"Goodnight, Eve. I love you." I need her to know. I need her to know how much I love having her in my life, but she's asleep, and besides, I don't want to rush her. I don't want her to think she needs to call me 'dad' before she's ready or anything.

We only met three weeks ago, but on my end, I've already been caring for her for months. Going through background checks, house inspections, signing paper after paper, preparing this room for her. It's all been worth it.

I remember the guys' reactions when I told them I wanted a kid. I told Mikey first. He was unsure, but supported me when he realized how serious I was about this. Frank was excited, "Maybe I won't be the shortest anymore!" And Ray didn't take me seriously until Mikey told him I'd already filled in an application. One thing's for sure, though: they all thought I was out of my mind at first.

Even I thought I was out of my mind for a while. I went back and forth on the idea for a long time, the whole thing was terrifying to me. But, what was even more terrifying was the thought of how many kids are in desperate need of a good home. That's what made me decide I was really going to go through with the adoption thing, and when I found Evelyn I really knew I'd made the right choice.

But now, in her room, her head nuzzled into my chest, the overwhelming happiness I usually feel when she's around, the pride in thinking "that's my daughter!" has been replaced with sadness.

At least she gets some peace now that she's asleep.

I don't know what happened. She seemed fine all day, excited to see the guys again even though they were here just last night.

I'm so glad she likes them. I never knew Frank could be so good with kids. The others are, too, but he seems to have connected with Evelyn differently. Maybe because he's somewhat of a kid himself.

She even hung out for a while as we played some songs, but then retreated to her room about halfway through the session. I thought she was just being antisocial, maybe the music was too loud. I should've gone after her. I could've prevented that panic attack. I shouldn't have left her alone.

I wipe a tear off my cheek and slide out of the bed, being infinitely careful as to not wake up my daughter. I go straight to my room and pick up the phone, dialling the first number that comes to mind.

"Hello?"

"Frank?"

"Gee? What's up?"

"I- um, I dunno," I sigh. What am I even doing?

"You okay?" He asks, a hint of worry in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm okay. It's just, Evelyn, man. She was fine. She seemed fine to you, right?"

"Yeah, same as always. In a good way, I mean. Um, why? What happened? Is she okay!?"

"I- I don't even know. Soon as you left I went to check on her and found her crying. I mean, completely sobbing."

"What, why? Gee, what happened!?"

"I don't know what happened, Frank! And- and I didn't know what to do, right? So I tried to hug her, comfort her, y'know? And she just told me not to touch her." Recounting the incident is making me sadder and even angry at myself.

"Well, you kept your hands off her then, right?"

"Yeah, of course I fucking did! But she was in complete panic-mode by then, you know? Like, she couldn't breathe or anything. I thought she was gonna black out. I was scared, can't imagine how she felt."

"Shit, man. She better now, though?"

"She's asleep now. I was just telling her to take deep breaths, she calmed down eventually. I thought she'd never stop shaking." My voice breaks at the end.

"Are- are you crying, Gee?" He's not making fun of me. He wouldn't; not in a serious situation like this one.

"No. Um, yeah, maybe a bit." I pause. "But I shouldn't be. This isn't my problem, this is Eve's. I can't be all weak n' shit. I coulda stopped this somehow! It's only been a few weeks and I'm already a shitty dad aren't I?"

"Hey, Gee, calm the fuck down. How could you have stopped any of that from going down? You're a great dad, you just need to get your shit together right about now. Get some sleep, alright? Let her sleep in and then talk to her tomorrow."

"Yeah... yeah, tomorrow." I wipe my eyes again.

"I'll come over after lunch or something if she's up for some company? I won't mention any of this."

"Sure, okay. Um, thanks, Frankie."

"Night, Gee. Get some sleep."

• • •

It's currently 8AM and I'm laying in bed, somehow wide awake. I'm not sure I slept even a wink last night. I ended up pacing around my room, or going to my office to try and write or draw to keep my mind off things. But, in the end I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Evelyn.

A fleeting moment of confusion after opening her door last night, turned to worry and panic which is yet to end.

Suddenly, I'm hearing gentle footsteps going down the stairs... towards the front door? I jump outta bed and race down the stairs. I'm still in yesterday's clothes.

"Evelyn?" She stops with her hand on the doorknob. "Hey, Kiddo. Where you headed at eight in the morning?" She doesn't have places to be. If she does she hasn't told me.

"Oh, I was just going for a run. Clear my head after... you know." Her voice is slightly raw, probably from crying so much last night. Every time I think back to that moment it feels like a stab to the chest.

"Oh, right, okay. Just tell me before you leave the house next time, alright?"

She nods.

"And, I'd like to talk when you get back, okay?"

"Okay, Gerard. I won't be gone long."

He caught me. Of course, I knew it'd happen soon. I can't just leave the house over and over again in the morning without him noticing eventually.

What's even more obvious, though, is what he wants to talk about when I get back. I don't even want to think about it, but I guess I don't have a choice, do I?

I just feel ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't bottle up my emotions just a little longer. Ashamed that Gerard had to see me that way. That it's all in my head. I don't have real problems anymore. I can't just go having panic attacks like that when people have it so much worse than me.

You should get a step counter, Evelyn. Make sure you achieve that sweet 10 000 every single day.

Skipping breakfast and going on a run almost everyday has done some good. I actually feel healthier, I think. I'm noticing my bones more recently. They've always been there, of course, but now I'm paying more attention. How protruding my hipbones, collarbones, my ribs might be. All under my skin and fat. I could stand to lose a bit.

"Hey, Evelyn?" I hear a voice from somewhere pulling me out of thoughts. "What you doing out here so early?" It's Frank.

I turn around quickly and see him sat on some stairs outside an apartment. I guess this is where he lives. Either I took a different turn than usual, or he's never out here when I go by. "Oh, just on a run. It's a nice day." I say, approaching him.

"Yeah. Does Gee know you're gone?" He crushes the remainder of a cigarette into the ground, seeming a little less cheery than usual.

I nod, "We spoke a bit before I left."

"Oh, yeah? I can't believe he was up and talking at this hour."

"I know, it was a rare sight to see." It feels good to joke around. I need some lightheartedness at the moment.

"So, how are you, my child? Come sit, have a chat." He gestures for me to sit next to him on the concrete step.

"Um, I'm alright I guess," I say, taking a seat.

"That doesn't seem very convincing." What does he know, and how does he know it?

"Really, Frankie," I give him a quick hug. "I'm fine. I should get back home. I told Gerard I wouldn't be long." I get back up and run off the way I came. Frank's "Alright then," echoes down the otherwise quiet street.

• • •

Word count: 1445

I was going to add the talk with G to this, but I didn't want it to end up too long. so expect a deep conversation in the next one I guess :/

let me know what you thought about this chapter tho... and also about the POV change?