Never again. I thought it would be fine if I had takeout. I don't know how I let myself believe that because it most definitely was not fine. I didn't sleep. At first it was because I had an overwhelming urge to stay up and exercise— walking back in forth in my room, sit-ups (the usual)— but then it was the thoughts. They wouldn't stop.

You shouldn't have eaten that, Evelyn. That was too much.

But I burned it off. I don't understand, how can it be such an issue if I exercised until I could barely stand and my chest ached and burned it off?

Don't do it again. Don't do it ever again.

I won't have takeout ever again.

Food. Don't have it ever again.

Food. Maybe I don't need it. I've been surviving off of so little recently anyway, it'll be fine if I just stop eating completely for a while.

You don't need it. You're already a fat-ass. You don't need food.

I don't need food.

"I'll pick you up after school, Eve. I don't want you walking anymore, it's too cold," Gerard says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Okay," I say, stifling a yawn.

"And here's your lunch money." He hands me the money then adds, "Don't lose it."

"I won't." I assure him, taking the change and sticking it in my pocket. "See you later."

"Bye Evie."

I get out of the car then walk toward the school slowly and wait until Gerard's car is out of sight before straight up leaving the school grounds. Yeah, exams are coming up very quickly, but I don't even care anymore. I fit in with the gang; with Krash, Zero, and Raven. I'm going to The Box.

No one pays attention to the girl in the over-sized hoodie, freezing her ass off as she walks on the side of the road, definitely not toward where she's supposed to be going. Then again, why would anyone care? They don't know me, and I don't know them. I'm usually incredibly self conscious, always thinking that people are watching my every move, judging me, but obviously they aren't.

I took a couple wrong turns in the park until I find the path from yesterday. When I get to the small building in the woods I see smoke is already billowing out of the crack in the little window and I hear everyone's muffled voices. I told them yesterday I was coming back so, after knocking on the door, I just let myself in.

"Hey, Way!" Zero greets me enthusiastically, then turns to Krash who's sitting in the beanbag chair next to him, a cigarette dangling from his lip. "Fuckin' told you so."

My confusion must've shown on my face because Raven then explains, "Krash here thought you weren't gonna come back. Said you seemed like too much of a goody-two-shoes."

"Yeah, and I was like 'no way, Man, she's cool!' and here you are." Zero crosses his arms over his chest, grinning like an idiot. "So, as always, I was right."

Krash rolls his eyes, "I don't know about always, but I'll give it to you this time."

I take a seat in the chair next to Raven and drop my backpack on the floor next to me. Pulling the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands, I shiver. Gerard was definitely right about it being cold.

I really don't like the cold.

"So, how you doing, Way?" Raven asks me. Today they're wearing black skinny jeans with some black lace-up boots that go almost up to the knee.

"Same old." I shrug. "Nice boots."

"Oh, these old things?" Raven clicks their heels together. "Thanks. Got 'em at some second-hand place a while back."

"Got 'em?" Zero cuts in. "More like stole."

"I did not! The person at the checkout just forgot to add them to my total, and I just... forgot to remind her."

"Sounds like stealing to me," Krash says.

"Like you're any better," Raven mumbles.

"Hey," he defends himself. "Smokes are expensive."

The three start going on about the price of cigarettes and what really counts as stealing and morals and shit, while I stare down at my feet. I tune them out easily, but not entirely on purpose. I just have such a hard time focusing on anything lately, it's like my brain is physically shrinking and has only room for those goddamn thoughts that ever plague me.

Isn't a side effect of smoking weight loss?

"Why do you guys smoke those things anyway?" I ask, interrupting their heated conversation. They all stop speaking abruptly and I notice I'm once again the only person in the room without a cigarette between my fingers.

"You gonna lecture us, or something?" Zero asks with an eye roll.

"It wouldn't make a difference, would it? So, no."

"Well," Krash starts. "I started when I was like thirteen, maybe twelve. I don't know, I was a stupid kid. Remembered seeing my dad smoke 'em and thought he was so cool."

"Not as cool as you thought?" I guess.

"Doesn't matter. He's dead," Krash says, his voice monotone. The worst part of that was the way he didn't break eye contact with me once. Raven and Zero, on the other hand, are both suddenly very interested in the dirty floorboards.

My breath hitches, "I- I'm sorry."

"Don't be. He was a dick anyway," he says. "He, well, he—"

"You don't have to get into it," I say before he can go on. But really, I kind of want him to go on. Krash is a mystery I'm still yet to solve.

"I'll tell my story if you tell yours."

"How do you know I even have a story to tell?"

"Everyone's got a story. You've definitely got a helluva one, I can tell. I know things," Krash says and a shiver runs down my spine.

"Fine," I say.

"Guys, you know we're still here, right?" Zero speaks up.

"Yeah." Krash nods curtly. "And you two already know what I'm about to say so just sit tight."

Zero and Raven both nod and glance up at each other with worried looks on their faces, before their eyes shoot right back down to their shoes. Whatever Krash is about to talk about must be important, so why is he about to spill it to me, someone he met just yesterday? I don't know.

"So, Way," Krash leans forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his knees. "I only tell people I trust anything about me, and I trust you. Don't make me regret it."

So that's why. "I- I won't. You won't."

"Good." He takes a drag from his cigarette, then crushes the remainder of it in an ashtray in front of him. "So, I don't have any siblings. It was just me, my mom and dad, and life was good. We never did have much money or anything, but we were happy and that was enough, you know? I remember we used to come to this very park every Saturday when it was nice out and go feed the ducks.

"When I was nine my mom got sick. Like, real sick. Doctors guessed she had, like, five months, maybe six. She made it to seven. My mom was a fighter, and my dad loved her so damn much— I mean, so did I, but they'd been together since high school— and it really messed him up. He started going out and, well, I was nine, I didn't really get what was happening. Mom had just left me, why was he leaving too, you know? Why was he leaving and coming back late, bloodshot eyes, tripping over himself? I'd always stay up and wait for him and help him get to bed.

"It only got worse. A few times, he left and wouldn't come back for a couple days. When that happened I'd skip school and stay home waiting for him to come back. I never told anyone. I didn't have anyone to tell. My parents were super young when I was born, both of 'em were basically disowned. They ran away from Pittsburg together and wound up here, so it really was just the three of us.

"So, yeah, that went on for, I don't know, a year and a half? The old man going out, drinking, drugs, neglecting me. I fended for myself, but I still skipped school and waited for him when he was gone too long. When I was eleven he finally found out I was missing so much class— I don't know how it took so long— and he got angry. When my dad was angry, let me tell you, he was angry. He hit me, as if he actually gave a shit about my education," Krash scoffed. "That's all it took for me, I mean, he acted like I didn't exist for almost two years and then he pulls that shit; I snapped.

"I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. Somewhere in my fucked-up little mind I thought I could just kill him myself. I waited up 'til he was sleeping on the couch like he always did. I thought he was sleeping. He'd overdosed. I just remember feeling relieved, there was no way I was actually gonna do it myself. No way. Whatever happened after that is kind of a blur." Only when Krash finished speaking did he finally let his gaze drop to the floor.