Chapter 13

"YA KHUDA! An intense painful screech rumbled out deep down of his throat. "Oh, No, God! What have I done? I have slandered and humiliated my own love." he mumbled in an utterly broke down tone.

Abdul freezes seeing Jalal's condition. As soon as Jalal realized his unforgivable sin, wrongdoing, and cruelty, it looked like someone pulled the life out of him. He had never seen him this wrecked and shattered; he was not only shaken by his condition, but the word 'LOVE' from his mouth was shocking and unbelievable for him. Abdul knew that slowly he began to like Jodha begum, but he never thought he could love someone. He hated the word love. Abdul could see Jalal had utterly lost his mind in a tremor and unintentionally confessed his love in regret as much as he wanted to be there for Jalal and comfort him. He knew Jalal would never like to share his intense pain with anyone. There was nothing he could do to relieve his pain. He wanted to mention Queen Jodha's condition in Amer. Still, seeing his vulnerable condition, he decided it was not the right time to talk about it, so he left his chamber silently and instructed all guards and some administrator not to disturb him at any cost.

Jalal spent the entire rest of the day and a night in remorse. His heart curled up with extreme ache; he was awfully ashamed of himself, thinking about what he had done. Again, emptiness captured his soul. His intense guilt took away all of his energy; he sat on the divan (sofa) like a lifeless body. His repentance was eating him up at a quick pace. His own words hunted him with a cruel laugh. The word 'whore' echoed in his mind repeatedly. Her last gaze with hatred killed him inside. His vicious memories evoked, to make it worse, how he slapped her in front of everyone. How he dragged her by pulling her hair; how he kicked her mercilessly; he looked at his palm pointedly for a few seconds and hit both his fist on the wall brutally until it began to bleed. He loudly shouted and pulled his hair to release the suffocating pain, but there was nothing that could give him peace. The sad day turned into a gloomy night, but he did not turn on the candle lights in his chamber; he hid in darkness.

Guards were worried outside since the entire day Shahenshah didn't order food or not even water. As per Abdul's instruction, no one dared to get inside, but after hearing his violent, painful, angry yell, one of the guards ran into his chamber. Still, when he saw the devil condition of his chamber and his angry growl, without saying a single word, he swiftly turned back and walked out.

He sat in a corner in the dark chamber, thinking about what he had done in his anger. The entire night Jodha's last words echoed in his ears. 'You were right; you can never trust anyone.' He remembered her eyes, which had deep pain and love for him, which he could sense but didn't believe. His dead heart, which was newly born a few days ago, suddenly overwhelmed with many emotions and craved for her nearness and forgiveness. Now his heart intensely desired for her love.

One whole day and a night passed without any food or slept in intense repenting and suffocation. Finally, in the morning, he gathered all his strength and called Mariam Makhani Hamida banoo and Queen Rukaiya to his chamber. Many years later, he decided to call his own mother instead of his Badi Ammi, Maham Anga. His heart very well recognized that he needed his mother's shoulder to cry today. He was so glad that his mother at least stood by Jodha. Suddenly his locked heart doors unlocked for his mother.

Queen Rukaiya and Mother Hamida arrived at his chamber. It was almost afternoon and time for Diwan E Khaas. Jalal was sitting on the couch without taking a shower. None of the maids dares to put their feet in his chamber. Their eyes widen in shock when they saw the condition of his chamber, but when their eyes laid on Jalal. It gave a heavy shock wave seeing his eyes and face was swollen and puffy; his hand was filled with dry blood. His cheeks and nose turned red. He looked depressed and gloomy just in a day. Overall, it looked like he aged in a single day. When he heard a walking sound, he slowly looked at both of them with pleading guilty, as if he had committed the unforgivable crime. His constrained tears were almost ready to spill, but soon he gulped his tears and was left with moist eyes. Just in a day, he looked so pale that they felt he would die any minute. His face looked vulnerable and helpless, and his eyes were dreadful; it was aching for both of them to see him in this state.

With a panic expression, Hamida cautiously walked towards Jalal and instantly took him in motherly warmth with a strong cuddle without uttering a single word. After many years this was the first time Hamida banoo, his mother, felt that he needed her warmth and he will not be offended by her closeness. Jalal hugged her back with the same intensity. Her warmth gave him the needed comfort and the courage to express the truth.

Rukaiya and Hamida were so shocked to see his state they didn't utter a word.

Jalal and Hamida finally apart from their hug. While looking at them remorsefully, he said in a trembling sound, "That was Sujamal, Jodha's brother. She is innocent. I am the one who should be punished."

Queen Rukaiya's eyes got extended, hearing the words 'her brother'. Hamida's mouth dropped open in shock. Jalal failed to control his unwanted tears to spill out from his eyes. All three had tears in their eyes. Even Queen Rukaiya had tears seeing Jalal's visible guilt and pain. Hamida didn't know who she was crying for, Jalal or Jodha. He was completely devastated after admitting his crime. Queen Rukaiya and Hamida both didn't know what to say. How to react and how to comfort him? Hamida was angry and sad at Jalal simultaneously; she knew that's how he grew up. He was told and taught not to trust anyone, not even himself.

Finally, Rukaiya cautiously said, "Jalal, you should apologize for your mistake; What you did was an unforgivable sin. I don't know how queen Jodha will react to it, but you should thank God that you had granted her wishes and promises, which you kept it and as per her wish, you respected her parents when they came to Agra and let her go back to Amer. Otherwise, in your anger, I don't know what you would have done."

Jalal replied in a low tone with a sad expression, "No, Rukaiya, I can't... I cannot face her anymore. I will not be able to see in her eyes. I feel shivers, even at the thought of being in front of her. I have hurt her to the extreme. I have accused her of the divine character; she will never forgive me for this misconduct. I have ruined her life. I have no right even to be called her husband. She was right; I am a cruel monster."

Hamida shouted with a commanding tone while strongly holding both his shoulder, "Jalal, stop crying like a weak common man. I have never seen you this feeble and don't want to see you like this ever again. Never forget that you are a king of kings, and tears make you look helpless and weak. As a king, you do not have the luxury of having your personal life. Queen Rukaiya is right, be strong, face reality, and apologize to Queen Jodha for your crime, and that is your punishment. I want you to go face her, apologize to her, and bring her back to Agra." She said it all in a thick royal imposing voice while stiffening her body. Her sound was filled with power as from Mariam Makhani. She paused a little, mellowed her tone a little, and continued while looking in his eyes, "Jalal, I know very well to get her forgiveness is going to be more difficult than winning any war, but you are a Shahenshah, so act like one. Take responsibility for your actions. Probably you have no idea what problems she might be facing right now? The humiliation of a rejected woman by her husband is not a minor problem. It's about a month now; we have received three messages from Jodha's parents for you to take her back to Agra. Looks like she has not spoken to anyone yet. So go and get her back without wasting more time."

Hamida's words worked like magical energy on him. He realized she was right. He has to face reality; at least he needed to apologize for his grave mistake. He decided to leave for Amer immediately. Hamida and Rukiya felt relieved by his decision. They both knew that this was the only way Jalal will be able to forgive himself. Hamida blessed him, and Rukaiya looked at him with pain and a depressing gaze. She never liked Jodha but didn't hate her either. But obvious jealousy was always there. She closed her eyes and hoped that Jodha does not forgive him, and Jalal comes back alone with his ego hurt, so he finally move on from her.

Jalal called Agtah Sahib, his topmost administrators, told him to take charge in his absence and informed him that he would be Amer.

Agtah Sahib concernedly stated, "Shahenshah, you should not go without soldiers, your life can be in danger. As you know, many Rajvanshis are waiting for this moment."

Jalal confidently replied, "I know this can be very dangerous, but I have to go to Amer and apologize to queen Jodha for my disrespectful act and bring her back with dignity. I have no other option than going to Amer myself."

"I fully agree with your decision, your highness. No one else can bring her back. You crossed all the limits. I will pray that God gives her the strength to forgive you, but I want you to be prepared; there is a very slight chance that she will come back with you. Shahenshah, I am requesting you this for your security; please keep this journey underground. Please do not tell anyone about what trip you are going on, including all administrators and Maham Anga. Jalal agreed without any argument.

Abdul and Jalal started their Journey towards Amer with his small troop.

At last, Abdul got the chance to notify him about Jodha's state in Amer.

"Shahenshah, I need to discuss something very important."After a long pause in a dark tone, he stated, "About Queen Jodha."

Jalal abruptly pulled both of the rim of the harness to halt his horse, "Have you met Jodha?" He asked impatiently; his sound was much louder than he expected.

"No Shahenshah, After finding out the truth about Sujamal, I met with Motibai and requested her to see Queen Jodha, but she refused to meet with me." Abdul regretfully replied.

Jalaal's facial expressions changed to worried; he asked pointedly, "Why you didn't tell me before?"

"Forgive me, Shahenshah, but you were not in stat to hear further." Abdul clarified.

"As per Motibai. Queen Jodha has become very silent; she has forgotten to talk and smile. Also, she skips meals and hardly eats. She spends most of the time in her chamber or at the top of the palace's roof. She is acting normal with her family, but everyone knows something is not right; in the palace, no one knows what happened with her in Agra and why she has altered so much? But the major problem is that all of the Rajvanishi Kings are laughing at King Bharmal and indirectly taunting what happened by trusting on Mughals. The common population has begun to taunt indirectly to queen Jodha as a rejected woman by her husband, even in the palace people have started mocking on her face, she has begun to avoid going out of the palace." Finally, he said, "Motibai told me that she becomes very agitated if someone talks about Agra and especially about you... Her sorrow has turned into extreme anger."

After hearing her condition, Jalal again lost his courage. His face was clearly showing regret and guilt; quietly, he started his journey towards Amer. For three days, his mind only thought about the crime he had committed. He apologized uncountable times to God. He masked his tears during the daytime, but a few drops spilled out every night while sleeping. His heart never felt this much suffocation and pain.

It was a pleasant evening; Sun was setting down with his glory, and the moon started to play peek-a-boo with clouds. Cool gusty winds were making the surrounding very pleasant.

Every evening it was Jodha's routine to see the Sun disappear in the horizon with his orange blaze. It became her routine to sit alone at the palace's rooftop and think about Jalal till last hope of the ray would get lost in the moon. Even after this extreme disgraceful humiliation, her heart was still captured in his thought only. Feeling of emptiness and pain after watching the sunset was burning her heart, but soon calmness of the moon gave her harmony. No doubt she was angry at him, but even in anger, she remembered a few beautiful moments they spent together. But after recalling those beautiful moments she was feeling angry at herself for her weakness, even after all this, her heart was still desiring for him. she supposes to hate him; supposed to curse him but she couldn't. For her failure to hating him, she punishes herself by doing things that give her more pain.

Again and again, her mind questioned him, as if one day his sound would return with an answer, 'Why have you done this to me Shahenshah?? I had started liking you, probably in some corner of my heart begun to love you! Eventually, you have won. Not once, but again and again, you have successfully shattered my pride and dignity. You proved Rajvashi people are not trustworthy. How could you think that I can be with some other man? How disgusting? Have you never seen love in my eyes? Why didn't you trust me? Without even knowing the truth, you blamed me; you didn't give me one chance to prove my innocence, and when you gave me the opportunity, it was too late for me to tell the truth. You used such ruthless words for me that there was no meaning left to prove myself innocent. I had no desire left to live in Agra. You called me a whore; I will never be able to forgive you for that. I hate you. I hate you; she screamed in pain, hiding her face between her knees. She felt so vulnerable that she pleaded to Lord Krishna many times to bless her with peace and help stop thinking about him. But nothing helped because her love for him was much stronger than her hatred. Why can't I forget him? Hate him? Why does he mean so much to me?

Whatever my heart thinks, but Shahenshah, I will never forgive you at any cost. You have pointed at my character, my dignity. I will never see you again' this entire month, every day, these same thoughts roamed around in her mind, and tears became her best support.

Moti came running at the terrace and said excitedly, "Jodha, I have shocking news for you, Shahenshah... himself has come to Amer. He will reach the palace in a few minutes."

"What" She almost shouted with a confused gaze

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