— Chapter 32 —

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"Crap! Police!"

My head jerked to the side to get a look. Surely enough, he was right—a marked police sedan was driving in our direction, though from its speed, I figured they hadn't seen us yet. Its headlights blurred my vision.

"Let's go!" I said, taking a grip on Elliot's small hand.

The sirens started blaring as the two of us broke out into a run. I almost jumped out of my skin at the sound, feeling the ringing at the back of my ears. Cupping the side of my head with my free hand, I tried to block out the wailing alarms and did my best to calm the shock in my bones.

An officer's voice rang out from the speaker of the car. "Boston Police! Stop in the name of the law!"

Heh. Never thought they really said that.

I pulled Elliot into a narrow alleyway with me, knowing that the car wouldn't be able to follow us inside.

"Stop!" I heard an officer call again, though this time it wasn't over the car speaker.

Elliot and I had already lost them from our fields of vision, but we knew well enough that we weren't in the clear yet.

I felt the aching in my thighs as I dragged Elliot into another short backstreet, illuminated only by spaced-out lamp posts with flickering yellow lights. Puddle water splashed onto my dark jeans as I ran blindly down the path, Elliot keeping up well behind me.

"You know where you're going?" He called out, craning his head to make sure we weren't being followed.

"Like the back of my hand," I told him, promising our safety with a reassuring look. "You're not the only one who's spent their life out here."

We swerved into another passage, one that smelled pungently of gas and smoke, before turning abruptly into another alley.

We ran for a few more minutes. Elliot's hair kept flying in his face as he squeezed tightly onto my hand, trusting me enough to follow me without question.

Pure adrenaline was coursing through my veins. All the excitement had given me a thrill that I hadn't felt in years—a wild rush, providing me with enough energy to keep pressing forward. With my hair in the wind and my hand latched onto Elliot's, I ignored the pain in my legs and just kept going.

Elliot was with me, running.

And it just felt great.

By the time we'd entered the last alleyway, the sirens were no louder than a faint hum in the distance. I figured we had put quite a lot of distance between us and the police, but it was safer to keep going and stay on the safe side.

"I-It's a dead end!" Elliot mumbled with wide eyes, pulling on the hem of my sleeve to get my attention.

I looked up, seeing the stone apartment building that was definitely in the wrong place. It was new—entirely cutting off what had once been a large backstreet. The square area we were standing in now was nothing more than a small parking space.

Shit.

My gaze darted around before getting caught on the fire escape of the building beside us.

Elliot watched me as I jogged over to it and tugged down on the metal ladder.

"Surely we're not going to—!"

I cut him off as he approached. "Any better ideas?"

Meeting my gaze with uncertain eyes, Elliot hesitantly shook his head. I gestured for him to go first before he took a grasp on the ladder. The sirens had grown louder.

"Hurry!" I told him. "We can lose them up there!"

The rungs dug into the pads of my hands as I followed quickly behind Elliot, ascending onto the first level. Our heavy steps made the metal clang, loud sounds cutting through the air and making Elliot noticeably flinch.

We skipped several steps as we ran up the stairs, passing level by level as we continued to turn up into new staircases. Elliot's heavy breaths seemed to match my own. Clearly, neither of us were great at cardio.

"Keep going!" I encouraged him, following a few steps behind.

Elliot huffed in response, trying to catch his breath.

Jogging up the last few levels, Elliot finally made it to the roof. Following shortly after, I watched as he finally slowed to a stop in the middle of the roof. Passing him, I headed to the edge on the other side—my hand gripped onto the barrier as my head stuck over the side of the building to get a better look.

The city seemed so much bigger from up here. Thousands of lights, like twinkling diamonds, met with the stars glittering in the expansive galaxy over our heads. A cool breeze flowed through from the east, creating a comfortable whisper to cut through the silence. And the waves of the ocean seemed to dance far off in the distance, under the light of the cratered moon that seemed to watch protectively over the entirety of Boston as it slept.

Icy wind flowed through my dark hair, pinching my cheeks. Trying to spot the police car from the convenient vantage point we'd found on the roof, I was instead met with nothing but dimly lit streets and a quiet apartment neighborhood.

Fresh, cold air filled my lungs with a deep inhale.

It was notably deeper than any other breath I'd taken that day. A long, refreshing burst of air. A breath that soothed my spirit and comforted my senses.

A breath that reminded me I was alive.

"I think we lost them!" I announced back to Elliot, slapping my hand on the stone barrier almost in triumph. "I can't believe we didn't get caught! My sneakers are covered in shit, but we fucking made it! How the hell did we manage that?"

Elliot, still standing behind me, didn't reply to my ramblings. Instead, he caught his breath with his hands on his knees, bent over to let the blood rush to his head.

I stretched my arms out to either side as if to embrace the city lying before me. "This is crazy. Who knew you could even run that fast, Alley Cat?"

My gaze caught on Elliot, who'd tied up his hair while we'd been on the roof. Gaze hidden behind the locks of hair fanning over his forehead, he made no moves to answer.

Instead, he sunk his teeth into his lower lip and drew in a heavy inhale through his nose. Walking right over to the stone barrier at the edge of the roof, Elliot rested his gaze on the wide cityscape before us.

Something about him was different.

His eyes sparkled with the reflections of the thousands of city lights ahead of him. Small strands of hair fluttered in the breeze as he cowered his hands in the pockets of his jacket. Heat warmed his cheeks, and though his expression had remained still for the last few moments, I could tell that something in his mood had shifted.

"What is it?" I asked.

Elliot's voice came out no louder than a gentle whisper.

"Nothing."

My gaze continued to observe his features. I knew that I couldn't get him to speak if he didn't want to—if there was something on his mind, perhaps he'd trust me enough to tell me on his own.

For a moment, I was silent.

But with a firm nod and a calming breath of clean air, I took a grip on the ledge barrier and climbed up on it.

"What the hell are you doing?" Elliot blurted out, concern evident in his voice.

Dusting my hands of the debris as I stood up tall on the ledge, a deep breath filled my lungs and I rested my gaze on the ground that seemed to lie miles down below.

I'd never been the type that was scared of heights. In fact, the very feeling of being so high up gave me a sense of freedom, and freedom was something that my soul craved like nothing else.

I inched closer to the very edge of the stone ridge, the ivory caps of my sneakers hanging right off the building.

The void at the back of my mind laughed.

One more step and it could all be over for you, it seemed to say to me, nodding to the ground below. Haven't you ever wanted to fly?

I asked Elliot, "You ever been up this high before?"

A frustrated frown crossed briefly across Elliot's face before he answered.

"Get down from there. It's not safe."

"Aw, you worried about me?"

Elliot's annoyance grew. "That's not funny. Get down."

"Why?"

"Noah, seriously. You're going to hurt yourself."

"I'll be fine. You worry too much," I chuckled, sticking my foot up in the air and letting it hang off the side of the building. "See? Look! Nothing to be worried about."

Elliot's face contorted into one of fear, and as he hurriedly closed the gap between us, he yelled out, "Noah!"

I dropped down to take a seat on the ridge. Elliot gasped at the action and threw his hand out to grab a fistful of my shirt, his eyes shooting wide open with fright.

Laughing at his reaction, I pointed down to the side of the building.

"There's a ledge, Elliot."

His eyes widened with confusion. "What?"

"Look," I teased. Watching as he quickly stuck his head over the side, Elliot's demeanor slowly calmed when he finally understood what I meant.

There was a flat concrete protrusion only a foot or two beneath the ridge where I was sitting. It served only to separate the lower level, and was big enough that jumping from here would only have me landing on it unscathed. The real danger was the edge of that ledge.

"That's not funny!" He snapped, slapping my upper arm with the back of his hand. "You scared the shit out of me! What the hell is wrong with you?"

I shrugged to myself with an amused grin, letting my teeth fiddle with the piercing on my tongue. "In all honesty, it would probably take me less time to cover what isn't."

"Noah!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," I chuckled, raising my hands in surrender. "You know I'd never actually do something like that. I was just messing around."

"Don't ever do that again."

I noticed the subtle crack in his voice but chose not to bring it up.

"Alright, alright," I smiled at him, tapping the wide ridge for him to take a seat with me. "Come. Sit."

He scoffed. "No thanks. You'll push me."

"How despicable do you think I am? Jeez," I feigned offense. With a small grin, I asked, "Seriously, would you just get up here?"

He contemplated his decision, staring at the ledge that alleviated the danger from being up so high. A heavy exhale finally left his lips and he looked up at me.

"...Fine."

He hoisted himself up and awkwardly took a seat beside me, letting his legs hang off the side of the building like mine. I could tell he probably wasn't all too comfortable being up so high.

For a few moments, neither of us spoke.

I couldn't help but observe him silently. He had his gaze off to the side, blankly staring at the city in the distance while some kind of dejected vibe began to blanket around him. His cheeks were flushed—probably from the adrenaline—and he had his teeth grazing down on his lower lip. Bowing his head down, the wind slowly pushed his fringe down, covering his eyes.

I couldn't help but ask. "What's the matter?"

He sucked in a sharp breath of air and fidgeted where he sat.

But patience turned out to be the right answer.

Whatever had been weighing down on him tonight, Elliot's voice broke as he finally confessed all his inner thoughts to me. Speaking quietly, his confession seemed to cause him nothing more than pain, and I couldn't help but linger on the words that left his mouth.

"I... I didn't go to her funeral."

And there it was: the thing that had been weighing him down all night. The thought that had been racing through his mind, stopping him from letting himself fully indulge in any kind of happiness.

His mother.

Elliot had lost someone once before—joke or not, it was clear to me now that the sight of me standing the ledge did nothing more than terrify him with the thought of losing someone else.

What could you say to someone going through something like that? The death of a mother?

The taste was familiar on my tongue. I'd lost my father, and I could still recall the way I'd shut everyone out. I could still remember hating the words people had to say, that he was a good man, that it wasn't my fault, that it would all be okay. But from strangers... what meaning did words like that really have? They couldn't change what had already been done... they only sugarcoated the truth.

Elliot spoke again.

"When she died, I... I didn't go to h-her..."

And just like that, I watched him break to pieces.

"When she died, I... I didn't go to h-her..." I trailed off, fiery heat singing my cheeks as I let the suffocating weight in my chest swallow me whole.

I'd been fine ten minutes ago.

Some thoughts must have taken a wrong turn in my head—and my emotions had followed with them. I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Ten minutes ago, while I was running with Noah with adrenaline in my veins and wind freezing my cheeks, I felt like I was floating on air. Like I was on top of the world.

...Wait.

That's it.

I'd felt that way before. Plenty of times before. With James.

Noah wasn't James.

I must've realized that as we were running. That I couldn't just recreate the same memories with Noah—it was all wrong. What was wrong with me?

I hadn't felt a high like that since the last time I'd done this with James, all the years ago. I thought I'd never feel that way again. Going through those same emotions tonight made my thoughts spiral right back to him, and for some helpless reason, I couldn't help but realize just how much my fragile heart missed him... just how much I'd hated myself, alone, for all these years.

It was the fall of that one little domino that had set off a chain reaction.

Just like that, I'd found myself spiraling down the cold abyss of my mind, letting all the memories and all the guilt dig into my defenseless psyche like shards of glass. James, my father, my wasted dreams, but most of all, my mom.

The fact that I had her torn away from me. That I couldn't do what I'd promised her back then. That I'd failed her. That I hadn't gone to see her. That, out of all the people in the world, I was the one she cared about most, and that I was the one who'd been her greatest disappointment.

Everything had come rushing over me at once, but I couldn't help but focus on anything but her.

I hadn't gone to her funeral.

Noah's honey eyes seemed frozen on me as I broke down into tears before him.

I hadn't cried in months.

Plenty of people had it worse than I did, and James had always made it a point that crying didn't fix any problems. That it was a waste of time, time that was better spent searching for resolutions. He was right—he was always right—but... I'd been convincing myself for years to keep it together, and for what?

Nothing had ever worked out in my favor. Not with my childhood, not with my father, not with college, not with James, not with my mother. I grew up isolated and alone. My father preferred to pretend I didn't exist. I could barely make it into college at this rate. James had left me. And mom was dead.

I was being swallowed alive.

And I was suffocating.

So at that moment, sitting on that rooftop, I didn't have any strength left in me anymore. I was weak, and I was breaking down.

I'd always forced myself to hold it together, but just like that... the crumbling wall that the broken child in me had been trying to fix for so long had fallen to the ground.

I didn't care about Noah's presence, or if he would judge me. I just wanted all the agony out of my chest. I just wanted to breathe.

My shaking frame curled over, hands gripping around my body as I felt the hot tears dripping from my lashes. I was still out of breath from running from the police with Noah. The heavy lump in my throat wasn't helping.

I didn't go to her funeral.

"When she died, I didn't... I-I didn't go to her funeral," I said, letting the words pour out of my lips. "I had a eulogy to—to write her, and I didn't... I... I didn't even..."

"Elliot..."

"I wasn't there when... when she died..." I continued. "I was out. With friends, with James, and she was... she was dying, and I wasn't—I wasn't there," I sobbed. "I promised I'd stay with her and I wasn't. She... she died alone. She died alone."

"You couldn't have kno—"

"How could I do that to her?" I asked myself with wide eyes, hugging my arms around my chest as if I would break apart in my own hands. "Of course I could've known! I knew it would happen, and I knew I shouldn't have gone, but I left anyway. I left. Why did I... why did I leave?"

At that point, I'd been talking more to myself than to Noah. Talking out into the night air, perhaps. I didn't care—it was just better to have it all in the open rather than letting it destroy me from the inside... as it had been for years.

Noah's sudden hand on my shoulder made me flinch, like an electric shock through my veins.

For whatever reason, his simple gesture made terror settle deep into my core, and as I jerked back from his touch I couldn't help but feel the sudden guilt crawling into the back of my mind.

I never usually gave people the chance to see me cry, much less have someone attempt to console me when I got emotional. My father was one of the very few people who had ever touched me while I was crying... and usually it was just to beat me into shutting up.

A kind hand on my shoulder for support was never something I'd been given before. I didn't even know how to react.

"I'm sorry. I'm s-sorry, I—" I choked out to Noah in desperation, but the words only sounded like the broken cries of a little child.

I kept taking shallow gasps of air like my lungs were being crushed. The grip I had hugging around my chest was a weak attempt to stop my own shaking.

Noah rested his hand on my upper arm when he felt that it was okay to do so, beginning to speak to me in a gentle tone of voice that I'd never heard from him before.

"Elliot—Elliot, it's okay. Listen to me. It's okay," he said. "You're going to be okay. You're safe with me."

I didn't take the time to process my actions before shuffling over and taking a tight grip on his shirt.

Safe.

Pressing myself to his chest, I hid my face in the fabric and held on tightly enough to cause numbing sensations in the crooks of my fingers. And quietly, I just wept.

My body trembled like an unsteady flame of a candle in his embrace... like a flame on the verge of being put out. The shivers only got worse as he rubbed my back because as much as the gesture comforted me, I was preparing for him to change his mind and push me away at any moment.

God. Why did I force this on him? The thoughts seemed to plague my mind as my chin trembled and hot breath left my nose. I'm such an idiot.

"It's all going to be okay," Noah reminded me. "You understand, Alley Cat? I promise it's going to be okay."

I narrowed my focus to that one word: 'okay.'

He's right. He's right, I repeated. For your sake, Elliot... let it be okay. Just this once.

A few shallow breaths and a heavy sniffle later, I felt too close to him for comfort.