Matthew

I stepped out of the stall, red-eyed and dishevelled. Thinking about the harsh words I have said to the boy who I didn't dare admit the affection I had for.

After leaving the stall with my tail between my legs and my heart in the gutter, I searched for him. I searched until a bell shook me and the bodies of hundreds of teens pushed past me: the glances of them looking at me as though I were a crazy person just standing, therefore, no reason: the irritated hollers of "get out the way" until I was eventually backed in a wall staring blankly at the unfamiliar faces.

After semi-composing myself I walked with heavy feet toward the class, opening the door to see the faces of my classmates. And none other than Faye herself, donning an expressionless face. Soon turning it to face me for a couple of seconds, just to enough to intimidate but not enough to tell me how she felt.

So I sat silently, not uttering a hello or an I'm sorry. Until a concerned classmate turned to face me with a cute smile saying "Dude are you okay."

As though it were second nature by now, a smile came upon my face that still stung. As I spat out timeless lie " yeah, I'm fine."

After a gruelling hour, 1st period came to an end. This now meant I was faced with one of two decisions, I could either go to Faith before James or I could pretend this morning never happened and hope they would do the same. Luckily I had some common sense, however little, so I chose the first option.

So after catching site of her hair, I called for her, then once more to hear a "tsk" escape her lips. From the almost 13 years that I had known her a tsk had never meant anything good, more often than not being accompanied with an eye roll. By now filled with sheer regret and need I grabbed her arm and forced her to turn around.

"What," she said with a terrifying calmness, the one in which gave an eerie repugnance.

"I- uh," I continued stumbling over my words like a toddler having learnt their first set of words "I'm sorry."

She looked at me with an almost unreadable look, I could only pull out the most prominent emotion in it which was. Pity.

"I'm not the one you should be apologising to," she said with the nonchalance she wore when her emotions she felt became overwhelming " I hope you're not expecting an apology back. From either of us."

I nodded slowly and let go, as though attempting to preserve this moment in my mind. She looked up at me one time, in a demanding way, telling me 'don't be an idiot and fuck this up more"

Then she turned to put an earphone in her ear.

What I should do and what I could do were two completely different things. Though not quite opposite they were quite different, like blue and yellow or hot and tepid. They coexisted but awfully far away from the other.

Leaving me with little more than wishful thinking as I sat staring at a whiteboard learning about what Shakespeare meant by the addition of Egeus and if he was somehow looking down upon societal norms in A Midsummer night's dream.

Though it was boring I paid what attention I could, so as to not bring home a C on my report card. Then be looked upon with confused stares, and have the feeling as though I had committed some form of transgressions upon my hardworking parents. Almost like adultery.

Having finished another lesson and being lead into a short 15-minute break. I searched for him, scouring the hall for that familiar shade of blonde. The warmth that he bore managed to bounce off his locks.

I searched until I saw him at a locker with Faye and some guy who was most likely a junior. They smiled together. Faye with a slightly confused look and exaggerated hand movements, and James laughing with a wonky smile and some books slipping from his grip.

With the inside of my bottom cemented between a tooth and my tongue, I approached the group. She seemed to catch a glimpse of me as her smile fell slightly before motioning the guy beside her to follow her. Leaving a confused James by his lonesome.

"Uh hi," he turned around, anger and irritation filling his locks making them lose some of their shine.

"Hi."

"I just wanted to apologise for what I said earlier, it was really mean," I gulped down my pride and defences " I just lost myself in anger and I'm really sorry."

"Why are you apologising ?" his eyes had filled with a mix of anger, desire, pain, disgust, fear: everything "After all, who would dare be such a lowly person filled with lust and desire as to commit a homosexual act. If anything I ought to commend you for having the sheer willpower to go against their 'vile' claims."

"You're better than that, right. You are a good Christian boy who has never committed a transgression against his parents; You haven't dared commit a transgression to the eyes of heaven... So why apologise? " his eyes filled with salty droplets of sadness and a painful relief. At least he didn't fall so far that pain would fill his heart any more than it has since the ripe age of 12.

He sniffed, before giving me a weak smile, "I've gotta go."

Though I wanted to, and it would be so easy to I didn't grab his hand. So he soon became one of the unfamiliar bodies drifting to and from classes. The bell rung leading more people to join, I myself being one of them.

Moving in the hue until I reached my classroom to the somewhat familiar faces, the ones in which I had subconsciously memorised over the years. Seeing them talk amongst themselves and the few quiet ones with friends in other classes equipped with earphones blasting their favourite songs and a spot to stare blankly at.

Eventually, I caught the eye of that familiar aura of cocoa butter, Jamaican castor oil and unisex deodorant. Her curls twisted between a finger of hers, constantly being let go and put back; she bopped her head slightly whilst staring at the whiteboard; her other hand, using only her index finger tapped the desk in time with the music.

"Faye," she looked up at me with a blank look before taking out one ear.

"What."

"Are you still mad," I replied sounding like a needy toddler. She blinked animatedly, which wasn't anything unusual as being extra was a mannerism she used to cover the blankness she so often felt. After her mouth twitched slightly and she sniffed, to put my in some form of ease she replied with a short "No, why would I be?"

Of course, at the time I knew she was lying, but she wasn't as angry as earlier. The question as to why her reaction was so extreme, lingered at the back of my mind; she slapped with so much passion, as though I were showing disgust at her very being.

Some may say it was a sort of patriotic affection she bore for him. However, those closest to her knew very well that she seldom let emotions, especially negative take a hold over her.

She was taught that stoicism is the least problematic way to live life. Especially as a minority.

" So what did he say ?" her gaze intent on a happy answer, one in which I noted how he cared so little about my harsh comment that we could all hang out after school. Of course wasn't correct.

My eyes drifted down toward my shoes, " uhh I- he didn't accept it. Well, he did but not the way I wanted."

She kissed her teeth before curling her finger - ushering me to and embrace. So I compiled getting a short whiff of her familiar moisturiser. A mix of oils and her leave-in conditioner.

It smelt nice, almost motherly.