My day was fine for the most part.

I woke up okay.

I didn't feel as tired as I usually did.

And not as negative either.

That was until I'd realized something.

I was walking to get to the parking lot rigor now when I'd realized i'd forgotten to get my mothers prescription meds for the week.

I'd literally forgotten to get them.

Which I never usually did.

And I couldn't even stay home after I got them and gave them go her because I had to go meet Karsen for the stupid fucking project.

Calm down Adrienne. Just calm down.

I was rushing down, barreling through practically when I turned a corner continuing my way, thinking about every word i've ever read to console myself because I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I thought i'd feel better today. That a weight had lifted. That it would be different but it wasn't and I was once again so sad that it wasn't any different.

Nobody understands that the small things add up, that when your day is going good and its suddenly ruined it hurts so bad because you wanted so desperately to cling to the good but now your brain is shitting on you for caring too much and not caring at all.

It was so damn confusing.

Mom, I really hope im not you.

I passed by a few people, groups flocked around but far too engrossed in their own conversations to notice me wiping at my eyes with the back of my shirt sleeve and im sure it looks like im just tired and trying to not fall asleep right now.

At least thats what I thought till someone tugged at my arm from behind me and I turned around so quickly that I had to blink my tears back.

I didn't want to be touched, but in some strange way I wanted to be held and it made me want to move away from the strangers touch.

I tugged my hand out of his, looking up just to see Karsen.

He who analyzed my face like I was a freaking English poem because he saw me earlier in my car and I was fine but now I probably looked like I was mid panic attack.

But the problem is, you just can't forget things like your mothers medication, she needs to take her medication to stay out of hospital, to stay alive, how could I forget to get it for her?

HOW?

"What's wrong?" He asked me casually.

I think my eyes widened before I stepped back once, just one step, putting some space between us.

I had no idea why he was asking me that, or maybe I did, because my face and eyes were probably a little red and it was noticeable i'd cried a little or something had happened to me.

It was none of his business though, plus, we didn't know each other well enough to care about the other.

Just art partners.

"Why are you asking me that?" I asked him like he was insane and he blinked, his eyes once again scanning mu face, "Why am I asking you what's wrong when you've obviously been crying?"

"Im not crying."

He moves closer to me, cupping my jaw, holding my face between his warm hands, he swiped my wet cheeks with his thumbs, leaning a little closer.

"Salt water leaking from your eyes then?" He asked sarcastically, teasingly, and I almost rolled my eyes, almost.

"You're too nice to someone who just tolerates you Krist." I say softly to him as I move back and away from his touch, his fingers were soft yet they were calloused on mine.

Or maybe I was the one who was calloused and he was soft and we were so different it made me pissed at him.

"You just tolerate me?" He asked, but I wasn't sure if he was playing around or was genuinely waiting for me to admit that I really didn't just tolerate him, that I actually liked his company and him.

I always said hurtful shit like this to him, he shouldn't be surprised.

"Its nothing special, I don't- I don't really like anyone." I reply as I turned back around, "I'll just see you at my place after you get back from football practice." Was all i'd said to him before I continued my way to the parking lot ignoring the way my brain told me to go back there and be a decent human being and apologize to the only person who cared enough to ask me if im okay.

My body ached and I wanted to cry more as I got in my car and reversed out, pushing my hair back behind my ears and as the tears silently drip down my cheeks.

I wanted to scream and cry, but I felt so dramatic. Why the fuck was I this way? Why couldn't I just be happy? Was I incapable? Was happiness really a choice? Why couldn't I choose it then?

I had so many questions and yet no one to direct it to.

Maybe im fucking pathetic for thinking this, but why is it always me who's hurt? Its the one question that always comes to mind when I feel like a mess and I know people would say don't say that, its almost like saying that hurt should be passed on to someone else, but fuck, right now all I can think about is why is it always me and not someone else?

Why is my throat aways clogged with pain?

Why does breathing hurt? And no, not physically, it hurts in a way that makes me want to stop breathing, it hurts so much that I have no idea where its hurting. Emotional pain is a wreckage, because you can't ease it, not at all, you have to ride it out till its gone.

And I hate this.

===

as I get home and I get the stuff inside after having the biggest mental breakdown in my life. But what shocks me when I get there is that my mother is not in her bedrooms.

Shes here, she's awake, and she's downstairs.

I stop in my tracks and I look to her. For a moment I just stare. Stare at the couch, stare at her, stare at everything in the house because i'd wondered if I was just seeing things like Macbeth had seen Banquo's ghost at the table, except my mother was alive.

"Yo-you're here?"

She looks away from the tv screen, scratching at the back of her head of curly hair before she pulls the blanket further up and over her body.

"It got... tiring, being in one place." She says, as if finally finding the words.

Thats the thing about sad people, tiring is a mental exhaustion to us, not physical, never physical. Its like the physical exhaustion is caused by the mental. And then you're in a hole. You're in a space where you watch everyone do things and you can't do it because its so tiring and you feel like crap because it takes so much out of you when its other peoples normal and then suddenly you're just a waste of space who lives to buy her mothers medication and pushes the only person away who seems to care about her for some inexplicable reason.

I swallow and nod, ignoring my thoughts for a moment, "I guess I understand." I tell her as I walk around to restock the medicine cabinet with the contents in the packet.

Slow progress is progress, I tell myself but I can't help but feel almost curious, happy and a little annoyed. Why couldn't she have gotten tired of it earlier?

I feel like im too far gone to want to change into someone more stable at this point, its like in some way i'd rather bask in the comfort in the discomfort than find a way to find comfort in the comfortable.

But if she fixed herself maybe i'd be able to find it in me too as well. Or maybe I was thinking too far and this was just gonna be something else to end up disappointing me.

I packed it in silence, filling up two glasses of water and I walk to my mom, passing her one as I sit beside her and she takes ahold of it before sipping on it.

We stay in silence for a moment. Basking in it, hoping that whatever comfortable silence here doesn't break us.

"Seeing you make friends made me realize change, moving on, it isn't so bad."

I swallow hard at that before taking another gulp of my water.

"And its not too late."

"Sometimes it feels like it is." I tell her, looking away from my glass and to her and she shakes her head, "Whatever's telling you that is lying."

Its so hypocritical to hear her of all people say that. As if after that back yard accident and failed marriage she hadn't just became a fragmented shell of the person I once knew.

I stand up and nod, taking myself and my water upstairs because I think that short conversation was enough for both us today.

When six o,clock rolled in I had almost forgot about him completely, till he texted me and I rubbed at my temples as I walked to my moms room, seeing as she was back upstairs and asleep now.

I closed her bedroom door before I went downstairs and put the lights on, unlocking the deadbolt then the door and taking a deep breath before I opened it.

When we look at one another I almost want to look away from him, but I know if I did i'd back out of this and I didn't want to.

I blink, swallowing before I move myself outside, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I know its not an excuse but I've never had someone ask me how I am in a long time and it made me nervous."

He doesn't interrupt me, he doesn't try to say he gets it, or that its okay, he just stares at me, and he listens.

"I've always been alone, desolation raised me, I got scared when you asked me if I was okay because its like going against myself to tell you that I wasn't okay Karsen, truth is I haven't been okay for a long time."

He still stare's at me and I swallow back the lump in my throat before I continue. "I like you, and I don't want to mess this up, i've never had a friend before and I- I think, maybe I do actually want one."

His eyes seem to soften and for some reason I don't want to look away from him.

His eyes were so soft and everything felt so hard.

I think it was me who moved closer and hugged him but he responds almost immediately and hugs me too and I feel like im cowering away till he kisses the side of my head like he did in the car, and the feeling is so different... but its also so damn nice.

My whole body sinks against his, basking in the warmth of his arms, "Im sorry." I mumble against his shirt, hoping he could hear me.

"Its okay." He replies softly and I close my eyes shut to stop from crying but it doesn't work, light tears seem to slide down my face and it doesn't stop even if its inaudible.

But, maybe it is okay.