Matthew

I didn't pay attention, I couldn't. A sense of youthful bewilderment wondered my heart, my eyes.

There were times that he turned, most likely due to my harsh ogling surrounding him with an overbearing warmth. Each time he turned, in a momentary bashfulness I turned my head to the ground beneath, unsure as to whether the heat I felt was the pits of hell calling for me, just counting down the seconds until I was met with my demise ; or just the broken heating system within the church that no one cared to fix.

After service finished, I saw him walking toward me ; at the time it felt like more of run, sprint to confront me on my wrong doings. So i did what someone who barely had the guts to ask for extra sauce at McDonald's would do,

I ran.

Into the bathroom, of course. His eyes running with me with a confused disgust, or at least it felt like that, as though I made a racially insensitive joke. As though I acted with an immature stupidity in which nothing but the mental awareness of a six yr old was visible.

Though of course he was right, it still hurt. Realising the fault in your ways is the hardest thing one can do, it means you realise that you weren't as perfect as you wanted. And that the goal of unachievable perfection is so far out of reach, that you can't even see the reward. Rather just your endless chase for such.

As one would've expected he left, he didn't even take another stride in order to let me know that he cared. It hurt me more than it should've, especially considering the fact that I was the one who ran as though I was being chased by Freddy Krueger.

So I got out of the bathroom to see an irritated glint drown Faye's eyes.

"Who where you running from ?"

Her stance was solid on the door post, making me wonder how long she had been not so patiently waiting there. My face attempted a nonchalant stance, as though I was blissfully unaware.

"Don't give me that bullshit look," her eyes a weird shade of calm. Though she obviously was being her nosy self.

"Shhh," my hand resting upon my lip as I searched for anyone nearby " we're at church."

"Oh really ? I would've never thought," then a brief pause. One in which the familiar air of coco butter and castor oil that usually surrounded her, seemed to push my back against the wall " Now, answer. The. Question"

Even I didn't know who or what I was running from so why the hell did she think she'd get a response. An eye roll filled with boastful 'masculinity' teased her a reply before I opened that trap of mine to say

"I'm fine, I just needed to piss. Want to know anymore, mom"

She graced me with a not-so ladylike middle finger ( of course her thumb was up as well ). Before walking down the hallway to meet her mother.

"You know by know you'd think you'd have a girlfriend," she added in a voice that could easily draw attention yet push it away. Before gracing me with a sarcastic, teasing wink.

Before I had realised the day was over. I did my homework with earphones in, the noise practically rendering me deaf immediately after.

Monday came over, slapping me with cold fingers. Caring not about my need for five more minutes of slumber. So I stared aimlessly at the passing buildings as a ladybird stuck to the window of the car in which I had made years of memories and bumpy shut-eyes in.

This day I was greeted by the glint in which told of a cheeky yet serious "man" who's appearance is the one of the only things that had matured in him.

He looked at me with his bright smile before waving me over ; for me to catch site of none other than the very one I had been avoiding along with a bouncy afro and her glistening smile.

"Hey, how you doin' ?"

He began walking toward me before embracing me briefly, allowing me a short breath of his cologne. I remember it being the one I had bought him weeks prior as a birthday gift.

"Fine, you seem to be enjoying my gift," I reply with a slight grin.

"Why wouldn't I, it smells damn good," a slight chuckle escapes his lips before " anyways me and blondie were talking 'bout how I'm easily go'n get a scholarship next year."

"Bet" Faye smiled.

"Hey, I'm not lyin'. You know that damn well, baby girl," his tongue pressing his pointy tooth. The smile he bore illuminating as the dimples at either side of them when deep into his cheek.

She didn't bother a response rather just rolling her eyes with a small smile creeping.

"Hey, lovebirds, I'm starting to feel like I'm intruding." James joked with Mal.

"Says you," he nudged his chin " you and Matt a basically married and just outta your honey moon."

James smile dropped slightly.

"Yeah," Faye joined " I wouldn't be surprised if you two were secretly dating behind our back. Going on secret dates and shit." She chuckled after a minuscule belly laugh erupted from Mal.

"That's disgusting," I stated with a look of sheer awe at the idea that the image had dared to pass their mind for a moment.

"Hey it's just a joke," he looks at me, confusion dotting his irises.

"It's still disgusting, I would never date him."

I replied, sounding menacing. Sounding as though I was so right in the words I was saying, that anyone opposing would be nothing short of moronic.

Faye looked at me with a new found hatred and disgusts, as though she were in the presence of lowly internet troll. An internet troll that was dangerously sure in their wrong opinions.

"He said it's just a joke, calm down." It felt as though I was being talk down upon, as though I were a young child being put in their place.

Anger seething through me I replied, " that's still a vile joke. I'd rather die, than be with h-"

Before I dare finish my sentence a big slap came and hit me square in the face. Making my ears ring and my vision blur momentarily. To this day I can't help wonder where she managed to muster all that strength.

As my red cheek pulsed, I saw the look of wonder from the others scattered across the hall, the confusion at this whole predicament from Mal and a weird imbalance between regret and the newfound disgust Faye wore.

So out of an ashamed anger I stormed down the hall. But there was one thing, better yet a person who's emotions I didn't bother caring about. James

I didn't care about the tears the nipped at his eyes with so much force that he briefly look upward to roof with batting lashes ; I didn't care about how his lips quivered with pain and sorrow at the harsh words I uttered ; I didn't care to look back to see the eyes of a boy who cared for me so much that he would bypass that statement just to have me embrace him.

Whether it be for a second or a moment longer.

But I was but a stupid boy, filled with insecurity and self hatred. So much that the second I flipped that tab in the stall tears cascaded down my cheeks, as little sniffles escaped my slightly chapped lips.

"You fucking dumb ass" I repeated with my eyes blurred with salty imperfections and the palm of by hand hitting my forehead. In hindsight I can dare allege that it was to 'knock sense into me' or rather to remind myself of the fool I had become.

But intelligence is a taught nature, no. And intelligence rarely details the lives of 16 year old boys, rather a youthful raucous.

One in which is infamous for residing exclusively in our salad days.