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dear caleb,

i'm not sure which will irritate you the most: that i actually read your notebook or i'm filling the last pages of it. i found it here in the class, you probably forgot it.

either way, i had the need to expressing and explaining myself to you.

first off, your words affected me -

i know you don't want this from me,

from a heartless person. but i swear i'm not, caleb. everything happens for a reason.

the day you have come to the class and mr. keery asked you to sit down with me, i secretly wanted it to be that way.

because you were so alone and a secret at school, i actually wanted to learn about you. you were a mystery to be solved and i wanted to learn the reason beneath your silence.

then, that day, i learnt you cannot see colors. isn't it too hard for you? oh, well, you wrote about that. i never asked you why, yes, but do you know? i wanted to - but i couldn't. i thought you'd like to be normal and i didn't want to add salt to your wound.

i don't usually smile if you noticed. because my life isn't that worthy to smile. not after what i learnt, caleb.

maybe my words aren't as effective as yours and i'm not even good at writing, i knew it was the only way we could communicate.

i watched you write most of the time. your face falling down sometimes, or your lips randomly smile. i admire you since then. i envied you. how you could keep calm even though your heart was a hurricane.

i loved you enough not to get you into trouble, caleb. i still love you. in this world, feelings are mutual and so was mine.

isn't it so ironic that you painted my life many colors that you don't even recognize? maybe it's the thing about you: you cannot see colors but your personality paints people's lives.

you cannot know how great it was to get a confession from the boy you love. from your point of view, i stormed out. true. but from mine, if i didn't run away, i may have hugged you and never let you go. i couldn't risk that, caleb. i couldn't risk embracing you with my life, my problems. you were so fragile, pure. i was afraid i would break you down, i still am.

nevertheless, i knew i already broke you because of what i've done all the time. by the way, you are right. i did them all on purpose. because i thought you'd move on. being temporarily down would be better than being permanent. i protected you, i tried, in my kind of way. maybe it didn't work out.

i dated finn of all people, caleb, because i knew you would hate me even more if i picked him. and my plan worked, didn't it?

although it wasn't a kind of date, i learnt that he had his problems with family and he tried to drain his anger on others, on you.

i have gotten mad, after knowing what he has done and made you suffer, i dumped him. it's your kind heart that you feel pity on him. all i've ever felt was anger. i am not regretful, you know. he deserved that.

then, you spotted us kissing in the rain, i also knew that. i knew you would follow. it was the last straw for me. i thought you'd give up. i thought you would hate me that much but those eyes. your brown eyes. or dark grey as you call them. when i meet them, my mind goes away. i try so hard to have it back, caleb. especially when you look at me with love or sadness.

i hate myself the most of those times. i wish i didn't have to do this. i wish i could just hug you forever and glue my lips on yours. but i can't. don't ask me why. it's so complicated, a long story. it defines who i am though. my life is in ruins, caleb.

i can't take you in when i try to get out. i can't let you fall when i try to stand up. i can't catch if you fall, don't you understand? that's why i'm doing this to you, to myself.

when i hugged you at that random moment, i knew it confused you. but everyone has a limit of coping. it was mine. i needed that hug. i needed to smell my favorite odor in the universe, needed to be close.

i build those walls for a reason, caleb. i can't let you in, let anyone in. i wish you could break and save me from what i am. from what i live. but you can't, no one can.

you said "even the devil carries a little of light." some don't.

i feel like i'm stuck in a tunnel and I can't see what it's leading me through, i cannot see the light at the end of the road. i don't even know if it has ever an end.

i want you to hate me, caleb. to bury me along with your feelings. forget me if you can. because i'll bring nothing but pain. my presence is the same with my absence.

and please, if you ever loved me once, don't look at me again. for your and my benefit. don't speak to me and don't even breathe the same air with me.

because i'll know. i will feel. promise me you won't do that fault. you are equal to sun, sometimes i can't look at you because my eyes don't let me.

you are deeper than oceans, i feel like i suffocate in you.

you are so clever, full of light, yet fragile and calm. i don't want to put out the fire in your eyes or steal yours will for life. you have yet te see, to learn, to love. don't waste it on me, love, don't do that.

i'm a butterfly.

i might fly and disappear soon. my days are numbered but yours aren't.

no matter what, i love you caleb. i love you and I will always. my eyes will only see you and my lungs will only be filled with your odor.

i'll love you as long as life allows me to. i'll love you even after.

life is as long as a deep breath and i am so lucky to have it filled with you.

your eyes to shine and your lips to smile,

my darling.

your colorless lover,

sadie.

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happy 2020!!