I don't know when or how did I come back to myself. I was really bewitched. Like literally.

Let's not talk about who casted a spell or curse on me, only Allaah knows who made me like that (by His Will).

But everything was too late.

I've no one to go back to.

Hana wasn't there. She has already left me.

Whose fault was it? I made her left.

Everything was gone in vain, and I can't accept the fact that my life had gone like this.

Hana wasn't here as my wife. She wasn't my wife anymore.

I was ashamed and at the same time heartbroken.

Hurt. Pained.

I thought I was the type of guy who can't let go of of Hana.

Yes, it was real. We're not together anymore.

Believe it or not. I cried because of Hana.

I always tear up and cry because of Hana in front of mom.

It was so painful to wake up in reality that Hana was not here with me.

Too painful to accept the fact that we weren't together anymore.

Too painful to accept that she wasn't my wife anymore.

My heart breaks to pieces every time.

I could not take the fact I was the only one to be blamed.

It was all my fault.

Until I became ill out of frustration and longing.

I became thin and was ill for 4 months, only because of this heartbreak.

I didn't know what kind of illness it was.

Sometimes I just collapse out of the blue and I can't swallow.

While I was sick, I thought I won't be able to wake up one day.

I don't know if Hana's family knows but I think they don't.

There was even a time my hair falls. My parents was worried sick, especially grandfather.

Then after suffering for 4 months, Alhamdu li'llaah, I recovered.

***

I continued my arabic college, I always tried to call my ex-wife but she was out of coverage.

Even her social accounts were shut down.

Because I was so ashamed of what I did to Hana, I couldn't bring myself to go to their house.

But there was no time that I don't think about her.

There was no day, hour, minutes and seconds that passed that I didn't long for her.

There were still the moments that when I think about her, my tears just drop from my eyes.

It was so hard for me.

I went back to my parents and gave Hana our house. It was hers in the first place, it was among the gifts I gave her when I married her.

***

Days went by and Allaah bestowed His mercy upon me that He allowed me to go to Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

I was granted scholarship in one of the universities there.

I thought it was a great timing to forget and move on.

But I had no intention of moving on.

I was just hoping to be in a new atmosphere and heal this pain that never seems to heal.

But before I went abroad, I shamelessly went to Hana's parents.

I was so embarrassed to go but didn't want to go far away knowing they're still furious over what I did to their beloved daughter.

When I came to them, I apologized and begged for forgiveness.

I didn't say I didn't do on purpose what I did to Hana, being heartless and mean, because in reality it was still my fault.

Hana's father hugged me until he forgave me, same with her mom.

He said he wasn't expecting me to come to them and apologize, ask forgiveness in person but alhamdu li'llaah I was able to do all of that.

Hana wasn't in their house when I visited them.

That day, I had only one wish: To see her even if it's only for a moment.

I wasn't able to control myself so I went to her school.

I went for a peek in her class.

I saw her sitting.

She was so silent.

I didn't want to leave when I saw her.

I just wanted to stare at her all day..

But I know it's not allowed since she wasn't my wife anymore.

I don't deserve to even look at her for my own happiness.

So I left even if I didn't want to.

I left with the heaviest of heaviests heart.

My heart almost blew up out of pain while leaving her.

There was no tears that fell but I almost can't breathe out of pain.

It was so hard... and painful.

When I got home, I went directly to my room.

I locked myself and let myself drown in tears.

I was like a girl crying.

Yes, that's how men love. We pour so much. It's not true that we don't cry. It just depends on how strong we are on the inside.

And during those times, I couldn't hold it in anymore.

***

Alhamdu li'llaah, before leaving I made sure to apologize to everyone who I have hurt.

Despite not being able to face Hana, I was able to leave a letter for her.

***

:')