⚠️

"Everyone hates me," I told Mikey over the phone. I wish that was my only problem, but it's nowhere near to being my only problem. I'd list all my issues, but it'd take too long.

I caught my uncle Mikey off-guard, I realize by the way he stammers, "What? No— no they don't. No one hates you."

"Yeah, they do. No one at school could stand to be around me, I have no friends, Gerard hates me now for lots of reasons, and I can't see why you and Frank and Ray wouldn't too." Tears sting my eyes, but I blink them away quickly.

"First of all, Gee loves you, like he promised you today. He talks about you all the time and how great you are, and Frank and Ray do too. And I can assure you, Evelyn, that I don't hate you."

"You could be lying." I've been lied to before, so it's only reasonable that I assume the worst now, too.

"I'm not lying. I promise you, I'm not lying. You. Are. Loved."

"But I- I really fucked up this time. And- and I'm scared Gerard's gonna yell at me and... oh, Mikey, he definitely hates me."

"Eve, you... you messed up, yeah." He confirms what I already know. "Gee definitely isn't happy about it, but I swear he doesn't hate you. It's not gonna be a fun conversation, that's for sure. He's gonna tell you... well, about a lot of stuff you didn't know. And he's definitely gonna make sure it doesn't happen again, but you just need to listen to him and talk to him. He won't yell at you, though."

"What- what do you mean he's gonna tell me about stuff?" I'm starting to really dread this upcoming conversation more than ever. Not to mention regret my own actions, and even calling Mikey in the first place.

"I have to let him tell you himself, but don't worry too much." Don't worry too much? I could've laughed. Maybe Mikey doesn't really know me. Of course he doesn't. No one knows the real me. The real, fucked up, me with the voice in my head and the fucked up thoughts and fucked up past and— well, Raven and Krash and Zero know about that last part, but I don't really want to think about them. When I don't say anything, Mikey adds, "No one hates you, really, Eve. You messed up, but it's gonna be okay."

I sigh, but again I say nothing. Maybe he is telling the truth? He sounds sincere enough... No, Evelyn, of course he's not telling the truth. No one could love— no one could even like a stupid, pathetic, disgusting girl like you.

Stop.

You are worthless. You bring nothing but trouble and worry to the people around you.

Stop it. Shut up.

You ruined your relationship with Emerald before it even began, and now you've shattered that with Gerard as well. You fucked up any chance at having friends today, and everyone else is disappointed in you. When will you learn?

"Evelyn?" The voice on the other end of the line pipes up again carefully.

"Mikey, help me, p-please."

"What is it, Eve?" Mikey asks nervously.

"It just- it won't shut up."

"W-what?"

"It won't shut up!" I cry again. "I just want it to shut up. Why won't it shut up?" I ramble, knowing he won't understand what I mean. "I want it all to stop, Mikey. Why won't it stop?" I'm pleading, my voice shaking, and tears have started to run down my face. I don't bother wiping them away anymore.

"Hey, it's okay, Eve. What won't stop?"

"Everything. I want everything to stop. I don't wanna be like this anymore, I- I don't wanna do this anymore." I'm now sobbing into the phone, and my head is screaming at me, telling me not to be so weak. That's just what I am, though: weak.

"Hey, no, Evelyn, listen to me." He sounds panicked now, but like he's trying to keep his voice calm for my sake. "Don't say that. I need you to go wake up Gerard, okay? I don't want you alone right now. Just go wake him up. He doesn't hate you, he won't be mad, I promise, it's all gonna be okay."

I wish people would stop saying that: It's all gonna be okay. Bullshit. I know now more than ever that that is complete and utter bullshit and there's no use in pretending otherwise. Maybe things are okay sometimes, but something always comes along to fuck it all up. It's always my fault. I just want that cycle to end.

I thought I wasn't thinking straight when I ran off from The Box, intending to go to the bridge, but now I believe I had the right idea all along.

"I- I can't, Mikey, I can't do it anymore."

"Yes you can!" Mikey says desperately. "Just go wake up Gerard now, please Evelyn. You can do it."

"I c-can't." I shake my head as more tears fall, even though he can't see me. "I can't. I don't wanna be a burden anymore," I stutter, "Th-this is stupid. I... I shouldn't have called you. I'm sorry... I'll go."

"No, Evelyn, please, don't you dare hang up the pho—"

Stupid, stupid! Why did I say all that? Why did I call him in the first place? I was fine, isolating myself. Well, not really, but I sure as hell made this more difficult for myself.

I just had to go crying to Mikey. I can never take care of my problems on my own, can I? It all goes to shit either way.

This wasn't part of my plan, dammit. It all started because I wanted to be healthier. I was supposed to become happier, not worn down to the bone. I was supposed to build a better life for myself here with an actual dad, not push him and everyone away.

I was supposed to go somewhere in life.

I throw my phone down onto my bed, thinking better than to shatter it on the floor when the sound could wake up Gerard, before shooting out of bed and stumbling blindly through the darkness to my bathroom.

I rummage around in my drawer, pushing aside that pile of lunch money, my hairbrush, and other random shit. I'm dizzy, but I finally come across just what I was looking for: a bottle of painkillers. I don't remember when I got them, or what made me save them in the bottom of a drawer in the first place, but I'm flooded with relief at the sight of the plastic container. The relief doesn't reach my fingertips though, as my hands are trembling madly as I unscrew the cap.

Why am I doing this? Because I simply don't deserve to live any longer. I count as I drop the pills into my hand. One.

I'm a waste of space. Two.

What a sad fucking life it would be to continue on this way: friendless. Three.

Future-less. Four.

And my every decision dictated in some way by food. Five.

I fucked up and Gerard hates me. Six.

And so do Frank, Ray, and Mikey. Seven, eight, nine.

Soon, I have a handful of pills which I stare at, wide eyed. My heart is beating out of my chest and I'm feeling lightheaded. Ultimately, it wasn't even the drugs that made me collapse. Pathetic.

She hung up. She fucking hung up. This is bad.

I try calling Gerard, almost dropping my phone because of how much my hands are shaking. "Come on, come on," I whisper as it rings a few times, but he doesn't pick up.

Dammit, Gerard! This is the worst time not to pick up your phone.

I guess it's all up to me.

I stick my glasses on my face, hop out of bed, and run out the door still in my pyjamas without even bothering to put on shoes. The ground outside is fucking cold on my bare feet.

I definitely broke a few laws on the road to my brother's place— going way over the speed-limit, namely— but I wasn't focusing on any of that. Only repeating my silent plea of, "Please Evelyn, don't you have done anything you'll regret."

What if she's— no. It's Evelyn, she's smart, she's strong, she'll be okay. She has to be okay. It's all gonna be okay.

Of course, when I get there, the front door is locked. I knock as loudly as I possibly can, pounding on the wood, pain growing in my knuckles with each hit, until finally the door opens revealing Gerard in a rather zombie-like state.

He takes in the scene before him: me out of breath, shoe-less, in front of his house at two in the morning. "Mikey, what the f—"

"Evelyn," I choke out.