"So, Elias, what was Robin talking about earlier?" Sam asks idly, although there's a lingering curiosity in his voice. I grimace, my wish that this topic wouldn't come up was clearly not granted.

"What do you mean?" I ask, playing dumb but of course, he sees right through me.

"About you being sad and the phone call?" He murmurs, leaning against my door frame.

"It was really nothing, I just needed to vent to someone about it all." I explain but his face contorts.

"Why didn't you talk to me?" He asks and I laugh although it dies in my throat as I spot his expression.

"Come on, Sam. You know why. I wasn't going to risk our entire friendship over what might have been a crush. I just needed time to sort out my head." I say but his frown deepens.

"Feelings don't come from your head, Eli." He retorts.

"Yes, they do, they're essentially the result of neurochemicals in the brain." I state. Sam sighs, raking a hand through his hair.

"Look, we approach things like this differently. You're a very emotional, go-with-your-heart guy, I'm more logical, I have to think about stuff like this." I admit, rubbing my neck in embarrassment. Trust me, I don't want to be that guy, it's just who I am.

"Sometimes you have to go with your heart." He argues, looking almost offended. I hadn't meant it like that.

"I should have spoken to you about it, I know that now." I say, pleading with him but he shakes his head.

"What else are you keeping from me? First it was the pain, now it's what you're feeling. I need you to be emotionally available Eli and you never are. All of this stuff was stuff you should have told me because it includes me too!" He spits, getting more upset by the minute and he has a point. Everything I've ever done, I've done for him but maybe I didn't always make the right decision.

"I'm not keeping anything else from you! Don't you trust me?!" I ask, not really thinking that his answer will anything other than 'of course' but I don't hear anything. He just watches me with glassy eyes.

His silence is more revealing than words could ever be. I exhale shakily, slumping against my chair in defeat. My best friend doesn't trust me. His eyes lower slowly and he messily drags the back of his hand across his cheek as he turns to go. I don't stop him, knowing that space is what's needed right now, even though it's killing me to see him cry.

Sam cries all the time, but never because of me. It's a terrible feeling, knowing that he doesn't trust me, knowing that I've made him cry.

I take a deep breath and rest my head in my hands.

It's not the end of the world and certainly not the end of us. I'll just have to earn his trust again, the good old-fashioned way. I'll be entirely, utterly honest with him, I'll tell him more about me, about what I'm thinking and feeling and maybe he'll eventually be able to trust me again. Everything will be fine.

I just wish it didn't feel so terrible right now.

_

I go downstairs, sitting down in front of the piano and let my fingers wander aimlessly. Emotions are sometimes our greatest inspiration, the greatest artists sometimes producing their finest creations whilst in the darkest part of their lives.

My fingers find the saddest chords and my mind intertwines them in various ways until I find the one that feels right. I make notes as I work, writing down my progress as I go. It's a slow process and I get my own work wrong more than once, but eventually I'm playing fluidly.

It's a sad tune, despairingly melancholy but it's fitting.

The rest of the song just won't come to me so I leave it, stuffing the paper into another one of my music books and settle on something that I know by heart. I dip in and out of my own original songs, merging into some of my favourite classical pieces.

The music is so calming to me, it's like I'm at one with the universe or some crap.

I finally settle into Sam's piece, appropriately titled I feel. It makes me upset, thinking about how happy I'd been when I'd written this. It wasn't ever supposed to be played in a moment like this but I need something to cling to.

A shuffle behind me interrupts my thoughts and I stop abruptly, turning around to spot a worse-for-wear looking Sam. His eyes are red and puffy, his hair sticking up in every direction because his hands have nowhere else to roam. One side of his shirt is creased and his breaths are coming irregularly and shakily. He's a mess, but despite it all I've never been more in love with him.

I should not be able to have this effect on Sam. I can't bear the thought that I'm the cause but I am.

"Hey." I say softly, watching in despair as his eyes dart away from me.

"We should talk." He says, his voice cracking mid-sentence.

"Okay." I agree, standing up and following him to the sofas.

He sits in the furthest possible seat from me and I swallow harshly, looking at the space between us. This is not looking good. I'll grovel if I have to.

"So...I guess this is over then?" Sam states, his fingers fidgeting with the edge of his shirt. I feel as though someone has just punched all the air out of my body and I choke on the words in my throat. My chest is aching inexplicably and my eyes sting at the prospect of not having Sam in my life.

"Are you breaking up with me?" I utter.

"No, but we argued and I..." He trails off, glancing at me and I finally let the tears in my eyes overflow. I'm not ashamed, I don't have anything to hide from Sam anymore.

"You want me to do it?" I choke out, horrified at the thought. If Sam isn't strong enough to do it then I'll have to be, although I'm not entirely sure it won't kill me inside. Sam watches wide-eyed as tears continue to dribble down my face but I can't bring myself to care too much. His expression is appalled and I clumsily wipe them away with the back of my sleeve, irritated that he's making a big deal of this.

"No, I don't want you to. You're crying?" He asks, almost disbelieving.

I roll my eyes at him and take a breath to try and pull myself together.

"I haven't been in love with you for years, but believe it or not my feelings for you are just as real." I mutter bitterly. Sam looks taken aback and deep in thought.

"I've been wanting this for like, forever, it doesn't matter how long you've had feelings for me. I can't believe you have feelings for me at all." Sam admits and I sigh exasperatedly, tired of being portrayed as emotionless by my best friend.

"So why have you assumed it's over then?" I ask, absolutely bewildered by his logic.

"Because we argued." He says slowly. I crack a smile at his serious expression, not able to prevent my laughter. Sam frowns at me and I compose myself quickly, not willing to be drawn into another argument.

"We argue all the time. If that was a good reason to end a relationship then we would have stopped being friends a long time ago." I admit, watching his expression contort into confusion.

"Listen to me, I can't promise that we won't argue. I promise we will, but I also promise that I will always come back. I will always come back to you because we belong together. We'll talk and we'll work it out together." I explain, taking a moment to sweep his hair away from his eyes. He watches me carefully, taking in everything I say as though he can't quite believe I'm saying it.

"I have no intention of leaving you, of ever giving you up because I will always want more. I will never be satisfied with anything less than forever with you." I continue, holding his hands in mine and he nods slowly.

"If you want something else, something more, then all you'll ever have to do is tell me and I'll step aside, but not until I know it's what you want. I'll never keep anything from you, I'll tell you every thought in my head and feeling in my heart if it means that you'll trust me again. Do you see how this works?" I ask, smiling at him. His eyes light up at my 'heart' analogy but he remains quiet, just watching me in earnest.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" He whispers, watching me with shiny eyes but I can't quite agree with him. Not when I still feel so guilty. He looks down and holds my hands tightly, as though he's afraid to let go.

"I really am just...so fucking in love with you." He says, tears crawling down his face again and I smile, tugging him closer and tucking his head against my shoulder. My arms encase him, holding him against me as he curls into my lap.

I stroke his hair, rub circles against his back and eventually just settle with holding him, content to stay perfectly as I am for as long as he needs.

"I trust you, of course I trust you. I'd trust you with my life, I've trusted with you with every single secret I've ever had." Sam murmurs after an indefinitely long time, but he doesn't sound convinced.

"I know, but I want you to trust me with your heart, and you've never had to before." I reason and he sighs.

"It's okay, trust takes time. I'll earn it the right way." I promise and Sam nods, smiling against my neck.

"You're a good man, Elias." Sam says softly but I can't rid the image of him crying from my mind. Good men don't do that to the person they love and so my response slips out without my consent.

"Debatable."