I'm confused with the timeline of my own story here so let's just sort this out... I think it's now Saturday December 9 2006. Yeah. Let's go with that.

I thought Evelyn was joking when she first said it. I really couldn't believe she'd actually do that. "Yeah, I skipped school." But she hasn't been in a joking mood lately. What was almost just as unbelievable was the way she stood her ground, her voice wavering only slightly, her hands balled into fists, and she was actually yelling. And she doesn't yell.

Sleep didn't come last night. Part of me was waiting to shoot out of bed toward Eve's room, expecting to comfort her after another nightmare, but that didn't happen. Instead I was left tossing and turning, alone with my thoughts. Which, granted, isn't that uncommon for me, but it was near-crippling worry over my daughter whom I thought was still excelling in school. And the way she was talking down on herself, how she thinks she's alone...

When it finally hits 7AM, I stumble out of my room and go downstairs. I'm half expecting Eve to be downstairs in the kitchen like she's been every other day this week before I take her to school, but then I remember it's Saturday.

I can't wait any longer. I have to go to talk to her— for obvious reasons— and apologize. Because, yes what she did was wrong, and although she yelled at me, so did I. I yelled at her and I know she has a hard time with people raising their voices at her.

So I go back upstairs toward her room, but when I get there and I see her asleep, curled up in her blankets, I can't bring myself to wake her up.

"I can't fucking sleep." Is what she yelled yesterday. Well, she's asleep now.

It worked. I pretended to be asleep and avoided a conversation I was dreading. I stay there, curled up in my blankets for as long as possible. Snow fell last night— the first snow of the season— and it's cold. But when I finally set my feet onto my freezing bedroom floor and look outside, I see that it covers the ground beautifully in a thin, sparkling sheet. The bright white is almost blinding.

I'm surprisingly not grounded after all the shit that went down yesterday. So when I say that I'm going for a walk, Gerard just nods and tells me to be careful. I didn't make eye contact with him once.

All I can focus on is how cold I am as I trek to the small building in the woods for the first time since Tuesday. I have a single goal in mind and it's the only thing that's preventing my lungs from giving out. That is, if I don't pass out from dizziness first. I guess that's what happens when you eat only a couple bites of food in the span of about five days, flushing the rest down the toilet or lying about having had anything at all.

When I finally get to my destination, (it started snowing again when I was half-way there) I don't even knock before barging into The Box. Raven, Krash, and Zero are all in their beanbag chairs just as I'd expected.

"She's back!" Zero exclaims, pointing a finger in my direction.

"Hey, Way! Where've you—"

"Give me a smoke." I cut Raven off, not asking but demanding.

"W-what?"

"I said give me a smoke." I stick my hand out.

"You sure about that?" Krash asks with his eyebrows raised.

"Did I fucking stutter?" And for once, I actually hadn't. I take satisfaction from seeing the shocked look on everyone's faces.

Raven takes a pack of cigarettes from the table, slides one out, and hands it to me reluctantly. I snatch a lighter from that same table and light it. You would've thought I'd done this a hundred times before.

I close my eyes and collapse into a beanbag chair as I take my first ever drag from a cigarette. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. Lightheadedness? Pure bliss? A burning sensation in my lungs?

I'm numb.

"Are you okay?" Raven asks slowly, genuine concern in their voice.

"Take a wild guess," I say as I breathe smoke out of the corner of my mouth. "Take a wild fucking guess."

"You need a drink?" Zero asks, opening the cooler in the corner of the room.

Raven goes over and hits him on the arm, hissing, "Zee! It's like ten in the morning!"

"Time," I say lazily, "it's bullshit. Toss me something." I've forgotten my past. Forgotten my mother, the things I saw her do, the vow I once made to myself that I'd never follow in her footsteps.

Zero thought better than to throw anything at me, somehow guessing that I can't catch, and passed it to me instead. I take a look at the can of beer then back up at him. "Got anything stronger?"

He casts a nervous glance at Raven who shrugs almost sad-like, then over at Krash who's staring intently at the floor. "Why are you doin' this?" he then asks me.

I ignore the question. "Do you have anything or not?"

He takes the can back from me and replaces it in the cooler, grabbing a small glass bottle of clear liquid. He hands it to me with uncharacteristic hesitance, but I take it without a second thought, popping the top off and immediately taking a swig. It burns my throat and I only swallow about half, coughing and spraying the rest on myself. "What the fuck is that?" I splutter.

"Vodka." Krash's deep voice finally speaks up.

"Tastes like Sharpie markers."

Krash rolls his eyes, unable to keep his usual serious face. "Really, Way, why are you doing this to yourself?"

"To take the pain away." I put simply. "What happens if you drink this stuff on an empty stomach?"

"It's gonna hit you hard," Krash says.

"And fast," Zero adds.

"So maybe you shouldn't drink that." Raven tries to take the bottle from me, but I pull it back, almost spilling it in the process.

"No!" I hug it to my chest. "It's mine now."

"Come on guys, help me out here!" Raven looks at the guys desperately, but they just shrug. "She's tiny! She shouldn't be downing vodka."

I snort at the word tiny.—Raven's lying. Obviously. You've probably gained since last time they saw you.— But no one seems to notice as they're now arguing among themselves about what I should and shouldn't be doing.

"She can do what she wants!" Zero exclaims then points at me. "Look at her! She obviously needs to unwind."

"There are better ways to unwind!" Raven insists, stamping a foot on the ground.

"I don't like it either, Raven, but Zee's got a point," Krash says. "Maybe we should just let her. It's not like we haven't done the same thing."

"But—"

"But nothing." I cut in, crushing the cigarette butt in an ashtray. "It's my life I can do whatever I want and right now I wanna forget. I wanna forget everything."

"What's Gerard gonna think when you go home wasted?" Raven asks, crossing their arms over their chest.

"I- I..." Sighing, I put the bottle down. "Stop being right."

They turn to Zero. "Grab her a water bottle."

He nods and takes a bottle of water out of the cooler then hands it to me.

• • •

I kept going back to The Box the next week, skipping school every single day, but needing to be more sneaky than usual now that Gerard knew about that one time.

I never declined a cigarette again and they weren't about to deny me one.

My friendship with Raven, Zero, and Krash became stronger and things got worse at home. I blame all the time I spend in my room on schoolwork I need to catch up on (lies, of course) and exams I need to study for (obviously that's also untrue). I eat only enough to keep me alive, but sometimes even that's hard.

Everyone's worried. I know now that they are.

My hoodies and sweatpants can only do so much to cover my deteriorating body. Makeup can only cover my pale face and tired eyes to an extent.

That's why when the guys come over I don't let them in. Not even Frank.

The nightmares are only getting worse, if I ever manage to fall asleep, that is. But I don't bolt up and scream anymore: I bite my lip til it bleeds. I don't want to be a burden to Gerard any longer.

And that's why I'm running away.