Luna grinded her hips against mine, making me moan a little. i picked her up and wrapped her legs around my waist. i walked her over to the bed, still holding our kisses and placed her on the bed carefully. but again, she kept feeling a sense of discomfort because of my boner.

"your wallet, Billie." she said.

"Luna." i said.

"hmm?" she asked.

i shifted a bit and moved my boner so it didn't poke her as much, "that's my dick."

i didn't know how to tell her, i haven't told many people about it before and that's why i was scared to tell her. but i feel like i can trust her, if this got out public, i'd be ruined. my public image would be ruined and i don't think 'Billie the intersex millionaire celebrity' is something i wanna be called.

"oh." she said, shocked. "trans? intersex?"

"intersex, i got it from birth." i said. "i haven't told many people about it, so please, keep it between us."

"alright." she said.

i think that weirded things out between us and i got angry at myself for telling her so quickly and not giving her any time. i regret telling her, i knew it would make her uncomfortable.

"hey, i'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable." i said, looking her in the eyes.

she glared into mine and replied saying, "no! it's okay, you didn't make me uncomfortable. i'm just unsure."

"of what?" i asked, searching in her eyes to see if i could find the answers quicker.

"i don't know, Billie. it's kinda late, i think you should go." she said.

"oh." i replied.

i left her house not long after and she thanked me for helping the situation with Amber, even though all i did was attack that guy. i got in my car and felt like driving into an ocean the entire time.

i've been with girls before, just not so affectionately, it was mainly with a girl who just wanted sex all the time, and i do know what to do but i also don't. i don't know if she wants to fuck now, i don't even know if she likes me and she definitely doesn't like the fact that i'm intersex or a dick. either way, i hope it blows over soon.

i shut the door as Billie drove away.

a dick? a fucking dick? she has a dick?

that's why somethings always poking me when me make out. i turn her on. you see, i am into Billie, but the thought if dick turns me off so much. i hate it. i hate dick. it's just so weird and scary. i've never been with a man and that's why I feel so scared because I know Billie isn't a man but she still has a penis and that scares me for some reason.

I took a shower and got changed into some shorts and I went to sleep that night regretting letting Billie leave. i felt bad for letting her go just because she was telling me about her gender and that shouldn't be something that affects me so much. i don't know why let it get to me but I guess I was scared.

it took me hours to sleep because i couldn't get over the fact that i made Billie leave just because of who she was. but i think we need to just talk it out because it's all my fault and i have to apologise to her.

I've got home and worked on a new song with Finneas. it was about one of the dreams I had the other day, where I got 'everything I wanted' and that's what I named it. we made an album cover first of the Golden Gate Bridge and what happened in that dream is that I've basically jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge into the river and nobody noticed me drown and nobody came to help.

it's a depressing song, i know, but i love it and honestly, i think it's gonna be a big hit. i hope its a big hit. Finneas and i spent about 2-3 hours on that song before calling it a night.

i got into bed, exhausted, my knuckles remained red and Finneas didn't question it, nor the scratches on my face. he knows what i get up to and what i mean by that is that i'm in a gang, so shit like that goes down all the time. when my parents ask, i blame it on skateboarding.

i tried to get to sleep but Luna kept crossing my mind. i really liked this girl, as much as i hated to admit it. i needed something to calm my nerves and so i rolled a blunt and and smoked the thing before passing out. i've been smoking since i was 14, since i found out i liked girls. i don't know why i did, but i never spoke of it to my parents, nor Finneas. im afraid of what they'll think of me, even though i've purchased multiple pride flags and brought them in during concerts and other gay shit. this one time i licked the top a water bottle and the crowd went crazy!

they probably know i'm gay, i have a pride flag hung up in my room and i always brought home a girl who was 'a friend,' but we'd end up locking the door a lot. my mum actually locked on my door this time time i was getting head and i ended up cumming all over the floor and so we had to lie down on it to cover it up because cleaning it up would take too long.

i woke up and got dressed for work like every other ordinary day. i felt something in my pocket and pulled it out, it was the letter my mum wrote me before her overdose, except because i had put my pants in the washer - the writing had faded. i don't know if i felt relieved or agitated that it happened, but i threw it in the trash can and left it.

i fed Bax and ate breakfast before leaving the house, but Billie wasn't there today. i didn't expect her to come, it isn't something i'm expecting her to do everyday but i was kinda hoping that shes be there so i could apologise for everything and get it all over and one with. i couldn't bear the guilt of what i had said and did to her yesterday and that put us on a bad spot.

fuck.

i don't even have her number or address. so i cant even contact her, she would either have to contact me or we would have to cross paths again. i'm such a dumbass for not getting her number. i drove slowly to work, hoping that Billie would be on her way to my house and was actually just running late, but i didn't see her car pass by at all.

just then it occurred to me, i knew nothing about this girl compared to what she knew about me.

i took a shower and walked Shark to the park, taking laps around it and letting him chase the ducks. he adores the park so much but he ended up running into the pond the ducks where in and i had to pull him back otherwise he would've pulled me in too.

when i came back, Finneas' girlfriend, Claudia, was here. she came over for breakfast, which were vegan bacon, vegan eggs, toast and beans.

"hey Bill!" Claudia said, helping herself to some bacon.

"hey Claudia, how are you?" i asked.

"i'm good, how are you? you coming to join us?" she replied.

"no it's okay, i have to meet up with a friend." i said.

i left the kitchen, hearing her and Finneas talking and laughing. i went up to my room and called a friend of mine.

"yo D! can i swing by right now?" i asked him.

"yeah, sure brah. i gotta few clients so be nice, alright?" Diego said.

"alright, i'm on my way." i said and ended the call.

Diego's my best friend, we met during freshman year and we've been good friends ever since. the main reason as why that is is because he's also my plug. he got me into it too. we hang out his crib - its like a little cabin and he just does most of his dealing there - it's in the middle of nowhere so it's perfect because the cops will never see it and if they did we could just torch it and they wouldn't know shit.

"what's up, my man?" i said, dabbing him up.

"nothing much, Eilish." he said.

Diego was brown skinned and had a goatee, well not a goatee but like an evolved goatee, like it was a stubble too. he had green eyes and a slit in his right eyebrow.

"what you got?" i asked, looking at the table.

"i got heroine, cocaine and a little meth." he said.

"meth?!" i yelled. "no way! from where? who?"

"i have my sources." he chucked.

"is anyone buying it?" i asked.

"yeah they're all sold out, sorry B." he said. "but we do have a little LSD here."

"pass that shit." i said and ripped off about four tabs. "saving these for later! thanks D!"

"anytime B, anytime." he told me.

i cupped his face and kissed him on the head.

"love ya!" i yelled and left.

i got into my car and popped a couple tabs on my tongue, feeling them dissolve. the fizzing was the best part, the longest i've been sober was for 2 weeks and that was when i was hospitalised for breaking spine on a trampoline. i rushed over to the Orchid and burst through the front door.

"has anyone seen my wife?" i yelled.

"so that girl from yesterday, Billie, was it? you guys a thing?" Amber asked.

"no, i- it's complicated." i sighed.

we were drying the wet beer cups while Kevin was watching soccer on tv.

"what do you mean?" they said.

"we met on a rooftop and then hung out the entire night and fooled around. she picked me up for work yesterday morning and when I went home we were meant to hang out like go to dinner or something but we ended up making out and i kept feeling something poking me. i asked her what it was and she told me she has a dick. i guess i just don't know how to feel about it." i rambled.

"woah. transgender?" Amber asked.

"no. intersex. but i really like her and told her to go home after and felt bad about it." i said.

"well, I think you should just talk it out with her because to be honest, if you do like her I think you should be willing to try and experiment with her. I know you don't like penis but you have to try otherwise you won't know." they said.

"you're right. I just don't have any way of contacting her because I don't have her number and only she knows where I live and work." i said.

all of a sudden i hear someone burst through the doors.

"has anyone seen my wife?" Billie yelled.

"well there's your gal." Amber said.

"Billie. what the fuck? why are you here?" i asked.

"i came to find my princess, of course." she slurred.

i took her by the arm and dragged her outside.

"what's wrong with you? are you drunk?" i asked.

"don't you just love being high and drunk at the same time? I swear to you, it's the best feeling in the world." she said, staring up at the sky.

"what did you take?" i asked her, taking her temperature.

she felt a bit sweaty.

"a couple tabs of LSD and several margaritas." she told me, rolling her eyes.

I walked into the bar and told and Amber to cover my shift and that I'd go home and take care of Billie. as i was driving, she propped her feet up against the dashboard and laid backwards, staring at me.

"you're so beautiful, you know that." she said.

"Billie you don't mean that." i said, focusing on the road.

"do you know about that dream I was telling you about the other day? the one where I got everything I wanted? i wrote a song about it and I think it's gonna be a great hit." she said.

"oh yeah?" i asked.

"yeah, I think people are gonna love it." she began dozing off but i slapped her leg to wake her up.

"hey! stay awake because I can't carry you inside." i said, pulling up.

i wrapped my arm around Billie's waist and helped her walk into the house. i close the door behind me and placed her carefully on the bed, hearing her sign as her head hit the pillow. i got her tucked in and sat on the bed with her. she grunted in pain as her stab wound pressed against the bed.

"i'm so sorry, Billie." i said and kissed her forehead.

"You know I really couldn't sleep last night." she said.

"and why was that?" i asked.

"you were on my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I felt so bad about what I told you and I'm sorry for making you really uncomfortable"

"Billie, we can talk about this later. it's not your fault." i explained

"no. I wanna apologise because I had to get a high in order to fall asleep." she groaned.

"well. i'm sorry." i whispered.

her eyes had fluttered close and she looked so pretty asleep. her scent began rubbing onto my bedsheet's. Billie's soft breathing touched my skin as i wrapped my arm around her chest, holding her. before i knew it, i had fallen asleep too.