I just focused on my Arabic studies in Saudi Arabia, I studied hard to forget the pain I applied for.

Even though I was busying myself with studies, I can't help but still think about her.

Since I was a scholarship student, we have vacation yearly but I didn't want to spend it.

I didn't go home every vacation.

I was glad my parents understand my decision and respected it.

They know I was still hurting.

Days, weeks and years went by quickly.

I still have no news about Hana and if ever there were news about her, I didn't even wanna know about it.

I was afraid, what if she has someone new?

***

3 years have passed and I came back home, to my homeland, Philippines.

I've already finished my studies in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

I went home and people were already calling me Alim or Ustadh, that's what they call the students who have graduated from Saudi Arabia.

It's like being called Sir, Teacher or Professor in English Language but this has religious vibes.

I have grown up while I was away, if I was taking anything seriously when I was young, I became someone who takes everything seriously more than I used to..

I've become someone who has an aura of a lecturer, of course because I've become a teacher who had finished his degree abroad.

I don't talk always, I don't laugh, I just smile formally.

I don't go outside, I only go out when I have classes or when I am assigned as a lecturer in a gathering or seminar.

When there's an important gathering, I must always be there for motivational or inspirational talk.

Love story wasn't an interest to me.

Marriage or marrying again is not in my plan.

The only thing what was on my mind was to convey and relay what I have learned.

Teach my students what I have learned in Saudi Arabia.

I had no intention of giving myself a free time, I spend all my time for studying or teaching only.

There was a time that my parents were talking with me.

"Yassin, we're reminding you that we have a wealth and that you're free to marry." said Grandfather.

(T/N: Dowry, when a man marries he gives the girl a gift: money and everything. Basically, they're reminding him that they can help him marry again)

"Grandfather, thanks.

But marriage is still not in my vocabulary.

If I wanna marry I have my own now, I can marry on my own."

I always tell Grandfather whenever they tell me to marry.

They thought that I will be happy if I marry again but I think I will not find the same joy.

Whenever they tell me or ask me when will I marry again, that feeling when I was with Hana just comes back rushing. It's so hard.

***

One day, there was someone who asked me to teach in their Arabic college, I didn't say no, but instead I accepted the offer.

It has been one week since I started teaching in that college.

I gave them quiz and was checking their test papers until one paper caught my attention.

I have stared at this one test paper after reading the name of its owner, for how long I stared at it, I didn't know.

Just seeing the writing lets me know who owns it.

I know that writing so well.

It's Hana's.

If you're curious why I don't know the name of students, they're already college students, they're not pupils that needs to be checked if they're in the class or not. They're too old for that.

I wasn't able to sleep that night after that.

All I think about after I saw that is her.

Subhaana'llaah, feeling like this lets me know that I haven't really moved on.

I wonder if she has already moved on too?

Is she married?

Or is she in love with someone?

Is she still mad at me?

Have she already forgiven me?

I have so many questions.

***

I really can't pinpoint where is she among my students, may be she was among the niqabis.

(T/N: Niqab is that black veil that covers the Muslim woman's face to preserve their chastity and modesty. And it's their choice to wear it. They're also called niqabis or munaqqaba)

Despite that, I still tried to look presentable but also acted like I don't know that she's my student.

I pretended.

When I was distributing their test papers, I called them one by one to get it.

When it was Hana's turn, I was looking down at the rest of the test papers.

I didn't look at her when she stood up to get her paper and when she turned her back to me, that's the moment that I finally glanced at her.

She grew taller and still petite like she used to be.

I don't know how does she feel knowing that her teacher was once her husband.

Sometimes, my students tease me and ask if I have a wife, if I was married or still single but I just ignore them.

I change topic whenever they ask me that. It was uncomfortable.

***

When Hana was my student, we acted like strangers.

Like we have no past memories we shared together.

I don't know about Hana, if she still hates me? Or still mad at me? Or what?

All I know was all that acting-stranger-play hurts me deep inside.

***

One day, I asked Basim, my cousin who was also married, if he knows anything about Hana.

"There's someone who wants to marry Hana but I'm not sure if she or her parents like him yet."

My throat was suddenly dry.

I wasn't able to say anything.

***