⚠️ Brief mention of self-harm.

Twenty-Nine | Sloan

It was another three-hour drive back to the Mulligan farm. Ollie drove himself, leaving Hallie and me with Penelope Mulligan. I didn't remember leaving the driveway, because as soon as Hallie and I piled into the backseat, I fell asleep in my best friend's lap. As hard as I told myself not to cry anymore, I couldn't stop. Sleeping seemed like the easy way out.

Ollie beat us there. No surprise with his love of the gas pedal. I awoke while being carried bridal style to Penny's spare bedroom, but Ollie didn't stay this time. My hand reached out and found nothing but air, followed by the door clicking shut. Would it have mattered if he stayed in the bed tonight? Probably not. He shouldn't be subjected to my crying over another man. He'd already went beyond what he needed to do tonight.

Everything hurt—my mind, body, and soul alike. This feeling had not been missed the last few months, but it didn't seem fair either. It was because I wasn't thinking of Steve as much. I wanted to so badly. I wanted to hear his voice, and his laugh, or see the way he would dance horribly to make me smile. Those little things were slipping from my memory without realizing it.

Even now, as I laid in a bed just two doors down from where his room was, I wanted Ollie here with me. I wondered if he had fallen asleep yet. I wondered how old he was when he started smoking. How old was he when he had his first kiss? Was it with Shelby? Was it here on this farm? What did he dream about that was so scary? Mostly, I wondered if he could wait until I was ready. After tonight, we both were very aware I wasn't. I worried about what he thought of me. This was the first time he'd really seen me lose it, and it appeared like I was using him as a human shield from heartache. That was never the intention with him. In fact, there was never an intention of any sort with him. Ollie came out of nowhere, and it was the best and the worst time.

I couldn't wait one goddamn year to fall for someone else? What would Steve think of me right now? I pondered that while crying myself to sleep again.

>>

The Mulligan farmhouse was eerily quiet on this particular Saturday. Where the holiday season had the home bursting with Christmas festivities at the crack of dawn, that was not the case today. The lack of morning cheer could easily be summed up by the fact no one was awake yet. It was four in the morning on a weekend. No one in their right mind would be up this early.

Yet, here I was, wide awake and listening to an abundance of whirling wind and a loud clanking outside of the window. I tried to ignore it and sleep in with the rest of the household, but it was no use. Crawling out of the bed, I stood beside the only window in the room and pushed the white sheer curtains to the side. It was windy, and more snow had fallen in the night. I vaguely recalled the sound of ice tapping on this very window a few hours prior. The large spruce trees that surrounded the farm were swaying so hard they looked like they could snap in half. Though, if they hadn't done so after all these years, with some being at least sixty-feet tall, it would take more than a windy day to break them.

This was the first time I had seen the view from this window, and I regretted not doing it the last time we were here. From this spot, I could see the giant hill we had sleighed down, various barns, silos, chicken coops, hog sheds, and acres of white fields. One barn had a door that appeared to be the culprit of interrupting my sleep. Of all the barns, this one appeared to be the biggest and also the oldest. It was at least two stories high and made of splintered, gray-colored wood that looked to have seen better days. Of its two oversized doors, one was currently hanging by nothing but its upper hinge. The clanking sound seemed to come from the door, blowing freely. With it hanging at an angle instead of upright, the upper right corner was hitting the other door.

No matter. I was wide awake now. The first hurdle of the day was going to be conquering the shower without Ollie's help. Flipping on the vanity light in the bathroom, the mirror only confirmed what I already knew. Crying for twenty-four hours straight without substance, and while using your dead husband's sweatshirt as a reusable tissue... not the best look. The greasy, and horribly knotted, hair really topped it off. After ridding myself of the nasty clothing I'd been wearing for more than a day, I carefully turned the faucet of the shower until it was at the perfect forty-five-degree angle, remembering what Ollie had taught me. The water sprang to life, along with the pipes behind the wall.

If anyone else in the house had slept through the barn door, they sure as hell would not last through my shower.

>>

Fragrant, fresh coffee beans carried me by my nose to the kitchen. With it being only five now, I was sure I would find a certain chef with a hot mug in his hand, especially after passing his bedroom that had an already made bed. Instead, I found Penelope—Penny; I reminded myself—standing beside the coffeepot. Still in a pink robe and slippers that looked like rabbits, she moved freely around her own space, preheating the oven and pulling various ingredients from a pantry and the refrigerator.

"Did I wake you?" I made my presence known, clutching my elbow and feeling horrible that after a long night of driving, I woke this poor woman up early.

The elderly, petite woman looked up with a cheeky grin, with a carton of eggs tucked beneath her arm and a gallon of milk in her hold. "Oh. No way, hunny. I rarely sleep."

"Ah." I brought myself to smile for the first time today. "Ollie must get that gene from you."

Her smile faltered, but she picked it back up. "No. Mine is from worrying about my kids. That child, in particular, sleeps like a rock. We had to drag him out of that bed every morning for chores."

Looking back to the bedroom, and seeing it appeared to not have been slept in, I couldn't imagine that. "Where is he?"

Using her foot, Penelope kicked the refrigerator door shut and motioned with her head for me to follow. After placing all the ingredients on the countertop, she reached over the sink to draw back the curtains from the window. From there, I could now see a snowmobile off in the distance, gliding along a fence line.

"What's he doing on a snowmobile this early?"

"For my birthday gift to myself, I gave him a list of things that need done around here. He's not only checking the fence to make sure that the cows can't get out, but he uses that thing to blow off steam. At least he used to."

I sighed, knowing I caused whatever frustrations he was letting go of out there. Yesterday was too much on him. Not only as my teacher with a student that didn't show up for their finals, or as a boss whose employee missed a shift, but as the guy who had been determined to make me smile the last few months. I broke down into him and sobbed for another guy. All the things that had kept me up last night had also been on Ollie's mind.

"I shouldn't have broken down like that in front of him. It wasn't fair to him. He's avoiding me."

His mother's shaking head seemed to disagree. "Don't blame yourself for him being out there. There's a lot more than that on his mind."

Maybe. The ache in my stomach sure wanted me to think I was the prime reason he was blowing off steam. My thoughts also gravitated to the fact his younger brother was marrying the girl who 'fucked him up'. Ollie said it didn't bother him as much as he thought it would, but was he lying? Was this keeping him up at night?

"Want to help me prepare brunch?" Penelope's hand rested on my arm, seeming to know that I remained stuck in my head. "I thought we'd do a breakfast casserole and some muffins. I miss my kids helping me in here. This big old kitchen and no one but me. Kit despises cooking."

I couldn't think of anything better than spending my morning with Ollie's mom in the kitchen. My head bobbed as I scrunched my sleeves, ready to be put to work. It was these silly brief moments with Penny that made me feel like I had a mother figure—making a breakfast together, wearing plaid pajama pants for a family tradition, receiving the most heartfelt hug that I needed desperately. Those were already filed away as being some of the best moments of my life.

Penelope provided me with a large mixing bowl, the carton of farm-fresh eggs, and some milk to begin the casserole. Thankfully, she'd taken on the baking of the muffins as her project, because I didn't have the heart to tell her that if she wanted the baked birthday treat, she'd have to do them herself if she wanted them to resemble a muffin.

It still didn't turn off my mind, especially with the sound of the snowmobile zipping around outside.

"Penny, may I ask you something?"

"Anything," she said, stealing two eggs from the carton.

"How can you stand Shelby after she left Ollie for Mikah?"

She sighed, and it was absolutely understandable given the context of the conversation. "I love Oliver just as much as my other two," she began. "I think we can both tell that he's a bit of his own star. He's extremely talented and extremely hard on himself with everything he does. I think for that reason, he always got more attention than Kit or Mikah, especially when he had a knack for both farming and cooking when the other two wanted no part of either. Then we have Kit, who's my girl. I can't deny that I bond with her more. But Mikah..."

With her hesitation, I felt bad for causing her to admit that she wasn't as close to Mikah.

"You don't have to tell me," I said, offering her an out.

"He's just quiet. He had friends that were girls, but never a girlfriend. Never wanted to go to college. Never really showed us interest in anything," she continued. "When Shelby moved in across the street, we knew instantly that both boys had a crush. She just took to Ollie like everyone around him did, and she loved attention as much as Ollie. Did Ollie ignore her for his career? Yes. That girl had every reason to want out. Was I upset that she took up with Mikah? Yes, because I watched my son's heart break. I also watched another son come out of his shell, and I saw him happy for probably the first time. I can't deny I was disappointed in him. He knew Ollie was having a rough time, but the whole family was."

As I cracked the last egg into the bowl, I saw more of everyone's side in accepting the relationship. Penny was trying to keep common ground with everyone. Kit had obviously made her mind up and sided with Ollie, which I couldn't help but to do the same.

"Let's make one thing clear, though." Penny handed me a whisk. "I'd rather shovel cow shit out of the barn on my birthday than have a single conversation with little miss thing. I wouldn't be heartbroken if Mikah got a clue and took back that ring."

The confession made me burst into giggles.

>>

By eleven, the birthday brunch spread filled the oversized table made of barn wood. After setting in the fridge for a few hours, my breakfast casserole was now in the oven, making the room smell heavenly with a mixture of bacon, sausage, and all of my favorite vegetables. Lemon poppy seed muffins had been baked earlier and were now placed in a cute basket for show. Although there wasn't much to show, they hadn't risen the way they should have. It only took one morning with Penny to realize she was not a baker, either. There was also an abundance of fresh fruit that Hallie and Kit helped cut once they had woken.

Just as I thought, Kit and Hallie hit it off right away. They shared a very entertaining story of the first time they'd met. Apparently, Hallie had been the first to meet the entire Mulligan crew and was accused of being one of Ollie's crazy blonde flings. I would have paid to see that.

Hallie and Kit were now focused on trying to get Kit's baby, Madison, to walk. They'd made it their goal for the day, holding out pieces of fruit to coax her into coming their way by foot. I got the impression everyone was giving me space, but staying nearby if needed. Penny seemed to be the only person by my side and keeping my mind off yesterday's meltdown. Ollie still hadn't shown his face because of it, making me feel lousy.

"Just waiting on Mikah and Shelby," Penny said, pushing a bottle of champagne my way.

The mimosa idea had been an excellent one. Everyone was on board with this. Even Kit, who decided her kid could live off of formula for a few days. The alcohol had perfect timing; it was needed to tolerate round two of Shelby. She and Mikah had walked through the door just as I topped off my flute with a cherry. Shelby ignored me, going right for Penny and engulfing the woman into a hug with birthday wishes. Joke was on her. Ollie's mom wasn't hugging her back, unlike the hug I had received last night.

"What are you doing here?" Hallie said with a groan to Mikah.

"Me?" he asked, sticking his thumb to his chest. "I have a bedroom here. I think I should ask why the hell you are here. Are we bringing home strays from the bar?"

"I came with Sloan." Hallie tightened her ponytail with narrowed eyes. "And I know you have a bedroom here, because I slept in it. The Batman sheets are adorable, by the way."

For the first time, I was watching Mikah turn the color of the cherry floating in my drink. This was fast becoming entertaining. I wished Ollie had come inside to see his brother embarrassed.

"Also, I found your little stash of trashy magazines. I never took you for an ass-man."

The grin on Hallie's face was a proud one. Mikah's was the complete opposite, with his mouth opening and closing, unsure of what to say. Meanwhile, Kit dropped her back to the floor, laughing so hard she was already in tears with her daughter attempting to crawl over her.

"I'm not," he said through gritted teeth.

"Anymore," Hallie clarified for him, holding up a single finger. "You're not an ass man anymore." When Hallie's eyes drifted to the other blonde in the room, one who was off in her own little world with Mikah's mother and completely unaware of the conversation being held about her lack of an ass, I felt myself blushing for him. "The things we do for love, eh?"

Kit's laughter became uncontrollable, and I was finding it hard not to giggle too. Instead, I pressed my smile to the rim of the champagne flute and sipped my mimosa.

"Let's not forget who you over share your secrets with, Tipsy." Mikah glared. "Or do you forget I fill your drinks while you spill those?"

Hallie cackled. "You have nothing on me!"

"No?"

"Hell no."

Mikah smirked. "I may still have Batman sheets in my childhood bedroom, but someone still loves to play with toys."

"Okay!" Hallie clapped, now becoming just as red as Mikah. "Can we eat now? Where's Ollie?"

Everyone looked around, now noticing that the eldest sibling was missing from the group of laughter. His absence hadn't been lost on me. It was understandable for him to bring me here after the holiday we had shared. It was the best I'd ever felt. But did he not understand that he was the reason it was so enjoyable?

"Mom, can we get started?" Mikah interrupted whatever discussion Shelby had cornered the woman with. "Where's Ollie?"

When Penny did not respond, I followed Mikah's gaze towards his mother. Her expression had stiffened, and she visibly drew in a deep breath and exhaled it. "I gave him a to-do list."

"Okay?" Mikah said, confused. "What kind of to-do list? I'm here all the time doing shit for you."

"Well," Penny began. She picked up a damp rag from the sink and cleaned the countertops from a mess I knew didn't exist. "The fence..."

Mikah moved to the window, pushing the curtains out of the way to scan for his brother. "I don't see him."

"And the barn door."

The room fell silent. Whatever Kit had been giggling about with Hallie stopped instantly. She stood, picking up Madison and plopping her to her hip with a shaking head, while Shelby moved to the next window over to look outside.

"He wasn't ready for that!" Mikah's eyes widened. "You're pushing him! It's hard enough to get him here."

"He needed a push," Penny argued, leaving me wondering what the hell they were talking about. "I'm his mother, Mikah. Don't tell me what he can or cannot handle! He needs this."

Kit arrived by my side; her eyes filled with tears that were just waiting to burst free. "You need to go out there and get him," she said to me. "He won't talk to us."

Out where? Talk about what?

"I'll go," Shelby said, picking up the purple coat that she'd tossed into an open chair. "I doubt he went in."

"Don't you dare." Kit held up a hand to stop her. Madison wailed, but no one seemed to care that everyone's changed tone was scaring her. "You have not helped this situation any. It needs to be Sloan."

"What's in the barn?" I asked, feeling as far out of the loop as Hallie looked right now.

When no one answered, I repeated the question louder, but only focused on Mikah for the answer. His lip visibly shook, and he used his hand to cover it briefly as he took a deep breath.

"That's where Ollie found dad," he said, clearing his throat after.

I frowned, looking around the room at a lot of heavy hearts. Penny took the screaming baby from Kit's arms and proceeded up the stairs with her, leaving us. I couldn't blame her, as I seldom wanted to talk out loud about Steve. And if I did, I never wanted to talk about the day he died.

"What happened?" I asked, hating myself for doing it when I hated that question being asked of me. But Ollie had mentioned nothing about his dad's death other than Shelby and Mikah announcing their relationship during the wake. "Something sudden? A heart attack?"

Mikah's head shook, and I instantly regretted asking when his eyes glossed over. "He killed himself."