I stand undecided in front of the green door and look at the grain of the wood. In some places the paint has already peeled off and the brass on the handle looks dull and ugly. A street lamp gives off yellowish diffuse light, rather dirty than homely and thus lets the surroundings appear from a different point of view. In the distance the constant deafening sound of a fire engine can be heard and I would like to briefly thank whoever up there that Alec became a carpenter and not a police officer or firefighter. Every day with the fear on my neck whether my husband would come home alive or not would have eaten me away long ago. Getting that hated phone call is the worst possible scenario for any loved one.

The doorbell sign showed a name on my last and only visit. Now there are two. Lightwood / Fray. Jace didn't hesitate and shortly after Alec left the nest, his girlfriend moved in with him. I'm not really sure Alec is here. It's just a guess and for me the most logical conclusion. The bond with his brother is very deep and I suspect that Alec would rather go to him than his sister. For minutes my index finger hovers over the white sign, just a millimeter further and in the apartment above me the signal of an unannounced visitor sounds. Nobody knows I'm coming It's the middle of the night. How will Alec react when he sees me? Will Jace live up to his threat and should I run away before he finds me? My thoughts are abruptly interrupted when the green door opens with a swing and a young man with blond hair and blue eyes, a graceful face and beautifully curved lips stands in front of me, frowning. His aftershave exudes a familiar scent and jealousy stirs. The same after shave that Alec sometimes uses.

"Can I help you?", the young man asks me and I look at him questioningly.

"Are you looking for someone?" Yes my husband. A dark-haired beauty with skilled hands and a talented tongue. But I don't tell him that. Instead, I put on a fake smile and reach past him and put my hand on the door.

"Thanks. I'll be fine", I reply. I do not know him. So it is none of his business where my path leads me. I quickly slip past him and ignore the question marks above his head. With legs heavy as lead, I climb the steps to Jace's apartment and soon find myself on his doorstep. And again the doubt arises whether what I'm doing here is right. I listen into the night, but apart from my heart beating wildly, nothing can be heard. I puff and shake my head. What did i expect? That Alec sits crying behind that door and I hear his heartbreaking sobs and Jace soothing words? Probably not.

Alec is suffering quietly. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment. Now or never. I choose never. In my head the voice screams out loud 'No! You are making a mistake. Don't be a coward Magnus Lightwood.' And before I can think about it any further or get into an argument with my personal demon, the shrill ringing of the doorbell breaks the silence of the night. Fuck. Panicked, I open my eyes and whimper softly. What have I done? Why did i do this I wanted to go. Instead, the index finger of my right hand is on the bronze button and for a moment I feel like an electrifying blow goes right through my body. My heart beating excitedly isn't nearly as loud as the sound of the doorbell. Why is it still ringing? I'm confused.

Strange noises can be heard from inside the apartment. A rumble, a slamming door, loud swearing. I step closer to the door and try to guess what is going on inside. It sounds like Quentin Tarantino is shooting his next action blockbuster in the apartment of my brother-in-law and his girlfriend. The door jerks open and a completely disheveled and sleepy Alec suddenly stands in front of me. His eyes widen when he recognizes me and I just stand there and can no longer move. The sight tears me apart too much and the memory of our awakening in Vegas is very present at the moment. I hear Alec groan as the lumberjacks in his head began their work. His head hurt and my bottom hurt. Images of Alec's broad, muscular back flicker and I feel the pulsating tingling in my fingertips at the sight of his black hair, rumpled from the sleep and sex of the previous night. I unconsciously scan his body and lick my dry lips. My breathing is way too fast again and the urge to hug his chest as closely as possible is extremely strong. Alec wears nothing more than black, very tight boxer shorts. I greedily look at the contours of his tail. Every fiber of his body is well known to me. Countless kisses covered his warm, pure skin through my lips. The aroma of sea and salt combined with Alec's sex-soaked skin tickles my taste buds. My mind brings back memories of endless hours full of devotion and passion and ensures that all the hairs on my body stand up straight and I am enveloped in a pleasant shower. Alec's broad chest with the pronounced muscles and the wonderful six-pack rises and falls quickly. I just manage to look away when I hear my name.

"Magnus", Alec yells at me.

"Stop doing that." Confused, I look into his reddened eyes. Dark shadows cover the blue. The exhaustion is visible in him and yet there is this little sparkle that gives me a last drop of hope.

"Shit Magnus, take your finger off the doorbell", he says angrily. Now I also know why the bell has still not gone silent. Warm fingers encircle my wrist and an army of butterflies happily hops out of their cocoons. Ready for the flight into a new, unknown world, they flap their velvety wings and spread an excited tingling sensation inside me. Sighing, I look into Alec's eyes and see a storm of different emotions. Confusion, pain, affection, anger, insecurity, and love. The tip of his thumb gently glides over my skin and I longingly close my eyes, enjoying this gentle touch and loving gesture. The moment is over much too quickly and Alec withdraws his hand. Sudden emptiness overcomes me and I sway slightly.

"What do you want Magnus?", he asks in a cold voice. "To ... t-talk to you", I answer. The words don't come so easily from my lips anymore. The vodka is still fogging my head. Alec looks at me with narrowed eyes and I swallow dryly. He is angry. On what exactly? On me? On my behavior? On my freak out? I dont know. And the longer we stand here, the less I feel the need to find out. I watch him run his slender fingers through his soft hair. Immediately my fingertips start tingling. A familiar, recurring gesture. Strands are divided and even when the light in the hallway has already gone out and only the cone of light from the Alec apartment illuminates, the contrast to the snow-white skin and the raven-black hair is clearly visible. I love these traits in my husband. In combination with the bright blue ocean eyes, he is a beautiful dream of a man.

"You're drunk?" Alec's question catapults me unchecked back into reality. I look into his tired and disappointed face. The open book of his facial expressions tells me everything and nothing. He doesn't even try to hide his emotions. I feel fear and I know this was a mistake. My tongue is too loose when I'm drunk. And all I want is to sink that vodka-soaked tongue deep into Alec's mouth and let myself be kissed dizzy.

"Oh, just a little", I wave off his question about my alcohol level. Alec rolls his eyes in annoyance and then shakes his head sadly. My husband and alcohol are not friends and neither will they be in this life. "Where were you Magnus?", Alec asks directly and I ponder an answer. The tip of my index finger taps my chin incessantly and my forehead throws large thinker lines.

"Well, let's see. After you just ran away, I called Andrew. I wanted to have some fun. So I went to the Pandemonium and drank. Yeah, and I danced too. Until my two best friends came and me there..."

"Why?", he asks without letting me finish.

"Why? Because I wanted to forget..."

Alec holds up his hand and interrupts me before I have even started. Now it's me who rolls my eyes annoyed. Why was I here again? I just don't know anymore. But I know I get really upset when Alec doesn't let me finish.

"What do you want Magnus?", he asks.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"You already said that."

"Then finally let me finish", I say louder and also much more irritated than planned. Alec crosses his arms over his chest. The sparkling sparkle in his eyes is gone. Where otherwise deep blue ocean looks towards me and I threaten to sink into the glittering irises, I see nothing but dark emptiness and despair, disappointment and perplexity. Alec doesn't know what to do. Neither do I. That between us feels strange. My determination to tell Alec the truth about my feelings gave way the moment I saw the hurt and anger in his eyes.

"I trusted you and you looked me in the eye and lied ice cold. What we have is not everyday. I'm not good at relationships. Neither was ever so serious that I thought about a future. You were the first. With you everything was different. When I left Blue Heaven I was sure that you will never disappoint me. That was a mistake. I'm angry. I'm disappointed and hurt. My trust in you has been hurt . It hurts so much to see you now. You are important to me. Very much. But my heart is broken. Once again I believed and trusted and was disappointed. Tonight I went to the pandemonium and had some fun. Just turn off my head and think of nothing. Do you understand that Alec...?"

"No, I don't get it. Have you had sex? With other men?", he asks tiredly. I get the uneasy feeling that I've just talked my way around. We are still standing in the hallway in front of his brother's apartment. Alec didn't invite me in, and as he stands there, he's not planning to. I am silent, do not give him an answer to his question.

"Your silence is then probably a yes."

"No. I didn't. But I wanted to. To reduce my frustration", I say honestly. Even at the risk that Alec now hates me profoundly and never wants to see me again. No more lies and excuses.

"That really hurts, Magnus", he says in a tear-choked voice and my eyes are watering too.

"We promised to be honest with each other. Do you remember? I'm honest. I was in the Pandemonium and wanted to let me fuck. Out of anger at you and out of desperation. I think about you all the time. Whether at work or in the club when I thought you were standing on the dance floor. It was just some guy who looked like you. I thought my heart stopped and I was so relieved that it wasn't you. My heart longs for you. But it cries also the soul out of the body because you betrayed me so."

"Magnus, what do you expect from me? You yelled at and hit me. There was no trace of your supposed love. Only hate. You just let me go. Without a single attempt to stop me. And now you appear here, drunk and covered with hickey that I don't want to know how many guys there were. You talk about trust. But how can I count on you when you throw yourself on the neck of the next best guy after an argument? Like Magnus? How?", Alec yells at me, tearful. Relentless honest words that can be heard throughout the house. They echo down the hallway, bounce off the stone walls. A door creakingly opens to my right. Just a crack and yet it is enough for the smell of wet dog and overripe cheese to penetrate to us.

"Go to sleep, Hodge. Everything is okay", Alec says softly and I hear muttered curses which immediately fall silent again. The door closes and there is silence. Nobody says a word. But Alec's words echo all the louder in my head.

'But how can I trust you?' I dont know. Everything is spinning in my head and my heart hurts so much. We have shown the ruthless truth to each other. We love each other. But it just doesn't work. It is not the right time or the right place. No matter. It does not matter. "Just go, Magnus. Sleep off your intoxication."

"Was that it?", I whisper and see Alec nod slightly. More and more tears leave his eyes and his wonderfully soft lips that I would love to kiss. We stand sobbing across from each other and clasp our bodies protectively with our arms. My fingernails dig painfully into the skin of my torso. I'm shivering and I'm freezing. Alec is no better either. I want to say something. But words fail me. Andrew was right. It was a mistake to come here.

"Go Magnus. I need time", Alec says and before I can reply he disappears inside the apartment. The door closes with a soft click and I slump, crying and exhausted, on the cold stone floor. I don't care who hears me and whether the neighbors wake up. I let my tears run free Thick hot drops fall from my eyes and color the ground below me dark gray. The pain threatens to tear me apart. I feel it very clearly. Millions upon millions of needle sticks neatly placed in my heart. I cry loudly and regardless of the neighbors whose sleep I disturb. I frantically gasp for breath and can't keep enough oxygen in my lungs. Again and again I whisper the name of the man who hurt me deeply. But it is also the name of the man who showed me the joys in life and pure passion. Supported on my knees with my hands and my fingers clenched in the joints, I surrender to pain and helplessness.

"Alexander", I sob. Every word from my mouth is accompanied by new tears and loud sobs. My mouth is bone dry and my throat is burning. I feel strangely empty and dead inside.