My heart froze when my eyes caught Cole's body collapsing and I felt my lungs stop working for a second as I quickly stood up and rushed towards him without having to think twice.

Terror sucked the very breath from my mouth as I tried my best to think straight.

Coach's words rang through my head all of a sudden, "Lay them over their backs the second you see that they have fainted,"

I didn't take more than a split second to rest Cole over his back away from the broken glass. Panic was rising in my chest as my pulse beat in my ears, blocking out all other sounds, including Livi's hyperventilating.

I could see her freaking out and crouching down beside me from the corner of my eyes but I couldn't really focus on anything other than my best friend lying unconscious in front of me and the horrifying thoughts going through my mind.

I can't lose him.

He can't- I ca-

I can't breathe.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Breathe.

In.. out...

"lift their legs above heart level to aid blood flow to the brain,"

My eyes stung as I raised his legs.

I choked on my own breath.

"Call an ambulance if they don't wake up 70 seconds after they fainted,"

...60

A cold wave embalmed me as the hairs rose on the back of my neck and my mouth ran dry when I was suddenly hit with the flashbacks.

Fuck.

Cole's gonna leave you.

He's gonna leave you.

He won't wake u-

NO.

...55

I kept raising his legs as I tried my best to breathe through my nose.

The flashbacks kept hitting me.

"MOMMY NO! PLEASE!" They kept dragging me away. "W-why?"

Her eyes burned into m-

FUCK! STOP!

...50

Wake up, Cole...

He won-

FUCKING STOP.

...45

"Ellie?" I whimpered. "Ellie, what's happening?"

"Take him away,"

I held on to her hand and squeezed it as if my life depended on it. "Dani-"

STOP.

...40

I felt a hand land on my shoulders and two tears slipped past my eyes.

Waves of pain washed through my mind and I looked down at Cole.

I could hear the sound of someone's voice next to me but my mind just couldn't comprehend anything around me. It was all just a blur.

Just like when they...

... 35

"CHRISTIAN STOP! YOU'RE GONNA KILL HIM!" I heard her yell from th-

I shook my head.

... 30

I watched as Cole's chest rose and fell. He was breathing; he won't leav-

He's gonna leave you. Just like they left. Just like Olivia wil-

I still can't breathe.

...25

"It's alright Blakey, they're just here to take you to school. Everything will be fine. We can't drop you off today, okay. honey?"

I didn't reply, just like the other million times they talked to me or tried to make conversation, words just stopped leaving my mouth after what happened that day.

"Told you he's fuckin' broken,"

My stomach churned over and I felt sick for this brief moment.

...20

"I'm sorry we can't handle it anymore,"

I squeezed my eyes shut and held onto Cole's arm. I was frozen in my spot while I heard shuffling beside me.

Livi was probably confused.

"D-don't call the ambulance," I managed to choke out. I heard the shuffling stop.

...15

"Can't be fixe-"

I managed to shake the thoughts away all of a sudden and opened my blurry eyes as I tried my hardest to breathe.

I stared down at Cole and was about to make a move to perform CPR the second I saw him stop breathing but stopped when...

...10

He opened his eyes.

Olivia was quick to rush towards him and everything suddenly went back to being blurry.

I watched Cole sit up, looking fine and way better than he did two minutes ago, but my brain still couldn't comprehend anything.

A single tear escaped my right eye and traveled down my cheek as my breath got caught in my throat.

"Take him back..."

It triggered the flashbacks, and now they won't go away.

Now that Cole was okay, I could no longer control my hands; they were shaking in an odd trembling rhythm.

I stood up, looked down at Cole's face, and locked eyes with him for a split second before my feet took me away and I found myself in my room, on the floor, with my back pressed up against the door and my knees brought close to my chest.

I clutched my head and choked on nothing as the flashbacks struck me, leaving my body shaking uncontrollably.

"He's a fucking broken, traumatized one."

More tears escaped my stinging eyes.

"Take him away..."

I can't breathe.

I feel trapped; like I am suffocating in the midst of my escape. It felt like my lungs just stopped functioning again and my heart was beating ten timed harder and faster than normal.

I couldn't think properly. All my fucked up mind could do was go back to the traumatizing years.

Tears couldn't stop running down my face

"Stop fucking crying. Men don't cry. Davy just left for the grocery store."

I heard knocking from the door, which I still had my back pressed up against, and I sucked in a breath. I couldn't focus on the voices behind the wood.

Pills. I needed my meds.

I looked around through my watery eyes.

I stood up shakily and rummaged through every fucking drawer in my room. I couldn't find them.

The fucking pills.

I can't- I can't find them.

Fuck.

I let my body collapse near my bed and rested my back against it as I shook harder.

"Take him away..."

"Is he fucking mute or what?"

"He's too broken..."

"No wonder his parents didn't w-"

"SHUT UP!" I yelled with a broken voice. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

I clutched my hair and pulled. I can't take it anymore.

I need...

Fuck I don't know.

I need...

Mothe-

She's not fucking here.

Fathe-

He doesn't want you.

I need...

Elli-

She left you.

Davy-

He couldn't handle you.

I cried and looked down, my eyes catching the sight of the colorful childish bracelet wrapped around my wrist.

Olivia.

Fuck.

I need...

Her.

I need Oliv-

"Blake? Blake, what's going on?"

My head shot up so quickly and my heart clenched when I saw her.

Livi.

She was standing there, the door was closed behind her as she stood and looked at me worriedly. She eyed my face and I couldn't control the next sob that left my mouth.

"Men don't cry..."

I'm such a pussy.

The tears kept flowing and suddenly Olivia was next to me in a blink of an eye, holding me.

I wrapped my arms around her and stuffed my face in her neck, trying my best to breathe as my lips quivered and my body trembled.

"Take him a-"

I can't take this anymore.

My heart rate accelerated even more as I clutched the back of Olivia's shirt and choked don't multiple breaths.

"Hey," Olivia whispered and made a move to pull back but I clutched onto her harder, scared that she would leave.

"Blake, breathe. Take a deep breath from your nose," She whispered soothingly into my ear while I continued to hold onto her like a child. I really am a fucking pussy.

I wetted her shirt with more of my tears as the flashbacks kept invading my head. Though Livi's presence was slowly helping pull my consciousness back while she hugged me tightly.

I slowly began to calm down and took deep breaths but stopped when I felt her pull away. My eyes went back to watering and my lips trembled like a fucking baby.

I calmed down again when I saw her still in front of me and I felt her hand caress my cheeks to wipe my salty tears away. She brushed the locks of hair that had landed over my eyebrows and I leaned my cheek against her hand as I took more deep breaths.

My heart suddenly froze again...

Cole.

"C-Cole... Where is he? Wh-"

"Shh, shh, it's alright, he's fine- perfect actually, he was just really dizzy from multiple things including his lack of sleep and poor intake of food and stress... he's okay now, he's drinking some cold water and washing his face. It's all okay Blake, everything's okay."

He's not leaving me.

She kept caressing my cheek and brushing my hair away from my face softly, calming me down again. I pulled her into my arms again and she didn't hesitate to wrap her arms around me and squeeze me back.

My breaths were back to being even as I breathed in her gardenia scent from her neck and stuffed my face further into it.

She dug her fingers into my hair from the back and stroked it, playing with the baby hairs at my nape and I held back a sigh from the feeling.

We heard the door creak open from our side and I quickly turned my head against Livi's shoulder to check if Cole was alright. I needed reassurance after all.

He smiled when he saw us and my lips began to slowly tug upwards into a weak smile as he made his way over to us and embraced us both at the same time.

I pulled back a second later, with Livi's hand interlocked with mine, and looked at Cole. We locked eyes and he pursed his lips, "I'm sorry... for worrying you guys. I didn- I feel way better now, by the way... it's just that I'm fucking- I don't know, tired? I'm stressed and tired and was dizzy and I don't kn-"

"We're taking you to the hospital," I said, my voice was hoarse.

"What?" He knit his brows. "No, Blake... I'm fine, I told you, I'm just-"

I didn't let him finish... I couldn't control it though. "I don't care, we're taking you to the hospital or doctor, Cole. People don't just faint like that out of nowhere, you need a checkup."

Cole shook his head, "But we're in lockdown, Blake. I'm glad you didn't call the freaking ambulance or something, the hospital would be filled with corona-infected people and it's understaffed... didn't you hear? We can't go there unless it's an emergency."

I shook my head too, "There's no way in hell we're brushing past this. We'll wait a few days or something and then take you to the hospital if you insist, but we're not avoiding going there, you hear me?" I didn't wanna sound like an ass but I was fucking worried.

Cole sighed and nodded his head. "We're also searching up what the fuck might have caused that... your face was pale the entire day, Cole."

"Now that right there was because I didn't eat shit and was stressed, I promise it's not anything else."

"And your headaches?" Olivia asked.

"Sleep-deprived," Cole answered, it looked like he was actually telling us the truth. "it always happens- Blake knows that too..."

That made sense, I guess.

"Will you please sleep now, Cole?" Olivia asked in her cute soft voice, making my heart melt. God, I loved her so much.

Cole smiled at her and nodded, "I will, I'm tired as fuck,"

"Skip school tomorrow, too," I added, causing Cole to grin.

"Fuck yeah I fucking will,"

Olivia and I laughed lightly and I thought about how these two were able to lift my mood up so quickly. My cheeks were still stained but they didn't pay any mind to it as Cole talked about some dude named Rob and how he looked like a wet ballsack.

♛

I took a glance at myself in my bathroom mirror and decided to wash my face again... for the fifth time.

My cheeks were no longer stained with tears and my eyes were dry, the only evidence of my breakdown was my red nose and I'm guessing the rosy color will take half an hour or so to disappear.

I sighed and my mind couldn't help but think about the adorable blonde beauty in my room, only a few feet away from where I was standing in my ensuite bathroom. The door was closed but I already knew that she slowly was swinging her legs as she sat over my bed and was definitely fiddling with her fingers while nibbling on her bottom lip.

My stomach fluttered just imaging her doing that and I ran my fingers through my hair. I told her to wait a few minutes for me to freshen up...

I promised her I'd explain everything.

Everything as in my childish mental breakdowns and what the fuck triggered them.

I wanted to tell her, so badly, but at the same time, I couldn't help but think about how she'll think of me afterward?

The condition is literally mostly in fucking children and she'll think I'm some stupid pussy who just gets scared at everything.

My blood ran cold for half a second when a thought crossed my mind...

I'm going to have to tell her what caused the anxiety, what caused everything- I'm going to have to tell her about my childhood.

I shuddered; that's not gonna be easy.

I took a deep breath and washed my face again before drying it with a towel and fixing my messy hair.

It'll all be okay.

What if she leaves me after I tell her?

No, she won't.

Plus... we're in fucking lockdown.

That made me kind of giddy, not gonna fucking lie, being stuck with her. It gave me the slightest bit of reassurance.

Lockdown already helped me build a relationsh- Holy shit I kissed her.

Thrice.

Never fails to surprise the shit out of me and turn every single organ of mine to mush.

I kissed Olivia Davis.

I smiled.

I. Kissed. Livi.

My lips tugged upward even more.

She didn't push me away. She kissed me back.

My heart rate accelerated at the memory and I couldn't help but smile even more. I remember how I freaked out and jumped all over my room after carrying her to her bed after our first kiss. I was so happy- I still am... but a small part of me was still terrified of her rejecting me.

I remember the second time I kissed her, I almost passed out like a thirteen-year-old fangirl after meeting Justin Beiber.

While Cole was counting down like an idiot, my heart was beating so fast and I was contemplating whether to run to her room and smash my lips on hers or not and I'm fucking glad I did.

And the third time, well, let's just say the thing in my pants stood up for democracy.

Actually... if I'm being completely honest, I got a fucking boner each and every single time. I just suffered a little- well, A LOT during the third time.

I still can't get the sound of her cute giggles as I tickled her out of my head. Her hair was sprawled on the floor at that moment, revealing every detail of her face as she laughed and I loved it.

I shook my head to bring myself back to reality and took another deep breath before opening my bathroom door and looking up at the cutest sight ever.

She really was swinging her legs, fiddling with her fingers, and nibbling her lips as she waited for me.

She looked up with those perfect hazel eyes of hers when I smiled at her, making my heart skip a few beats. She smiled back at me and I began to walk towards her. I noticed her move a lock of hair towards the other edge of her face and I held back an angry expression at that. I hated when she did that, I hated when she hid her face from me because of her insecurities.

I forced myself to brush it off, just for now, so I wouldn't get pissed, and I sat down beside her on the bed, crossing my legs. "Sorry for making you wait a while," I apologized.

She shook her head and moved to face me on the bed, crossing her legs too. "It's fine. You didn't take too long."

I smiled at her again and she once again smiled back. "You know, you don't have to do this, I'm not forcing you to tell me anything..." She started but I quickly shushed her, shaking my head.

"No, I want to tell you. I need to. Plus, I'm the one who suggested telling you, I know you're not forcing me, Muffin."

She nodded her head and I breathed to calm my nerves down. My hand twitched over the mattress, next to her small one, and I don't know if she read my mind for a moment or something, but my stomach went fucking crazy when I saw her move her hand over to mine and I almost passed out when she interlocked our hands... yes, I'm that dramatic.

But can you blame me? I was holding hands with Olivia Davis.

You also kissed her.

I also fucking kissed her.

And no, I'm never getting over those three kisses. So shut the fuck up.

Great, my heart was fucking dancing again.

She squeezed my hand, bringing me back to reality, and I smiled weakly before internally telling myself to get my shit together, man up, and stop being a little bitch so I could tell her everything.

I parted my lips to start speaking but then shut them.

Where the fuck do I start?

"I- You know..." I just began.

Olivia gave me a look that told me she was eager to hear what I wanted to say but at the same time, she didn't wanna rush me and wanted me to take my time.

I chuckled, "I have anxiety too, Muffin- I'm actually diagnosed with a certain disorder..." She's gonna think I'm a baby when I tell her.

I didn't really expect Olivia to be shocked by this since the way I was acting a few minutes ago was really similar to how she would act while having an attack but the almost surprised look that took over her adorable face proved me wrong.

"Like me?" She whispered a few seconds later, there was some kind of emotion behind those two words that I wasn't quite able to catch.

"Yes, Livi, just not Panic Disorder," She didn't question how I knew she was diagnosed with that and I'm guessing she already knew I was aware of it.

"Then what is it?" She questioned.

I smiled at her confused expression and brushed my thumb over her knuckles. Why was I so terrified of telling her?

I'll just blurt it out I guess, wasn't that how Cole first told her about his Bipolar?

No, I can't do that.

Okay, how the fuck do I say this?

She squeezed my hand again, making my chest warm up, and I sighed, "Have you ever heard of- fuck. The disorder, it's often thought of as something that only children deal with- well wait, I kind of was a child when it started but it kind of stuck to me since everyone just kept making it fucking worse by leavi- adults can have it to- Fuck! Sorry..." I looked down at the sheets. I WAS SO DAMN NERVOUS.

Olivia scooted close to me and brought a hand of hers to cup my cheek, tilting my head upwards so I could see her. Her cheeks tinted when she realized she actually did that and I held back a smile as I leaned my cheek against her hand.

"It's okay, I won't judge you, Blake. You don't need to get yourself all bothered, I promise I won't judge." She said in a barely audible low voice.

"I have Post-traumatic stress disorder from abandonment and separation anxiety,"

Well, that was chill, I guess.

Fuck, no it wasn't.

Fuck! Fuck! Why did I say that? I sounded so- FUCK! she definitely thinks I'm a fucking child because of the seperati-