I haven't spoken to her yet, Mal. Since we had our little dispute. She's so in her head, that she can't see anything else but what she wants to see. Amal gets on my nerves, but I am not going to apologize for telling my honest opinion about her words. Yah I know, she was left to deal with it and grow up, as she claims. But I lost four years of my life, and I am not the same anymore. Or maybe I am exactly the same, and everyone and thing is different. I might have been in a coma, but my mind is present. Clearly Mal changed a lot, and we aren't the same people from four years ago. Now I am just the coy and thoughtful one.

She's mad, but so am I - I lost some years of my life. I was going to get married (well engaged first) and have a career. Imad and me, shocking but true. We were supposed to tell them, everyone that we are secretly in love with each other and that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. It seemed so perfectly planned, everything set- in our minds at least. And so we didn't get to do that.

The worst part of it all, since waking up he hasn't mentioned us, or what we were. It is just talk about my well being, which is nice of him. I guess. It's been four years, I don't expect him to be head over heals over me, but some part of him should ache to see me or even want to be with me. To look me in the eyes and say he's glad that I am alive. But he's not here. Yeah I know, he has a career and all, I wish him the best. It's my fault for expecting things from him. Just like Mal, he's probably not the person I knew. And I have to quickly learn and adjust to this newness, or be stuck in the past. Getting to know everyone all over again, because I didn't get the chance to grow along side them and share experiences with them. God had a plan... I only pray I have the patience to go through this plan with my heart intact.

I have been hiding this secret from Amal, and I don't know how she's going to take it when she finds out about Imad and me. She'll probably be surprised, and angry I didn't tell her. Accuse me of not trusting her enough - which isn't the case. Imad and I made the decision to keep it between us, to make sure if spending the rest of our lives together is what we wanted, so before telling anyone, we took time to decide. And so the only way to let everyone know of our decision, was together. When Amal told me what Imad did, after the accident, and my mum dying. It didn't sit with me because it didn't make sense. She raised him as well. Why would he abandon... It doesn't make sense. But uh I guess grieving does happen in different ways, even if those ways, hurt other people. I am starting to see why Amal's heart is heavy with it all. Carrying forgiveness around, no one to give it too, even if you already gave it to yourself.

My mother was a strong, smart and the kindest person. She loved us, she would die for us, she lived for us. I wonder what she would think seeing her family so broken. I am sure she would be devastated, and still come up with wise-comforting words. My mum is my inspiration. I want her strength and resilience, in all moments of my life. Only Allah knows how much I miss her, everyday from the moment I woke up feels like something is missing, someone. Subconsciously I knew she would be waiting for me, alive. But she wasn't. And that was a heavy truth for my heart to carry. So heavy that it broke.

I didn't get to even share with my mother, who I hoped I'd spend the rest of my life with. It kills me that I had to hide from her an aspect of my life. I guess this the growing Mal was talking about. The accepting, and realizations. The front door bell rang, like a trance lifted. I walked, pacing towards the front door. I had feeling it's my father. He said he is coming today. So when I opened the door, to see him, my father. No words could explain the amount of happiness I felt. Like a piece of home, once incomplete and now less incomplete. He stood barely stable with a cane supporting him, his beard unshaven and eyes filled with sadness or regret, it was all interlaced. And I couldn't read it well. The chauffeur brought in his luggage. I hugged him, in his arms I felt like the little girl. Like a trapped rabbit finally finding an escape.

"I smell burning cookies," he says jokingly, as I part from the hug. (An inside joke, my father and I share.) My eyes flood with tears, and I couldn't stop them.

"The special." I said and smile sadly. "I missed you Dad." He walks in, with his cane. Which now I have to learn to get used to seeing my dad with.

"I missed you too Anisa." He said barley able to look at me. Probably embarrassed for his absence or his own mistakes. He looked around, as he walked. I observed him, his heart obviously breaking, his back home but without the love of his life to grow old with. I went beside him, and we walked towards the sitting room. Both in silence. He sat on the couch and I sat besides him.

"Where is your sister?" He asked.

"I am here dad." Amal replies before I did. She comes down the stairs. She walks up to him, bows down to kiss his forehead and sits next to him, on his right side.

"How was your trip?" She asked, and tried not to look at him. Glances she took, because she obviously missed our father. Not even her anger could hide that fact.

"Alhamdulilah it was good," he replied, his voice now low and raspy.

"I missed you girls so much." I laid my head on his shoulder and started crying.

"Dad, mum is no longer here." I say and cry more. Memories flooding my mind, of what once was.

"She'll always be here, as long you two are here. You are her legacy. And that's how I know she isn't fully gone." He says and holds my hand. Amal remains quiet.

"I am sorry I wasn't a good father Amal. I disappointed you..."

"No baba, don't say say that. You were hurting too and you protected me how you saw fit." Amal spoke, her hands on her laps and gaze lowered.

"Don't make excuses for me. Please forgive me still, I was supposed to be there for you. And be a father to you. Love you ever second, twice now that your mum isn't here." He reaches out his hand for hers and holds it. When she shifted her gaze to look at his hand, I saw a tear slowly trickling down her cheek.

Flashback

"What will you do if I die?" Layla asked and looked me into the eyes.

"Can I die with you?" I spoke, ridiculing.

"I am serious Ahmed."

"I can see that now, you even used my official name. Where is this coming from?"

"From my curious thoughts. Now please answer the question." I stroked her head and cupped her cheek and kissed her. Once I stoped, I spoke:

"Well my love. If you ever do die before me, which I think is highly unlikely, because I plan on growing old with you. But if you do... If you do, I don't know what I'll do."

"Will you remarry?" She asked, worryingly.

"Nope. I'll just wait for my time and be with you in that other life. For my heart only belongs to one Layla."

"What about our children?" I put my hand on her round, swollen tummy, and she placed her hand on mine.

"What about them?"

"If I die giving birth to them...Promise me that you'll love them still, unconditionally. Always, for every second."

"Don't speak like that my love. Please. I don't need to make a promise, because I know for a fact that you will deliver our children and we will both love them unconditionally for every second of our lives."

"You don't know that. You just don't." She spoke frantic.

"Okay okay relax. I promise. I promise Layla." I hugged her and didn't let go of her quivering body. "I love you hayati."

"I love you more." She sobbed, while in my arms.

"And then don't complain if I love them more than you." She chuckled. "Because I will." I will.

❤️