The memory of our conversation in Central Park slides over me like the dark storm clouds of that day. I see Alec and me sitting on the red and white checked picnic blanket behind the large boulder covered with moss. Alec who spoke to me with a sadness in his voice that I didn't know from him before and told a story about a guy who loved and was hurt. A guy with hair as black as the darkest night and eyes as blue as the shining ocean. A guy with a heart of gold and a soul like silver. I felt Alec's pain so clearly that my anger at his ex never disappeared. To this day I carry this feeling around with me. And now to hear these words out of his mouth makes me infinitely sad and angry.

Alec compares me to his jealous beating ex-boyfriend. Is that me? Is that how he sees me? I don't like the thought and I am about to say something when Alec's voice can be heard. He seems to be a little more composed and in control of his senses, but that can also be deceiving. The tremors in his hands have subsided and breathing is also easier. He has not yet fully returned from his shock. The stronger is his voice and the meaning of the words.

"I never thought I'd say that. But you really do remind me of Victor right now. And I'm not willing to make the same mistake again. I love you Magnus. But right now I don't know if that is about us continues to make sense. You have hurt me from day one and pushed me off again and again. My closeness was always too much for you. And I always tried to show you how important you are to me. You are valuable and so very different from you give yourself. You don't let your life change. But if you don't, then we have no future. You are always the focus. It's always about you. Your hurt feelings. Your torn ones Soul. About your broken heart. But what about me? "

I stare at Alec in disbelief. My eyes are almost popping out of their sockets. I can't believe what he's throwing at my head. Does he blame me for this situation? He contacted my father. He lied about Vegas. I am not like Victor.

"Are you trying to tell me that I am to blame for everything? My father and that he was leaving us? That no man can take me? I never gave you a reason to lie to me. And yet you did it. It was against it I'm always honest with you. You called my asshole Dad behind my back. Even though you knew I hated him. And now you expect me to like that and celebrate you for it? I can't. You have betrayed my trust. And the fact that you did not tell me that you remember the night in Vegas just broke the barrel", I answer angrily. Alec takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a few seconds.

"And you honestly ask me what about you?" Warm air noisily leaves his lungs and the raised chest sinks again. His flashing blue irises send an ice-cold shiver down my back and my stomach suddenly becomes queasy. My heart beats wildly and the nausea creeps up to the fore.

"I don't regret it. In no way. When I walked into the bar and saw you sitting alone at the counter with a bottle of rum, I knew I wanted you. And I got you. Different than expected, but I don't care. Me do not regret having married you. But what connects us is not healthy Magnus. We go around in circles. Again and again. You only see what you want to see. And you only hear what you want to hear. You give blame me? It's okay. If you feel better with it, so be it. But I can't take it any longer. You break my heart Magnus Lightwood. And I only have this one. "

"Alec ..." The dull anger has subsided, disappointment and pain remain.

"No Magnus. You are listening to me now", says Alec in control.

"I love you. But I can no longer do it like that. When you are clear again and you are sure what you want, call me. Then we will meet and talk. It just hurts too much and is almost unbearable." Reluctantly, he takes a step towards me and stops moving. It's torn, doesn't know whether to touch me or not. I feel the same way One side of me screams that only he can heal my heart. That Alec is my present and the future. The dark part of me screams louder. He lied to me and betrayed my trust. Everything repeats itself. It's always a man I love who betrays me.

"Don't wait too long, Magnus", he says and walks past me towards the front door. Our hands touch each other very lightly and the tingling tingling in my fingertips almost hurts. I nervously rub the painful areas together. It only helps to a limited extent. I am slowly realizing what is happening here. Alec is leaving me. He goes and leaves me here alone. Without another word or looking back.

"Was it all a lie?", I ask and turn around at the same time and see Alec standing in the doorway. His muscular back with broad shoulders looks at me accusingly. The head is bowed a little and he doesn't answer me.

"Say it. I want you to say it", I hiss through clenched teeth. I feel the rising anger and the warm feeling in my stomach. I allow it to spread rapidly and continue to poison my mind and rational thinking.

"No. My love for you is real. Also the pain in my heart and the longing for you, which I can already feel", Alec answers quietly.

"Is that why you're leaving?", I snort disparagingly. "Yes baby. That's why", Alec whispers. His words are so quiet that I think I have misheard for a moment. But the rustle of clothes and the click as the front door lock snaps into place tells me the whole truth. Alec left. My husband left me. I feel dull and empty. The blood rushes in my ears and a wave of hot anger and rage floods my body. My eyes twitch nervously and without further ado I grab the glass carafe on the small table and throw it against the wall with full force. The beautifully cut, hand-blown glass shatters into a thousand pieces. A loud clang from the depths of my throat accompanied the death of the whiskey decanter. Dark liquid runs down the beige wall and the spicy aroma of this old noble drop rises into my nose. Melancholy I watch the whiskey run and look at the pattern that is emerging. The carafe is as much an heirloom as the desk, and the frustration at what I did mixes with the realization that Alec has let me down.

I don't know how long I've been standing here looking at my work on the wall. It's already dark in the world out there and the snow has stopped falling from the sky. Without a plan, I call the person I need most now. The doorbell rings and it takes a long time for my best friend's deep voice to be heard.

"Mags what's wrong? Has something happened?", Andrew asks, concerned. I sigh and hear low murmurs and steps away.

"Sweetie talk to me. Or do you want to talk to Raphael?", Andrew's voice is trembling slightly. We had a long conversation on the way from Blue Heaven to New York and both confirmed my decision to stand by Alec and my feelings. I was so dumb.

"I want to drink. And dance. Maybe also pointlessly make out with strangers and let my brain screw out. My life is already screwed. So it can't get any worse", I answer and see the confused face of my best friend in front of me.

"O-okay." More murmurs and then silence. I say nothing. Since there is no acoustic signal, Andrew has not yet hung up.

"We'll meet at Pandemonium in an hour", I hear Andrew say before I hang up and move my clumsy body up the stairs into my bedroom. When I enter the room I swallow dry. Hot tears burn in my eyes. There are no tears of pain. Rather, these tears are born of anger. My gaze falls on the bed, which is still rumpled, and the images of our sex are instantly present. The aroma of our association is in the air and my anger at Alec continues to grow. The longer I stand here, the more memories I have of the past six months. I didn't know anything. Alec wore a perfect facade in place of his face and I wonder if he was secretly laughing at me.

So many times I've asked him if he remembers. Every fragment, no matter how small, would have helped me to transform the black picture in my head into a colored one. This ignorance depressed me more and more. And every time Alec assured me that there was nothing that could help me. I was stupid and blind. There were hidden clues in his words. Alec is a bad liar. He hates it and this was his way out.

Furious, I tear open the doors of my closet. I pick up a shirt and jeans at random. I impatiently pull my sweatpants off my legs and get entangled in the cuffs. Hopping on one leg, cursing loudly, I tug at the disruptive fabric and land roughly on my bum as I lose the fight with my balance.

"Fuck", I scream loudly through the empty house and rub my aching tailbone. That certainly gives a pretty blue-purple discoloration. The next few days will not be painless. However, I hope that the early consumption of a wonderfully cold transparent liquid with the beautiful name of vodka will ease the pain and drive away the memories. Not just because of my involuntary fall to the ground, but also because of Alec and our argument.

Only after I stand in the bathroom and look at my heated face and puffy eyes in the mirror do I realize the full extent of my emotional outburst. I look like a wreck. My hair is not done yet and I am uncomfortable that Alec saw me like this. Red eyes puffed up from crying. The white is traversed by many fine blood-red lines. My skin is pale and my lips are dry and chapped. I feel puked up and that's exactly what I look like. Cold water runs over my wrists and invigorates tired spirits. The thought of Alec quickly disappears and a new one emerges. Deflection. Alcohol. Andrew. A well-known and, above all, well-proven combination. My friend has plenty of hard drinking. On the other hand, I don't need much on most days to start the carousel in my head. The loops in my stomach are a miserable side effect, but I am currently accepting that too. The main thing is that I can numb myself.

A little later I'm standing on the dance floor in the Pandemonium with freshly made hair, tight black jeans and a white shirt that hugs my body perfectly. I didn't wait for Andrew, I went straight to the club. My first way led me to the well-frequented bar. With my elbows extended, I pushed my way through a row of sweaty men's bodies. One hand or the other found its place on my bum and a big strong one even on my cock. I largely ignored it and heaved myself onto a bar stool. The Pandemonium is always full and the surplus of hormone-controlled men looking for a quick fuck for an evening is almost too clichéd. But it is so. Anyone who tries to find the man for life here has to kiss a lot of frogs.

The bartender, a young guy with the looks of Brad Pitt in his prime and a sugar-sweet smile, put a bottle of beer on the wooden counter for me without being asked. He winked at me and I only let go of his very appealing upper arm muscles when the cold beer was half empty. The malty liquid tingled my tongue and the alcohol quickly mixed with the blood in my veins. The remains of the beer stuck to my lips. My tongue lasciviously played around this and the aroma of the spicy foam reminded me of Alec and our evening at Hunters Moon. The feeling of his cock in my bum and the perfect fulfillment of my wishes. Memories I didn't want and tried to drown in alcohol. I ordered two shots and emptied them one after the other. The cool clear liquid stung my throat and I grimaced slightly. Either the bartender wanted to fill me up, hoping for a quick adventure on his break, or his trained eye saw that it was exactly what I needed.

Two more glasses found their way into my hand and again instead of the cheap lint that made the headache unbearable the next morning, he had put a considerable amount of good vodkas into the glasses. His eyes kept fixing my lips and I just couldn't resist. Each time I let the tip of my tongue out and licked my lips. I kept looking into his eyes and the green darkened when he took my hand and squeezed it firmly. He leaned over the counter and whispered indecent things in my ear. The toilets of the Pandemonium are all too familiar to me and the back room, which is used as a break room, was not hidden from me. It's been a while since I found myself in this same room after an argument with Julian and our brief separation. Why not today too?

I nodded silently and emptied two more glasses before going onto the dance floor and indulging in the rhythm and sounds of the music. Katy Perry boomed from the speakers and this time the image of Alec in a beautiful dark blue tuxedo pushed into my mind. It is to be crazy. This guy is following me. I am nowhere safe from him. I just want to have fun for a few hours and forget about it. But I don't succeed. The desire to dance is long gone and I am extremely angry about it. Men as different as the night and yet the same in their thoughts and most secret desires move around me exuberantly and sensually.

I let my gaze wander and stay on a head with black hair and a handsome downside. I nervously knead my hands and for some reason inexplicable my heart beats faster than normal. The man's movements are graceful and I swallow dryly as he turns around with a swing and freezes in his movement. Fuck. I didn't expect that now.