I always thought loneliness was almost like a thick blanket that was physically impossibly to get out of.

Its a suffocating blanket, warm but not a comforting warmth, warm in a threatening way, warm like like a fire.

Loneliness is like those sharp pains the body gets, some from your left to your right and to the side of your head, the pain on the side of your stomach that makes you jolt or that sensation of falling in your sleep and you wake up with your eyes wide and confused and disoriented- or maybe Im exaggerating it.

But loneliness to me? Its always been an infection, spread across my body, like a pain that will never subside, like an ache that i'll have to carry my whole life and continue to live with because its simply not erasable.

Its a disease.

Loneliness is weird.

Its addictive.

Im addicted to pain, at least I think I am. Some part of me wants to stay alive, chooses to stay alive, because I want to see if it ever gets better but everyday is just as painful at the last.

Im addicted to being alone, and im addicted to pain, and the longer im alone, the longer my pain seems to last, yet I never choose to be with anyone else, I choose to be alone.

Tuesday morning at 4am I sit alone on my bed and stare at a pack of razors i'd bought earlier in the morning, a pack of razors that I used to keep nearby when I was seventeen, a pack of razors that made me feel something more than an emotional pain.

But now, the razors don't look as appealing as I wanted them to look. And I think maybe its because I don't want to hurt anymore, not physically or emotionally. I think it's that my body is telling me the numb is okay but my head is yearning for some blood to drip down my wrist and curl over my finger tips before it stains the pristine white sheets.

I think I have a problem, but im not gonna do anything about it.

When I was younger, around sixteen i'd think I was overdramatic, and sometimes I still do.

I used to think I cared too much, that I was the one overthinking my life but as I grew I realized my life was shitty and it was okay to feel at pity with myself after everything.

That was only supposed to last a few days but it lasted a lifetime and here I was, staring at razors as I sat on my bed at 4am.

I looked up to the clock, a heavy feeling in my throat, my head, my heart.

It was 5am now.

===

The weather was thankfully not too cold when I got to my last class of the day, warm but not too warm so i'd taken off my jacket and put it in my bag, only holding my water bottle as I sipped on some of its contents.

Classes were the same as everyday either too boring, too long, fun, but fun in my way which was probably not fun to others but painting was my favorite class of the day which was a good sign, having something be the favorite part of my day meant it was going fine.

And here I was now, off to sculpting after a week of avoidance.

In the morning when i'd gotten out of bed to shower i'd opened my phone and saw an email from my professor asking to see me.

I knew what she wanted to discuss, but I wasn't going to my class for her, I was going to class for myself, to get my work done and mostly to stop putting of the inevitable.

Last night after I went to the coffee shop with Karsen i'd half come to terms with the fact that I had to work with him for this project, I say half come to terms because some part of me still wanted to work alone.

And today that part would talk to the professor about it.

I closed my bottle and opened the door, looking to see some people in their seats already but most not, the professor wasn't even here so it didn't matter, I wasn't late nor was I early.

I walked down to my row to the far left of the room before I sat down at it, putting my bag on my lap, taking my water bottle and popping it into my bag before I took out my stuff, the notebook with some of my ideas in it, a pen if need be, which probably will be needed, and my phones with the earphones already plugged into it.

I'd listened to music whilst drawing mindlessly on the paper as I waited for class to start, that is until someone popped one of my earphones out my ear and I looked to the person as they settled down on the seat beside me.

The only problem slash not problem is that the seat was not taken by some random, instead, it was taken by a very buoyant looking Karsen.

He smiled at me and I blinked back.

"You're actually here."

Of course im here. Why'd he have to say that aloud?

I nodded, looking around for his two friends and the ones girlfriend that were thankfully not here too.

Thank fuck.

I looked back down, snatching the one earphone from his hand as he took his own stuff out, everything of his dark being either cobalt blue or white and my eyes almost rolled at the boyishness, except that instead of an eye roll, he earned a twitch of my lips.

I looked away and thats just when the professor came in, looking around the entire place as if she was scanning for someone specific. I did think it was me and not out of some special interest she had in me, but instead because the class wasn't far too many people to handle, she knew us by name and even spoke to us before, she'd definitely remember sending an email to me about not being in class, which was why she was searching for me now

It was more like a high school class in terms of the amount of people, just in a much more spacious sized room.

When her eyes finally landed on me she rose a brow in acknowledgment and I smiled in a snarky manner, something I wouldn't do with other professors but I was once closer to her, till she paired me up with pretty boy beside me.

She looked away with a small shake of her head and continued to start her teaching.

===

When the class was done i'd packed up, looking to Karsen who was packing up beside me too and I stopped.

For some reason, i'd stared.

He was wearing a white shirt and grey sweats and he looked- well, freshly showered, since his hair was damp. More curlier at the tips because of that and he yawned softly, running a hand through his hair just for it to fall back over his forehead into its previous position.

Did he wake up late and rushed to get here? I rose a brow at the thought. It was one class, that i'd missed for almost a week, and he rushed to wake up and get ready for it.

How cute.

He looked to me as if sensing my stare and I blinked.

"Do you want to meet up at the coffee shop tomorrow?" He hesitated between words, saying it a little slowly, like he wasn't sure if i'd lash out on him which was kinda amusing. If I did lash out on him he could just walk away so it wouldn't be a big deal anyway.

"At six?"

I shrugged, "Sure." I'd said, but in reality, I had other plans in mind, plans that included going down the stairs to the teacher who was sitting and working at her desk, plans that included me requesting to work alone, plans that would require us not to work together at all.

I'd meet up with him tomorrow, tell him what was said and leave to go back home and we'd be back to our normal situations with no inconvenient meetings between it.

He nodded, very oblivious to my thoughts but for good reason.

He put his bag over his broad shoulders as he stood ip to his full height, making me tilt my head back slightly.

He was lean and tall, not muscular in a burly way though which was normal for a man that was about twenty two, but you could tell Karsen was an athlete, definitely someone who worked out.

I could see by the way his biceps flex when he held on his bag strap when he adjusted it over his shoulder, the way the veins pulsed before it relaxed against his skin as he dropped his arm back down.

He has nice arms. Not huge, but damn well nice.

Was I staring at his arms? I think I was.

Oh good lord.

I turned around without so much as uttering a goodbye and walked down the stairs, wondering if professor would say yes to my request.

I really hoped she would.