i awoke to the sound of my dog, Baxter, barking. again? i really have to do this again? nothing really mattered to me anymore. i didn't care. every time i slept i just hoped i'd never wake up. but here i am staring at the ceiling yet again, with cracks of sunlight seeping through my curtains. i stared for longer, letting the white matte paint consume me. feeling the plain, dried out walls build themselves around me, engulf me. into nothingness. but Baxter's constant barks broke me out of my long trance. i picked up my phone to check the time. it was precisely two in the afternoon.

fuck.

i slept through my alarm and my mum didn't even come to wake me up either. i was late for work. i pulled myself out of bed and cleaned myself up in the bathroom before putting on some jeans and tee. i tied my hair in a messy bun and fed Baxter. my life is nothing fun. this is a good day for me considering i haven't cried yet. can't promise that though. i fed myself a bowl of coco pops, they reminded me a lot of my childhood, when i'd wake up every morning to my sister jumping on my bed and my dad calling me bug all the time. he developed a drinking addiction and my mum kicked him out of the house. a few years later they divorced and so my mum had to work hard for us two for years, but most of that money went down the drain after she had her gambling addiction. she wasn't good but she won twenty thousand once and spent it all on jewellery. part of the reason why i like in a bungalow in a dodgy town and why i got used to having cold showers instead of warm ones. i put on my shoes and was getting read to leave.

"im going to work now bye mum!" i yelled out but she didn't answer. "mum?"

i figured she'd be smoking a blunt right now or sexting someone on a dating app. she always said she'd try to get a sugar daddy but it never worked. i walked over to her room and knocked on her door. once. twice. she didn't reply. i creaked her door open to see her laying there on the bed. her arm stretched far out holding a pot of pills, most scattered on the floor. disbelief struck me as i hurried over clasping her tight and begging for her to wake up but she remained with her eyes closed.

panic rose as i fumbled through my bag searching for my phone to call 911. i checked her pulse waiting for a beat but there was nothing.

"911 whats your emergency?" the responder asked.

"its my mum i- i think she took too many pills." i said.

"okay ma'am is there a pulse?" she said.

"no i checked. she isn't breathing." i answered.

"what pills did she take?" the responder asked.

"i- im not sure the labels been scratched off." i claimed.

"okay ma'am, stay calm, deep breaths for me. we're on our way to you now." the responder said.

i tried to perform cpr but it was no use. nothing could save her. she was already gone. i hugged her gently closing my eyes and imagining that she'd be holding me, running her fingers through my hair or giving me 'boy advice' even though i wasn't into them, but when i opened my eyes all i saw where pills scattered on the floor. i kissed her hand before realising that she had an envelope clutched in her hand. there was no name on the front. i opened it and saw a little paragraph written.

my dear Luna, if you are reading this, i'm already dead. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i couldn't be the mother you wanted me to be. i'm sorry that i couldn't take it anymore. i'm sorry i couldn't save your sister or provide you with a nicer life. i'm sorry i wasn't home on time and when i got home you'd be fast asleep. i remember coming home to a dinner that had gotten cold and a little note next to it saying 'i love you.' i'm so sorry that i failed as a mother, Luna and i just want you to know that i love you. i'm sorry, Lun.

i folded the note up and slid it into my pocket. i could hear the ambulance sirens ascending do i opened up the door and watched them take her out in a black body back several minutes after. Baxter whined and i hugged him in attempt to console myself but it did nothing. they took my statement and declared it as suicide along with their condolences.

a few days passed quick, all i did was stare, book the funeral and stare a bit more. Baxter wasn't doing so good either. i was shit at taking care of him. the funeral was for today, i had nobody to tell so i went alone. i got up and looked in the mirror to see that i had the same outfit on as that Monday but i didn't give a fuck. i rummaged through her wardrobe to find a black dress of hers and wore it to go. i left Bax at home because i didn't want him to get too sad. some animals can die of depression and he was all i had. as i say that i should probably take care of him more often but i think feeding him is all i have the energy to do right now.

when i got there her casket was full of flowers. i told them to do it for me and paid extra for that. there was a picture of her on the side, she hated that dress but i loved it. the rain showered on me, i looked up at the sky to see the moon.

'you know why i picked your name, i loved how pretty the moon was so much when i was a child and so i decided to name you Luna, in the hopes that you'd be more beautiful than the moon and you are.'

that's one of the things she said. i sometimes wonder if when my dad looks up at the moon he thinks of me too. i don't think about my dad very often but now that mums gone he's the only parent of mine alive. i sat by her coffin for hours in silence, enjoying the moons company because for some reason seeing it felt more alive in my mum's presence than the casket beside me. i didn't recognise that woman. her soul seemed so empty and cold.

i left after it got dark and decided to go to work straight after, but it wasn't to work. i walked in to see many friends and acquaintances greet me.

"hey Lu! haven't seen you in a hot minute, how you doing my girlie?"

"hey Luna, what's up!"

"there's my girl! we all missed you! can i get woop woop for my girl Luna!" Amber announced.

"woop! woop!" the crowd changed over and over.

"what are we waiting for? lets get this party started!" i yelled, hearing our customers applauded and cheer.

i served myself at the bar having drink after drink while serving drinks to our customers. usually our bar has a crowd of about 30 drunks everyday. i began dancing with my friend Amber for a while, drowning ourselves in vodka. Amber's non- binary which i think is pretty cool and even though we've only been friends for six months we're quite good ones.

after a while i stole a bottle and made my way to the rooftop of this abandoned which is empty most of the time and sat my bottle down. i dangled my legs on the edge and chugged the whole bottle, then dropped it and watched as it fell through to the ground. i imagined if my body would shatter like that if i hit the ground. i'm fragile but not like that.

"take me." i whispered out quietly.

"take me." i repeated over and over.

"take me." i shouted, standing on the ledge, looking down at the people below me avoid the shattered glass.

"take me." i said and closed my eyes while spreading my arms out.

"hey!" a voice from me called from behind.