As soon as I close the bathroom door behind me, I fall to my knees and throw up violently into the toilet. The welcome home breakfast Mom spent so long on making for me leaves me in a rush and my stomach clenches painfully, my throat burning like it's on fire. Thank goodness my room is on the second floor of the house so nobody can hear me up here. The last thing I need is questions and to be watched under inquisitive eyes, like I'll break at any given moment. I already spent enough of my years going through that.

I flush the toilet and stand up to wash out my mouth. I brush my teeth then wash my face, stumbling out of my bathroom to flop on to my bed. I grunt in pain when my knee hits the frame and I curls my legs into me so I can fit on the mattress. I forgot how small this bed is. For a girl who's 5'10, this just won't cut it.

I flop on to my back and stare at the ceiling. There's still remnants of the glowing star stickers I put up there years ago. They've peeled off and faded but they're still there. My room is almost exactly the way I left it and I smile at how my parents have maintained it as if I still live here. Their thoughtfulness is just one of the reflections of how amazing they are. I miss them so much when I'm in California but my hatred of Boston usually outweighs that.

I close my eyes and fight the demons threatening to stir up my mind and take me back to the dark place I fought tooth and nail to get out of. I'm glad I came down her for Nate and even more glad I managed to help him keep his son but it came at a cost. The cost of my past. I can almost hear every cry and beg for it to stop, can almost feel every slap and punch and kick, and a shudder rolls through me.

I'm not that girl anymore. I never will be again. I changed for the better. Well, mostly.

My fingers itch to grab another Xanax from my suitcase but I stop myself. I'm becoming way too lenient on them to get me through the day and I already took one a couple of hours earlier before my meeting with the McNeils. At least until I threw it up.

I turn over to my side and hug my pillow tightly. I know I told my family I would move back to Boston but how will I do that when I've only been here less than two days and already feel like I'm suffocating? I thought I could do this.

"Damn." I whisper to no one in particular and wipe the one lone tear on my face.

I grab my phone from my bed stand and dial Lenny's number. I love her for picking up right away.

"Hey! How'd the meeting go, babe?"

"Another successful win. Sent the chicken shit running all over again."

"That's my badass best friend." She whoops and I smile. It fades all to quickly when she solemnly asks, "And how are you feeling? Being back there?"

"Like I'm drowning." I answer honestly. My voice has dropped to a whisper. "I see him everywhere. He's not here but he is here. The smallest noise is making me jump out of my skin and I'm too scared to even walk in my own house."

I hear Lenny curse under her breath before she moves to a place where there's no background noise. "I'm so sorry, babe. I wish I could be there with you."

"It's okay. Better get used to it, right?" I ask wryly.

"Aria, if you're not ready to move back we don't have to. I'm sorry if you felt that I pressured you earlier to change your mind. We can always postpone."

"But for how much longer, Lenny? My entire life is passing by me from all the postponing I've been doing it. I just have to suck it up and get through it. Build a bridge and get over it. Besides, I still have more than half a year to mentally prepare myself. We're not moving until November."

"I know but just keep in mind that staying back is an option. Don't push yourself, especially not over something like this."

"I know. Thank you."

"Are you good now?"

"Mostly. I threw up but I actually feel better because of it. Now, I have to go get ready for the celebration dinner."

"Let me know if you need anything. I'm just one call away, okay? Love you, hottie."

"Love you, thottie." I return my nickname for her.

We end the call and I set my alarm clock to go off in two hours. The dinner is three hours away and I'll need an hour for getting ready and driving there combined. I pull my covers over me and burrow into the familiar mattress, the feeling of it giving me a sense of nostalgia that calms me from the inside. Here, I can pretend I'm a kid again. Before my world was ripped out from underneath my feet and took away every shred of my happiness.

I'm not that girl anymore.

It's a mantra I chant to myself until sleep eventually takes me and thankfully, not a single nightmare finds me.

***

I double check my appearance in the mirror and approve of what reflects back. I kept my attire casual for dinner with form-fitting jeans, a tight maroon full-sleeved v-neck shirt, and a black lace cardigan on top to add just a hint of class. I pair the outfit with block-heeled ankle boots and decide to keep my hair up in its ponytail to show off my hoop earrings. After one final inspection of my makeup, I decide I'm good to go.

I make my way downstairs and find my sisters lounging on the couches, each doing their own thing.

"Who's riding in my car?" I call out.

"Me!" All four of them answer.

That just makes me laugh. I missed the hell out of my munchkins. I love that I have my own unique bond with each of them. It can get pretty annoying having sisters but it's also one of the best things in the world.

"Well, it's a five-seater so we should all fit."

"Ditching the parents already?" Dad walks into the living room with a hand on his chest. "You're breaking my heart."

"The parents aren't flying away to California at the end of the week." Mia quips.

Dad flicks her ear. "You're annoying."

"Leave them alone." Mom chides, joining us a moment later.

Dad tugs at his collar, his eyes doing a slow graze of Mom's body. "Damn, baby. You look amazing."

I smile at the two of them. I don't think I've ever seen a couple so in love with each other as my parents. Half the time they act like hormonal teenagers and I love giving them shit for it but it's also the cutest thing ever. Their relationship is what I've always wanted and it makes me sad that I ended up with the complete opposite. I haven't dated anyone since Robbie and quite frankly, I don't want to.

"You look handsome yourself." Mom stretches on to her toes to kiss him.

The two of them are one hell a duo. I can only hope I look as good as them when I'm their age. Dad has the salt-and-pepper hair going on but that's the only tell of what his age might be. He's managed to maintain his physique and naturally sharp features. Mom compliments him perfectly being as stunning as she is. Her naturally curvy body has remained intact and her thick brown hair barely has grey's. The two of them have been turning heads individually and together all their lives.

"What about your kids?" Lexie asks sarcastically.

"Hey, now." Dad winks, slinging his arm around Mom's waist. "We made the five most beautiful girls on the planet. You all better know how stunning you are."

"And by you all he means me." I say solemnly.

"Because you are the most beautiful." Harmony nods.

"Aw, squirt." I sit beside her and give her a tight hug. She still has the kindest heart I've ever known.

"When can I start wearing lipstick like you?" She asks, pointing to my red lips.

I smile. "When you're a little older, honey."

"Is that mine?" Lexie leans close and squints. "I know that shade. It is, isn't it?"

"Thanks." I grin and she rolls her eyes. "Oh, come on. You can borrow a new top from me."

"Deal." She says immediately and I laugh.

"Can't you stay longer than a week?" Eleanor asks from my other side.

"I wish I could, Elle. I just have too many cases to finish up with."

"Is it true that you're moving back soon?" She asks with wide eyes. My sweet, sweet girl. Always so innocent and optimistic.

I think of my earlier episode and the panic attack that caused me to throw up. I think about that awful and gut-wrenching feeling when all the memories I tucked away rushed back to me with full force. But then I look around at the cautiously hopeful eyes of my family as they stare at me and wait for an answer. How could I possibly keep staying away from them?

"You bet. If everything goes according to plan, I should be here permanently by November."

"Really?" Mom whispers and tears gather in her eyes.

I feel my heart clench. No one was more ripped apart at the news of my abuse than my mother. The pain she felt was on a level nobody else could understand. Regret and guilt make my throat tight but I speak past it. "Yeah, Mom. Really."

"Now that's another thing to celebrate." Dad says gruffly. He clears his throat suspiciously.

"Daddy." I say softly. He took the news just as bad. He couldn't even look me in the eye for a week because it would make him burst into tears. He thought he'd failed to protect me and it took a long time to convince him otherwise.

"Come on." He says. "Let's go and celebrate the good things the way they deserve to be."

I smile. That's a damn good point.

All of us make our way out to the driveway to get in our respective cars. I'm just about to climb into the driver's seat when I hear a door open and look over my shoulder to find Mr. and Mrs. Pryce walk out of their house. My brows draw together in confusion. Aren't they supposed to be in New York?

"Aria!" They exclaim when they see me.

I smile, signalling a finger to my family to let them know I need a minute before jogging over to them.

"It's so good to see you both." I say as I give them hugs. "I'm glad you guys are back."

"Back?" Darren asks. "Back from where?"

Now I'm more confused than ever. "Ash said..."

"Oh! Was he with you right now?" Abigail asks expectantly.

Huh.

It takes me a second to realize Asher lied. We thought he was in New York and his parents think he's here. The question is, where the fuck is he and why did he lie about it?

"No but he's supposed to meet us for dinner." That, at least, is the truth.

"How did the meeting go? Did you make that family cry? I bet you did." Darren is practically bouncing on his toes with excitement.

"What's that nickname Cameron has for the asshole?" Abigail snaps her finger. "Peabody. Classic."

I laugh in amusement. These two never fail to make me laugh.

"I didn't make him cry but his Mama sure did."

"A Mama's boy? I can't believe I missed that." Darren actually looks put out.

"It was a sight to see." I waggle my brows. "Will I be seeing you guys later?"

"Anytime. You know you're more than welcome in our home." Abigail pats my cheek.

"Awesome. I'll stop by tomorrow, then. See you." I call out and wave to the two, heading back to the car.

The whole ride to the restaurant I wrack my brain for reasons why Asher might have lied. Does it have something to do with the letters he's been getting? God, I hope not. That would be fucking catastrophic and we all know it. Does Nate know he lied? Probably not. That just makes me more worried because Asher never lies to us. If he has something to hide then it's bad. Goddamn it, what has he gotten himself into this time?

Before I know it, we're at the restaurant and the girls are already taking off their seatbelts. We all step out on to the parking lot.

"Be there in a sec." I tell my family.

"Don't be too long." Mom calls and they start walking inside.

I pull out my phone and dial Nate's number, intending to ask him to come meet me in the parking lot. It goes to voicemail and I figure he's too busy with Del and Zack, as he should be. They're all probably inside the restaurant so I'll have to talk to him later.

"Damn it." I kick the wheel of the car.

"You okay, Miss?"

I stop breathing.

That fucking voice.

My heart drops to my stomach and I spin around on my heel, my eyes meeting with familiar transparent blue ones — the same eyes that changed my life when I first saw them sixteen years ago. The same eyes that belong to my best friend, if I can even call him that anymore.

My voice quivers and I'm not proud of it. "Hey, Ash."

I see the exact moment he realizes who I am. His eyes widen and he takes a step back, like he's seen a ghost. His mouth parts and there's a huge pause where we do nothing but stare at each other. It's almost like time stops existing and freezes just for us.

"Princess?" He finally asks softly, tentatively.

God, that fucking nickname. How can I love and hate it at the same time?

"I..." His mouth opens and closes as he tries to find the words. He looks floored and I don't blame him.

He hasn't been able to see me in person ever since I left Boston seven years ago. My family always visited me in California and Asher was just never able to tag along. The last time he saw me properly, because FaceTime can only do so much justice, I was a scrawny little thing with a sunken face and hollow eyes. Now? I couldn't look more different.

I've filled out my body the way it's meant to, nearly identical to Mom's curvy frame. I went from a flat-chested A Cup from the dramatic weight loss to a full C cup. My ass is just as proportionate to my body without being too big or too small for my frame. My face is fuller and more alive and no longer worn out. I'm proud of how far I've come to look as good as I do and clearly I'm not the only one appreciating the change.

"Good to see you." I offer awkwardly. For some reason, the idea of hugging him feels off even though it shouldn't. This is the guy I've spent most of my life with.

"Hell." He rasps, shaking his head slowly. "I barely recognized you. You...you look really beautiful."

I think I actually blush. Fucking blush. "Thank you. Far cry from what I looked like years ago, huh?"

His brows draw together as I laugh nervously. "You were always beautiful, Ria."

I look away at that. I didn't think he ever noticed my looks in that way. We've been platonic all our life and that's not just something you point out.

"You look good, too." I offer although I'm looking at the ground as I say it.

It's no surprise that Asher has gotten even better looking. He's always been handsome, even when he was an angry and irritated ten-year-old. Girls gave him attention all throughout high school and would fall for his looks like dominoes. That only intensified for him once we graduated and he's been a chick-magnet since. He knows it too but not in a cocky or conceited way. He's just confident about what he has and doesn't shy away from it.

"Thanks." He puts his hands in his back pockets and the action makes his broad chest even broader. He's always had a nice body. Lean and muscled. The years have been good to him and now he's absolutely ripped, probably from boxing at such an intense level. "How long are you here for?"

"Saturday."

"And then it's back to California for good, huh?"

"No." I shake my head and his brows go up in surprise. "I'll actually be moving back permanently in November. That's the plan at least, depending on how my cases go."

"No shit?" He tilts his head with a smile, that lone dimple peeking through. I try not to stare at it and how it's the one feature on his face that isn't as sharp or rugged as the rest of him.

"Yeah. I think it's time." I cross my arms. His eyes fall to my chest for a split second before coming back up just as fast and I blink. Is he checking me out?

"That's good." He takes a small step closer and it somehow feels like there's no more distance between us. His voice is quiet when he admits, "I've missed you."

There's a million and one ways I want to respond to that but what comes out instead is, "I guess now you won't have to."

"I don't know about that." His eyes become intense — knowing. "You're here but you're not here. I'm not sure if I'll ever get my best friend back."

I feel my eyes widen slightly. I don't know why I didn't expect him to call me out on that when Asher has always been frustratingly blunt. Memories of him protecting me when we were kids suddenly come to mind, memories I thought I've forgotten, and it's so overwhelming that I feel the urge to leave.

"We should go inside." I say instead of answering him.

I try to go around him but he stops me with a hand to my waist and I suck in a breath at his unexpected touch. His fingers slowly slide to my back and he puts the slightest bit of pressure with his palm to nudge me forward, bringing us toe-to-toe. My heart hammers violently in my chest as I tip my head back to look at him.

"What are you doing?" I whisper.

I have to fight the urge to let my lids drop when his thumb brushes over my rib, the touch so feather-light I wouldn't have felt it if I wasn't obscenely aware of his hand on me.

"Why are you going?" He counters with a murmur.

So that's how he wants to play? I feel my eyes narrow. "Where were you this weekend?"

His hand drops so fast I didn't even feel it move. He takes two steps back, eyes hardening. "What?"

"You heard me, Asher. I talked to your parents before coming here. They've been here all weekend and they think you've been in Boston, too. Where were you? What's going on?"

"Oh, now you want to know about my life? Now you care? You're just going to ask all the personal questions as if you have a right to know the answers?"

I flinch. Like I said — frustratingly blunt.

"I'm worried about you." I tell him despite my humiliation. "Is this about—"

"Don't." He shakes his head. "Just forget it, Ria."

"Asher, please. If you go down that path again..."

"What? Say it, Ria. What do you think is going to happen?" He drops his voice and speaks so low, I can barely hear him. "I know what you're thinking. What if it gets as bad as last time? What if I get more blood on my hands? You're acting like I forgot what I became. It haunts me all the fucking time so I don't need reminders. Or is that why you can't even look me in the eye, anymore? Does it haunt you, too?"

He walks away without another word and leaves me standing there, seconds away from crying. I want to shout after him that he's wrong. That I understand why he did what he did and I know he had no other choice. All I care is that he made it out of there no matter what the cost. I don't blame him for thinking I hate him but that's last thing I feel.

The truth is, I finally realized that I'm in love with my best friend and I don't want him to realize it too.

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