IS IT HATE OR LOVE ~ CHAPTER 28

Recap: Jalal called one of the Hindu maids and asked her about "Karva choth." She explained in detail, "Karva Chauth is a one-day festival when all devoted Hindu wives carry out auspicious rituals for the well-being of their husband. They fast the whole day without eating food or water to show their devotion towards their husbands to ensure their husbands' long life. They dress like a bride with fine jewellery and expensive clothes and break their fast after seeing the moon and their husbands' faces. The last ritual is husbands feed their wife." Jalal smiled decently.

Rukaiya was fuming in fierce anger. Jalal's words were continuously ringing in her ears. Going against her decision, Jalal unknowingly stepped at her ego, which was unbearable for her. She was feeling like killing everyone around. She picked the stuff around her and started throwing them on the floor harshly. Her eyes turned fiery red with wet heated tears. Her hatred for Jodha was increasing with each passing second. In annoyance, she said, "That bloody sly witch again clutched him in her spell."

Maham entered Rukaiya's chamber when she was ferociously throwing the stuff here and there. BOOM... BOOM... Maham could sense the tornado rising inside her. In her anger, unknowingly, Rukaiya threw a glass flower vase on Maham's head. Maham got seriously injured. She screamed aloud in pain, "Aahhh...ohhh... Are you out of your mind??? Have you gone crazy?? What the heck are you doing??"

When Rukaiya saw blood flooding out from Maham's forehead, at first, she got shocked. Her anger turned into sudden fear, and soon she calmed down and flooded out with frustrating tears and loud sobs. She screamed, "Yep, Call me crazy and stupid because I have gone mad; I will not spare that bloody witch. Again, Jalal is mesmerized by her charms. She has snatched Jalal once again and changed him completely. I will kill her.

Maham, with an evil smirk, asked Rukaiya, What did you say??? Kill that witch!!! That's perfect; whom are you waiting for then? Strike the iron when it is hot. Once we get a chance, we will kill her.

Listening to Maham's reaction, Rukaiya was utterly shocked. She said in a fumbling tone, "No, no badi ammi. I didn't mean what I said; I can't do that sin, Yes, I accept that I hate her, but I cannot kill her; I am not that cruel.

Maham, with a witty evil gaze, replied, "Yes, Begum Rukaiya, you are right; how can you kill that Rajvanshi begum. You can't do anything other than crying for your destiny. I always thought of you as one of the powerful women of this Sultanat, who dares to make her destiny, but unfortunately, you proved me wrong. You can only cry for your worthless future. I wonder how the Begum-e-Khaas Rukaiya Sultan kneeled in front of that ordinary Rajvanshi Begum; I feel pity for you, but that Rajvanshi Begum has defeated you."

Rukaiya couldn't engulf those bitter words of Maham Anga. Maham's words acted like acid on her wounds. In her furious tone, she roared loud. Don't you forget that you are talking to Begum-e-Khaas of this Sultanat; you are nothing more but just a maid. I am not someone who cries for her destiny. I am someone who makes others shed tears, then she wiped her tears and replied further with a malevolence tone- "I'll write my destiny on my own."

While Jalal was getting ready for the day, a maid informed him that his breakfast is prepared and served on the table. He was starving. He was habitual of eating something every two hours and many times in a day. He walked into the dining hall; the wonderful aroma of the food was making him hungry even more. All his favourite dishes were placed in front of him, but without eating, he walked out. He said to himself- 'When Jodha can eat Khichdi every day just because I was eating that, then I will keep the fast too. I will also not eat until she eats." and ordered dasi- "Take this food back and don't bring any food for me today unless requested."

Within a minute, he heard the announcement of the arrival of Malika-e-Hindustan Jodha Begum. Jalal ordered the dasi to hurry up and wind up the food quickly before the arrival of Malika-e-Hindustan.

But before the maid could wind up the food, Jodha entered inside the chamber and respectfully greeted him. She saw the maid winding up the food and immediately asked her- "What's the matter? Why are you taking away the food?"

The maid was hesitant. Before she could say anything, Jalal interrupted in between and said- "Jodha, I am not allowed to eat this food. I can't eat this as per hakim and Malika-e-Hindustan's order." He gazed at Jodha with an amusing smirk.

Jodha pleasantly smiled and replied- "Shahenshah, now you can eat anything you want. Your wounds are fully recovered now, so I instructed the maid to bring your favourite breakfast." The maid bowed her head in acceptance.

Jodha told the maid to serve the food for him. Jalal knew Jodha must be fasting too, so she won't eat anything. Jalal slyly ordered the maid- "Serve food for Jodha Begum and me both."

"Shahenshah, I am not hungry at this time. I will eat later." Jodha nervously replied while stealing a glance at him.

'Hmmm, so now you have even started lying to me, Jodha Begum! But you know what, you need training for it, he thought to himself and smirked seeing her trembling fidgeting face. Then he said, "Jodha Begum, somehow, I am also not feeling hungry. I will eat later after my sword practice and exercise." he told her in an impassive but confident tone.

While looking at Jalal, Jodha thought.' What has happened to him? He can't stay hungry for even a minute, then why is he reacting in this way???' she thought confusingly. "Ohhh god, I wanted him to eat first, then tell him that I won't be staying with him any longer." she murmured to herself.

Jalal could sense she was lost somewhere. He called out her name- "Jodha..." but his voice didn't reach her. He called her again, but a bit louder. This time Jodha came back to her senses and replied clumsily- "Ji... Ji Shahenshah..."

Jalal asked her- "Where are you lost, Jodha??? What are you thinking about so deeply???"

Jodha was quite nervous. She was in a dilemma, how to tell him their paths are parting-'Now he is cured, so would it be right to say to him about it.' she thought.

Somehow she managed to collect her strength, and in a very calm and passive tone, she said- "Shahenshah, I would like to discuss something."

Jalal could read her confusion in her eyes. Her trembling sound gave him a hint of what she wanted to say. His heart sank, and his face turned pale. He looked at her vulnerably and permitted her to speak by giving his eye expressions.

Jodha couldn't look straight in his eyes; with lowered eyes, she said in a low tone, "Shahenshah..." she paused to scramble words in her mind. "Shahenshah, I..." after a brief pause, she continued with the cold tone, "Ammi Jaan wanted me to take care of you until you get well completely. You have fully recovered, so I want to devote me to Kanha's worship again with your permission. Devotion is the only way I can get peace."

Jodha's words worked like a thundershock on Jalal. He went completely numb. He was staring at her pointlessly. There was silence between the two for a long. He knew he had hurt her a lot. Many times he had insulted her in front of many royal administrators, other begums, and officers. But this time, he had crossed all his limits. He was feeling like his entire world shattered in just a few minutes. Jodha knew her words gave him a deep sting inside. It was even more difficult for her to see him in this sorrowful state. But she was juggling between her heart and mind. Although her heart already forgave him, her mind was not allowing her to trust him again.

When Jalal didn't respond for some time, in a sombre and dim tone, she said- "Shahenshah, it's time for my Kanha's prayer... Please allow me to leave."

Jalal had no strength left to say a word. He nodded his head slowly, and Jodha gazed at him as if it was the final goodbye and left his chamber.

As soon as she walked out, the feeling of loneliness captured him swiftly. After spending days with her, it was difficult for him to stay away from her even for a while. Just a few days ago, he realized his failure towards his awam, his harsh and stubborn attitude had punished many innocent people, and when he wanted to rectify his mistakes, she left him alone. He suddenly felt isolated without her. Thinking she won't be with him anymore, he was feeling more desolated. Again his mind got filled with her thoughts, and his eyes filled with her grief. His heart died inside when he reminisced her eyes full of sorrow but immense love for him. They both tried to act normal in the last six days, but both knew things were not usual between them. They both enjoyed each other's nearness, but there was a feeling of big stones on their heart. He knew he had hurt her to the extreme, but yet he had hoped she would forgive him. He knew she was in pain, but he didn't realize the agony's intensity that she had gone through.

He hid his pain in front of her all this time so that she doesn't get sad. They both were feeling immense pain and love for each other. Jalal tried comforting her with his teases and pranks and acted as if everything was normal, but their eyes revealed their hidden pain without saying any word. Jalal was longing to see sparks in her sorrowful eyes. But stillness in her eyes was still clearly visible. When she walked out, he realized she would never forgive him. He never felt this much vulnerable and helpless. His eyes were filled with tears, and he said to himself- 'Why can't you forgive me once? I know I don't deserve your goodness, Jodhaa, I don't deserve you. I wish I could bring back your smile and happiness.' He wiped his tears, and fake smiled at himself. His inner voice came out with enormous grief.

AAJ KAL. aansuon ke aane ki aahat nahi hoti, dil ke tootne ki aawaz nahi hoti;

JI RAHE HAI HAR PAL MAR MAR KE

hota agar khuda ko dard ka ehsaas, to use dard dene ki aadat nahi hoti.

After some time, Jalal came back to his senses. Keeping aside all the hurtful and gloomy thoughts, he went about his daily routine. It was already too late for his exercise and sword practice.

Reva excitedly ran into Jodha's chamber, where Jodha had just finished Krishna's prayer. Seeing Reva so happy and cheerful, she asked her with a smile- "What's the matter Reva??? You seem quite happy and excited Today."

Reva joyfully replied- "Jodha, you won't believe... Today something really very astonishing happened in this palace that has never happened before."

After finishing his daily exercise, Jalal wanted to see his Ammi Jaan Marium-Makhani. When he was injured, stained in blood from top to bottom, he realized his mother's unconditional love and worried for him for the first time. He wanted to talk to her and get her motherly peace. While going towards her chamber, he heard Jodha and Reva conversing with each other about him. He stopped for a while.

With more curiosity, Jodha asked- "What happened suddenly?"

Reva further replied- "Today Savitri aunty and Ganga didi went to Begum Rukaiya to ask for a day off on account of Karva Chauth... But as usual, Rukaiya Begum denied and shouted on all the Hindu dasis; at that time, she was in Shahenshah's chamber. Shahenshah saw her ruthless behaviour and asked them to wait outside. After some time, he came out, and himself declared the holiday for all the Hindu dasis who want to celebrate Karva Chauth. Ganga didi was so happy that her tears came out in happiness. After marriage, it is her first Karva Chauth. For the first time in the history of Harem, Shahenshah himself decided for the Harem against Begum Rukaiya's will. Her face clearly showed how disappointed and angry she was; for his decision.

Jodha was so amazed to hear that. She was surprised by this change in Jalal. He never got involved in Harem, and its problem, and Today, against Rukaiya begum's wish, he allowed Hindu dasis to celebrate Karva Chauth. It was shocking for Jodha too. A big pleasant smile came on her face. She said to herself- 'You have begun your journey to win my heart..' and her eyes had cheerful happiness in them.

Seeing her cheerful face and the pleasant smile, he felt delighted. He stands there to listen to their further conversation.

Reva- "Jodha, aaj tumhara bhi pehla Karwa Chauth hai naa..." (Today is your first Karva Chauth as well. )

Jodha, with monotonous expression- "Yes, Reva, I am also observing the fast, but I don't want to tell for whom I am keeping this fast. I don't think it matters if they say to him about it or not. I wish he knew how important this day is for any Hindu woman. Since I was a child, I have seen my mother keeping this fast for my father. I also had so many expectations and desires for this day, But my destiny doesn't even know what Karva Chauth means to Hindu women. My desire and dreams will never be fulfilled." Suddenly her face turned so pale and gloomy.

Hearing her words, Jalal felt a deep sting inside.

Reva- "Jodha, please don't mind me asking, but are you still angry with Shahenshah?"

Jodha replied gloomily, "Actually Reva; if I speak the truth, then I even don't know... Whenever I see the enormous love for me and regret in his eyes, all my bitterness and hatred for him disappear, I know very well how much he loves me; his heart only beats for me; he loves me more than his life. But this time, my heart is brutally injured; I don't know whether I would ever be able to forgive him. His nearness gives me absolute peace, but at the same time, it suffocates me too. My love for him makes me weak internally, and My heart cannot see him in so much pain while my brain does not allow me to forgive him. Reva, now he is fine, so I would rather stay away from him."

"Stay away from me... How can you say that, Jodhaaa??? Your presence gives me life. Your smile is the reason for my happiness. How can you leave me like this? Jalal murmured to himself. I won't let you go away from me. I would get you back soon." he spoke to himself confidently.

Reva further said- "Jodha, I think you should forgive him... He has realized his mistake and is feeling guilty too."

Jodha responded angrily, "No, Reva; I cannot forgive him this time; when he is angry, he forgets everything... His anger takes over his wits. And this time, I don't even know what my fault was. Without any reason, he gave me such a harsh and hurtful punishment. He is my life, and I love him a lot. But this time, he has bruised my self-esteem, which I can never tolerate. He has insulted me in front of the entire court. I can not forgive him so easily." With a sob, she added, " Why am I so helpless in front of my heart?? Why his presence makes me forget everything?? Might be because I love him more than my self-respect. "My heart has forgiven him, I desire him, but I will never be able to trust him. Soon he will forget everything and will treat me the same. Once I expect, then it hurts more. My fear of betrayal will never let him come close to me. I don't think I will trust him again, but I feel like he is begging for forgiveness when I see his eye pleading guilt. It kills me; I don't want to see him, I don't want to see his painful eyes, Krishna, take me in your embrace again. I can't bear this pain any longer." she said, throbbing profoundly.

Reva also felt weak seeing her pain and love for Jalal. Her eyes also got filled with tears and sorrow. She hugged her and said, "Jodha, it's just impossible for me to understand your way of love." Reva prayed to God, oh God, please bless my Jodha with some peace.' and she left her chamber.

Jalal heard their entire conversation. He knew his cruel acts and behaviour had hurt her a lot, but he didn't know his words had impacted her so intensely. After hearing her grievances, his heart started crying profoundly. He had no strength left to face her again. His heart was throbbing inside while his mind was cursing him for his heartless behaviour.

Jodha was now all alone in her room and standing by jharokha(window). A cold breeze was blowing her hair. Slowly with her tears and aching heart, she started to sing a song. "hmhhhnmm...." in her melodious voice.

(Please read these lyrics. It shows Jodha's state of mind. Best sad song...)

dil ke armaan aansuon mein beh gaye

hum wafa karke bhi tanha reh gaye

dil ke armaan aansuon mein beh gaye

After hearing her peaceful melodious song, his heart unexpectedly skipped a beat, and his body shivered. He knew she had not forgiven him, but he had not seen her inner chaos yet. Every word of her song, little by little, was pouring acid on his heart. Her soothing melodious voice was giving big ache Today.

zindagi ek pyaas ban kar reh gai

pyaar ke kisse adhoore rah gaye

hum vafaa kar ke bhi tanaha rah gaye

dil ke aramaan aansuon men bah gaye

His eyes started sparkling with her tears, and every word was giving him a feeling of choke. His tears and voice were stuck inside his throat.

shaayad unka aakhri ho yeh sitam

har sitam, yeh soch kar hum seh gaye

hum wafa karke bhi tanha reh gaye

dil ke armaan ansuon mein bah gaye

As soon as he heard- "Aakhri ho yeh sitam..." his entire body got numbed. It was unbearable for him to hear more. But he couldn't move a step further. He felt some unseen power had tied his body.

khud ko bhi hum ne mita daala magar

faasle jo darmiyaan the rah gaye

hum wafa karke bhi tanha reh gaye

dil ke armaan aansuon mein beh gaye

Jalal finally lost all of his energy. He knuckled his knees down and sat there on the floor, looking at the sky with tears in his eyes. He could feel her unrevealed pain in her every single word. He lifted his eyes and hands towards the sky and prayed, "Oh God, please give her some peace. Give me all her sorrows and shower all my happiness on her. Please don't punish her for my sins.

Jodha was sobbing- "huhmm hmm hmm..." she cried out loud. After many days, discussion with Reva opened up her wounds again.

Slowly Jalal gathered himself back and walked back to his room. He was severely wounded inside and felt very depressed, so he decided to go by the lake to get some inner peace. Her sorrow completely shattered him into numerous pieces. He was unfortunate. He sat alone by the lake and started throwing stones in it. On top of it, he was fasting. He had never fasted in his life before.