I've been living with Gerard Way for about three weeks now. The best three weeks of my life, at that.

Gee is the best human I've ever met for many reasons. The biggest one being he took time to read through my file and ended up adopting me. But, here's a smaller example of the kind of person he is: Just a few days ago we went to Target for room decor because he thought mine was looking a little bland.

We ended up getting some houseplants, more band posters, and a desk lamp.

Anyway, when a couple teenagers came up asking him for autographs he introduced me so I wouldn't feel left out. They weren't that interested in me, but it was a sweet gesture all the same.

Mikey, Ray, and Frank come over pretty often to hang out and play music. I love listening to them play, which is what I'm doing right now. It's about 9PM on a Saturday night (we watched Star Wars: Return of the Jedi last night and had Chinese takeout) and I'm attempting to put all of my attention into listening to "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)."

The song title perfectly describes the way I'm currently feeling.

I've never had any huge problems with school; I've always had pretty straight As (other than math), but I can't help but feel overwhelmingly nervous at the simple thought of going back in just a week's time. What if everyone hates me? What if I don't make any friends? Better yet, what if the only friends I make are people trying to get to MCR through me?

No one will get close to you, even with your famous "father". No one loves you, Evelyn. Maybe lose a few pounds and you'll be more successful.

There's that voice in the back of my mind. It's only getting louder, slowly eating away at the rest of my brain, I think. And I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it, so I've just been listening to it.

I don't cry very often, but right now the stress of school, the stress of my slowly growing feelings of self hatred, the stress of my life in general is too much to handle and I break down. So, I'm on my bed, laying on my back, hugging my pillow against my face to muffle my sobs. I don't think it's working. I'm shaking madly. The music fades out and I hear everyone go back downstairs. The guys must be leaving.

Sure enough, the front door opens and I can imagine everyone saying goodbye to each other.

"Say goodnight to Evelyn for me," Ray might say.

"Give the kid a hug on my behalf," Frank might add.

And now the house is empty other than Gerard and I. Just like that. Just like every other night.

I go back to focusing on that evil voice in my head, egging me on. Telling me I deserve this. Telling me I'll only truly be worthy of being loved until I look the way I should, whatever that means.

I don't even notice the knocking on my door and Gerard saying, "Evelyn? You in there? The guys just left."

When I don't respond he slowly opens my door. "Eve? Oh my God, are you okay?" He rushes over to me where my face is still buried in my now damp pillow. I can barely breathe, but I don't care.

I don't say anything and just keep crying. It almost feels good to let this all out. Almost.

"Hey hey hey, Eve? Eve, look at me." His voice sounds so worried that I feel guilty not acknowledging him. I can't help but peel my pillow away from my face. I bet I look like more of a mess than I feel.

I sit up slightly, not daring to meet his eyes. I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

"Come here, Evelyn." He pulls me into his arms and I smell a hint of alcohol on him. He must've been drinking with the others, or someone in there was. I can notice, either way. This makes a bad situation a whole lot worse.

"N-no, please... please don't touch me." I croak, feeling helpless.

He doesn't process what I said right away, but when he does he lets go immediately. I bring my knees up to my chest as I feel it tighten, almost like someone is stepping on it and I lose my ability to breathe even further. The corners of my vision darken, but the lights are somehow simultaneously too bright. Everything around me blurs and I don't know if it's just the tears or a panic attack.

"C'mere, Evie, I wanna show my friends my stupid kid." My mother, drunk out of her mind, approaches me, a camera in my face.

"M-mommy!" I cry. "Mom, it- it hurts!" I'm on the floor, clutching my most-definitely broken arm after falling off the counter while trying to reach a box of cereal.

She laughs a shrill laugh, "Don't 'Mommy!' me! You're the one who fell off the counter, dumbass!" She trips over my legs and her camera smashes on the floor. "Bitch! This is your fault! Your fault, Evelyn!"

Right now, in my bedroom, I still feel like that same scared, helpless kid. The one whose mother dropped her off outside an orphanage without even getting her daughter's broken arm fixed.

"Breathe, Evelyn. Breathe." I hear Gerard's voice from miles away. "I'm right here. I won't touch you, but I need you to listen. Take a deep breath."

I try my best to pull my mind away from that dark memory and inhale shakily. I'm still trembling from head to toe. This has never happened to me before. It's all so loud. Everything is too much for me to handle, and I think, in this moment, I'm going to die.

I want to die.

I want it to end.

I'm not really sure what happened within the next few minutes, but when my breathing mostly returns back to normal and I'm pretty sure that the risk of my heart beating out of my chest is no longer an issue, I just sit in silence with my face buried in my knees.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say. The weight of my own shame is like a physical pressure upon my shoulders and chest.

I wish I could turn back time and gain control over myself before any of that happened.

Finally, I open my arms weakly. Gerard gives me a look that says "You sure?" and I nod very slightly. He engulfs me in a hug and hot tears run down my cheeks. How do I even have any tears left in me?

After a couple minutes, Gerard whispers, "You okay now?"

I shrug my shoulders.

"You wanna talk?"

I shake my head 'no.'

"Maybe tomorrow. You just wanna go to bed?"

I nod.

I crawl under my blankets, not even bothering to change out of my clothes, and he tucks me into bed. Not too tightly, though.

He quietly walks across my bedroom and turns out the lights. I'm plunged into darkness which would otherwise be comforting.

"Gee?" I whisper in the darkness before he leaves.

"Yeah, Evie?"

"Can- um, can you stay here?"

"Of course, Love." He lays down next to me, my bed is big enough, that's for sure, and starts humming something unfamiliar. It's incredibly calming.

The last thing I remember before I finally go to sleep is the feeling of what I'm pretty sure was someone kissing me on the top of my head.

"Goodnight, Eve. I love you." He must've thought I was already asleep.

• • •

Word count: 1292

so that was only part 1 of this chapter... should I upload part 2 today, as well?