I breathe the words out like air, hoping the heaviness in my chest would leave.

It doesn't.

"Never?"

I want to hesitate.

I feel like in gonna hesitate.

But I power through and I nod and I see the way his eyes dull as he moves back and away from me but he doesn't push anything, "Then its done, we'll act like it never happened, we're just friends and we're still project partners so it's all good."

I swallow harshly, watching him and wondering if he felt this way for me too, like we shouldn't be together but I think- I think I wanted to actually, possibly, maybe kiss him, right now.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck.

Im fucked.

I want to scream.

"You're going away so you can take your stuff with you and I'll continue here with my part." I tell him.

He nods, "I'll do that." He leans down and kisses beside my forehead as usual which makes me sigh in relief because it meant there was no awkward tension lingering around us, and we were back to normal, "Meet me later today, my place?"

Why the fuck did it feel like a mistake to have agreed that we would just act like we hadn't almost kissed?

He doesn't say anything after I nod in agreement, he just walks back upstairs and I stand there staring at nothing, and the longer I stay.

The quicker it starts crumbling again.

I stare at the stairwell for what felt hours till I realized, nothing was gonna change if I didn't change it.

I made this choice.

I'd have to deal with it.

Because that was my problem, I craved changed, but i'd never, ever succumb to it.

===

I was in my car driving back home when I got a text from my nonna, making a mental note to check on it when I got home because I, just like most people, could not at all multitask, most of the time when I was in the car I just put the radio on, or no music at all, so I wouldn't have to change the song on my phone so many times throughout the car ride.

When I got home, parking in the driveway, I see that all the lights were on downstairs and I stared at it for a moment in wonder.

Our lights were always off.

Always.

I quickly opened the door of my car and jumped out, grabbing my bag, searching through it before finally finding what I was look for.

I flick the switch knife open before I close it again and walk to the door. Some people might think its excessive to carry a pocket knife with me, but it was a big city and I was a lone ranger ninety percent of the time.

I eye the house.

Every light was on.

Every single one.

Honestly, what the fuck was going on with the world today?

I tried opening the door, and when it was already unlocked my heart jumped into my throat, my nerves brushing over me like a blanket, heaviness seeped into my throat and I tried to swallow but it felt much too heavy.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I open the door.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I push it open.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

When the door is fully open and im able to see I look to the counter and- I see my mom.

I see my mother.

But she's not alone.

My eyes land on the man I hadn't seen since I was a teenager.

And he was... he was kissing my mother.

My lips part and I let out a sound, a gasp, without even so much as meaning to make any movement, sound, or anything.

They looks away from one another, and his eyes go wide when he sees me standing there, as if I was on the wrong house, as if I was the one who was not supposed to be here.

This had to be a dream.

A sick dream.

A nightmare. This was a nightmare.

"Evie."

I choke on a sob.

No.

No.

No.

I turn around, slamming the door closed and start running to my car, the tears not stopping as I grab ahold of my car door and fling it open before getting in and they rush outside but I'm already reversing out the driveway and speeding out of the neighborhood.

I cry.

It felt like betrayal. It reeked of betrayal. I felt like i'd been betrayed by my own mother.

It all started to make sense now. Why she was waking up, trying to be better. She could get up for him, no matter how hard he pushed her down, no matter what he did, how he did it, or even when he did it.

But she'd never get back up for me.

Only him.

Never me.

I'll never hold as much value in her life, not like the man who broke her.

The tears never stop as I drive in the dark. My vision is blurry, and the only way im getting to Karsen place is purely by muscle memory because im too disturbed to even see the roads clearly and I know its wrong and reckless but either that or I have a panic attack on the side of the road.

It felt like all the progress i'd made was gone.

And the bottom felt like home again.

When I got to his apartment building I sat there in the car and cried against the steering wheel, breathing softly, feeling my body shudder as I tried to stop crying but I can't stop. I just try not to reach the point of weeping loudly for anyone else to hear.

I was never going to be enough. But he was.

That asshole who left us after the car accident was enough for her, after everything, all the pain, he left, the man who left us when we needed him most.

That fucking piece of shit.

I almost scream.

I hated him, and right now, I hated myself too.

So much.

I couldn't hate my mother, not even if I tried to, but I could hate me, so I did, I'll substitute her for me and break myself apart tonight.

Its around 6pm when I walk into the apartment building, and to the elevator. Feeling my heart sink more and more by the second, feeling my eyes water every time I sniffed it away.

Minutes pass and I get out the elevator and walk to his door, my steps heavy almost as heavy as my confused heart when I knock and let my fist drags down the door.

As soon as he opens the door I look away from my hands and up to him and his eyes search my eyes, or around my eyes, or all of my face.

He looks worried.

He moves closer to me and cups my jaw, sliding his thumb over the skin beneath my eyes to see that its wet.

"What's wrong?"

As soon as he asked I broke down crying again, moving into the comfort that was his arms as he pulled me into the apartment, the side of my head pressed to his chest as I sobbed softly and he let his fingers run through strands of my hair soothingly, holding me just as tight as I was holding him.

And when im done crying he's still holding me.

He holds me like he's scared i'll break.

And when im done crying he's still holding me and he tips my chin back, wiping my face of the tears before kissing the flushed skin and I almost wanted to lean in and kiss him too, to ask him to make me forget, even if its for a moment.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I blink before I shake my head and he nodded, sending me a sad smile but I couldn't even try to return it. He leans down and hugs me again and I close my eyes as I wrap my arms around the back of his neck, biting my lip and shutting my eyes closed.

"Im so sorry baby." He says it softly, like he knows its not his fault but he knows I need to hear those words. I swallow and put my chin on his shoulder, embracing him, "It's okay Karsen." I whisper back, even if I know its a lie.

Its not okay.

Nothing felt okay.

He didn't ask me what happened again, he just took me upstairs by my hand and we worked on our project in silence together till it was around one in the morning.

And we were now laying on the tarp, and I was drawing on my hand mindlessly till he spoke up from where he was beside me.

"How does it feel?" He asks me as we lay on his floor, his hands behind his head as we look at the dull colored roof, "How does what feel?" I question.

"Being sad so often."

I looked to him on my left, my eyes still puffy from all the crying but I didn't feel as weak anymore, even if I was as physically tired as I was mentally.

I smile weakly at him, wondering if what I was gonna say was stupid or cheesy, but I say it anyway, "It feels like being an empty cup, in an empty room, and the water is just outside the door but you can't reach it, and you'll never reach it because that water isn't yours, you belong to the empty room, you are the cup, and cups can't walk, its what you're meant for, to be empty." I told him, swallowing as a lone tear escaped my eye. "So you just stay empty forever, no matter what."

"Someone can open the door, and pour the water for you."

When I looked away from his arm so close to mine and up to his eyes, I saw that they were already on me, staring at me, analyzing me, "Maybe."

I could see the look in his eyes.

I knew that look.

I had that look when I was seventeen trying to save my mother.

He hoped it was him.

He hoped he could save me.

I could see it in his eyes, the way it glassed over but not from crying, it was from an ache of imagining someone you cared about being in pain forever.

He wanted so badly to save me.

Could he? Can people actually save one another? I had no idea.

I didn't know what to do anymore.

"Sometimes, deep rooted sadness is all we are Karsen, you can't fix everything, especially if thats what a person has become."

"I dont want to fix you, I just... I want to help you." He says, as if he knew exactly what I meant.

You can't fix me Karsen.

"Maybe the cup analogy was too much to process, I feel like im dead but im obligated to keep living." I hate the way he looks like that hurts him too, like hearing me refer to myself as nothing more than well... nothing, is a pain to me.

"Do you understand? Theres no way you can help me, its like being torn and thrown away, its like being set on fire."

"It can come to an end." He says it like it was simple but its not, its not at simple as he was making it sound.

Right?

He cupped my cheek, an action he liked doing and apart of me would like to think it was because he wanted to be touching me, to acknowledge that im really here with him, not even sexually, just some sort of intimacy between us because for some reason, I think he needed to be close to me.

And I needed him to be close to me too.

He made it better.

All of it.

A little.