The whole night I had been tossing and turning, I couldn't sleep right, couldn't sleep straight, everything was tossing through my mind and I felt that pinch of guilt seep through my heart.

I lied to him, told him everything was fine, when it wasn't when I was in pain in fear, he wanted to be there for me, but I couldn't risk it.

Nolan had crept out of bed early in the morning and so here I was sitting alone with my horrid thoughts.

I knew he had questions dating back to the start of our relationship to even further. Could he ever trust me again?

My mind was racing around the thought of him never being able to trust me again, to thinking that our whole relationship was a lie. He didn't deserve this, no one did.

Last night was new for him, he had every right to be angry. I hadn't told him what was happening I had left him out of something so big he chose to defend me, without even knowing what happened.

My legs felt cold and numb as I began to stretch my legs to face the thunder that was of downstairs. I stretched my arms and prayed to whomever was above to count my stars.

The atmosphere was chilly as I made my way downstairs heading straight to his office. I opened the door feeling ready, ready to explain everything.

But all I found was no one, his desk was spotless with no note, just a frame that had been placed down facing the desk. The house was empty, no one was there except me and with a shitty note left on the barstool.

'Need some time to clear my head, I'll come back for dinner' the signature wrote in messy cursive and at the end was his signature like he was signing a check.

He needed time, he needed time to process what exactly. I had to find him, I had to call him.

I dialed my phone and waited for the third ring and the voicemail button beeped.

"Nolan, I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm so sorry just please come home so I can explain it all", I said and shut the phone off knowing I needed to find him, he was hurt.

My side limped furiously as I made my way to the bedroom, hugging the sheets that felt cold above me.

My head felt heavy as I slid on my pants and a t-shirt, my eye was still bruised as I stared into the mirror watching myself, critiquing myself wondering if I was good enough. He had every right to leave me, he had every right to be angry.

I dialed the office number hoping to hear Caroline's soothing voice.

"Hello", she said fiercely as I heard the smacking of gum, and her filing something, likely her fingers.

"Hello", she repeated as she kept smacking that horrid sound of gum.

"Oh uh, do you know where No-Mr. Clementé is?", I asked the lady who had the professional skills of a child.

"He's at lunch with a lady downstairs, would you like me to take a message", my heart shook fiercely and I knew I had to find him. I hung up the phone, he was leaving us, me, everything we had together.

I grabbed a set of keys and put on a large coat to hide the scars that reddened my skin. My eye was a new shade of purple and my heart was beating at the speed of space. I went down to the garage and unlocked a car.

I drove off towards his office building, in need of him to help, to explain what was passing and stuck in his mind. After anxiously circling the building 5 times I made my way into the parking garage. I stepped out of the sleek car and I stepped inside of the air conditioned and bright lobby.

I stepped into the elevator as the employees all huddled in and I stood to the corner, getting the occasional glances and stares. I finally made it to the floor I would face a fear. After seeing him last night, he promised me in the morning we would talk, he left me for someone else.

As I walked into the established cafe, my heart race picked up and my stomach flip-flopped every chance it had. I spotted him in the middle of the cafe, with his laptop working away and it relieved my heart he was alone, but just as I began to let that feeling of relief sink in, there she is Tiffany.

I let out a stunned gasp, and the room was so quiet that the whole cafe turned to see the shocked, purple-eyed girl, stuck in her place. I saw his eyes, I saw his expression and I watched as he stayed in his place, he chose, that's all I needed to know.

"How's the dad?", her voice strung along cold and strong lingering in my mind as the world blinked before my eyes. He stayed sitting there, still staring at the broken image of myself.

I turned around and ran towards the stairs, knowing the elevator never would work. My eyes spewed out as the stairs became blurry as I raced down them, his eyes, his expression stayed in my mind locked forever and there was no way to get rid of them.

After a flight of stairs, I heard the top floor door open and him scream my name. I didn't look back, it would only hurt him and me. I instead ran faster, and made it to the garage. I grabbed the keys I had and started the car leaving this memory for another moment.

I started the car and drove away leaving the building that made my head hurt, that made me feel horrible, I drove to the one place I knew always, no matter where I was.

I laid on her grave as I felt the warm feeling of the sun setting in the distance.

I asked her why he told her, why he knew how bad I despised her how bad we both did. Her voice said don't run, but that's all I wanted to do, start fresh, new.

I wanted that, and I needed that. A car approached my side and I saw his figure walking towards me. He was walking ever so fast, as I looked back up at the sun that slowly set on the horizon.

"Natalie", he said softly, as I starred into the suns red eye, feeling it scold my eyes, along with feeling the warm breeze that swayed above me.

"Can we talk?", he asked me and I felt obligated to say something but nothing came out. I wanted to say what we're you thinking or tell me it was a mistake, but deep down I knew it wasn't.

I got up, all of a sudden and started walking towards the car, my car. He followed me keeping close to me as he made sure not to step on the graves.

"I love you", he said as I stopped before getting into the car and I turned around to see him. He looked in fear, and worry, but I don't believe about me. He wanted me to say it back, earnestly.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow", I said before closing the door on him. He hit the car as I drove away and I didn't look back. I circled around the grave and he was gone, just like that.

I drove around until the sign that I needed gas started flickering and in that moment I decided I was going to the one place no one would ask me questions.

I parked the car in the front, and walked up the long gateway stairs, the elevator dinged as I stepped inside. The elevator ride was silent, just the way I like it.

I exited the elevator hoping I remembered which one was hers, I went to her door and knocked. I heard giggling lead up to the doorway as the door opened to Avery in a suit shirt and Tyler with a pair of shorts on. Her expression changed after she saw my to the side face and my purple eye.

"Can I come in?", both of them seemed shocked as Avery let me inside the apartment. Avery let me walk by as I heard her throw clothes at Tyler, I walked back to the area they were in as they stopped in my presence.

"I just need a room for the night is all, no one has to leave", I said as Avery knew it wasn't better and that I wanted to talk to her. Tyler made his way upstairs to the master bedroom as Avery guided me to the guest bedroom.

"You can stay as long as you need", she opened the door for me as I made my way inside the room. I grabbed the sheets and pulled them above as I wished for the better side of this to come now. The bed tilted as Avery got in the queen-sized bed and leaned against me.

"Listen I always thought that Nolan isn't capable of that, but if he did hit you, I will personally knock him around and lock him up for a long time", she comforted me but I had to tell her, the real truth.

"Nolan doesn't hit me", she sounded relieved but in the second half of that minute she realized that I said hit, meaning someone did.

"Listen I know I never ask and that's our thing but please tell me what's going on", she begged and I knew this was when I needed to tell her all that haunts my soul.

I told her everything, every moment that tore me apart, that burned me and the whole time she hugged me holding me dearly.

"Why is he not here with you?", she asked as she held me softly and rubbed my back in circular motions. I wish I knew the answer.

"I told him not to do anything, he said he felt powerless", she scoffed at the excuse and got up out of the bed and went to grab her phone.

"That's sick he should be with you", He had ran away from a promise he made to me and yet I felt I did the same.

"He told her, he told Tiffany, everything", Avery's eyes now bubbled with anger. He was a confusing person himself and even his sister couldn't figure out that strange mind of his.

"I think I'm just tired", I closed my eyes as she slept next to me, hugging me tightly. If I closed my eyes tight enough I would see the right person hugging me tightly. He had hurt me, but lying was never helpful in any situation.

The door rang about a trillion times as Avery got up and told me to stay there. Would I listen? No

The door rang about a million times before I swung it open and there he was disheveled and dripping. His eyes averted around me scanning the room for the jewel of his eye.

"Can I help you?", I asked him as he tried pushing his way through the door, and I blocked his body as he tried pushing through.

"Is Natalie here?", he asked as he scanned the room a second time and he saw something or someone who caught his eye. I turned around and saw her quickly disappear from the shadows.

"Listen you need to go", I spoke harshly as he backed away from the door. I repeated it yet again as he stayed in the same place until a voice came from the shadows.

She stepped out from the corner of the room and opened the door as he came into the room, I checked to see if she was okay and she nodded and I made my way to my room to go back to Tyler who was fast asleep.

The room was silent and filled of fear, the smell of whiskey prevailed all over his strange attire, and his body faced me as he studied my eyes aggressively.

"You left me", I spoke to break the connection that was even breaking me more than I was. He seemed spooked and afraid as I raised my voice.

"You said you wanted to talk, didn't you?", he gulped harshly as I saw his apple's adam go in and out and I couldn't stop the tension that grew as he stared at me, I was so mad yet overpowered by the lack of trust that filled the room.

"I did", he said shyly and I saw his hands tuck behind his back in a sight of despair. He began to speak and it almost seemed as if he was at a loss for words. His face stayed still as he starred into my eyes.

"I need you to talk to me, I need you to yell, I need you to throw things, I need you to show me how you feel", I spoke knowing us saying we were "fine" would never solve anything and as he moved closer to me, I got the sense that he didn't understand a word I had said.

"You're so fucking hot when you're angry", his hand went to my face as I swatted him away and backed away. His words drenched me in failure as I didn't want to repeat it.

"Just stop, be mad, be angry, do something but don't pretend like everything is okay", I yelled at the top of my lungs as he seemed taken back from my voice.

"You fucking left me, you left me when I needed you", a tear dropped down my face as I saw his expression now serious.

"I lied I get that, but it happened to me not you, it was my trauma not yours and so if you don't want to deal with it tell me, fucking tell me, then I'll go, but don't you dare act like I had a choice in this", the sound of my crying and screaming filled the air as all I felt was the pain of heartbreak.

"We're getting married", the words he could've said as he put himself first instead of us. He spoke of it as if he didn't care.

"I DONT CARE ABOUT A FUCKING WEDDING RIGHT NOW, don't you understand, how can we have a wedding if we're not even trying to make this work, so tell me is this too much for you, am I too much for you?", I asked him as he stood their and my stomach fell to the floor as I stood their feeling the rejection and the fear raining down on me. He took off to the front door as the sound of the door closing sent me down to my knees.

I pushed him away, I always did, but he didn't push closer, he didn't try. I wish he had tried. I sat on the couch feeling the worst strike above me. I needed to get away as fast as I could. I ran, when things got messy, I always did, but this time I was too much for him.

I ran to Avery's room, seeing as she was fast asleep, I woke her up by shaking her fast with a wide smile on my face. She woke up abruptly as she looked worried for me.

"You have the week off right?", I asked her, as she yawned while nodding with her eyes closed.

"Let's go on a vacation, come on a roadtrip, I have a car downstairs, let's go", I woke her up even more as she looked at me like I was crazy and from all this I was. She got up out of bed and started parking a bag. She didn't say a word as I went to go grab the things I had brought with me. The smell of him lingered on the clothes I had worn last night.

"Ready?", Avery asked as I saw Tyler standing behind her. He wrapped his arms around her as I realized how selfish I was being.

"I think I'm gonna go on my own, you stay behind", I told Avery as she said goodbye to Tyler.

"I'm not letting you go on an adventure by yourself", she said as she kissed him goodbye and he wrapped his arms around her as I remembered feeling Nolan's warm breathe against my bare neck and his hands slowly disappear under my skirt.

"Be safe, Natalie", he said as he hugged me. I had to ask him, I had to ask him for this one favor that I know would make me feel better about this.

"Check up on him for me, okay?", I whispered into his ear as he agreed. Avery dragged me out the doorsteps as she took me down the stairs saying we needed the exercise. She grabbed the jeep and stuffed our bags in the back, letting us leave in peace.

She blasted the music as she tried to get me distracted, but every moment a car drove by I would check the driver, to see if it was him.

We escaped the soaring city as I wondered just what he was doing, yet he had hurt me too much.

"So where's our destination?", Avery asked as we drove by the beach and I remembered the night he asked me to marry him, it felt like a couple days ago, but in reality it was months. Could we last if he didn't want to deal with my baggage?

"Here", I spoke as she pulled over to the side.

I ran to feel the sand fall between my toes as I smelt the sandy air. Hours passed by as we played in the sand and the waves that crashed and crashed.

She sat down as I did too next to each other as we watched the sun rise.

"He doesn't love me enough to be there for me", I spoke hushed as I leaned against her shoulder, feeling the sun streak against me as she ran her fingers up and down my back.