I stared at my phone through teary eyes and declined Luke's nineteenth call. I gazed at the little device a little longer and activated airplane mode before setting the phone down on the bedside table and lying down on my other side.

My body shook and I placed my hand over my mouth to silence my sobs. Today's December 30th, 2019.

The anniversary.

Today marks seven years since the death of my parents.

I woke up from a nightmare four hours ago at ten in the morning and I haven't slept or left my room since then. I've been crying nonstop for hours and Luke has been trying to reach me since twelve.

I've been pressing my palm against my mouth for most of the time and I mentally thanked god that the boys weren't able to hear my sobs.

My heart hurts so much.

I can't get the memories of that night out of my head- knowing that it happened on this very day.

A thought grazed my mind and my glassy eyes widened.

Corona.

Lockdown.

Mom and dad,

The cemetery.

I can't visit them.

My breathing hitched and I sat up shakily. A gallon of more tears started escaping my eyes and traveling down my wet face.

I can't visit my very own parents on their death day.

A strangled and choked sob left my mouth and I felt my throat get sore and tighten from how hard I was crying.

I won't be able to get them camellias and blue irises.

They won't have anyone to visit them and drop flowers over them. They won't have anyone to kiss their gravestones. They won't have their own daughter or son to remind them how much they love and miss them.

I can't tell them about this month's events and fill them up on my feeling towards the people around me.

I collapsed back down at the bed and shot my hand back over my mouth as I tried my best to breathe through my nose while I cried harshly.

I turned to my side so I was facing the window and buried half of my face into my pillow. It hurts.

I heard a few knocks coming from my door behind me and I held my breath in to stop any sobs from letting out. I ignored the knocks coming from the door and my body continued shaking uncontrollably as I silently suffered.

"Livi?" I heard a soft voice say from the other side of the door.

I ignored him.

"Ollie, can we come in?" Another voice asked.

I couldn't focus on their voices. I just continued to cry.

"Olivia?" Blake's voice showed worry.

A hiccup escaped through my lips because of my crying and I tried blinking my tears since they were blocking my vision.

"Olivia, we're coming in, okay?" Blake said.

I tried my best to wipe my tears but new ones just kept replacing them. I heard the door open from behind me and my body just kept shaking against the bed without my control.

"Livi," I heard Blake and Cole's rushed footsteps approach and they were crouched down in front of me in a matter of seconds with Cole wiping the tears of one cheek with one hand and Blake wiping the tears of the other cheek with his right hand while the other one was running through my hair.

I looked up at them through puffy red eyes and my bottom lip trembled, I couldn't hold my cries anymore.

"Shh, it's okay, we're here Olivia, it's okay," The both of them sat on my bed and gently pulled me up from laying down. Blake stuffed my face into his chest and Cole embraced me from the back before kissing my head from behind.

I clutched onto Blake's shirt and continued to dampen it while he kissed my forehead and temple and brushed his fingers through my hair, "It's alright, let it out Muffin," he whispered into my ear. "it's all going to be alright."

Cole rubbed my back and pulled back from embracing me for a second to grab a tissue from the nightstand. He handed the tissue to Blake while still rubbing my back and then went back to squeezing me not too tightly.

"I- I c-cant visit th..." My voice was hoarse, shaky, low, and it kept breaking. My chest tightened and the intensity of all the emotions that were pent up in me was so strong that I felt it send my body into overdrive.

I was nauseous all of a sudden and a familiar weird feeling in my stomach was showing up. I found it hard to breathe and I quickly pulled away from the boys and collapsed to the floor, my stomach was churning.

I rushed to the trashcan at the corner of my room and my whole body continued to shake as I felt all the contents of my stomach escape through my mouth and go into the trash can.

I hadn't realized that Blake and Cole were on either side of me until I felt Blake hold my hair and move it away from my face and felt Cole's hands rub against my back, which did a slightly good job at making me feel better.

I continued to puke my guts out inside the trashcan until my stomach went completely empty and I almost collapsed from my lack of energy but Cole was here to hold me from behind. Blake let my hair go and brushed my locks behind my ears before he and Cole helped me up, letting me lean most of my weight against Cole.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, tears were still running down my face as they took me to the bathroom.

"Shh, shh, it's alright. Try not to speak; it'll hurt your throat- Cole could you get a glass of water?" A lock of hair landed on my teary face and Blake once again gently tucked it back in its place.

Cole nodded his head, "On it." He let me lean my body against Blake and Blake immediately wrapped his other arm around me and continued to walk me to the bathroom while Cole rushed to the kitchen.

Once we reached the bathroom, Blake took me to the sink and kept an arm around my waist while the other one started the faucet for me. I rinsed my mouth, holding in my sobs, and Blake closed the faucet when I was done.

"Be careful- Here, sit over here." He whispered ever so softly as he made me sit over the toilet's closed lid.

More salty tears kept running down my face and I watched Blake turn to the faucet again and wet a small face towel with water. He then grabbed a dry one and turned around to face me again.

He crouched down to my level, softly wiping all of the dried tears on my cheeks, eyes, neck, and lastly, beneath my nose.

Fewer tears were leaving my eyes now but I still felt like I was suffocating and my heart still feels like it's getting stabbed and ripped apart repeatedly.

Blake held my face with one hand and dried my cheeks using the dry face towel with his other hand. Once he was done doing that, he threw the towels to the laundry basket from where he was crouching down in front of me and pressed his other hand against my other cheek.

He gently wiped directly beneath my eyes, where a few drops of tears were traveling, and gazed at me through empathic eyes. My chest shook and he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly, stuffing my face into his neck and letting me dampen his smooth skin.

"I got the water," Cole showed up a few seconds later and Blake turned his head towards him and nodded.

"Come on Livi," Blake helped me up and walked me to my room with Cole following right behind us.

Blake sat me down on the bed and Cole took a seat beside me with the glass of water in hand. He made a move to hand it to me but stopped when he eyed my shaking body.

Blake held my chin so I could look at his crouching-down figure. "Take a deep breath, Olivia- just how I told you last time, keep taking it in until I tell you to let it out, do you think you can do that?"

I didn't reply to him and just stared at my lap, my lips were trembling and my chest was heaving. Blake took the glass of water from Cole's hold. He tilted my head up using the fingers he hed my chin with and looked into my glassy eyes.

He brought the glass of water to my quivering lips after looking at me and silently asking if he could bring it near them. "Try drinking it," He whispered and I opened my mouth and placed my shaking hand over his one, which was holding the cup. He helped me drink most of the water and set the glass down on the nightstand.

I wiped my mouth with my wrist and looked down at my trembling lap again. I couldn't get the image of my parents' faces an hour before the fire took place off of my head.

How dad was teasing mom in front of me right before they told me to get ready for bed so they could read me a story.

How mom was trying her best to hide her smile and act annoyed in front of dad. He definitely noticed that and that's probably why he kissed her forehead and whispered how much he loved her later before kissing mine and telling me the exact same thing.

I remember how half an hour before that, we were all sitting in the living room talking to Luke over the phone's speaker and telling him goodnight; he was using Fred's home telephone.

We were all so happy that night. Mom had promised me that she'd make me her famous chocolate chip pancakes the next morning.

It hurts so much.

I can hardly breathe.

My chest shook and more tears escaped my eyes.

I can't visit them.

I won't be able to visit them next month either. Or the month after that.

"Ollie please breathe," Cole's whispered plead brought me back to reality.

I tried taking a deep breath but failed, my chest shook harder and my eyes were starting to get stingy from how long I've been crying.

Blake held my hands, rubbing my knuckles with his thumbs, and Cole hugged me from the side, "It's okay, take a deep breath from your nose," Cole whispered into my ear.

I tried to take a deep breath while my body kept shaking, but realized that I couldn't because of my snot-filled nose.

Blake quickly grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and handed it to me. I blew my nose the same time Blake stood up. I didn't pay that much attention to it as I shifted in my seat and Cole got an opportunity to hug me properly instead from the side.

I stuffed my face into Cole's shoulder and took deep breaths, I noticed Blake walking towards my trashcan, which still had my sick in it. He lifted it up before carrying it outside my room, not showing any signs of disgust on his face as he held it.

"There you go," Cole rubbed my back when he noticed I was taking deep breaths. "keep going, Liv."

I took another shaky breath and let it out. I shifted my head against Cole's shoulder and pressed my cheek against it, gazing at my room's open door while tears continued to escape my eyes.

Blake showed up a minute later and he stopped at the room's entrance when he saw me looking at him in my vulnerable state. A few locks of hair had fallen over his forehead. He gave me a soft small smile and walked over to the bed, Cole was still rubbing my back.

Blake sat beside us and hugged me too. I kept taking deep breaths in and I suddenly felt exhausted. I wasn't sleepy at all, I was just drained.

I think the boys noticed that because Blake fluffed my pillow and they both pulled away from me. "Lie down, Muffin."

"I d-don't wanna sleep," I whispered, my heart skipped three beats at the thought of how I most definitely will suffer through a nightmare after falling asleep. It might even trigger a panic attack and I really don't wanna go through that today.

"You don't need to sleep, Olivia. Just lay down so you're comfortable." Cole said.

I noticed that my breathing had almost completely gone back to normal and my crying had stopped. I was left with a shaking body and a pained heart.

I nodded my head at Cole, sniffling, and slowly lied back down. The boys moved to sit on either side of me and Blake ran his fingers through my hair while Cole grabbed my hand for comfort.

A few minutes of comfortable silence passed and my heart rate calmed down. Cole's phone rang from his room and he gave my hand a small squeeze before getting up to go check who has been constantly calling him.

I stared at the ceiling in front of me, frozen in my place. I don't have any more tears left but I still felt like complete and utter shit.

"How are you feeling?" Blake asked in a gentle tone while still stroking my hair. "You haven't eaten anything since yesterday."

I averted my gaze to him and just gazed at him without saying a word. He gazed back at me for a second and sighed, "You need to eat something, Muffin."

I didn't reply and looked away; I didn't feel like eating anything.

"I'm gonna go make you a sandwich," Blake pulled his hand away from my hair and leaned down to kiss it. He made a move to get off of the bed but the sound of my small, barely audible whimper stopped him and he looked back at me with sad eyes.

He was going to say something when Cole walked into the room with his phone in hand, "Olivia?"

I averted my gaze from Blake's olive eyes to Cole's ocean blue ones. "Luke's been trying to call you for hours."

"I know," I whispered hoarsely.

"Do you wanna talk to him now?" Cole asked.

I thought about that for a second and nodded my head. It's not fair of me to do that to him and ignore him since I know that today's super painful for him too, but as hard as things are for him, he still kept calling me to make sure I'm doing alright even though it's his parents' deathday too.

Cole nodded his head back and walked over to where I was lying down. Blake tucked my hair behind my ear for the millionth time today and got off of the bed, "I'm gonna go make us something to eat," he informed us.

Cole handed me the phone and gave me a small smile before patting my hair gently and walking out, closing the door on his way out.

♛

"What's for dinner?" Blake asked Cole from where he was sitting on the floor. It was currently nine in the afternoon and we were all sitting in the living room with each other. Blake and Cole were trying to get my mind off of everything and they brought all the board games to the room and set them on the coffee table.

"I don't know, I was thinking- fuck." Cole breathed.

"What?"

"I was gonna say we could fucking order something but remembered we're in fucking lockdown."

I laughed a little and they both shot their head towards me and widened their eyes. It's probably because it's the first time I've laughed or smiled since yesterday. They both smiled at me and my cheeks started to tint.

"Well," Cole said a few seconds later, "I guess we're gonna have to cook something."

"I'm not in the mood," Blake groaned and threw his head back, leaning it against the couch behind him.

"Me neither honestly," Cole said before we all fell into silence.

"Tuna salad?" Blake broke the silence a minute later.

Cole and I nodded, "Tuna salad."

"Aight, go make it, Cole." Blake's head was still thrown back.

"Fuck off you go make it yourself," Cole replied.

"But you're gonna eat it too," Blake said.

"Shut the fuck up,"

"No, go make the tuna salad."

"I don't want to," Cole groaned.

"Well, that's too bad. Go make it, it only takes five minutes."

"Then why don't you prepare it?" Cole scowled at Blake.

"Because..."

"Because?"

"I don't fucking want to get up,"

Cole groaned and got up from the floor. He walked over to Blake, kicked him, and started walking out, "You didn't say the fucking magic words."

"Suck my dick," Blake said.

"Kiss my ass," Cole replied.

"Nah I'm good."

We heard Cole groan again from the kitchen before we heard the sounds of the cabinets opening and closing and the clinking of plates.

Blake grinned and adjusted his head so he could look at me. "He's gonna hold this against me in the future,"

"He definitely will," I nodded my head and pursed my lips together.

"Y'know," Blake lowered his voice so Cole can't hear us "it's his birthday tomorrow."

My eyes widened. "December 31st?"

Blake lightly laughed, "I know right? He's born on the very last day of 2002, that's why he's in your grade and not mine."

I knit my brows, "I don't understand, why would they put him in the lower grade?"

"That's how the schools in Rosewood work, the cut-off day is on August 1st, anyone born after that goes to the lower grade."

"Oh," How come I didn't know that? "He didn't mention anything about tomorrow being his birthday."

Blake nodded his head, "Yeah, I've been acting like I forgot about it the entire day, he probably thinks I'm a jerk."

"He knows you're a jerk,"

Blake fake gasped. "Ouch,"

"Shut up, you know it's true."

"Know what's true?" Cole showed up out of nowhere.

"That he's an ass," I said.

"Correction: a sexy ass," Blake interjected.

"The tuna salad's ready," Cole said.

"Already?" I asked,

"Yeah, I didn't have to do anything but open the tuna cans since the vegetables were already chopped. Now kindly get your asses to the kitchen," he said before walking out.

Blake and I stood up from sitting down on the floor and followed Cole to the kitchen. "Set the bowls," Cole said to us.

Blake kicked Cole's shins before going to the cabinets and grabbing bowls. I walked to the drawers and grabbed the utensils, setting them on the table.

"Did you guys ever get finish the Marvel marathon?" Cole asked us after we all sat down at the table.

I dug my fork into the tuna and shook my head no. "We reached Ant-Man and the Wasp, which means we have like three more movies left," Blake answered.

"Wanna watch them today?" Cole took a forkful of tuna into his mouth.

Blake shrugged then nodded his head, "Yeah, I don't mind. What do you think, Muffin?"

I nodded my head too, "Sure."

♛

"Are you okay, Leprotto?" Blake whispered into my ear. We were watching Infinity War now in the living room with Cole, who was sitting on one of the recliners, and Blake and I ended up sitting next to each other on the couch with our shoulders touching.

I nodded my head before leaning it against his shoulder. His body stiffened and I quickly pulled back and felt my face heat up from embarrassment.

He said something in an inaudible volume and put his hand over my head to rest it against his shoulder.

My stomach fluttered and I bet my cheeks were still red as I stuffed one of them against his broad shoulder.

"You sure you okay?" he leaned his head over mine and shifted it.

I nodded my head again before I heard Cole say something from in front of us, his head was still facing the television. "I swear if you guys are doing kinky shit without me underneath that blanket Imma chop-" He was cut off by Blake throwing one of his slides at the back of his head.

"Headshot,"

"Fuck you,"

"Later, I'm kinda into the movie," Blake said.

"So that means you're not doing kinky shit without me?"

Blake gasped. "No, we would never do that to you."

I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and I pulled it out to check who was texting me. I looked down and saw that it was Huda.

H: How are you?

H: Wanna Facetime?

H: Hello?

H: We can just call if you want.

H: Like an audio call.

H: How are you feeling?

I tapped on the notifications and started typing a reply.

O: Hey,

O: I'm alright, I guess.

O: And no, it's fine we can Facetime. Just give me a sec.

H: Sureee.