Artemis: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Shino: You're a hazard to society

Rikku: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

Artemis: In your opinion, what's the height of stupidity?

Shino: *turning to Rikku* How tall are you?

Artemis: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Shino: What did you do?

Artemis: Nobody died.

Shino: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Artemis: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

Shino: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

Rikku: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Shizu: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Ronin: My moral code, is that you?

Artemis:

Artemis: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

Artemis: Bye Shino! Bye Rikku! Bye Shizu! Bye Ronin! Bye Shino!

Rikku: You said 'bye Shino' twice.

Artemis: I like Shino.

Artemis: HELP! I TOLD RIKKU I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!

Kiyo, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

*The group is getting into the car*

Artemis: I'm driving.

Shino, out of view: Shotgun!

Rikku, turning to face Shino: Aww! But you had it on the way here-

Everyone except Shino: WOAH-

Shino, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun*

Drink your school, stay in drugs, and get 8 hours of drugs.

The first time I ever got upset in front of Umbra, they put their arms around me and it was so awkward that I had to ask them if they were hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me.

I was doing both, for your information.

The first time Umbra hugged me, it was such a disaster we didn't make eye contact for, like, a week after.

Bet you can't eat 15 crayons!

Bet you I can!

*sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

Nice rock.

Thanks, Artemis gave it to me.

I threw it at you!

Aren't they the sweetest?

A fistfight CAN be romantic.

Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset?

No, I said "Artemis, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset.

Hey besties-

Die.

What did I do to you-

So I was just having a conversation with Kol about Star Wars; particularly, about the choice of architecture. The amount of people who die from falling down bottomless pits is TOO DAMN HIGH! Like, who designs architecture like this? Catwalks with no guard rails whatsoever, just zigging and zagging through enormous voids. Giant holes to nowhere!

It's by design. It's a cleaner look, for a more elegant time.

Like... who the fuck put this hole here???? And why????

Exhaust?

Darth Maul falls down a hole, Palpatine falls down a hole, Solo falls down a hole, everyone falls down a hole! Star Wars universe needs OSHA.

Luke falls down a hole, Boba Fett falls down a hole...

Yes, yes, I forgot about those! R2-D2 falls down a hole in the Millenium Falcon after he fixes the hyperdrive.

We're onto something here!

Obi-Wan almost falls down a hole.

C-3PO falls off the barge into the sand. Pretty close to falling down a hole.

His lightsaber does though.

*Kol thinks hard about what other Star Wars Characters fall down holes*

What if the hole is symbolic? The hole represents the dark side.

Nah, doesn't work. Luke chooses to fall down the hole instead of joining Vader/The Dark Side.

Fair point.

Umbra has no idea I'm high.

You're high?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Umbra has no idea I'm high.

Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Bird Jesus's birthday invitations.

Well, what are they supposed to say?

"Bird Jesus's birthday".

So, what do they say instead?

"Bird Jesus's bi".

Works out either way.

Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

You and me!

*tearing up* Ok.

, rushing into the room: It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset!

Artemis, honey, sit down! Sweetheart, tell us all about it. Rikku, would you get Artemis some water?

What are they gonna do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say, "Thank God, the water's here!"?

What did you two do?

You're not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.

I don't remember that.

Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?

...No.

Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles?

Not especially, no.

It was in between those two things.

*tapping fingers on table*

*taps fingers back furiously*

...What's going on?

Morse code. They're talking.

-.-- ..- .-. / - .... . / -.-. ..- - . ... -

*slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Holy shit, Ronin, do you know what this means?!

Kid, whenever you start doing this, nobody knows what you mean.

*sharpens knife* We've got ways of making people talk.

*cuts piece of cake*

...Can I have some?

Cake is for talkers.

Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves.

Who do we know that has handcuffs?

Well Artemis and I-

*elbows Umbra*

...wouldn't know.

Why is Shino crying on the floor?

They're drunk.

And?

They saw a picture of Artemis's spouse.

But they're Artemis's spouse.

I know.

Hey, I took your soul last month and-

No returns.

*sobbing* But it's making me sad...

Are you tall enough to play basketball though?

Are you calling me short?

I'm calling you vertically challenged.

Caw caw, motherfuckers

*speaking Spanish*

I know, I know.

You speak Spanish?

No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Artemis speaks.

How much did you spend on this date?

$1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

You deserve a reward for putting up with me.

You are my reward.

*meanwhile*

You deserve a reward for putting up with me.

: True, you can be really difficult at times.

I'm afraid of clowns. There, I said it.

Kiyo , if you don't like clowns, why are you hanging with Umbra?

You know what's funny about Ana? They're my best friend, and anyone who'd hurt them is someone I'd murder, probably.

And now for a gay update with Artemis and Shino.

Getting gayer.

Thank you, Artemis.

Time for plan G.

Don't you mean plan B?

No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

What about plan D?

Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

What about plan E?

I'm hoping not to use it. Umbra dies in plan E.

I like plan E.

What's your name?

Can I tell them my real name?

No!

I'm... Umbra.

The ONE TIME they get my name right...

The saying "it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies to Shino.

I'm going to hell.

Probably.

I'll pick you up?

*nodding* Carpool.

What are you two arguing about this time?

They're always using common phrases incorrectly!

Cry me a table, Umbra.

Who hurt you?

*snorting* What, do you want a list?

...Yes, actually.

Hey, can I get a sip of that water?

It's not water.

Vodka! I like your sty-

It's vinegar.

...What?

It's vinegar, PUSSY.

We need a plan to beat them.

Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.

Judge me all you want, I get results.

Pose as a team because SHIT JUST GOT REAL!

There was a motor close to where I am right now.

A motor- a motorcycle?

Oh sorry, a murder.

That escalated quickly.

I've been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the "power nap" button. I don't set up alarms, I set up timers, Kiyo .

If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.

Violently practices.

Violently studies.

Violently sleeps.

Violently shoots pictures.

Violently boxes.

Violently murders people.

Violently worries about the previous statement.

Look, Umbra, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

*crouches down*

*kneels down*

*sits on the floor*

I hate all of you.

Why do you let me win when we race up the stairs? You're the faster one.

Erm... it's nice see your smile when you win!

*later*

They're probably just staring at my ass, aren't they.

Yeah, probably.

Where's Umbra, Artemis, and Bird Jesus?

They're playing hide and seek.

Where?

I don't think you get how this game works.

You read my diary?

At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.

We could attack them with hummus.

I stand corrected.

Just keeping things in perspective.

*is visibly upset*

Yuto, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out candyland wasn't an actual country.

You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.

Those are wanted posters!

Do you ever feel bugs on you when really there's nothing there?

Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed before.

*sobs*

You fucking scared them, you idiot.

Shino doesn't look very happy.

That's their happy. They're just a bitch.

Dumbest scar stories, go!

I burned my tongue once drinking tea.

I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned.

I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.

I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it in my hand and I got a really bad burn.

I have emotional scars.

Stressed.

Depressed.

Possessed.

Obsessed.

Impressed.

Chicken breast.

...What?

I just wanted to join in.

Fight me!

*mouths* Do not.

When's the last time you slept?

Uh... a few days ago, I think.

A few- how many?!

Uh... *starts counting on fingers* I need more fingers...

What you need is sleep!

So, are you two dating now?

Yes.

Why?

I happen to find Artemis very appealing.

Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Artemis.