I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

The way you walk, the way you talk, the way your eyes shine.

I can't seem to understand the way you bend your head to listen to every word I say

And the way things between us are never dull or grey.

I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

The way you listen, the way you react, the way your smile never dies.

I can't seem to explain the fullness that I feel.

Sometimes looking at you, it all seems so surreal.

I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

The way my heart races when I see you, the way I don't want to say goodbye.

I can't seem to fathom why you talk to me as much as you do,

But I love it, and I can honestly say I adore you, too.

Matthew

In the way, his hips swayed made me want to search a map of flesh continents. Find his native tongue between a bump or two, note where his heritage lay. Who came before him and if like Abraham I could make a father to many nations, nations that rested in crevice and cry. Blue and moonlight. Crimson and Cream.

we would dance.

Oh, we would dance until our feet couldn't move a step longer but why would that matter if my feet immobile or not lay inches from him. Sweat crawling down tongue tips and tied lips, when I couldn't tell where he ended and I started. Those were the days. My mother would compliment my glowing skin never knowing what lay beneath that hoodie, being fragments of his DNA that I wouldn't dare leave my sight as I looked in the mirror tracing him down my neck, chest, heart.

Peeling off layers to my core, disfiguring my our gasps within the others. Never telling how many words differed from moans, laughs, soft cries, tears. My break down broke barriers, walls yours and mine, broke them down and went against the current.

"Look up"

"The sunset," I look to him.

"Yes"

"You're my best view"

Snickers becoming giggles.

"I was trying to be romantic"

"Try again"

I smile to myself, knowing what I was to say next.

"Okay"

I got on one knee next to him on the swing set in the evening, he looked shocked and almost appalled. As I brought a case from my pocket he looked faint.

"James Letesha, will you do me the honour of becoming my one and only" I paused. His eyes wide hands almost shaking, I didn't know if that was good or not.

"Will you be my, boyfriend"

A breath escaped his lips, relief.

"I thought you were proposing,"

"I am, just not that type"

"Where's my ring"

I got off my knee and sat back onto the seat, "you ungrateful cow, I'm sweet and serenade you for free and all you want is jewellery"

"Am I not becoming James Robinson-Letesha to be"

"No"

He rolled his eyes, " what's in the box"

"So, I got you a necklace, from Amazon. I'm not a sugar daddy you know."

"This is why my mom said marry rich."

"You're 17"

"And you're mine," he snook closer to my a hand on a should the other reaching fort he box to snatch it from my grasp. I saw past his lies. But a kiss was a kiss. A fool was me and I was proud of such.

"Aha"

I rolled my eyes to the back of my head as though I didn't dare pray for his laugh. More than forgiveness, and resolution, just that he would smile.

He opened the box, looked with happy eyes tears brimming them.

"Matthew, I- thank you."

He gazed lovingly to the Katherine Pierce & Bonnie Bennet necklaces I bought him. He mentioned vampire diaries in passing those days, as though each word he said wouldn't latch to my heart. I knew he loved cringe in that way, so why not gift it to him.

"I can tell you got it from Amazon, but thank you for remembering my show. I'm not gonna put it on because it looks like it would break instantly. But thank you"

He smiled to me.

I smiled larger.

"I would do anything to make you happy, "

Words fell like silk and touched me in cashmere. Pearly whites scratching wide cheeks, sandpaper. Daffy Duck.

He reached his hand and let my face fall like silk upon velvet, crimson, into his touch. It tasted polyester under honey tongues.

How dare he pull me in with honey under his tongue yet when I fell under it I saw a reflection of us. Were his words honey-sweet or me a sucker that every word tasted banana milkshake to me?

Nose to nose heads with no brains hearts taking up their space. Space lost in his eyes and if that was Jupiter I saw in him could I put a ring on him make him my Saturn. I would give him Neptune and Poseidon, lay my body in waters.

"Matthew, I-"

Something pulled his tongue. Was it lust and sanity, insane enough to cooperate?

"You"

"I- kiss me"

He was going to say something else, I had (still have) hopes as to what I wanted to fall out his tongue a yard at a time and wrap me in it, that it would iron press me. Give me new to him, and make him stand in awe.

Why didn't he just say it, it's not like I didn't feel it. I loved him too.

But I'm a hypocrite. I wanted to taste his words yet I had ginger ale, and Guinness under my tongue. Nothing to string my hearts want lust with no sanity.

"I love you, James Robinson-Letesha to be"

But words were toe-tied and set to the side because shoes weren't made to walk a mile in my inhibition. I had already planted lost words up his roof, offspring moan.

I hadn't guts nor did he so we left our balls in a gutter.

We parted ways, in lips and strides, he went his way and me, mine. I put in music, looked in a mirror at home. I recognised what I saw barely.

It wasn't necessarily negative nor the opposite, head swayed to get a better look at the stranger whom I'd met before. Was it that I became whole or I replaced the lost part of me with him. Was either choice bad?

What my desire fleeting.

Would one day, my thoughts come clean of him?

Normal.

Nor-mal.

I rubbed sandpaper against his kiss, shot it where it lay. Scratched it until it was alight, fuel and ignition. You can't make fire without heat, fuel and oxygen.

Was I just in heat would it ignite then fall embers?

The crash and crushing of walls ricochet against my skin. Did it haunt me or taunt me, did I miss it, or it me. A wild beast roaming under the waistline, I let that control my thought sometimes. Let reason leave the backdoor, to see sprawled skin maps, not know where to lie whether north or south.

"So are you doing anything tomorrow, "

"Other than church no, why, "

"I want to be with you"

I felt his smile break across the line, was that a small squeal. Was it me or him?

"We saw each other yesterday"

"Okay, and"

"We can't do this every day"

I went quiet momentarily, "why not"

"You know why, " he paused to let my anger and discontent settle in my heaves "Someone could find out."

"I want them to"

And I truly did, wanted to sing love songs profess my love undying, couldn't be faulted by fear of the world nor sin nor sacrament nor withstanding guilt tearing me apart day by day.

"But we can't, you and I both know this."

He said as though speaking in hindsight or being the messenger I would shoot. Tear his wings open and apart midair.

"Well I'll see you, when I see you"

Soft breaths against cashmere, silk not velvet "okay, Pooh"

"Bye piglet"

'Taste me in crimson so that when we taste no more, when age will turn our buds sour and memories hazy, that I have hope to scour my letterbox and find you wrapped pristine silk, next to an image of June.'

Within your eyes, euphoric.

Say it again so that I can hear it within my liver as I lack gut.

He looked at me yet past such, he saw a sinner yet to be cleansed (what I imagine). I saw an image of God being praised yet not him call it it idol worship and Babylon, he was white as me if not more tasting blue iris and pure blond hairs, his skin pale as the snow call him Snow White. Why did I even go there.

Had it not been those restraints he would have not need collar nor ring for the work to know he was mine. I would've said it in Ivory and violet loud opera singing and a school newspaper we didn't have. Special printing on walls, tacky shirt, brash celebrations of the hour we made it official.

Insatiable bodies infatuated.

Green

The pastor pearled down at us smiling in print looking like a man you'd see any day at the store. Know he'd smile at you, hope he wasn't judging the tattoo on your back.

"Our judge loves us"

Four words, contained in a phrase no sub clause to draw attention elsewhere. No where for eyes to rest. Ears to ponder.

Does he love me,

I don't taste it, I don't feel it as I pick every inch of skin off me with tweezers. Through it away and wear one anew, one presentable.

"God doesn't judge us unfairly"

Was it not unfair for me to be made like this, hell if not at all. In this climate.

"No man is an island"

Yet I taste pastures untouched at my feet, if I am not an island why make me city. Tell me my sin will affect my loved ones.

"You don't look so bright"

He looked at my eyes though his lens and eyebrows.

"Nor do I feel it."

He smiled small, affection and pity. An ill combination.

"I'm gonna study when I get home but we can call later on."

"That's fine, I'll see you," I smiled eager to peck him goodbye but a wave would have to suffice.

Hair sleeked in two buns a dyed area at the forefront. She smiled with her hip high jeans and tight long sleeve, it showed the smilie she pieced herself.

"How are you" head tilted slightly as was accustomed to her she didn't look right. I couldn't put a finger on it.

"I'm good, what 'bout you."

"Stop it"

My eyebrows close, " Stop what"

"Playing with me, what's going on" she tilted her head properly this time to intimidate me, looked at me with dead eyes to show she was serious " I'm being deadass"

"Nothing, we're cool now. That's it," I hated lying to her, she was one of my closest friends " I promise"

"Okay, come to mine tonight."

I blinked.

"What about your mom"

"She'll be fine, she trust you, I can defend myself. Any other inquiries"

I felt bad to say no but she had other stuff in mind. A fool could work it out.

"Okay, I'll catch you in an hour or so"

She looks at my light having returned, her iris being able to turn like switch. "Okay see you then Matthew"

I signed a death warranty.