"Let me go", I say decisively. But he doesn't even think about it. Alec tightened his grip on my body. Its otherwise soothing smell rises into my nose. But this time it is food for the blazing flames of anger inside me. It just hurts too much. His closeness and the growing realization that he betrayed me.

"Alec. Don't make me", I ask him and slowly his arms loosen from my body. He's still right behind me. I can't look at it right now and I'm glad it doesn't move. Because if I look now into his beautiful blue eyes with the small, sparkling, deep-dark speckles, it would have happened to me. I know myself. One look from him is enough and I melt like snow in the spring sun.

"Why?" I ask with bowed head and look at my hands. Whenever I'm nervous, my fingers start their own game. They shakily play around and the cracking of the individual finger bones breaks the silence. I hear Alec's breath, he's still standing close behind me. I can also clearly feel his left hand. It's on my hip. This gentle, almost feather-light touch burns painfully through my clothes and skin. So many thoughts race through my head. Feelings of all kinds interweave with questions I don't want to hear the answer to. Because with that it becomes real and the pain in my chest becomes even greater. I'm afraid. A dark premonition creeps up on me. What began today with tears and ended in ecstasy with a confession of love also ends with tears and a wounded soul. But who will it be? Alec? Magnus? We both?

"I found your father's letter. In the desk drawer. It was wrong to read it. I know that. But I couldn't help it. He lives in Los Angeles. His phone number was on it." "And you thought a phone call couldn't hurt?", I ask bitterly.

"Why not? Even if I don't approve of what he's done, you can at least listen to him. He's your father."

"But I don't want to. I'm tired of it. All of this. So many years. I don't want to hear it", I say annoyed.

"Let's talk about it. Sit down baby", says Alec, increasing the pressure on my hip. He tries to push me in the direction of the sofa. But I do not want that. I don't want to sit down and I certainly don't want to talk to him about it. All I want is an explanation for his infidelity.

Even if his words will tear my heart out of my chest. I feel betrayed. Alec knew very well that I don't want any contact with my father. I always didn't care where he was or whether he was still alive. Nothing was further from me than to waste a thought on him and his whereabouts. And yet somehow it has become part of my life again. At least for a moment. I resist the pressure of Alec's hand and brace my legs with all my might against the ground. Alec sighs and his breath tickles my skin. Every single hair on my body stands up and the warm feeling of excitement gathers in my veins. I suppress it. The anger is stronger. Alec gently strokes my arm with his free hand. Every swipe of the finger leaves a trail of excitement and a surge of hot adrenaline rushes through my body. I realize with resignation that I cannot prevent it. As hard as I try, it just doesn't work.

Alec has this gift of blowing all the synapses in my head with a word or a single touch. I can clearly feel Alec's warm body on my neck and the softness of his lips on my neck. Feather-light kisses find their purpose and I'm hot. So unspeakably hot. Hazy clouds of mist are spreading in my head. To the beat of my ever faster beating heart, Alec's lips travel over my neck and throat. I automatically put my head to one side and offer it the necessary space. The tip of his tongue glides gently over my neck and I moan with relish as the intoxicating pain of sucking lips on sensitive skin overwhelms me. He marks me as being.

"Got you", he whispers in my ear. His words strike my consciousness like lightning in the dark, cloud-covered firmament. He has me. Again. But I do not want that. Not like this and not now. Not with a stomach full of anger and a soul torn with pain. Lovingly caressing hands turn into clawed paws. Nails as sharp as sharpened knives dig into my now cold skin. Burning hot and aching like hell. I feel every touch as if razor-sharp blades slide over my arm and leave deep wounds. It is not Alec, my loving husband who brought my frozen heart to life that touches me. I can't understand, everything feels wrong The tightly compressed body behind me is hard and cold. His hands do not trigger a pleasant shiver. It's more like an ice-cold flood that runs down my spine. He holds me prisoner, gives me no air to breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating.

Alec has to understand that he has gone too far here and that I cannot approve of this action. I have no other outlet for my anger than to free them from their rattling chains right here. His touch hurts so much, I have the feeling of being burned from within. His lips on my skin are stressful. Every kiss heavy as tons of lead. "Alec", I say sternly. It's just too much. Excessive demands threaten to bring me to my knees. Hot anger gathers in my stomach, suppressing the otherwise intoxicating excitement. Alec's dominance and the need to give myself up to him restrict me. What is otherwise a guarantee of unbridled passion turns into coldness and sorrow.

I suddenly break away from Alec and stagger a few steps away from him. Redemptive air rushes into my lungs and I feel the restrictive chains loosening around my chest. A few strong breaths clear my head. The fog drifts away, but the pain in my heart remains. And it gets worse because Alec doesn't accept the distance between us. A warm hand hugs mine. The pressure is powerful and the chains around my chest are tightening again. I let Alec turn my body in his direction. Even if everything in me is resisting it. He takes my hands in his and I swallow dry. Strong big hands, slender fingers, fair skin and a raised pink scar. My thumb automatically strokes the mark of a dark time in his young life. I've thought about it a lot since our day in Central Park. The tortured look in his eyes and the sadness in his voice. It tore my heart every time and I wished all sorts of bad things on his cowardly ex's throat.

I find it difficult to have a clear thought. So many memories come crashing down on me. Our awakening in Vegas, his sleep disheveled hair and the tingling sensation in my fingertips has stopped for the first time in six months. Our first erotic adventure in my office. Alec touched me and my mind stopped immediately. Protective and caring at my editor's barbecue. Our first kiss in the rain behind the moss-covered boulder. Ecstasy, devotion, lust and trust. A night in which we gave ourselves completely to each other and which I know changed everything. We were in a relationship with everything and I realized too late that he was all I needed. The realization came too late and after cold days and long nights with tormenting thoughts and the fear of losing Alec, I now stand here and quarrel with my decision. I should have known. Trust is a big word. I would never have believed that Alec would abuse that trust.

"I told you I didn't care. My whole life collapsed. He wasn't there when we needed him. I was done with that", I say angrily, without looking at Alec.

"You didn't. You have to leave the past behind baby. I offer you a future", Alec replies gently.

"How did you get that? I finished with my mother's death. It's okay. And he's just an asshole. He's not worth worrying about him." The pure anger speaks from me. Alec is silent about it.

"Oh yeah? That sounded in Vegas but and ..." He pauses. Me too. Vegas?

"It doesn't matter. I just think that you haven't come to terms with your mother's early death to this day. And the fact that Asmodeus left you alone has clearly caused you to lose your trust in people. Yeah, that sucks what he did. You don't leave a child alone with his terminally ill mother. But you can overcome it. I'm here Magnus. Please let me help you", he ends his tirade almost pleadingly.

Alec is still holding my hands and with every word the pressure increases. He clings to that touch. I can clearly feel the urge to pull myself into a tight hug. As he spoke, my gaze wandered from our clasped hands over his broad chest, which I love to nestle high in his face.

"What did you say?", I ask, confused, and see a light shadow wander over his face. He's hiding something. "What do you think?", asks Alec and now I can see clearly. He's hiding something from me.

"Vegas", Alec swallows a couple of times. His facial expressions give him away. As so often in the past few months.

"Alec. What are you hiding from me?"

"Nothing." A lie. He looks me in the eye and lies to me. Is that we now? Alec and Magnus lying to each other? Apparently it is. It hurts.

"You lie. Your facial expressions are like an open book to me", I press out angrily and free myself from the grip of his hands. The calm that surrounded us disappears. It has room for my anger and Alec's guilty expression is the oil in the fire that makes everything burn.

"What's going on here? I don't understand. You contact my father even though you know I hate him. And then you talk so cryptically about Vegas. What do you know?" My voice gets louder with every word I say. My hands clench into fists and I breathe heavily.

"The same as you. Elvis and the way you gave me a blow job on the toilet in the bar."

"OK", I say and have to collect myself briefly.

"You didn't want to know", Alec replies, and I remember what I said the morning after our wedding.

"Alec, please be honest. Do you remember anything? Except Elvis and the blowjob?", I ask tonelessly. My worst nightmare is about to come true. Once again I ran blind to my doom. It starts all over again. I open up, trust and get disappointed.