"Alec. Tell me", I ask loudly.

"What do you want to hear? That I remember? That I know what happened? Fuck Magnus, what's the point?", Alec replies just as loudly and I briefly feel as though I have misheard. But that's not the case. He said it. Alec remembers. Everything is spinning in my head and I blink a few times to drive away the dark spots in front of my eyes. I hear the blood rushing in my ears and think for a moment before answering.

"Clarity. Is that so difficult to understand?", I scream at my husband and see his eyes blaze. My self-control has long been in the same boat. Now it is drifting towards the open sea and an infinite emptiness seizes me. I wonder how long he has known.

"Why? To regret your decision? As you always do?", he asks and all of my suppressed anger and disappointment about his act breaks out.

"Regret? The only thing I regret is that I have put my trust in you. To open up to you and let myself into my life, that was a mistake. It was so incredibly difficult for me and I doubted a lot. If you want to know , I regret that, because you had nothing better to do than decide over my head whether or not I should see my father", I spit angrily at his feet. My breathing is fast and I am shaking all over. I am so madly mad. But the disappointment prevails. I walk slowly away from Alec. The distance between us should be as great as possible. But Alec follows me with every step I move backwards. We look each other in the eye and I only manage to keep up with his penetrating gaze by using my last strength. I shake my head and clench my fists. The nails are painfully pressed into the skin. Until I feel resistance behind me and my heels hit the sofa. I am trapped and cannot go any further. The couch in the back and my husband in front of me. The smell of his shampoo hits me. I open my mouth, just a little, but that doesn't help either. Sea and salt tickle my sensitive taste buds. There is no escape. Looking for support, I claw myself into the top edge of the backrest. My last anchor in this shitty situation.

"You have to leave the past behind you. Otherwise you will never find peace." I have lost any feeling for space and time. His words should calm me down. Instead, they reverberate in my head like a mantra and I feel so incredibly sick. Hot anger mixes with pain and I threaten to lose the ground under my feet. It's all too much. The meeting with my father. Memories of my beloved mother's last agonizing hours. Alec, who came into my life like a hurricane and turned everything upside down that I believed in until then.

"You will always suffer. And so will I", he whispers and strokes my cheek with his thumb. Moisture spreads. Trapped in my carousel of thoughts and emotions at what I believed was a closed time, tears found their place and now I notice them too. My eyes burn and my throat is tight. I feel strangely exhausted and just want some rest. Alec's thumb gives way, instead a large, strong hand rests on my cheek. The warmth of his skin burns like fire and more and more tears burst on the otherwise protective hand. But right now it feels wrong.

"Do not touch me", I press out angrily. Alec's thumb caresses my cheekbones, I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. I can't stand his touch. Its proximity takes the air away from me to breathe.

"I said you shouldn't touch me." Louder, more definite. A hint of emotion on Alec's face. But it's gone as quickly as it came.

"Stop it", I say in a firm voice and grab his wrist. He looks at me in surprise and before I know it happens what I never wanted.

"I wish you could finally see how much you mean to me. That I did it for us". Alec says and a switch flips in my head. A wave of intoxicating and above all numbing adrenaline floods my body. My heart pumps wildly hot blood through my veins and mixes the two substances together. This cocktail in my veins also makes the last residue of rational thinking disappear and even before Alec has uttered his sentence, my palm lands on his face.

"I told you not to touch me." I scream at him and see the horror in his widened eyes. A dark shadow falls on the radiant blue.

"You have no idea. You don't care how I feel about it." I scream and my fists hit hard on his broad chest. My knuckles hurt, but I hardly notice it. Alec staggers, the surprise at my unexpected action is too great. The outbreak of my feelings is long overdue. If I was still in control of my father, Alec feels all of my anger and frustration. My body hovers over the old wooden floorboards as if in a trance. It feels like I've left my body and is floating next to it as a translucent shell. I am both a perpetrator and an observer. Now I'm the one following Alec's footsteps. He raises his hands defensively and I glare at him with eyes blazing with anger.

"Why didn't you tell me? I've asked you so many times. You lied to me. Over and over. Just the truth. I didn't want more. You're a liar Alec Lightwood. A cowardly liar. You didn't deserve it for me to listen to you. You stole into my heart and then you break it", I scream and with every word out of my mouth I hit his chest and arms. He lets it happen, lowers his hands and arms. Alec allows my fists to hit his body incessantly and the silence around us is broken by the dull sound of my beating. A barrage of anger and frustration. Alec is breathing hard, just stands there and doesn't move. "Stop it", he says decisively. The barrage ceases. Alec's eyes fill with tears and I wonder why he's the one to cry now.

"Please stop Magnus. You scare me", he says and I laugh scornfully.

"Me? You? The great Alec Lightwood who is always in control and believes he can rule over me? I trusted you. And you ..." My finger digs firmly into his chest. "... got me ..." Every word a stab in his trembling chest. Alec looks at me uncertainly and backs away. I follow him, look him straight in the eyes, which have lost all shine.

"... lied to. I hate you." Alec's legs hit the little table near the large window. Behind him thick flakes dance their rounds and the clink of a falling glass tears apart the oppressive silence around us. One slap with the palm of the hand on his chest and I see Alec freeze.

His eyes are dark and dull in their sockets. His skin suddenly turned pale than it already is. My hand rests on the part of his chest, behind which the heart beats unnaturally fast. Strong and fast like the barrage of my previous blows. I feel every stroke under my fingertips and see the trembling of his body. The muscles tense and the view empty. The pounding of Alec's heart continues and his breathing is unnaturally fast. Hot breath hits me and Alec's words give me goose bumps.

"You remind me of Victor", Alec says flatly and I understand.