Is it really okay to be messed up? Gerard says so, but I'm not so sure. He doesn't know what I mean. He doesn't know the extent of it.

He doesn't even know what happened.

I'm fighting to stay awake now, my eyelids feel heavy and I've almost drifted off a few times, but I don't want to go to sleep. I'm perfectly content here with my head on Gee's shoulder, wrapped in the warmest, softest blanket I've ever felt.

He'd just finished telling me that he's not normal, that no one is. I guess maybe he's right. I don't even know what I meant by 'normal' anyway. It was a stupid thing to say, and all I could think to reply with was, "Okay."

"Do you understand me, Eve? We're gonna stick together, alright?"

"Alright."

"Good." He's speaking incredibly gently, especially when he then adds, "I love you, you know?"

"I love you too, Gee."

I can't fight sleep any longer. My eyelids close and the events of the last few hours are finally wiped from my mind for a while. That's the beauty of sleep.

• • •

I wake up in my own bed, not being able to remember Gee taking me up here last night. When I check the time my heart drops when I see it's only 6AM. I still feel tired, but I don't think it's the kind of tired that any more sleep can fix. I'm just tired of messing up, tired of bothering people, tired of losing people.

My mind immediately goes to last night's events. Emerald leaning in, my heart speeding up, and then the feeling of her lips on mine. Then, that feeling of bliss draining out of me when we see her dad standing at the bottom of the stairs. The look on his face, the angry fire blazing in his eyes, the even angrier words he spoke next.

Oh, and of course, there's the fact that I ruined everyone's night. Gerard was supposed to have a good time. Ray, too, but I suspect he went back to the party after dropping us off. And then there's Frank.

I ruined his birthday. I must have. I mean, I spammed his phone, I forced Gerard to leave way too early, he was probably wondering what the hell was going on. I could've just stayed on that bench all night. I would've survived... I deserved it anyway.

Im hurting. I'm hurting so bad, but I feel empty at the same time.

I've decided here and now that I'm not going to get out of bed today. It's not worth it when I'll just find a way to ruin something else if I do.

I roll over and grab the piece of paper with the poem I wrote in that hotel room. My problems seem so minor looking back, even if it was just over a week ago. What did I have to be so sad about?

I read over it one more time, shaking my head. Stupid. I'm tempted to rip it up, but I just put it back on my nightstand then bury myself deeper in my blankets.

My most pressing question is: how did she end up on that bench and why? What the hell happened in that house? I can only think of the worst possible situations. I swear, if someone there hurt her...

I already know she won't want to talk to me right away. Especially considering how shaken up she was last night. But, I also know that talking helps. I don't want her bottling it all up.

I check the time.

Shit, it's early.

I didn't get much sleep, though. Far from it. I bet the other guys didn't, either, considering they were out really late. I can't help but feel a little left out, but then thinking about Eve makes those feelings fade away.

How shitty of a parent would one need to be to choose going out with friends over staying in and comforting their daughter in a crisis? A crisis I am yet to understand, but a crisis all the same.

Still, it was Frank's birthday yesterday. God, Eve must feel terrible for making me leave early.

That's when I get an idea; I know just who she'll talk to.

• • •

"Every time I go in there she just hides under her blankets. She hasn't moved all day. She didn't even touch her lunch," I tell Frank as soon as he enters the house.

I called him earlier and told him to come over this afternoon (I thought I'd give him some time to recover from last night), after apologizing for leaving so soon last night. I told him it was important, that it was about Eve, and he immediately said it was okay and agreed to come over.

"What makes you think she'll talk to me, then?" He asks.

"She loves you, Frank. You two connected in some weird way. Plus, she probably thinks you hate her right now."

"I'll try my best, but I'm not promising anything."

As soon as I hear the footsteps approach my room, I pull my blanket over my head, ready to ignore Gerard again. He should know I don't want him coming in here by now.

"Hey, Kid." Wait... that's not Gerard's voice.

Oh God.

It's Frank.

I hear the sound of my door closing and then him crossing the room and taking a seat in the chair near my bed.

I don't say anything, but I pull my blanket off my head, peeking at him. I must look absolutely terrible. I know I do. My hair is a complete mess, and I can only imagine the intensity of the bags under my eyes right now.

"Rough night?"

I nod.

He sighs, "I told Gerard you were too young to go out partying."

I almost crack a smile. He's waiting for me to say something now, so I just whisper, "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Eve," he says, becoming serious again.

"Yeah, I do. I ruined your birthday."

"You didn't ruin anything. It wasn't even your fault."

"You don't even know what happened."

"Talking about it might help." I know exactly what he's suggesting and as much as I want to resume my vow of silence, I know he's right.

I sigh deeply, mentally preparing myself to say what I already know I'll end up spilling. "Everything was going so well..." I start, quickly blinking back some tears. No, Evelyn, no crying.

Frank doesn't say anything, silently urging me to go on.

"Em and I were watching a movie in her basement, and then... and then she kissed me," I brace myself for the shouting. At least some ridiculing.

What was I supposed to expect?

It never comes, though. He doesn't even flinch at my words. So, I decide to continue. Maybe he just hasn't processed it yet. "But then her dad came down at that exact moment and yelled at me to get out of his house."

That is when he reacts.

"What the fuck?!" He exclaims, standing up quickly which causes me to jump. "He really said that to you?"

I nod, "So I did. I just ran down the road and then Gerard had to come get me. I was freezing on some bench by the time he and Ray got there," I wipe a solitary tear from my cheek; I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

"Shit. I'm so, so sorry that happened, Eve." He hugs me. "How are really doing, though? Are you okay?"

I shrug. "I've certainly been better."

"You will be. Everything'll turn out okay."

"Thanks, Frankie," I smile kind of sadly. It's all I can manage right now. I avoid eye contact, as I go on by saying, "I really like Emerald."

He just nods, settling back in the chair.

"Like... like like," I say. How many times can you say 'like' in one sentence, Eve?

"Aw, Evie's got a crush," he coos.

"Yeah," I blush. "Wait— you're not freaking out at me. Why aren't you freaking out?" I'd just been holding my breath, preparing for his final reaction, and he doesn't even look angry. He actually has a smile on his face?

"I could never, ever hate you, Eve. Especially not for that! It baffles me someone could ever hate another human for something they can't change about themselves. If anyone gives you any shit you come straight to me, alright?"

"Alright," I whisper.

I open my arms for a hug and he comes over again. I wrap my arms around him tightly, this time saying, "Thank you so much. Just don't tell Gerard."

"I won't," he says sincerely. "This is all between you and me. Just know, you could probably tell him anything and he'll accept you no matter what. He really loves you, you know?"

"Yeah. I know."

• • •

hi

I updated early because it's March 22nd and I felt inspired (I listened to I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love.. and then Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, The Black Parade, Danger Days, and as I type this I'm listening to Conventional Weapons)

definitely not the worst way I could've spent my day :)

tell me, frens, your top 5 mcr songs. it's for... research purposes. mine right now (I say right now because I'll probably change my mind in twenty minutes because I'm Very indecisive):

Demolition Lovers

Cemetery Drive

The End

The Kids From Yesterday

The Light Behind Your Eyes