the hatred that nuzzled deep in his heart felt like a parasite that sucked on his life and made him weak,

and whats worse is that, that particular hate was planted for himself.

jungkook looked at the reflection in his mirror, of the long untameable strands of hair cascading till his shoulders, the wrap of bandages suffocating his chest, the scars them too many to even count maring all across his skin.

he is ashamed.

even if there is no one to hide from here now, he is still ashamed.

the hair sticked to his face when he awkwardly washed his face with one hand and he likes that they now cover his eyes.

he hated his eyes, then and now; they were always expessive- be it sorrow or emptiness.

the alpha winced as he changed his bandages on his own. the scar of the surgery on the side of his ribs were red and yellow from the stitches.

jungkook repulsed to even look at it.

his arms cramped when he tried to bandage it back, worse was the sting on the wounds.

jungkook doesn't think even if he wanted he could cry out loud, just silent tears as everything ached like a burning wild fire.

as he finished wrapping the cloth, he was drenched in sweat because of exhaustion.

then he retreated back to bed, the clouds outside the sky loomed dark ready to burst any minute like his soul itself.

in a way jungkook envied those dark clouds, for jungkook too wished he could cry out the darkness of his heart like the clouds do and turn back into a beautiful clear sky.

he so wished to erase everything that ever happened in his life.

the self hatred eating him away was nothing new; there was a reason why jungkook used to find solace in alcohol or drugs at the end of each day.

but right now, there were no kills, no need to fear to close his eyes, but still the past came to him with claws so deep jungkook wakes up heaving for breath multiple times throughout the night.

sometimes, nightmares were in the form of him fighting a lost battle, or all the people he love getting burned away in the flame he ignited,

but today he was just a young jungkook getting chased by fears unknown, of abandonment and loneliness, leaving him bloodied, bruised and gasping for help.

even after consciousness filtered his sleep, jungkook couldn't breathe.

he dug his nails on the bandages and wished for pain, any feeling to ground him to the present, while desperately trying to fill his burning lungs.

the first breath burned his insides like lava making his eyes sting and whimper into the eerie quietness of the room,

and now with the new found consciousness even if his head is spinning, jungkook flinched back when a lightning striked outside and a thunder roared.

the alphas hands shook, dread again pooled in his stomach as his staggering steps took him out of the bed, a wet breath leaving him as he leveled himself up with one arm on the wall and desperately tried to get out the room.

his heart was beating like crazy, his vision swimmed, still he reached the nursery and collapsed on his kness on the side of the crib, shaking bruised hands skimming over the pups as wide eyes made sure they're okay.

after that jungkook didn't leave as clouds cried out their sadness because he want to be there if the pups wake up scared.

because he didn't want them to end up being pathetic like him?

like the little jungkook who shivered under the bed when it stormed outside, alone, scared and vulnerable, hoping someone would come to cuddle or console him.

no one did for him, but he'll be there for his babies.

he stays numb on the cold floor, body aching until the first rays of sun filtered through the room. then he retreated to his room and passed out on the bed for two hours.

waking up was as horrible as going to sleep, his whole body ached, his eyes hurt and he was exhausted.

still it was nothing challenging for him to present himself as strong and unbothered, as he got out of his room freshened up just in time to see taehyung cooking breakfast.

and then he feels like his heart isn't killing itself anymore; that the filth he is made up of can dream of a seedling of hope.

jungkook smiles as he goes to take the two cups from the cupboard- one cup of green tea for taehyung and another cup of coffee for himself.

as he sits there and eats a proper breakfast, taehyung usually comes out with the pups and places them inside the playpen where they get easily distracted by the hanging toys.

it is silent when they eat, and jungkook smiles with every bite as another giggle or squeal from the pups cut through the silence.

unlike other days, today they had plans for their grocery was nearly run out.

with the pups buckled on the twin car seats and taehyung in the drivers seat, jungkook too got in with his wallet and phone as the car started moving.

grocery shopping is a struggle itself with pushing the pups in their strollers, but its extra tiresome when every aunt and grandmas on the store wants to coo at your pups.

apart from the grocery, they bought baby products and of course every cute baby onesies taehyung sees, and after the long wait they hauled the bags into the car.

taehyung suggests taking a walk by the park and of course jungkook agrees.

thankfully it wasn't crowded considering the bad weather last night. so they walked around the wet grass with a pup on each ones arm, basking in the fresh air.

jungkook now understands that taehyungs attention span lasts as long as the pups themselves. one minute he is awing at a puppy and the next minute he is running for the swing.

seated securely with both the pups close to his chest, taehyung demanded to be swinged,

and jungkook obeyed, careful to go slow as he pushed the swing.

the giggles that pour out of the three felt like the first breath of reality after his nightmares,

and despite everything, he cant help but think how undeserving he is of this blessing,

of him with too much blood in his hand and curses of many, heart a rotten mass and blood tainted with poison;

why is he given a chance to experience this?

despite, he didn't forget his brave declarations of wooing taehyung,

and even if jungkook is as inexperienced as a toddler in the concept of love, he can make a nice gesture, like buying ice-cream (of course strawberry flavored) for taehyung as they bask in the sun that peak through the clouds.

as they walk back into the car, there is nothing but happy scents surrounding him, and jungkook cant help but take a lungful wishing he could just store it inside.

that day went by just like that, and as the night time he dreaded rolled in, jungkook fights sleep in his bed scared of the nightmares,

but his body betrays him and he's up gasping for air in mere hours.

even if there was no rain or thunder, he finds himself by the crib as usual, tired eyes watching his pups breathe peacefully, lulling them to sleep when they wake up as he fights sleep himself.

the next day when he wakes up, there was no breakfast for him.

taehyung has an interview in college today so as to get the clear pass to continue his studies here and he was stressing out over it.

before he leaves, jungkook says a 'good luck!' which the alpha is sure taehyung didn't even hear in his internal panic.

still, jungkook reminded him to drive safe as the car rolled out from their garage.

now closing the door, jungkook leaned on it raising an eyebrow at the pups looking at him wide eyed from the playpen,

"now, lets romance your eomma".

as the clueless duckling jungkook is, he had called up seokjin through namjoons phone asking for advice last day.

"hyung!!! you managed to make namjoon hyung fall for you, and hoseok and yoongi hyung even managed to romance that tiny gremlin. then why cant i?!"

"what can i say kook-ah-- my handsome face does wonders" seokjin dramatically sighs and jungkook grunts irritatedly.

"help your dongsaeng, hyung!!" jungkook had pleaded.

"remember eomma and appa, kook-ah? thats the only good love i know" seokjin had then said, honest.

jungkooks mood soured further at the mention of his parents, but it was a truth that they were madly in love with each other.

every time his dad fails to come home at night, their eomma used to work herself up worrying and as an apology for it, their dad would take her to dinner next day.

jungkook remembers how his mom used to adore those times.

but as for jungkook, they really cant go out on a date in his condition, and jungkook wouldn't even dare to attempt cooking even with both his hands working.

so like every sane person does he orders food.

but that was not it.

ever since taehyung told about this interview, the alpha was sure taehyung would get in without a doubt considering the spectacular grades the other had.

so, in their last trip outside, jungkook got a secret bag full of goodies.

thus, now in their living room strung a huge 'congratulations' banner of gold letters.

as the alpha sat on the floor blowing balloons, the pups watched in wonder as the balloon of all colors bounced around.

then one traitor of a balloon decided to burst startling the pups into a fit of cries and jungkook spend the next half an hour soothing them.

at the end, he got a strawberry cake sitting proudly on the table and jungkook wore a nice tshirt as taehyung could be home any minute now.

then he wrestled the pups into a nice overalls with little cartoon strawberries on them and got them settled back in the play pen.

just as the car rolled in, jungkook stood by the door, fixing his hair and trying to put up a less scary smile.

the door opened and jungkook screamed 'congratulations!!!!'.

taehyung there stood wide eyed and mouth gaped open before he promptly broke into tears.

jungkook nearly blacked out in panic, hurrying towards taehyung then standing helpless not knowing what to do?

"-'m sorry, taehyung. did i go overboard? did i scare you?!" jungkook was a fumbling mess.

the omega said something incoherent and jungkook could do nothing but pat the others back hoping to calm the omega.

"--i-i didn't get i-in-- i failed" taehyung then said, shoulder shaking as he wailed.

"th-they s-said-- there is something wrong with the d-documents--- so i cant--" taehyung sniffled, hiccuping.

"please dont cry. we'll find a solution, i promise" jungkook said just as the pups too start whimpering at not getting any attention from their eomma.

as the omega shuffled past him, jungkook discreetly tried to kick the balloons under the couch, but it was no use anyway for the banner still hung now looking so out of place.

taehyung crouched down, scenting his pups more to comfort himself, then cooing when he saw their adorable fits.

"did you two got adorable to surprise eomma?" taehyung says in a baby voice making the babies giggles.

tears now dry, taehyung looked around warily, suddenly noticing everything out of place.

he stood up, glaring at the banner as jungkook awkwardly stood scratching his head.

then taehyung saw the cake on the table with a similar 'congratulations' written on it in pink.

he eyed it cautiously then sniffed it.

"oh, strawberry!" he made a happy noise, then took the cake in his hand, before taking a large bite of it just like that.

jungkook standing in a corner observed taehyung as if he's going to explode any second.

but the omega just licked his fingers, said nothing and dissappeared onto his room, obviously still sad.

jungkooks shoulder slumped, defeated.

that night, jungkook dreamed of taehyung.

they were sitting in a field of rose flowers, taehyung in a pretty pink dress as the omega gazed lovingly at jungkook.

"why are you looking at me like that?" the alpha had asked the other with a smile.

the omega flutters his lashes before saying,

"dont you feel it jungkook? dont you feel the pain?"

the jungkook in the dream tilts his head confused.

but then, he follows taehyungs line of vision and looks down at himself.

there in the ground was blood, pools of it as if they're irrigating the rose garden.

jungkook suddenly winced, feeling an immense amount of pain, but taehyung still looked at him lovingly before his claws extended and pierced right through jungkooks heart.

"w-wake up--- wake up, jungkook. you're having a nightmare-- please wake up--"

jungkook heard a clear voice through his nightmare and suddenly he jolted awake gasping for breath as usual.

it took him a moment to gather reality as he fumbled and rubbed at his chest, scent of anxiety filled in the air.

then only he noticed that he fell asleep on the couch.

"jungkook! jungkook are you okay?" when his mind cleared only he heard taehyungs concerned voice,

but at the sight of the omega, jungkook flinched away.

it took many minutes for jungkook to calm down and he gratefully gulped the water taehyung gave him.

"you get nightmares often?" the omega cautiously asked and jungkook just hums, shoulders slumped.

"what was it about?"

"--of you killing me"

taehyung actually snorted.

"its not funny!" jungkook grumbled under his breath and taehyung mumbled a sorry.

when time passed and taehyung suggested jungkook to go to his bed, the alpha partially looked scared.

"what helps you sleep?" the omega enquires.

"the pups--- and your scent" jungkook mumbles, exhaustion wearing his voice down.

wordlessly, jungkook then goes towards the nursery.

he sat by the crib and watched his pups sleep peacefully, which itself was relaxing for him.

he only noticed taehyungs presence when the omega cleared his throat behind him.

jungkook blinked his droopy eyes and looked up.

taehyung fumbled from foot to foot before shoveling a bundle of cloth to the alphas face.

"--just because you were nice to me today" the omega murmured before stomping out of the room.

jungkook questioningly looked at the odd choice of clothes in his hands; it had taehyungs pillow case, a blanket from the pups play pen and a sweater.

it was practically a relaxing scent heaven.

almost melting in his seat, jungkook looked towards the way taehyung dissappeared.

nuzzling onto the bundle of clothes, he then smiled.

□□□

i'm having a shitty day. so i spend half of it writing :)