her voice sounded a little familiar but i didn't know from where.

"sure about that darling?" i said, grinding on her lap.

her breathing felt heavy against my chest as i felt something poke me from beneath.

what the fuck.

the last time i felt something like this was when i was with-

"Billie?!" i yelled, jumping off of her lap. "what the fuck?"

she tore the blindfold off as soon as i yelled and glared into my brown eyes.

"Luna! i-i'm sorry i-" Billie said.

as much as i missed those ocean eyes i couldn't possibly fall into them again. i had never fallen from quite that high and it was a scary experience i will never go back to.

"what the fuck are you doing here?" i asked her.

"i came with a friend, it's literally my first time." she replied.

Billie began ticking a little and rolled her eyes.

"save that bullshit and get out of here." i told Billie.

i was not going to let in so easily. as pretty and hypnotising as her eyes are i wasn't going to give in. i couldn't.

"why do you hate me so bad? huh?" she asked.

"why do i hate you? you didn't give me a choice about wether or not we where going to keep the baby. then you fucked some bitch at my workplace and had the balls to run after me begging for me to accept your apology! oh! and you're a famous billionaire who's won four fucking Grammy's!" i screamed.

"how many times are we gonna have this fight, Luna? hmm? can't we just sit down and talk calmly like adults. please?" she asked.

listen to her, Luna. at least you'll be on good terms then, if you sort it out.

but wait? i'm not the one who's wronged themselves here. it's her.

"it's not even my fault." i said.

"please let me speak." she replied.

i stayed quiet and we both sat on the floor to talk it out.

Billie said, "first of all, i'm sorry about the baby. it was because i-"

"was famous? yeah, i know. you lied to me, Billie." i cut her off.

"i know and i'm sorry. i just couldn't possibly tell you because for once, for once in my life you didn't know me and you treated me like i was a normal person. and i felt like a normal person, you know? i felt comfortable being someone i wasn't." she explained.

fuck. cupid really has me in a chokehold.

"i really just wanted to get an abortion because it hadn't gone public that i'm intersex. and i don't know if it ever will but having to have a baby and hide that for years would've been so fucking hard. they don't even know i'm queer and i wasn't mentally prepared to keep it, Luna. i mean, we knew each other for week." she said.

"i know, but i just felt too guilty to get rid of it." i explained. "that baby still had a life."

"come on, that baby didn't even have a heart yet." she said. "either way, i'm sorry. i didn't know what to do."

"neither did i." i replied.

"may i ask what you did in the end?" she asked.

i looked down and fiddled with my gloves before looking back up at her.

"i got rid of it." i said, my voice cracking halfway through. "i didn't want them to grow up without their other mum."

"i'm so sorry, Luna." Billie tried to out her hands on mine but i pushed her away.

"and that bitch you fucked?" i asked.

"i was blackout drunk and she came onto me. one second i was drinking with her and the next i was in the bathroom with my pants down." she explained.

"well you certainly didn't get her off once you woke up." i said.

"i was high off of so many things that day. i was so bad. and we weren't even dating, so you can't even say i cheated on you." Billie replied.

i looked her in the eyes. she was so filled with sorrow, pain and guilt but i didn't know what to say. or what to do.

"you wouldn't believe how much fans actually see of you until you see it yourself. i'm literally praying that nobody ever finds out about my gender. the public would go crazy with that shit. and i can't even imagine what the fuck they would say to it." she explained.

apologise now. the fuck?

no. she deserves to feel what i felt for months. for months i cried myself to sleep, overthinking it all. how i missed all of it? all along? what if she had just played me?

she's pure and you know it. she trusted you with such valuable information. things that could ruin her public image.

"i'm sorry." she said.

"okay. i don't forgive you." i replied.

"Luna, i said i'm sorry." Billie repeated.

"yeah. and i do not forgive you. i was lost for months, Billie. wondering who i was without you. and then i became Ayla." i told her, pointing at my outfit.

"you know what happened that night we argued?" she said, adjusting herself while her tics became more noticeable. "i tried to kill myself, Luna. remember that one beach that we went to? i drove right into that sea. next thing i knew i was in the hospital."

i stayed quiet and looked at her.

"my brother wanted me to go to rehab. i said no. i said i could handle it. i could stop the drugs but i only became better at hiding it from him. and the only reason i didn't quit was because i knew if i numbed myself for long enough, i wouldn't feel anything." she told me.

she broke eye contact and began twisting the rings on her finger around.

"and maybe, eventually, i'd forget about you." Billie whispered.

i stayed quiet and let her continue speaking. i mainly didn't know what to say.

"but of course that never happened. i couldn't stop thinking about you. no matter how many drugs i took or how many shots, not even the bitches i fucked! i just couldn't stop thinking about that one girl who set my soul on fire." she said. "only you."

"Billie, i don't-" i replied.

"you don't feel it anymore. i know. i get it. i'm sorry." she got up and made her way to the door.

she turned to look back at me, "goodbye."

Billie walked to the door and shut it behind her as i was left alone with my thoughts.

go after her.

no! you have go let her go.

it's fucking fate!

you need to get better.

"man fuck this shit!" i yelled and followed after her.

Billie had only made her way down half of the corridor before i managed to catch up.

"Luna i-" she said but i kissed her before she managed to speak any more.

i pulled away and looked into her eyes with my hands cupped against her face.

"i thought you didn't-" she took my hands off her face.

"just shut up and kiss me." i panted.

she pulled me in by the waist and pressed my lips onto hers while my arms slinked around her neck.

i felt like my lips where on fire because i had been craving this for ages. and when it had finally arrived the butterflies in my stomach had never been worse.

she pulled away and glared into my eyes, "i'm sorry."

she turned back and walked down, away from me.

"Billie wait!" i called while running after her.

she continued to walk down the hallway before i pulled her shoulder back.

"i'm sorry." i panted. "i'm sorry."

"i know." she replied, cupping my face. "you're too good for me."

i stopped as she carried on walking away. Billie pulled up her hood and left, closing the door behind her.

fuck. shit. fuck.

i started tearing up after leaving Luna there. i know i could've handled it better, but there was nothing left for me to do there. i just had to go.

"how was it!" Maeve asked.

i looked at her and rubbed the tears in my eyes.

"what happened?" she held me in her arms and kissed my head. "what's wrong, Bil?"

i sobbed all over her shoulder before wiping my tears and leaving to get into my car. i didn't say a word to her.

"Billie?" Maeve said.

"hm?" i replied, keeping my eyes on the road.

"what happened in there?" she asked again.

"nothing. don't worry about it." i said and drove to my cabin.

"no. i will worry about it. because you walked into a fucking private which is also a place i'd expect you to come out of with a massive ass boner, but you came out with tears instead. what the fuck happened, Billie?" she spoke, tugging on my arm.

"nothing!" i shoved her off. "i don't need you to be all therapist with me right now! so please just leave it alone!"

i swerved and began driving to Maeve's apartment.

"okay. i'm sorry." she replied. "where are we going?"

"you're going to your house." i sighed.

"okay." she said, sounding a little disappointed.

when we arrived, i parked and she got out of the car.

"you can text me about it later if you want." she said.

"i'm good." i replied and drove off.

i drove back to my place and immediately went down to the vibe room.

"where the fuck is it!" i yelled, pushing all of the glasses and plates off of the table.

you know what i was looking for at this point.

i locked the vibe room door so nobody could come in and strip searched my room for the stuff i needed.

"fuck!" i yelled, searching every drawer and cabinet i had but they where all useless.

every time i didn't find them i was loosing all hope. it's like every bit of sanity in me was slowly draining out.

i pulled off the pillows on the couch before i found a packet filled with with coke buried within it.

"yes! fuck yes! finally!" i sighed, scooping it up with my fingers and snorting it all before i even got the chance to crush it up.

i propped myself up on the wall and slid down it, while i buried my face in my hands and poked my eyes out.

"fucking fuck up!" i yelled, fisting my head over and over. "why do you fuck everything up for everyone! so fucking worthless!"

my head began to throb before i realised it.

"why isn't this fucking working!" i cried and got up to find something else.

i went over to my alcohol cabinet and drank bottle after bottle- just throwing them across the room to shatter without a fuck in the world.

"fuck!" i yelled over and over again. "fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck!"

i sobbed into a pillow while hugging it, perhaps the comfort would console me in a way, but it didn't.

i ran up the stairs and the nearest knife i could find before pulling my pants down. my hands shook in fear because i had not done what i was going to do for years.

i sat down on the floor and sobbed while i dragged the silver across my skin- expecting it to paint red but instead it was white.

i winced as it tore me apart, before dropping the knife to hear a clutter. i smiled as i saw the white slowly fill into a dark red, laughing with pure devastation in my eyes.

what the fuck had i done?

was i stupid to love you?

i ran my finger along the now- dripping red line and held it up to my lips before tasting it.

nothing beats the bittersweet taste of blood.

"oh fuck." i whispered as the blood dripped all over the floor. "shit."

i got up and wrapped a paper towel around it before i pulled up my pants.

i went back to the vibe room and stared at the coloured ceiling- leaving the trippy patters engulf me whole.

it wasn't until i got a better idea. i ran to the bathroom and searched through all of the different pills i had. i was looking for a specific bottle and when i had found it, the feeling of relief had never sunk over me quicker.

"fuck yes!" i yelled as i made my way to the kitchen.

i poured out a few tablets into my palm and downed them all in one go.

"this will be better." i sighed before laying down on the floor.

i closed my eyes for a few minutes before i started to feel it kicking in. by 'it' i meant the guilt.

i hadn't had a relapse this bad since i was 17. two relapses in one day? fuck. i felt the warm salty tears on my cheeks begin to flow again.

i don't need a xanny to feel better.