After Patrick finished Sugar, We're Going Down, the lights on the stage dimmed so they could move their stuff off of stage. The intermission began as people began wheeling Andy's drum set off of the stage.

I don't feel the same as I do after listening to them though. I guess that's because of what today is. February 19th. Autumn's would-be birthday.

"Amazing job" I smiled, not really feeling the excitement I showed. I mentally shook my head, I can't be sad today. Autumn wouldn't want that. I focused on the incredible show they had just put on. It was the fourth show, yet I don't think I'll get bored of watching any of the bands play.

"Thanks kiddo" Patrick smiles, ruffling my hair. I don't even try to stop it anymore.

Pete gives me a sweaty hug and I push him off of me playfully.

"You're staying in our bus tonight, right?" He asks me as we walk to the lounge area so he can put his bass away.

"Yep!" I say with a grin.

"And James?"

"He's staying with AJ" I smirk, quoting James who later hastily corrected himself.

"Ooohhh" Patrick, Joe and Pete say in unison like little kids. It wasn't a well-kept secret that AJ and James seemed to be more than 'just friends'. The four of us burst into giggles-- I mean laughter and they guys head off to the showers. I leave to go find My Chem because Panic! is already on their bus, probably getting drunk.

about ten minutes of looking, I'm struck with the realization that they're probably under the stage. They normally rise from the stage as 'The Black Parade'. I close my eyes, stopping to recall the layout James had shown me in case I had gotten lost. I turned left and dashed to the door and staircase that led below the stage.

"Hi 'Via" Ray says, the first to see me.

"Hi" I grin at him, giving him a little hug.

"Ray, we- oh hey Oli" Mikey says, walking towards us. "We're gonna be lifted upstage soon, wanna come with?" He asks. My anxiety is telling me no, but something else is saying yes. A thought pops into my mind, Autumn would love this, love to be here, being with the band. I refuse to be sad today, she wouldn't want that.

I go with the rest of me and nod, realizing that I was wearing the Black Parade jacket Frank had given me at the tart of tour. I rotated wearing merch at shows and today was a Black Parade day.

"Alright" Mikey smiles, guiding me to the platform. Bob and Ray stand near the back of the platform, and Frank and Gee are nearby. The couple sees Mikey and I and get into the platform.

"I'm guessing that Olivia is joining us?" Frank remarks, and Mikey nods. Mikey positions me in between him and Gee, in front of Bob and Ray, and behind Frank.

"Wait, she's just taller than Frank" Bob comments, and he's right, in about two inches taller than the rhythm guitarist.

"I got this" I say confidently before plopping down and sitting cross-legged. I look up to the band members and give them two thumbs up. They laugh at me and I smile back.

Soon, the platform began to rise, and the roaring of the crowd gets louder. The fans are screaming by the time the platform stops rising. The band member step apart, as if they were military members, and reveal me. The crowd roars louder.

Gee turns towards me, bowing and offering me their hand with a grin. I take it and smile back, standing up. They leads me with him over to the microphone and addresses the crowd.

"Hello Denver city!" Gee announces and the crowd screams. "How are you all doing tonight?" Their response is more, happy, screams.

"This is our lil' girl Olivia! She was adopted by a good friend of ours at the start of tour!" The crowd screams again, and they sound happy. I wave shyly at them, beaming at the energy they're putting out.

the show, I move around the stage. I start out near Ray, then I move over to Mikey, then Bob, then other places around the stage. Sometimes Gee or Frank will venture over to where I am, and sometimes I sit on the edge of the stage on the sides.

Gee finishes Famous Last Words, but the band keeps playing. It's the not same thing they play quietly while Gee is shouting into the crowd. It takes me a while to realize that they're playing Romance from Bullets. I smile nostalgically, remembering when Autumn and I would listen to that album together. I haven't listened since.

"We have one last song for you guys" Gee announces, and Frank comes over to me. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and leads me to his boyfriend. "A little tribute to Olivia here. Today's a special, sad day for our little girl, and little a birdie told us that she wasn't feeling too good." The crowd makes noises of sympathy and I flush. "There's a special little song we'd like to play."

A thought comes to mind. I know what song they're going to play. And I know who told them that they should play it. I've never appreciated Ann more.

"I never said I'd lie and wait forever

If I died, we'd be together

I can't always just forget her

But she could try."

I remember nights, hoping that I could just fall asleep and not wake up. Or nights falling asleep and wishing that I would wake up with her near me, it all being a bad dream.

"At the end of the world or the last thing I see

You are, never coming home, never coming home

Could I? Should I?

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever ever-"

Her funeral, where it really began to hit me. She's never, ever coming back.

"Ever get the feeling that you're never all alone?

And I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms, she dies

She dies"

After it sunk in, I just felt alone. I even pushed Ann away for a while. I dreamt of seeing her in the room we had shared. I was the one who had found her, she was barely alive, but too far gone to be saved. I held her hand the moment she died.

"At the end of the world or the last thing I see

You are, never coming home, never coming home

Could I? Should I?

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Never coming home, never coming home."

All of the things we hand told each other. Every memory now turned bittersweet.

"Could I? Should I?

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me

For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me."

I remember wanting to join her. I remember rubbing shaving razors between my fingers until they bled. But I did nothing else. I have a few scars on my fingertips now.

"If I fall

If I fall (down)

Woah, woah!

Woah. woah!

Woah, woah!

Woah, woah!"

Falling. Falling into grief. A bottomless pit where I moved emotionlessly, mechanically through my day. It felt like my happiness had been gone.

"At the end of the world or the last thing I see

You are, never coming home, never coming home

Never coming home, never coming home."

I would never see her again. Not until we meet in whatever death holds.

"And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever going to haunt me

Never coming home, never coming home."

I had accepted that now. She was never coming home. But I wasn't going to join her.

"Could I? Should I?

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me

For all the ghosts that are never gonna..."

She was my ghost. And I would never forget her. But I needed to keep going.

Gee had held me tight to them throughout the song, and even wiped away a few of my tears as I cried. "Thank you and goodnight Denver!" They shouted, and walked with me off stage. "Olivia I-" they begin to say something but I cut them off.

"Thank you" I say, hugging them tightly. "Thank you so much. That song was one of the most important things I used to help myself get better. Thank you, thank you." I murmured into his jacket.

"No problem, sweetheart" he said, hugging me and rubbing my back.