"Thanks for dropping me off," I murmured.

Jackson gave me a quick glance before replying, "Of course."

"Your family seems... nice," I concluded finally.

"They're usually much nicer," He glanced at me again. I had no idea what he was thinking. I never knew what he was thinking. I couldn't read him anymore than I could a stranger. And that bothered me a lot.

"They were fine," I reassured him.

He clamped his lips together tightly but said nothing else. So I didn't even try. What was the point? Nothing I said ever helped. I couldn't even be honest with myself, much less with Jackson.

He parked in front of my apartment and I placed my hand on the handle, but before I could open the door, Jackson placed his hand on my knee. "Wait. I really need to apologize. I know you didn't get a warm welcome and you didn't deserve that. They mean well. They just don't always act on that impulse," He explained.

I stared at Jackson wondering what I could possibly say. I knew what I should say to improve this relationship. It's fine, Jackson. I'm sure they'll learn to love me. But the truth was that I was tired of having to pretend I was less Mabel-y than I was. It was exhausting to always have to second guess a natural impulse. So I looked at him and said, "You're right. They weren't very nice to me. But I don't care about that. I care about what you think of me."

What I wanted to ask him was if Jackson was also embarrassed by me. What if my lack of career ambition was not good enough for him? What if my outbursts weren't ever going to be understood by him? What if we weren't ever going to understand each other?

I had spent so much time wishing for this very moment. But now that I was here, I wasn't happy. And I wanted so badly to pinch myself out of feeling this way. This was someone that I seriously pined over for. And here he was. And he was kind and caring and a serious hunk. What was wrong with me?

I shook my head, opening my door. "Bye Jackson."

I walked to the lobby and towards my apartment feeling a strange confusion wash over me. I didn't know what I was doing.

I unlocked my door and collapsed onto my couch, smooshing my face into the pillow in frustration.

What did I need at the moment? That used to be Connie pep talks, but she was so distant lately.

Screw it. She couldn't hide from me forever. I always made sure of that. I pulled my phone out and dialled her number quickly.

"Hello?" Connie answered after the first ring.

"I feel like things have been off with us," I blurted.

"I know," She admitted. "But, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You're amazing and kind and thoughtful and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our friendship. You and Amanda come first for me, Mabel. I'm sorry."

"Sometimes I wish I had everything figured out like you do, Connie," I groaned in dissatisfaction.

She snorted and gave me a sigh of frustration. "Oh, Mabel."

"What?" I laughed.

"I don't have anything figured out. You're stuck in this world thinking that everyone is confident and sure of themselves and knows what they're doing constantly. It's usually never the case."

"Well, at least Amanda's got it all figured out," I reasoned.

Connie grunted, "What makes you think that? Because she struggles with the way she was brought up everyday. Everyday that you tell her that you love her, it's impossible for her to believe it because she never heard it from her parents. She's desperately searching for something she never had. And I'm even more messed up. We all have our crosses to bear."

I was silent because I never looked at Amanda that way. She was always just so sure of herself. I always wished I had that confidence.

But it was more than that. Amanda had told me these issues herself. I just chose to see Amanda through my insecurities rather than through hers.

"I love your positivity, Mabel. It's one of my favourite parts about having you as a friend. The bright side of things never seems too far away," Connie reasoned. "But sometimes, you have a really distorted view of people. Mabel, I- I," She stuttered, "I have to go, but can we meet up before you go back home to see your parents?"

"I'd love that," I replied. I missed Connie. And if what she had needed was a couple weeks to get her head straight, I could give her that.

"Love you," She chimed happily.

"Love you!" I exclaimed before hanging up.

I scampered to my room and washed the makeup off my face. I threw on a tattered shirt that was three times too big and a pair of sweatpants that couldn't qualify as sweatpants anymore due to the amount of lint that covered them, but after what I was wearing to go out with Jackson, this felt comforting. This felt like me. I crossed my legs on my bed and began to French braid my hair just as a knock sounded at the door.

"Come in!" I shouted assuming it was Marcus. I walked with one hand in my hair towards my door but as the doorknob jiggled and opened, Jackson's familiar face popped in instead. The rest of his body followed suit. Obviously.

I just stood there, in my tattered clothing and makeup-less face like some kind of freak. My hair was half French-braided, half frizzy and sticking up in directions. There I was, staring at a living embodiment of a Ken doll.

"Mabel?" Jackson asked, closing the door behind him and taking a few steps towards me with a puzzled expression. "Are you okay?"

Yes. I just don't have makeup on. "Oh totally! I think I might have a cold or you know, another non-contagious illness. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure." I discreetly tried to brush my half braided hair down and smooth my shirt. "What uh- what are you doing here?"

"Sorry, I saw your name on the lobby list and just made a run for it," He stated. "I just wanted to ask you- how do you envision your future?" Jackson asked suddenly, his blue eyes fixated on me as though my answer would solve world hunger.

I let out a small laugh, "I don't know. I guess finish school and find something I really want to do and do it well." He turned his gaze away as though my answer disappointed him and I started to panic. What did he want me to say? "What about you?"

His eyes found mine again, "Honestly? I hate football. I hate my family's pomp. I want to be a teacher but they don't agree with that. I want a family. I want someone now who I can grow with. I don't want a dumb fling." His voice rose and rose with passion as he spoke.

Next door, I heard Marcus's door open and shut abruptly.

"You want a family," I stated in monotone.

"Well, not now. I just don't want to waste my time on something that isn't going anywhere. I know what I want, Mabel," He explained, shoving his hands into his pockets.

I stared at him with absolutely no words coming to mind. I knew nothing about Jackson I realized. I didn't even know what he wanted to do. And then another memory popped into my brain. We all do embarrassing things when we're drunk. "That day that I told you I loved you, why did you think I was drunk?"

He gave me a confused glance before replying, "Connie told me."

My jaw literally fell open. "Connie told you? H-how. W-when. What?!"

"Well I guess she kept her promise," He smiled slightly. "I've been doing my internship at the same place she is, but I asked her not to say anything. She's been telling me how amazing you are and how lucky I'd be if I could land a girl like you. She's right, Mabel."

It felt wrong. It all felt wrong. I felt wrong when I was with him. And then I realized that I did the exact same thing to Jackson that I did with Amanda. I imagined them without flaws and I made myself seem small in comparison. I wasn't small. I was strong. And I finally knew what I wanted. Or at least didn't, in this case. "Jackson, do you think we have anything in common?"

He shook his head, "Honestly? No. But opposites attract, right?"

"I don't want a family. At least not right away. I'm not even thinking of that. I don't know if I want kids or when I want them or if I'm ever going to be grown up enough to have them. I don't have anything sorted out."

"What are you saying?" He asked.

"I don't know!" I laughed maniacally. "I spent so long wishing for this! I dedicated time to planning our wedding and I don't even know if I want to get married! I imagined our future house. I didn't know that I wasn't sure what I wanted but I know this isn't it, Jackson. For either of us."

"I didn't think you knew I existed," He scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

"I know!" I exclaimed. "Trust me, I know. This is me, Jackson," I gestured to my clothes. "I'm not put together. I'm not calm and logical and I certainly don't know where I'm going in life. I just don't think this is right and it's taken me way too long to realize that."

I could see what looked like relief fill Jackson's face. "Why didn't you tell me any of this?" I asked him. He knew, just as I did that we weren't right for each other. I know he did.

He shrugged, "Connie told me how much of a dream you were and I guess I wanted to believe in that dream."

I stared at Jackson finally finding what little common ground we had. "I guess we know what we have in common then. We both only see flaws in ourselves. Maybe you should think about what you want. Not what your coach wants or your friends or your family. Because making them happy isn't going to make you happy."

Only one thought currently occupied my mind like an invasion and that was Connie.

>>

I know this took absolutely forever to post but I just struggled so much with writing this. I always knew where I was going with this story but I just want to make sure I get it right.

Anyway, please forgive me! I'll try for quicker updates but I have a lot going on and I'm doing the best I can without posting shit chapters that you'll all hate. Thank you for anyone reading ❤️