(12/17/06, Sunday, in case you were wondering)

2AM: when the most interesting people are still awake. The artists, the addicts, and the broken ones who look only to the moon for consolation, but who never receive it.

It's also just late enough— or early, I guess— that it's becoming ridiculous that my eyes are still open and alert. But my body won't let me fall asleep. It's as though it knows something I don't. If I fall asleep will my heart stop? Maybe so, but I'll never find out because I'm just shivering under my pile of blankets, barely even able to blink.

There's way too much racing through my mind, namely the events of the past day. It was a mess and it's all my fault, and this time that's a truth that no one can deny.

I had woken up, disoriented, at the sound of Gerard's voice in a nearby room. I wasn't sure where I was, but I would soon learn it was Ray's couch that I was sleeping on.

"She fucking what!?" His yelling didn't help what I think was the worst headache I've ever experienced.

"Keep it down, Gee, she's asleep!" I heard Frank hiss.

"Keep it down?" Gerard asked incredulously. "You just told me that my daughter was out in the woods smoking and getting drunk with a few random kids. What else was she doing? Getting high? Pregnant? Jesus Christ, I'm not ready to be a grandfather." He sounded on the verge of tears.

"First of all, don't jump to conclusions," Frank said.

"Secondly," Ray interjects, "Just- just try and calm down, okay? Cause she can't hurt herself anymore now that she's asleep, alright? Let's keep it that way."

"Right," I hear Gerard sigh deeply. "Well what the fuck do I do now? I'm obviously gonna have to talk to her. I just can't believe she ran off and- and did that."

Neither could I. Yeah, maybe I was damaging myself by staying shut up in my room all the time, but wasn't that a hundred times better than running off and drinking underage? Disappointing everyone in my life? And then waking up feeling like a fucking crash test dummy? I remember what happened, but it's hazy. I know I went to The Box, I eventually got mad and stormed off before Frank and Ray found me in the park. What I remember most clearly, though, is where I was planning to storm off to.

That's how I know I really wasn't thinking straight.

I couldn't help it, I turned over and covered my throbbing head with a blanket and just started crying. I heard everyone in the other room stop talking and moving: they heard me. A few sets of footsteps approached and I heard Gerard ask hesitantly, "Evelyn?"

Not Evie. Not even Eve.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I know all four of them were standing there, probably casting nervous glances at each other, unsure of how to handle the situation. All I know is I felt like garbage and I wasn't going to say a thing. Still, they all tried to get me to speak, or at least acknowledge them, for a while, but then realized they weren't going to get anywhere. I was much too ashamed to meet anyone's eyes, and the light wasn't helping my headache anyway.

After a long moment of silence I heard Mikey mutter, "Should we just take her back, Gee?"

That's when I finally choked out a few desperate words, heartbroken but somehow not surprised at what I was hearing. "No- no please. I know you hate me now, I know, but p-please don't take me b-back." My voice cracks, "P-please."

"We gotta go home eventually, Evelyn," Gerard said.

I finally turned around, but didn't make eye contact. My crying got harder, though. "I- I thought... I thought you m-meant..."

"What did you think?" he asked gently. If he was angry at me, he was hiding it well. I watched as Mikey's facial expression turned to one of dawning before he leaned over and whispered something to his brother. Gerard's eyes widened, his mouth forming an "O" shape. "No, no Eve, I'd never take you back to an orphanage or something! You really messed up, but you're still my daughter. I love you so much. I'd never take you back."

"I- I doubt you still love me so much," I mumbled.

"I don't want to hear you saying that." He looked hurt. "I love you, I promise. We all do, okay?" The other guys all nodded. They looked sincere enough, but I was still left unsure.

Gerard did end up taking me back home soon after that. He picked me up easily (I didn't fight it like I had done with Frank) and I buried my face in his shoulder. I didn't look up even to say goodbye to the others. Frank drove us home and when we got there, Gerard brought me straight to my room. He said I could sleep now, "I'm sure you need it," he'd mumbled, but promised we'd have "a talk" tomorrow.

I never did fall asleep and, of course, here I am. Still awake.

Despite how much I've been isolating myself recently, I've never felt so lonely in my life. I could go wake Gerard, but, no. I wouldn't dream of it. He's dealt with me enough and is probably more desperate for sleep than I at this point. Instead, the light from my phone blinds me as I tap on a contact. It takes a surprisingly short amount of time for him to pick up.

"Hello?" Mikey mumbles, still half asleep.

"Hi," I whisper into the phone.

"Evelyn? Why are you awake?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Are you okay?"

That seems to me like a stupid question. He knows what happened, he saw me just earlier. I'm not sure how to answer that at first. Usually when people ask such a thing I simply plaster on a smile and tell them I'm just fine, but I'm sick of lying. He'd know it if I did, anyway. "Not really."

"Oh, Eve. Are you- are you feeling any better?"

"I guess I am. Physically." My headache went away a little while ago and I'd only puked a couple more times though there was pretty much nothing to bring up.

"Did you and Gee get to talk stuff out earlier?"

"No, he just let me go to bed. I bet he doesn't even want to talk to me."

"He does, Eve, he'll probably do it tomorrow. You both need sleep after today."

"That's what he said too... you do too, though. I'm sorry I called."

"No, it's okay." Mikey says quickly before I have a chance to hang up.

I stay silent for a little while, but he stays on the phone, just keeping me company. I finally speak up again with a sigh, still whispering. "Nothing's going right anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't even know." I begin. "Everything has been— I have been terrible. I've been ignoring Gerard and everyone, being a complete bitch, when he just wants to help. I know what he'd say, though. "What's wrong with you? Why are you failing school? Why don't you ever leave your room?" And, there's so much I desperately wanna tell him, but I can't. Even if I could, I don't even know how I'd begin to explain what's going on in my head."

"You're not a bitch, alright? Talking to people is hard— believe me, I know— but don't bottle it all up, Eve. You can talk to him, whatever it is that's going on."

"No, I can't."

"Why not?"

"I- I just... I can't explain it." Is it the evil little voice in my head who doesn't permit it? Or is it just my own stubbornness at this point? It could be a mixture of both, the effects proving themselves to be nothing but tragic.

"You can always try. I'm here now, I'll listen."

"But... I told you, I don't even know how."

"Just say whatever's on your mind, you don't even have to make sense, just—" Gosh, he's really persistent.

"Everyone hates me."