Chapter 13

Beaten Down Ben

It was a mistake and all the voices in Savannah's head were screaming in objection but her body wasn't listening.

Her lip stung as they pressed on to Leon's soft pillowy lips.

Savannah pulled away quickly, she felt weak, incapable of controlling her impulses and devastated, she stared at Leon as he stared back in an expression that was frustratingly hard to read.

This was the end of their thirteen-year long friendship and she provoked it, thought Savannah as the reality of what she had done came crashing down on her.

She was in disbelief, how could she be so foolish? and why was she behaving so recklessly?

Leon sighed and looked onto the grass,

"Now, that's out of the way, could you please tell me why you're covered in bumps and bruises and what happened to your lip?" he said, unbothered by the kiss they just shared.

Savannah let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, she was beyond confused, she didn't know how he would react to the kiss, but no reaction from Leon hadn't even crossed her mind.

"Kissing me, although I don't mind it, won't distract me from this..." stated Leon.

Savannah was feeling so run down. She was at a loss, her emotions are all over the place and she doesn't have any answers to anything.

She was completely out of touch, she never felt more of a stranger to herself than at this moment.

Savannah didn't feel like herself, but she felt like a parasite, taking over the body of the girl she used to think she was.

"Calm down," assured Leon, taking notice of Savannah's unusual behaviour which she no doubt projected onto her face.

"Just clear your mind, and think about nothing else except what's happening right here, right now and what happened," Leon spoke clearly and calmly, drowning out the chaos in Savannah's mind.

She didn't want to speak about it or re-live it, but she knew she had to, so she could be able to move on, her main objective since that night.

She took a deep breath and locked eyes with Leon,

"Mike and I, had a... disagreement, last Friday night and things got a little... physical," confessed Savannah.

Leon stared at her stone-faced without blinking, Savannah could see a glint of fury in his eyes. He nostrils flared, he looked as if he was either about to cry or go on a rampage.

"Have you told anybody?" he asked exhaustedly,

"no Leon, and it's better that way, Mum and Dad don't want to believe their precious first-born son is a psychopath," protested Savannah,

"so what did you tell them?" asked Leon coming off angrier than he would've liked.

"I told them I fell off this tree," Savannah said flatly, she stood by what she did.

Leon stared at her than scoffed covering his face with his hands.

"Savannah look what he did to you!-"

"I know what he did to me Lee!" Savannah retorted defensively as her voice broke, she didn't realise the lump in her throat until now as warm tears dripped down her face.

Leon put his hands on his knees and softened his posture, gazing at Savannah sympathetically.

Savannah composed herself and angrily wiped away her tears.

"I've been trying to move past it for so many days now," she continued, trying with her might to keep a steady voice.

"Lee, it's the reality I'm living... don't you see? It hurts me more than you think, it keeps me up at night," she closed her eyes and tried to shake off the traumatic flashbacks she was getting.

"But I don't want to act like the victim and give myself grief... grief which he inflicted on me."

"But Savannah you are, don't sit her and tell me that by covering up the fact it ever happened isn't tearing you apart because I can see it is..." began Leon,

"you can't isolate yourself and restrict yourself from speaking up or speaking to someone, it doesn't even have to be me, but for God's sake talk to someone..." he drew a long breath and searched around as if trying to form his thoughts.

"Keeping things bottled up will destroy someone from the inside out... so just... let it out before you explode yeah?" he chuckled, the light tone coming back into his voice.

Savannah knew he was right, keeping her emotions bottled up has been the cause of her dangerous behaviour, punching Mike in the face, which she still felt guilty about, the feelings she thought she was growing for Leon, and the worst one, kissing him.

Talking to Leon and finally expressing her feelings made her feel like the weight of two planets had been lifted off her shoulders, she felt like a free bird, released from an iron cage.

Her vision became brighter her breathing became easier. She wiped her tears on her sleeve as she smiled to herself.

She lied back with her back on the dead grass underneath the ash tree, as Leon did the same.

They lied silently side by side, staring up into the dark grey sky, finally content and one with the world.

After listening to the sound of birds twittering, the leaves rustling and the wind blowing for a moment or two,

"You know, at least out of all of this, you'd have a pretty badass lip scar," Leon said lazily,

"Leon, face scars are for badass people, crime lords or brave people... I am non of the above," giggled Savannah.

"But in all honesty I hope no scar is left behind," said Savannah,

"who not? I think things like scars remind people what they've conquered."

"I think it's the permanent-nature of scars that scare me... actually its not even scars just anything permanent really," said Savannah honestly.

"Even tattoos?" asked Leon,

"Yeah, say if we were to get tattoos, twenty years from now we'll be different people, living different lives and it won't mean the same things it used to and bam, tattoo regrets."

"You can't restrict yourself from doing something because the older version of yourself won't approve, you have your whole life to be old, but only get to be young once," chuckled Leon.

"Tattoos, I think, more than anything, are reminders of a life that was lived, even if things do change, it's only a regret if it was a lie."

Savannah had never witnessed Leon talk so much wisdom, that was usually her job.

"It's a good life Savannah, my only regret would be one that was unlived... wasted youth...regretting the things I didn't do instead of the things I did."

"So I take that you're planning on getting a tattoo soon?" asked Savannah, turning her head towards Leon's.

"Yeah, I've been thinking about it for the past three years, but still haven't figured out what to tattoo on my body," said Leon as he turned his face towards hers.

"Yeah I feel you, mate" replied Savannah,

"What would you get?" asked Leon,

Savannah thought long and hard and couldn't think of anything,

"I think for me it needs to be something meaningful, something that represents everything that I am and everything that I aim to be," said Leon after Savannah was taking a fair amount of time to answer.

"I'd probably get an ash tree somewhere," answered Savannah, when she said it, it was as if the words were coming out of someone else's mouth, it was a thought in the deepest depths of her mind and she never dared to think it. Until now.

"Makes sense," replied Leon, in all honesty, Savannah was surprised Leon hadn't laughed at her ridiculously dorky answer.

"You spend more time around this tree than you do around your family," joked Leon.

"Yeah... Lee, I've never told anybody this but, I feel such a close connection to this tree... you know how people have like guardian angels or pets that makes them feel safe?" Leon smiled and nodded.

"Well I feel, sort of a connection to this tree that I don't really understand but it's just like a really comforting presence that makes me feel at ease you know?" Savannah asked bright-eyed.

"I've noticed," answered Leon, "I know its where to find you when I come over... remember in fourth grade when your Dad built us a treehouse up there?" chuckled Leon.

"Yeah," giggled Savannah, "and the time in ninth grade when we tried to hang a swing but completely broke a branch off the tree when we both swung on it?"

Together they laughed, remembering the simpler days.

"Do you feel that type of a connection to a plant of any sort?" asked Savannah,

"Well... it's not one particular plant but I do feel spiritually drawn to palm trees... like if I were to die tomorrow, I would possibly come back in palm tree form," he smiled.

"They just represent warm weather, sunshine, peace... things that remind me that there is good and beauty in the world in the simplest forms," he finished looking satisfied with himself.

Savannah had never known this or never noticed how much they were alike; she saw so much of herself in him.

She felt as if they reached a deeper layer in their friendship as Leon let her in to a deeper layer of himself.

They balanced each other, like day and night, she was once again incredibly grateful for this incredible human being laying beside her.

"Dinner!" called her father,

"Oh shoot, my grandmother's coming for dinner tonight, I better go before my parents lose it!" exclaimed Leon as he got up and dusted himself off.

He gave Savannah a side hug and bade her goodbye, hurriedly making his way to the front door through the house with his school bag over his shoulder.

Savannah walked into the dining room, her mother's seat was empty, next to it was her father who was setting the table, then Mike, who Savannah tried to ignore, and Ben who looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

Ben looked more beaten down than ever, he could barely lift his head up, his eyes were drooping with sadness and his lips were dry,

something was seriously wrong with Ben and Savannah would do anything to fix it.

It amazed her that nobody, not even herself had noticed the terrible state Ben was in.

"Ah Savannah, your mother had an emergency meeting at work, so she won't be with us this evening," said Anthony, burying his face in his newspaper.

Savannah took a seat beside Ben who was absentmindedly playing with his food while running his fingers along the dents of the timber table that he put there with his drum sticks.

"Ben, how was your day buddy?" asked Savannah, trying to sound less worried than she was.

"Yeah I'm good thanks," he said without looking at her or even thinking.

Mike and Anthony seemed indulged in a conversation no doubt about sport, to notice Savannah's efforts to help Ben, when;

"Benji, are you going to enter the talent competition this year?" asked Mike proudly,

Ben looked up at Mike nervously, "No... I-I don't see the point," answered Ben.

Savannah looked at Mike then at Ben trying to piece together a scenario that would make sense and answer why Ben was being like this.

"Don't see the point?! Come on Ben you're a champ! A musical prodigy, don't throw it out the window," answered Anthony passionately.

Ben was hunched over, his curly hair covering up his distraught face, "Ben don't be a quitter, don't throw away your talents and Mum and Dad's efforts out the window!" exclaimed Mike.

Though Mike's and Anthony's words were of good intention to encourage Ben, Savannah was astounded that they didn't notice the damage their words were making to Ben for some reason.

Savannah shot Mike and Anthony a look to signal them to stop, but both remained clueless.

"Ben, you've already discovered your talents, luckily at such a young age, why try anything else?" Mike said arrogantly, although it was probably a dig at Savannah, the less talented member of the family it seemed to hit Ben harder.

"SHUT-UP!" cried Ben, tears streaming down his face, Savannah's heart sank, she wanted to do something, anything to stop whatever pain her little brother was going through.

Before she could think or act, Ben got up pushed his chair back, bolted out of the dining room and up the stairs.

She could hear his footsteps that failed to drown out his howls.

Savannah, Mike and Anthony sat startled and bemused.

"I'll go check on him," Savannah said getting up and making her way out of the dining room when,

"I wasn't that messed up when I was Ben's age was I?" said Mike in that frustratingly arrogant tone that crept it's way back into his voice.

Savannah saw red, she was absolutely disgusted and furious, before she knew it she stopped in her tracks and slowly turned in Mike's direction.

She didn't know what she was going to do, but a familiar fire lit in her eyes, as it did the night her and Mike last made eye contact.

"Ben isn't messed up, but one thing for sure is that you are and always have been an inconsiderate prat!" spat Savannah, anger in every word she spoke.

Mike wore weary look on his face, but the truth was she didn't care how much she offended him, she started to speak before her Dad who looked like he was about to interject.

"You are the big brother, to two people, you're supposed to protect us at all costs but instead you tear us down and preach about how wonderful you are every chance you get!"

"Now Savannah-" said Anthony, but Savannah wasn't listening, she approached Mike's face so that they were eye to eye,

"you may be golden to the eyes of everyone, but to me," Savannah scoffed, "you're nothing but a weak boy with the fragile shell of a man," spoke Savannah, it was the nastiest thing she had ever said to anybody, and she wasn't even sorry.

Mike's nostrils flared, "Oh I'm gonna-"

"what? hit me? you've already done that Mike, and you don't scare me."

Savannah turned around and made her way out before stopping again, "the thing is Michael, you can't expect respect, when you don't give it in return," spoke Savannah, eerily calm.

Savannah for the first time in what seemed like forever was proud of herself, for standing up to her older brother and standing up for her little brother.

She stopped outside Ben's bedroom door, that she noticed wasn't fully shut, she was about to knock when she saw something that shocked her.

Through the crack of the door she saw Ben with his shirt off icing his stomach that was covered in blue and black bruises and red cuts.

He winced and grunted in pain as he tried to numb it and stop the bleeding.

Savannah was horrified, she wanted to stop looking but her eyes were latched onto the horrific scene unfolding in front of her eyes.

Savannah was shocked, her stomach was turning and she felt as if she was going to be sick.

She hurried into her room and opened up the windows trying to calm herself down and avoid a panic attack.

'Why was Ben covered in cuts and bruises? Is he being bullied? By Who? And for how long? Is Ben going through something so dark and grim? Why? And why didn't he tell me?' were some of the questions penetrating Savannah mind.

Her shock turned into anger than into sadness, her little brother is in physical and possible emotional pain and Savannah didn't know what to do.

Her sadness turned into guilt, as she realised the truth that came crashing down around her like an avalanche, making her head spin and her stomach turn.

She was too caught up with her silly little problems to notice what Ben had been going through.